Wife of an Addict
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 53
Wife of an Addict
I am New hear and have got some really nice messages and support from people that I have never met and it is a relief to not feel crazy and alone during these times !! I have been going through this with my spouse for 4 years now and once again he is back to what he always has been doing !!! I can remember 4 years ago today when he was remorseful and sorry and admitted it ,and he went cold turkey and we went through it together and he was willing to do it and sorry and attempted to kick it on his own i was so proud of him I thought he slipped and it was going to go away and never return we moved on with our family life .. Since then he has been on and off for 4 years lying and hiding it to protect it!!! Wow time flew and here I am with just a small tiny fraction to myself that this will go away again!!! .. I downloaded some Narnon books today and to start to let go of my obsession with his addiction as I read on here i can see that I am not alone and its time to give up on 11 years of life with the man i once knew.. One woman at a meeting told me you can be in front of a truck and either the truck hits you or the pills and he will choose them ? I came home I thought about it said to myself said no way would he ever but you know what she was 100% right !! The only thing he lives for and puts energy into is the lifestyle of using and hiding it from me ... All I do is hunt it down and become so dam good that I am 2 steps ahead of him at all times behind him over him and just straight stalking him!!! This is no way to live especially after its been going on for 4 years!!!!. Mentally and Emotionally drained just like the book says !! I am Sober my higher mental thinking is fully intact and I am capable of putting an end to my battle to get him to stop using pills because i cant change him or help him .. I am working my steps and worrying about my kids and myself today and forever .. Reading ,Working Cleaning and continuing to stay Mentally free from this bulls**t forever .. So if there is another wife out there and she goes through this and its at the very begining like it was for me 4 years ago make a statement and a loud one stay strong and always keep yourself financially stable for the future because the begining is never the end ..
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Hi there,
I know this post is relatively old but I was looking at your threads and they all hit very close to home, so I wanted to take an opportunity to respond. 4 years. I get it. I have been with my AH for 4 years to the date. We have been cycling through his addiction highs, lows, promises, regrets, disappearing acts, lies, declarations of love, leave or stay, for 4 long years. I have been and am still, just like you: I look around for signs of use, I look through phones, I worry, I haggle, I deny, I believe, I threaten to leave and then I stay. I have been doing this for 4 long years. Just like you.
This is what I have learned: there is a cycle to this addiction. It's a pattern. He uses until he is all washed up and out of money, mercifully asks for forgiveness, promises not to let himself go under again, acquires more cash, and goes out again. My response - worry and anger when active, accepting and forgiving when broke, cycle repeat.
This is what I know now, from years of this pattern: it takes two to play this game. The game will go on and on and on until someone makes a different move. My AH will not make the move. He refuses to acknowledge he needs treatment. He will not do anything different. If I want the game to stop, I'm the one that has to make the move. And so, I have finally accepted I HAVE to move or I will die trying to win the game. Literally, I will become physically ill from the emotional abuse and trauma and I will spend my life savings and all that I have worked so very hard for trying to compensate for his lack of financial stability. I CANNOT let my life go like that. I have finally accepted I will go down with him if I stay and I can't do that.
I read your more recent threads about divorce, remorse and kindness, and then more name calling and anger. The chaos and drama will continue if you do not leave him. You may have to go no contact and that will be hard, but it's not impossible. SO many people have gone no contact with husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, and friends on this site and they have made it through. Keep reading. I hope you find peace soon.
I know this post is relatively old but I was looking at your threads and they all hit very close to home, so I wanted to take an opportunity to respond. 4 years. I get it. I have been with my AH for 4 years to the date. We have been cycling through his addiction highs, lows, promises, regrets, disappearing acts, lies, declarations of love, leave or stay, for 4 long years. I have been and am still, just like you: I look around for signs of use, I look through phones, I worry, I haggle, I deny, I believe, I threaten to leave and then I stay. I have been doing this for 4 long years. Just like you.
This is what I have learned: there is a cycle to this addiction. It's a pattern. He uses until he is all washed up and out of money, mercifully asks for forgiveness, promises not to let himself go under again, acquires more cash, and goes out again. My response - worry and anger when active, accepting and forgiving when broke, cycle repeat.
This is what I know now, from years of this pattern: it takes two to play this game. The game will go on and on and on until someone makes a different move. My AH will not make the move. He refuses to acknowledge he needs treatment. He will not do anything different. If I want the game to stop, I'm the one that has to make the move. And so, I have finally accepted I HAVE to move or I will die trying to win the game. Literally, I will become physically ill from the emotional abuse and trauma and I will spend my life savings and all that I have worked so very hard for trying to compensate for his lack of financial stability. I CANNOT let my life go like that. I have finally accepted I will go down with him if I stay and I can't do that.
I read your more recent threads about divorce, remorse and kindness, and then more name calling and anger. The chaos and drama will continue if you do not leave him. You may have to go no contact and that will be hard, but it's not impossible. SO many people have gone no contact with husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, and friends on this site and they have made it through. Keep reading. I hope you find peace soon.
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