copperducky

Here I am again, hoping that I am striving forward with myself.
I have been very brain tired lately from focusing on the 3 C's that someone here told me about. That has been the basis of my work on myself for the last few weeks and Im ever hopeful that I am (again) striving forward.

1. I didnt Cause it....this C was the quickest to put into retrospect for me. And although I do realize that I didnt Cause his drinking..I cannot put aside the fact that I may have contributed to it by way of not seeing the obvious and perhaps ignoring a large portion of it and even letting the anger, frustration and grief overcome me and create bitterness. With that said, I strive forward with having noted to myself and forgiven myself for playing a role in his disease.

2. I cant Control it....this is the hard one for me having been alone for so long with his travel work. I ultimately took control over our household as a necessity to make things easier for the both of us. Now I find myself trying to control where he goes and what he does and how he does it to perhaps put some control over his drinking...I SO need to STOP doing that!!! Trying.

I have somewhat discovered within myself the thought of "what will be....will just be" And so, I have used that to control my control over him. To keep saying to myself over and over that no matter what I do, he WILL find a way to drink. So I also keep telling myself to STOP and chill the control issue. Getting better at just controlling myself and hopefully this means that I am striving forward yet again!

And last but not least #3 I Cant Cure it! Wow...this one inevitably leads back to #2!! And since I absolutely cannot Control it then how in the hell do I think I can Cure it!!!
So, I have found away to let myself support his good days, his good habits and live in the moments of those and enjoy my life a little more each day.
And I must say...it has truly made an impression on him as well as myself!
He is moderating more and getting better at that and I am willing to let that be what it is for the sake of my sanity and my own well being.

Now that I am not focused on him, he and I both have relaxed. I know this is not the end of his disease and I know that with time it may even get worse, but I believe that I can effectively see my husband for what he is...my husband whom I love.. with a disease of alcoholism.
He is not a monster and he is not abusive and I have started to figure out the the 3 C's that I now focus on are helping me get back to being me.

Is this detachment with love?
Anyone's thoughts are always welcome...since those thoughts you all write back are one of the cornerstones to my own Recovery. Thanks

Hammer

Not much to say other than Damn Fine!

Would be great as part of a Newcomer Meeting . . . .

CarryOn

It really sounds like you are doing well...it is nice to be able to see the progress we are making in our thinking. Something my counselor told me and that I often see here is "when we know better, we do better", so forgive yourself for what you feel is your contribution, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. I'm sure we could have some very long threads about the craziness we F&F exhibited in dealing with our A's!

I enjoyed reading your examination of the three c's...how great that you have found such guidance in them. They really helped me out so much, too. I can remember just repeating them over and over to myself when I would feel my anxiety creeping up. I continue to use them...like so many of the tools we learn, they are applicable to more than just alcohol.

And yes, I think this is an example of detachment with love. You've detached from AH's drinking, from the behavior that comes with it (both yours & his), and from your old ways of thinking while he is drinking. Keep taking care of you!

copperducky

Thanks guys. While I definitely am not in full Recovery mode (as I do have my bad hair days!) I at least can see that tiny pinhole of a light at the end of my own tunnel.
Am not willing to let my AH go because of the tremendous love we have for each other, and so I am still helping him by way of support of the good aspects of our marriage. And thankfully at this point those good aspects are still out weighing the bad.

honeypig

It sounds like you're starting to get a little clarity, like you're beginning to get your feet on the ground and assess what's real and what's not, what is actually happening in your life. That's a good place to be.

Take your time. Keep on learning, keep on reading, get to Alanon if you possibly can. At some point, you'll be clear about what you want and what you can live with, and you'll be equally clear about whether you're getting that or not in your current relationship.

Good work, copperducky!