Mits78

There i said it. Here we go.................

This happend over 40 years ago and I just discovered it 4 days ago. I have been srtuggling with anxiety and depression my entire life. I tried everything to get rid of it and nothing worked. This past sunday I felt panic coming on. I laid on the couch to try to relax when it got worse. I told myself I dont give a **** what happens here I want to know what this is. I went as deep in my mind as I could and began to get horrified. I kept going. I kept seeing my neighbors house and a demon. I wasnt sure if it was real or just something i imagined but it seemed real enough. Horror.

The next day I called my new therapist (psychotherapist not a drug doctor) and saw her the second day. We spoke about things that bothered me and then I began to tell her about sunday. I kept avoiding what happened sunday but eventually I spoke. We got to the point of mentioning a name i put my head down and began to cry.

Things then got a lot worse. I began to shake and my mind entered the trauma all over again. I saw a darkness in front of me that was a place I didnt want to go again because it was the most aweful place I ever experienced and there was no return. Someone would say it was hell and it sure seemed like it.

After she calmed me down I asked her if this was real and I wasnt just making it up ( trauma has a way of making things that arent real seem so), she said it is real. My own mind blocked it out for over 40 years. We talked more and I kept asking her if it was real she kept saying yes. I got up to walk off some of the energy, stood there for a moment and said "yeah, it was him". Now it was real.

Thankfully I was so young I dont remember images only feelings. The trauma. This man didnt only abuse me sexually I feel I tried to tell someone they didnt believe me and he reprimanded me for it. I must have been bad because this is where the trauma comes from. The horror. Constantly on alert my entire life. My central nervous system stored this energy and it never left. This is my anxiety and depression. It explains EVERTHING I have and havent done in this life. Drinking, fear, nervous, lack of concentration, cant get close to anyone, all the poor judgement...on and on and on.

EVERY panic attack i experienced, at its core, was what this man did to me. The horror left in my nervous system was awoken.

I am thankful that I dont remember details and know know there are other things there i questioned but I now know they need not be answered. The trauma is slowly leaving my body. I dont need to go back there anymore. Its finally coming to a end. I need to teach my nervous system that its over.
I looked this man up on-line (trembling as i did) and thank GOD he is dead! I probably would have killed him if he wasnt. I prayed for his soul and found some peace because I would NEVER wish ANYONE into the hell i saw that day. Not even him.

Now I know, I finally know what has been bothering me my whole life. It was always there in the back of my mind that I couldn't see. Sorry for the lenghtly post, I just want to get it out. There is nothing I need to be ashamed about anymore. It will take time but i will put this behind me.

I can finally move on with my life!

Dee74

I'm really sorry this happened to you Mits.

I'm glad you've found someone to work with tho, and that you're moving on.

D

Mits78

Thank you DEE. Don't feel sorry one bit. I don't. Just wanted to get it out.

least

I'm glad you have someone to help you work thru this.

suki44883

I don't really know what to say, Mits, but I am glad that you were finally able to identify the cause of your panic and anxiety. It's just unimaginable to me that some adults can do these things to children. I'm so sorry it happened to you, but I am happy that figuring it out has been a help to you. ((((HUGS))))

Tamerua

Now the healing can begin. Hugs.

countrysidegirl

Dear Mitts
I can totally understand what you are going through, I'm 29 and was molested by my grandparents and then suffered physical abuse by my step father till I went into care at 12, I didn't remember much about the molestation it was only when I went into care and experienced normal love that things started to click in my mind, I have had various therapies over the years to deal with the trauma, flashbacks but I personally find therapy very risky I don't blame the therapists they see you for an allocated time, get you to open pandoras box and then the session ends, I often left these sessions feeling like a hurt child, my emotions were all over the place, to cope I turned to alcohol, at first the drink helped numb the pain but eventually I began to have worse flashbacks in intoxication, got violent and was a regular with the police for a while, I'm deeply ashamed of this but thankfully I'm trying to leave the false help that I though the drink gave .
I really hope therapy helps you, abuse can mold you and give you strength of character you NEVER THOUGHT YOU HAD, I'm due to start therapy again but will not go down my past unless I feel I'm ready to go there..at the moment I know I'm not I will drink again and end up in this vicious cycle.
I send you my deepest thoughts, I will not say I feel sorry because that can sound and make you feel like a weak animal I am however hear to listen and offer advise
we are all indivual and deal with things differently but this site will HELP YOU I only joined yesterday and already feel at peace knowing if I am having the day from hell I can come on here and feel no longer alone, I'm with real people, who have lived through the nightmare of addiction and pain, not some professional who has studied it for years
all my love
countrysidegirl

GracieLou

I understand.

I thought mine was a dream for the longest time but it stayed with me and was fairly clear. When I got older I realized it was not a dream, even though I never thought it really was, because kids at that age do not dream about stuff like that.

When I told I was not believed and I am still not believed to this day. It is the main factor for the strain in the relationship I have with my mother. She not only did not believe me but threw it my face on several occasions over the years that I was lying.

I was not lying, it did happen and it hurts that because I was a child that it was dismissed, I was dismissed. It was stuffed away. It was never talked about, no questions were asked, no follow up was done. Nothing. It did not even merit the skeleton closet. At least the skeletons fall out now and then, mine was buried.

I have really tried to forgive my mother, I can only assume that she was doing what she felt in her heart at the time and that later on the fear of the truth kept her in denial and still keeps her there. I think if she were to admit it then she would feel she needs to take some of the blame. Mind you I am only guessing. The last time It was brought up I simply said I didn't care if she believes me or not and that was the truth. I do not need her to qualify it or accept any responsibility because in the end it was not her fault and we can't go back 35 years and change anything

countrysidegirl

we cannot afford to hold on to hate, jealousy or any other negative emotion it will only lead to drink
some hurts can never be healed but its how you learn to cope with them and then let go by letting go is when the true healing can begin

Finnie

Hi just wanted to say you are not alone. I was abused repeatedly as a child as well. It has been bubbling away now for a good few years now, since my own children were born really. I have so much work to do on myself and therapy for this trauma is one key part of my recovery. I have only 10 weeks sober so far but I will get to it.

I will just share one horrible memory from when I was about 7 that I have never been able to forget. I was in bed asleep and I was having a nightmare. Basically there was this gremlin like creature behind the curtains and he was flashing. I don't think he was naked or anything but the curtains would open, I would see him and the curtains would close. I remember screaming, screaming and my parents came. I don't know if they came in reality or if I dreamed that part too. They checked behind the curtain and told me there was nothing there. Off they went and this creature started flashing me again. I remember screaming and being rooted to the bed in fear. My parents came again and checked again. I could still see him when they weren't looking. They didn't believe me.

32 years later I can still picture the room, where I was, how I felt. This is the first time I have told anyone this ever in my life. Am crying now.

countrysidegirl

hey finnie don't cry
send you hugs feel helpless over the damn internet now
ten weeks sober well done finnie
stay strong
at least we can come on here and share experiences abuse can make one feel totally alone
we are not alone there are people on here who care and who have experienced trauma
sincere hugs to you all

KateL

I hope you can work through this and then put it to bed xxxxxx

zombiegirl

I was mentally abused and sometimes physically by my parents.
Mum worse then dad.
I have learnt to forgive as I am a much stronger person now.
Thankfully it wasn't sexual as that is awful but look how strong you guys are as you are still here fighting those demons hold your heads up high xxx

Mits78

Finnie, if you need to cry then cry. Let it out! Release all that negative energy. Feel it leaving your body. I am so PROUD of you that you finally said something. find a psychotherapist to help you let go of what you feel.

you may have to talk about some of what happened but you don't have to go into detail. Its dealing now with what you feel and how to SHIFT that feeling (sensation) letting it release from your body.

You don't have to relive it. You DO NOT have to go back there!

Its trauma it needs to run its course, and it will. You made a HUGE step posting this.

jakec

This was extremely brave of you to share about.

Mits78

Thank you jake.

jessie65

So sorry this happened to you. I was also molested as a child and I remember it as young as 3 or 4 and up to 14. I have two recurring dreams/nightmares I can't make total sense out of, but one of them I can guess what causes it yet I can't remember the actual event.

I have this nightmare quite often, something is in my mouth, I am gagging and I keep trying to get it out but it's impossible. The 2'nd dream is my hands are huge and I can barely move them. They hurt and I can't even bend my fingers because they are swollen to twice their size.
I've always thought these nightmares have something to do with being molested but can't remember details.
It truly does screw a child up for life. Prayers for you.

countrysidegirl

Bloody hell
The people who did it to me are still alive i have dreamed so many times if ways to dispose of them....
I think as I'm older the abuse stopped at 12 but a family member i stayed with at 16 attacked me i wont go into details i think you have to be very careful on places like this...don't get that wrong love it here but you have to be careful
Anyway I'm very damaged but in slowly learning that now im safe , the demons in me cant kill me they will if i give them v
Booze as they want booze ....trauma never gets erased but it can be Embraced, loved and dealt with
So.many Of you are sooooo brave to talk about what happened to you , i feel so overwhelmed knowing i am no longer alone i hope by being on here my own pain can get better and each day off sobriety gets easier

Mits78

I cant believe you said this!! I used to get the same thing!!

Its been less than a week since this truth came out of me so i'm no expert on trauma but the the dots are being connected at a rapid pace.

I would suggest reading "Waking the tiger" by Peter Levine. The man is brilliant.

He mentioned how a traumatic event can cause someone to think they were molested even when they weren't. Someone could have been born with a umbilical chord around their neck and caused trauma (anxiety). Our minds are continually covering up the event when our subconscious knows its there. This causes feelings of unreality. We aren't seeing with our eyes (staying in today)what we are feeling in our nervous system.

The most important thing he said is you DONT NEED to know what happened. The trauma just needs to run its course and be completed. Read it!

jessie65

Mits, that's pretty interesting, have you made sense out of the dream?

I will definitely look into getting the book.