Healthier Relationship Post A
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Healthier Relationship Post A
HI,
I was thinking about how many folks here are mired in relationships (currently or ending) with alcoholic partners, and they might wonder if anyone would love them (or they might love someone else) after that traumatic relationship ends. There are several of us here who are in healthier relationships after our relationships with alcoholics are over. There is hope for anyone worried or curious about that.
The differences in my relationship now versus the one with the alcoholic are dramatically different. Not only is my partner mentally healthier, but I am mentally healthier. My view of relationships and expectations from them has changed as a result of being with an A. I think long term it really has changed for the better.
I am interested in anyone's experiences in healthier relationships post A and what they or their new partner do differently.
Thanks
I was thinking about how many folks here are mired in relationships (currently or ending) with alcoholic partners, and they might wonder if anyone would love them (or they might love someone else) after that traumatic relationship ends. There are several of us here who are in healthier relationships after our relationships with alcoholics are over. There is hope for anyone worried or curious about that.
The differences in my relationship now versus the one with the alcoholic are dramatically different. Not only is my partner mentally healthier, but I am mentally healthier. My view of relationships and expectations from them has changed as a result of being with an A. I think long term it really has changed for the better.
I am interested in anyone's experiences in healthier relationships post A and what they or their new partner do differently.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I am interested in anyone's experiences in healthier relationships post A and what they or their new partner do differently.
We have an agreement about brutal honesty. That it's better to be truthful and risk hurting each others' feelings than to not speak up. This is huge for us, since both of us were in relationships with controlling, abusive people before and both have the tendency to be silent rather than risk upsetting.
We don't fight. We disagree, we drop what's going on and talk it out. Neither one of us has ever raised their voice to each other.
Both of us listen. Both of us are informed and aware of the dysfunctions from each others' first marriages, and sometimes, when I can't tell I'm reacting as if I were still in my first marriage, he can tell. And vice versa. For example -- his XW had a very hot temper and would get very angry at him quite often. He will still sometimes act as if he's walking on eggshells, and when I ask him why, he'll say "I'm afraid you may be angry at me because I took the kids to do their Christmas shopping instead of stay home and help you clean the house." (His XW would have expected him to do both, and been angry if he didn't).
He's also super-attentive when we're intimate because I have a past of sexual abuse -- he can see if my eyes glaze over for a second and stop whatever he's doing and go "I can see you went somewhere else. Talk to me." That has been huge in terms of helping us have a good sex life despite my prior experiences.
So being aware of each others' pasts and understanding that when we react in weird ways, 9 times out of 10, it's because we're reacting based on decades of conditioning, not based on the here and now.
One thing that I notice is different because we have the history we have of bad marriages behind us, and that is actually better than people who haven't had those experiences, is that we really do not sweat the small stuff.
I hear my normie girlfriends complain that their husband puts his laundry next to instead of in the dirty clothes hamper, or that he doesn't replace the toilet roll when it's out, and I think "really? That's worth whining over in your mind? Lucky you!" NOT worrying about little stuff like that is really a plus.
Now, we do have the big advantage that we've known each other since we were kids. We've been friends for forever, and so while there were some blanks to fill in (given that we both pretended to be in perfectly good marriages, thank you very much, while dying on the inside), we knew each others' personalities very well. We knew what we were getting into when we got involved. Both of us had decided that we weren't going to remarry. And I think the fact that both of us had time to recover and get our footing before we got involved was crucial. He was a friend to me after I left AXH, but we didn't get romantically involved until later. By the time we did, we were two adults choosing to be together -- not one adult propping up and putting band aids on the other.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by lillamy 
Well, first of all, my husband isn't an alcoholic. He doesn't NOT drink, but his consumption may be along the lines of two beers a year, tops. He's an athlete and prioritizes healthy living.
We have an agreement about brutal honesty. That it's better to be truthful and risk hurting each others' feelings than to not speak up. This is huge for us, since both of us were in relationships with controlling, abusive people before and both have the tendency to be silent rather than risk upsetting.
We don't fight. We disagree, we drop what's going on and talk it out. Neither one of us has ever raised their voice to each other.
Both of us listen. Both of us are informed and aware of the dysfunctions from each others' first marriages, and sometimes, when I can't tell I'm reacting as if I were still in my first marriage, he can tell. And vice versa. For example -- his XW had a very hot temper and would get very angry at him quite often. He will still sometimes act as if he's walking on eggshells, and when I ask him why, he'll say "I'm afraid you may be angry at me because I took the kids to do their Christmas shopping instead of stay home and help you clean the house." (His XW would have expected him to do both, and been angry if he didn't).
He's also super-attentive when we're intimate because I have a past of sexual abuse -- he can see if my eyes glaze over for a second and stop whatever he's doing and go "I can see you went somewhere else. Talk to me." That has been huge in terms of helping us have a good sex life despite my prior experiences.
So being aware of each others' pasts and understanding that when we react in weird ways, 9 times out of 10, it's because we're reacting based on decades of conditioning, not based on the here and now.
One thing that I notice is different because we have the history we have of bad marriages behind us, and that is actually better than people who haven't had those experiences, is that we really do not sweat the small stuff.
I hear my normie girlfriends complain that their husband puts his laundry next to instead of in the dirty clothes hamper, or that he doesn't replace the toilet roll when it's out, and I think "really? That's worth whining over in your mind? Lucky you!" NOT worrying about little stuff like that is really a plus.
Now, we do have the big advantage that we've known each other since we were kids. We've been friends for forever, and so while there were some blanks to fill in (given that we both pretended to be in perfectly good marriages, thank you very much, while dying on the inside), we knew each others' personalities very well. We knew what we were getting into when we got involved. Both of us had decided that we weren't going to remarry. And I think the fact that both of us had time to recover and get our footing before we got involved was crucial. He was a friend to me after I left AXH, but we didn't get romantically involved until later. By the time we did, we were two adults choosing to be together -- not one adult propping up and putting band aids on the other.
We have an agreement about brutal honesty. That it's better to be truthful and risk hurting each others' feelings than to not speak up. This is huge for us, since both of us were in relationships with controlling, abusive people before and both have the tendency to be silent rather than risk upsetting.
We don't fight. We disagree, we drop what's going on and talk it out. Neither one of us has ever raised their voice to each other.
Both of us listen. Both of us are informed and aware of the dysfunctions from each others' first marriages, and sometimes, when I can't tell I'm reacting as if I were still in my first marriage, he can tell. And vice versa. For example -- his XW had a very hot temper and would get very angry at him quite often. He will still sometimes act as if he's walking on eggshells, and when I ask him why, he'll say "I'm afraid you may be angry at me because I took the kids to do their Christmas shopping instead of stay home and help you clean the house." (His XW would have expected him to do both, and been angry if he didn't).
He's also super-attentive when we're intimate because I have a past of sexual abuse -- he can see if my eyes glaze over for a second and stop whatever he's doing and go "I can see you went somewhere else. Talk to me." That has been huge in terms of helping us have a good sex life despite my prior experiences.
So being aware of each others' pasts and understanding that when we react in weird ways, 9 times out of 10, it's because we're reacting based on decades of conditioning, not based on the here and now.
One thing that I notice is different because we have the history we have of bad marriages behind us, and that is actually better than people who haven't had those experiences, is that we really do not sweat the small stuff.
I hear my normie girlfriends complain that their husband puts his laundry next to instead of in the dirty clothes hamper, or that he doesn't replace the toilet roll when it's out, and I think "really? That's worth whining over in your mind? Lucky you!" NOT worrying about little stuff like that is really a plus.
Now, we do have the big advantage that we've known each other since we were kids. We've been friends for forever, and so while there were some blanks to fill in (given that we both pretended to be in perfectly good marriages, thank you very much, while dying on the inside), we knew each others' personalities very well. We knew what we were getting into when we got involved. Both of us had decided that we weren't going to remarry. And I think the fact that both of us had time to recover and get our footing before we got involved was crucial. He was a friend to me after I left AXH, but we didn't get romantically involved until later. By the time we did, we were two adults choosing to be together -- not one adult propping up and putting band aids on the other.
I also agree with it being healthier in many ways than many first time around normie relationships.
He is not an A and that makes a world of difference too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when hank and I decided to make a go of things, we agreed if ain't fun, it ain't fun. meaning, if this becomes WORK or a chore or one of us is miserable or checking the grass over the fence....then we say thanks and move on. we're here because we WANT to be, free will and all that. nobody is just marking time, gutting it out, enduring.
we LIKE each other....I think that is key, way beyond the LUVVV stuff. we have conversations, talk about everything, laugh, have our down days. we don't agree on everything, what would be the fun in that? the man never ceases to amaze me....he'll pull out some odd fact, like the radius of Saturn or some damn thing. weekends are our fave time cuz we just get to hang with each other, schlepp about, take a good post-breakfast nap....it's about as exciting as a new key ring, but it works for us.
we both love to cook, altho I do believe he is the better chef....but when we conspire together we create magnificence! we recently hit a lull with "what's for dinner???" so I downloaded 3 weeks of planned menus for us to follow (with modifcations) just to get out of the rut and try new things.
we each have things that irritate the other, but nothing to the point of wanting to stab a fork in one's eye! we look out for each other, encourage the other to grow and do and try without having preconceived notions of what that should look like. while we have vastly different jobs (me, office; him, masonry construction) we understand what the other does and have an interest in how the day went, almost as if we were there.
I've yet to have a day where I did NOT want to go home, where I took the long way, or hung out with co-workers after work instead of heading home. I may like the quiet stillness when we get the hurricane out the door in the morning by 6, I look forward to the "noise" when I get home.
we love the pack and the hawks, we're following the free agency frenzy. he could absolutely care less when I mention a Knicks update (they were my team once upon a time). I know more about aliens, ancient aliens and ufos than I ever thought possible. we're starting to plan our vegetable garden.
11 years and counting.....something is working!
we LIKE each other....I think that is key, way beyond the LUVVV stuff. we have conversations, talk about everything, laugh, have our down days. we don't agree on everything, what would be the fun in that? the man never ceases to amaze me....he'll pull out some odd fact, like the radius of Saturn or some damn thing. weekends are our fave time cuz we just get to hang with each other, schlepp about, take a good post-breakfast nap....it's about as exciting as a new key ring, but it works for us.
we both love to cook, altho I do believe he is the better chef....but when we conspire together we create magnificence! we recently hit a lull with "what's for dinner???" so I downloaded 3 weeks of planned menus for us to follow (with modifcations) just to get out of the rut and try new things.
we each have things that irritate the other, but nothing to the point of wanting to stab a fork in one's eye! we look out for each other, encourage the other to grow and do and try without having preconceived notions of what that should look like. while we have vastly different jobs (me, office; him, masonry construction) we understand what the other does and have an interest in how the day went, almost as if we were there.
I've yet to have a day where I did NOT want to go home, where I took the long way, or hung out with co-workers after work instead of heading home. I may like the quiet stillness when we get the hurricane out the door in the morning by 6, I look forward to the "noise" when I get home.
we love the pack and the hawks, we're following the free agency frenzy. he could absolutely care less when I mention a Knicks update (they were my team once upon a time). I know more about aliens, ancient aliens and ufos than I ever thought possible. we're starting to plan our vegetable garden. 11 years and counting.....something is working!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
when hank and I decided to make a go of things, we agreed if ain't fun, it ain't fun. meaning, if this becomes WORK or a chore or one of us is miserable or checking the grass over the fence....then we say thanks and move on. we're here because we WANT to be, free will and all that. nobody is just marking time, gutting it out, enduring.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I love this post, and I think the key is -- it is doable. I spent years with AXH thinking "well, this is probably as good as it gets." And that was stinking thinking.
But the thing was... by the time I left, I didn't care if I was alone for the rest of my life. It was still better than being married to an abusive alcoholic. And somehow, I think that was important. I didn't leave him "for someone else" (that would have been a disaster, given the state I was in when I left). I left him, and when I was good and ready, I found someone I wanted to share my life with.
But the thing was... by the time I left, I didn't care if I was alone for the rest of my life. It was still better than being married to an abusive alcoholic. And somehow, I think that was important. I didn't leave him "for someone else" (that would have been a disaster, given the state I was in when I left). I left him, and when I was good and ready, I found someone I wanted to share my life with.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
You all damn flyboys. Making it look easy up tooling around in the clouds, while the rest of us are down here in the trenches with fixed bayonets and the mud and the blood.
Oh well. Enjoy your Happily Ever After. Dammit.
Oh well. Enjoy your Happily Ever After. Dammit.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
The best thing that happened to me post-A was I realized I didn't NEED a relationship...and I can't explain that enough, it's more than in my head it's a freedom of not needing that "thing" society has told us we need since we were young girls. It's something that just happened one day - all the sudden I felt free and happy - free of even looking for that expected relationship that all of us are supposed to have.
I have more friends than I have ever had before - real ones, both male and female. Friends who don't go around having to have a relationship to be happy - friends who live real lives for themselves and who are there for me when I need them. People I connect to and have real conversations with. People I don't need to put a label on to make myself feel good - "oh we are a couple." The bottom line is being a "couple" for many many couples out there doesn't only not make them happy it does quite the opposite it becomes a chore in life - and I'm talking about non-A couples. I know so many who are miserable yet play along to fit the societal mold - I've slowly distanced myself from those people in favor of my new healthier friends.
I'm casual now - I go with the moment and yes I've had some short flings I guess you could call them - and guess what it was great and I was/am happy. I date when I feel like it and don't when I don't. I didn't have to sit around obsessing over our "relationships". Thank god - I never want to be that girl again. I honestly don't see myself married again but I never say never....I just don't need it though. I took the leap and left the pursuit of the "perfect" life told to us by who knows who...gosh I don't miss obsessing about my relationship! Not even a little. My XRAH and I even became friends...and I don't worry about it - I don't worry about the rules or what will happen if he relapses, I'm now perfectly capable of distancing myself from anything A. I used to talk about alcoholism all the time too (that and codependency and recovery)...god I don't miss that! I almost feel like....*gasp* a "normie" again. It's great.
I have more friends than I have ever had before - real ones, both male and female. Friends who don't go around having to have a relationship to be happy - friends who live real lives for themselves and who are there for me when I need them. People I connect to and have real conversations with. People I don't need to put a label on to make myself feel good - "oh we are a couple." The bottom line is being a "couple" for many many couples out there doesn't only not make them happy it does quite the opposite it becomes a chore in life - and I'm talking about non-A couples. I know so many who are miserable yet play along to fit the societal mold - I've slowly distanced myself from those people in favor of my new healthier friends.
I'm casual now - I go with the moment and yes I've had some short flings I guess you could call them - and guess what it was great and I was/am happy. I date when I feel like it and don't when I don't. I didn't have to sit around obsessing over our "relationships". Thank god - I never want to be that girl again. I honestly don't see myself married again but I never say never....I just don't need it though. I took the leap and left the pursuit of the "perfect" life told to us by who knows who...gosh I don't miss obsessing about my relationship! Not even a little. My XRAH and I even became friends...and I don't worry about it - I don't worry about the rules or what will happen if he relapses, I'm now perfectly capable of distancing myself from anything A. I used to talk about alcoholism all the time too (that and codependency and recovery)...god I don't miss that! I almost feel like....*gasp* a "normie" again. It's great.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
I just want to give a thank you for starting this thread and to everyone that added positive examples. When thinking back, I believe that I was one of those that just assumed that I need to accept my lot and just find a way to live with it. That there would never be anything better out there for me. I am pretty much to the point though, where, living alone would be an improvement. I have a close friendship with my counselor buddy, but when I make my move, I plan on taking things very slow. I don't want to jump into the fire.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
