Staying too long and the impact on kids
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Staying too long and the impact on kids
As I have said, as difficult as this separation has been everyday is more peaceful. Today I was reminded of why this is better for my children.
My daughter has said things to me today that sound like they are coming from her father's mouth...sarcasm and criticism under the guise of being "funny" and then accusing me of having no sense of humor when I do not find it funny. AH did this all the time. It appears she has learned from him. Hopefully it's not too late to change this behavior with her. She also commented how I don't do anything around the house. Something he would say...even though I do everything around here.
All this time I thought I was protecting them not realizing they were learning so much about how to interact and communicate with people the wrong way, especially those we love. And this is mild compared to some behaviors children of A's have seen.
All of these subtle and not so subtle things being modeled for our children...I was kidding myself thinking it was better for them.
I wish I had separated so long ago...
On another note...I asked AH to come over yesterday am only because I had an appt early. In less than five minutes my son was yelling at him to stop aggravating and I was at my limit as well. His comments implying what a terrible mother I am because I let our son play a game on the computer too long.
It's unbelievable...he does not see what a stellar parent he is apparently.
My daughter has said things to me today that sound like they are coming from her father's mouth...sarcasm and criticism under the guise of being "funny" and then accusing me of having no sense of humor when I do not find it funny. AH did this all the time. It appears she has learned from him. Hopefully it's not too late to change this behavior with her. She also commented how I don't do anything around the house. Something he would say...even though I do everything around here.
All this time I thought I was protecting them not realizing they were learning so much about how to interact and communicate with people the wrong way, especially those we love. And this is mild compared to some behaviors children of A's have seen.
All of these subtle and not so subtle things being modeled for our children...I was kidding myself thinking it was better for them.
I wish I had separated so long ago...
On another note...I asked AH to come over yesterday am only because I had an appt early. In less than five minutes my son was yelling at him to stop aggravating and I was at my limit as well. His comments implying what a terrible mother I am because I let our son play a game on the computer too long.
It's unbelievable...he does not see what a stellar parent he is apparently.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
My husband does the insults under the guise of being a "joke" thing as well. He also triangulates me into his interactions with our children. Both very unhealthy and things I didn't even notice until we were separated and I was in counseling. Thankfully my own children are very young (my oldest is two) so I'm hoping I can nip this in the bud well before they start emulating him.
Good job on getting your kids out of a toxic environment!
You're doing great!
Good job on getting your kids out of a toxic environment!
You're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
I can so relate, Chelsea. I wish I'd left, too. I see similar issues in my children. Both of the younger two frequently make disparaging comments under the guise of humor and sarcasm. Most are aimed at me, some at each other or other people. I'm having major issues with the middle child. He lived with my parents for a while to get away from XAH. My parents did not enforce any rules... Now that he's home, he's rebelling, treating me disrespectfully, and testing every rule and limit I have 
Like your AH, mine did not/does not clearly see his faults. He blames the issues primarily on me. To be honest, I place the majority of the blame on me because I didn't leave sooner and contributed through my own complacency That's the hardest part... the guilt and regret can cripple me if I focus too long on it. I am just hoping therapy, combined with a more peaceful home and a healthier me modeling better behavior, will be sufficient to repair some of the damage.
Just know that you did the right thing... made the right choice going forward. You've given your children a better home. Be proud of that
Like your AH, mine did not/does not clearly see his faults. He blames the issues primarily on me. To be honest, I place the majority of the blame on me because I didn't leave sooner and contributed through my own complacency That's the hardest part... the guilt and regret can cripple me if I focus too long on it. I am just hoping therapy, combined with a more peaceful home and a healthier me modeling better behavior, will be sufficient to repair some of the damage.Just know that you did the right thing... made the right choice going forward. You've given your children a better home. Be proud of that
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I have posted or commented several times about my heartache on how deeply my daughters were affected by the disease (my exah's alcoholism/addiction & my untreated al-anonism) in our home.
So if you have read this before and are tired of hearing it, please skip to the next post, but I personally don't think it can be said enough ~ our precious children, especially our daughters, need & deserved to be taught they deserve respect & healthy behaviors from their partners and from themselves.
Because I continually tolerated my exah lies, manipulations, multiple relapses, verbal abuse, emotional belittlement, disrespect, theft, and other unhealthy actions. . .
I taught my beautiful daughters that it was perfectly normal to have this from their boyfriends or spouses when they began dating. . .
How could they know to seek something different when I allowed them to live in a home that didn't have anything different. . .
Children learn what they see ~
My lovely daughters are now all grown ~ I have been in recovery for over 10 yrs now. My exAH has been out of our lives for 5 yrs. They still miss the good parts of him; he is not in a healthy place, so they are unable to have contact with him. All of my girls are working on learning to do things a healthier way ~ it is a struggle for them too; just like it has been for me.
My greatest regret is not giving my exah over 17 yrs of my life; my greatest regret during that 17 yrs not giving my daughters a healthier example of how to live, how to respect yourself and how to be in a healthy relationship.
Just my e, s, & h
pink hugs & best wishes for all
So if you have read this before and are tired of hearing it, please skip to the next post, but I personally don't think it can be said enough ~ our precious children, especially our daughters, need & deserved to be taught they deserve respect & healthy behaviors from their partners and from themselves.
Because I continually tolerated my exah lies, manipulations, multiple relapses, verbal abuse, emotional belittlement, disrespect, theft, and other unhealthy actions. . .
I taught my beautiful daughters that it was perfectly normal to have this from their boyfriends or spouses when they began dating. . .
How could they know to seek something different when I allowed them to live in a home that didn't have anything different. . .
Children learn what they see ~
My lovely daughters are now all grown ~ I have been in recovery for over 10 yrs now. My exAH has been out of our lives for 5 yrs. They still miss the good parts of him; he is not in a healthy place, so they are unable to have contact with him. All of my girls are working on learning to do things a healthier way ~ it is a struggle for them too; just like it has been for me.
My greatest regret is not giving my exah over 17 yrs of my life; my greatest regret during that 17 yrs not giving my daughters a healthier example of how to live, how to respect yourself and how to be in a healthy relationship.
Just my e, s, & h
pink hugs & best wishes for all
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 53
Wow ladies thanks for sharing I'm living in this right now and I am loosing my mind I am ready today to stop loathing and hoping that life will be back to normal acceptance is so hard for me and I am trying to give myself a boost by letting go .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Thank you all. Stung- it's great you got out while your children are young. I know exactly about the involvement in his interactions with the kids - mine does the same. It's all so dysfunctional.
.justagirl1971 it's true the guilt and regret can be crippling, so I can't focus on it. Easier said than done of course but I'm trying. I can only move forward.
I wish I had realized what my children were learning...and stopped it so much earlier.
Mspinkacres- you are right it can't be said enough. Children learn what they see and they deserve to learn about how to have a healthy relationship.
I'm so glad I found this board...I've re-read so many posts because they help and I need to remind myself everyday...somehow it's comforting and helping me get through this. it helps me with clarity on what is healthy and right.
.justagirl1971 it's true the guilt and regret can be crippling, so I can't focus on it. Easier said than done of course but I'm trying. I can only move forward.
I wish I had realized what my children were learning...and stopped it so much earlier.
Mspinkacres- you are right it can't be said enough. Children learn what they see and they deserve to learn about how to have a healthy relationship.
I'm so glad I found this board...I've re-read so many posts because they help and I need to remind myself everyday...somehow it's comforting and helping me get through this. it helps me with clarity on what is healthy and right.
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