countrygirl52

I've posted about my elderly alcoholic mother who a week out of a nursing home, less than a week home, took a cab to buy vodka. This was before I started Alanon, I got mad w her and she gave me the bottle. Alanon says you aren't supposed to confiscate etc. She wants it back. I think it's a loaded gun, but know she'll eventually do it again.

Any help, suggestion appreciated.

CAPTAINZING2000

Are you sharing a house ?

countrygirl52

She owns her own home. I have PoA. My husband and I spend some time there.

FeelingGreat

Hi countrygirl, you may as well give it to her if she's going to get another one anyway. Or pour it away if that goes against the grain. I wouldn't waste a lot of thought on it.
I've had a little bit of experience with PoA as my mother has just gone into assisted care and my very diligent sister has PoA. There's a lot of responsibility involved.
Can I suggest you go into some detailed research and planning about your mother's future? From you previous posts she has a house and a limited amount of money, as well as a mission to drink herself into an early grave. Your PoA forces you to be involved in her future care, if she's uncontrollable. I think a visit to an attorney might be a good idea (share the cost with family), followed by a family conference with your brothers so you can present your mom with a united front.
ATM you're going from situation to situation, but events are going to force your hand as her physical and mental state declines. Old people can be very stubborn, but sometimes you have to be very frank with them. My mother was saying she was managing perfectly on her own, and it wasn't until I explained to her how much effort from others went into her 'managing' that she finally understood, and made the very brave decision to go into assisted care, where she is much safer and thriving.
You might have to draw your mother a road map of the future when her money runs out and the bills on the house pile up, with her drinking compounding the situation. If she is completely uncooperative, and you can't exercise your PoA then then consider stepping back.

Godismyrock

With my AH, I used to search for the bottle, and pour it out.

That did me no good.

Then, I used to take the bottle from him and pour it out.

That did me no good.

Then, I started asking him to pour it out. That did me no good.

Then I made boundaries and stuck to them - no alcohol is allowed in our house. That one has worked. If he brings alcohol here, it has to be gone. I am not involved in how, when, why or how it gets removed from here.

Another boundary, if he drinks at all, he is not welcome here. He has to go elsewhere. The only thing I require of how he respects this boundary is no driving for my own (and others) protection. I hide the car keys before confronting him about drinking in our home. Usually he makes a scene, and then leaves in a cab. He used to go directly to a bar, but now is starting to go a hotel, or even (once, and I pray more), to an all night AA meeting.

I can deal with this because I can use boundaries. Maybe there is a boundary that you can use for your relationship with her?

Active alcoholics can't have relationships. They take hostages. Do you want to be her hostage? Boundaries create protections for you as the hostage.

Hammer

Just saying me . . . . not as an Alanon perspective or anything . . . would say it is not a fun game, and no longer play.

IF "it" is about Alcohol, it is not about me.

Wants complain about the bottle. Sorry not going there.
Wants a ride to the Liquor store. mmm. Not today.

Sort of an equation may look like this:

Mom + Alcohol = I am not part of it.

That frees you up to do the things you want to do to help her, and enjoy it.

Alcoholics are resourceful. If she wants Alcohol she will find a way.

FireSprite

Unfortunately, simply taking away her bottle won't force her to abstain, you already know she's capable of and likely to just get more. Your POA is useless in the matter of dealing with her active addiction as well, it doesn't give you any right or decision making power in relation to her personal habits. How long has she been an alcoholic? It may be medically dangerous to force her to detox if she's been active for many years.

Hawkeye13

I spent most of my adult life trying to "manage" my mothers alcoholism and smoking addictions. She'd smoke and drink herself in and out of hospital, nursing, assisted living, and so on and so on and so on.

She would refuse ambulance trips, demand to leave the hospital, and want me to take her out from her hospital room to smoke when she could barely breathe.
She smoked and drank with her oxygen in her home.
She pretty did what she wanted, and she had the legal right to do it.
I made myself crazy trying to keep her well and safe and off the road drunk and to keep her alive in the end despite her self-destructive actions.
As her POA, I had the legal obligation to think of her welfare. As her daughter, I tried to do it despite verbal abuse and incredible demands of time and energy.
I ended up becoming a full-blown alcoholic in part to deal with the constant crisis, pain, and guilt caring for her became.

All of this nearly destroyed my marriage, my health and my sanity.
Your mother won't stop if she doesn't want to and you will not be able to control it.

Either accept that, or if you can't or won't, you need to remove yourself as POA
I would contact and elder care organization in your area and see about your legal rights and obligations to both her and yourself.
I'm not saying your mother would ever be as difficult as mine was, but with an addict, you just can't predict this stuff.

I wish you luck, and compassion for both her and yourself (including your husband).
You will most certainly need a heaping helping of both to emerge from this situation intact.

CodeJob

Hi country girl,

Does your mom have health care POA and a health directive? If she is drinking herself to oblivion, does she have a DNR?

One of my residents in a care center would get ahold of alcohol from the various staff. This was to offset the supply she got via script.