suncatcher

I thought I could remain friends with AXBF. He had some health issues and I was there for him. We have been spending some time together and we're getting along as friends. Then he starts insulting me trying to push my buttons again, trying to get me to react. I remained nonchalant and haven't heard from him. I'm sure he has no remorse for his rude actions and here I am playing them over in my mind wandering what makes the A want to hurt people? I know I just need to distance myself again and go no contact. I just wish I knew where the meanness comes from? I don't feel the need to say mean things to him, why does he need to say mean things to me? What does he get out of that?

Hammer

Do you know the bear and the rabbit story?

suncatcher

No, Hammer I don't know that story but somehow I feel as if I should? Lol

suncatcher

I just Googled the story - I remember it now. But I'm missing something- I'm sure there is a moral to the story that applies to my situation but I'm not seeing it just yet...enlighten me?

AnvilheadII

from a codependent red flag warning position, i see THIS as part of the problem:

and I was there for him

suncatcher

I know it's a curse to be a codependent nurse! Lol but I have changed how I react to him. I do still have the tendency to care take and have to work on that.

ladyscribbler

The Curse of the Codependent Nurse. That sounds like an Edgar Allen Poe title. Maybe you should become a poet.
And tell your ex NEVERMORE! You're not the only nurse in the world- though you're the first I've seen with such mad rhyming skills.

Hammer

Ahhhh the application? Do not be the rabbit.

Do you follow that he is dumping his crap on you?

Crap goes in the toilet. You are not a toilet.

But since I created an entrée for my potty mouth story telling . . .

From a discussion on bpdfamily.com (I am "somewhere" on that site).

============

How to 'detach' and set boundaries if they won't let us?

Suppose that might work, were I (or the kids) a toilet.

We had a talk about iit and decided we were not.

Storyline goes like this:

A Bear and a Rabbit are out in the Spring eating berries. After awhile both had to take a dump. The Rabbit goes to edge of the woods and poops out his little poops. The Bear comes over and lets the crap fly. And then rants, "I hate the way this S**t sticks to my fur!" The Rabbit mentions that it does not stick to his fur. The Bear looks over at the Rabbit and says, "In that case you will not mind . . ." And the Bear grabs the Rabbit and uses the Rabbit as toilet paper . . .

While Momma was away at rehab, we decided we would quit being the Rabbit.

First big blow-up and I quit being the Rabbit -- sort of set the New Order. Been running on that about 8 weeks, now.

My 10 year old daughter came and thanked me for stopping being the Rabbit. Said she would have ran-away if I had not. Daughter became the next target and we got her help with Ala-Teen. Momma has chilled on the Toilet and Paper routines on us around here.

The Crap Stops when we say so.

suncatcher

So trying to help him out when he was sick was a bad thing? He asked for my help with instructions for a procedure, of course the codie in me rushed to the rescue, but I do still care about the guy. I don't have the same romantic feelings for him but care about his well being. We were playing cards the other night and he just started hurling insults, he was drunk of course and I didn't react but I did leave. The old me would have reacted and tried to call him and figure him out. I'm trying to let it go and just get back to my peaceful quiet life without letting his comments set me back. Sorry if I sound like a broken record.

Hammer

Sounds GREAT to me.

Insults start . . . you say, "That's enough of THAT."

And leave.

Super You!

HealingWillCome

There is nothing wrong with helping a friend in need. It only becomes a problem when the friend disrespects or uses us. And that's what alcoholics/addicts do. The use alcohol. They use drugs. They use people.

I was a slow learner, too. Still am sometimes. I think it goes back to the old adage, 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.' With some people I have been beyond foolish. And unfortunately I have chosen those people to be: 1) my now xah, and 2) my now xabf. Bad picker.

You don't feel the need to say mean things to him because you care about how others feel. Active alcoholics generally don't. Heck, a lot of non-alcoholics generally don't.

We who are more codependent by nature get sucked into the alcoholic/addict's vacuum more easily. It's a harder vacuum to unplug and escape from when we fall in love. Keep working at it. You'll find your strength and eventually learn to say no.

Once I learned that I could still love someone but do it from a distance, my life became much more peaceful. I don't have to be the rescuer. I can pray for a person to get the help they need in the way that is best for them without setting myself up for hurt. You're right--no contact is the way to go. You can do it.

suncatcher

[QUOTE=ladyscribbler;4528004]The Curse of the Codependent Nurse. That sounds like an Edgar Allen Poe title. Maybe you should become a poet.
I was thinking it sounded more Dr. Seuss ish

dandylion

suncatcher----of course, there is nothing wrong with helping others--in and of itself! Thank heaven for those that do.

There is a stickey wicket for those of us who have co-dependent tendencies, though. Many of us learned very early in life that we had value when we were doing or extending ourselves for the welfare of others. We learned that this is how we were valued by others--this was how we felt worthy.

Thus, when we we sense that someone "needs" us---that is music to our ears!! We can feel confident and secure when we are needed---we feel valued in a way that is very comfortable and familiar to us. If we are needed--than, maybe we will be valued--and loved. Maybe we won't be rejected---we won't be abandoned.

The problem is when we are needed by those who don't respect our real worth (for whatever reason)---our integral value beyond being useful to them. If we develop love feelings for this kind of person---there can be Hel* to pay. Once we are not helping them in the ways they demand---they will often bite us.

I've got a couple of scars from those bites.

dandylion

Katiekate

He is not your friend, your friend would not treat you badly.

He doesn't want you to be his friend, he wants you to be his punching bag.

He has showed you that. Next time you can tell him that your would be happy to help, just be sure to take your duct tape, he will need to apply it aggressively to his mouth.

It will never change. He is an active alcoholic, they abuse their loved ones, their friends, and themselves. Not going to change.

Lyssy

My T told me if I felt the "need" to help someone - be sure to help someone who will appreciate it. I now volunteer with an organization that helps special need children! The hugs, high-fives and smiles I get after the sessions are SO much rewarding than anything my rAH ever gave me after I "helped" him

suncatcher

I have the scars too, Dandylion. Fortunately they are in various stages of healing and I'm trying not to get new ones . Thank you all so much for listening to me today. I felt the old self doubt and anxiety starting and wanted to nip it in the bud so I posted. Hammer, thanks for sharing your link and reminding me I am not a toilet! Lol I loved that analogy and it made sense! I think that is what I was looking for a way for all the crap to make sense. Hugs to all

suncatcher

Lyssy that is great advice and what I enjoy most about nursing. Thank you

Lyssy

I think that is why the boundaries we put in place with the addicts are so hard when our real jobs entail service or helping other. At least it is for me - I tend to forget I am not dealing with a normal person like I do all day long. Sometimes I don't remember to flip that switch when I get home.

suncatcher

Lyssy, I have the same problem. That is why I get so frustrated and set myself up to get hurt with the A in my life. I do what comes natural and help when I can then he stomps on my self esteem and I get mad at myself for putting myself in that spot! It's hard to draw that line sometimes. BTW I love your quote! I think I will post it on my fridge if you don't mind

AnvilheadII

might be time to get a clearer definition of what HELP means...for you. and to work on the notion that he does not NEED your HELP...not in the way you want to GIVE it....OR and here's the kicker....what "reward" you will get for that HELP.

I too am a carer by default....mother of the planet, don't ya know. thing is I tend to limit my help....to those that I THINK really need it. volunteering has been a lifesaver for me....doing good deeds that truly have an impact on those who do not have the resources or wherewithal - those truly IN need....which is different than being NEEDY.