Where do I start?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 2
Where do I start?
I found this site while looking for ways to help my husband and son. My husband and I have been married for 37 years. I am sober and never have had an addiction problem with alcohol or drugs - although I guess you could consider food as my drug of choice, I am overweight.
My husband has been a regular drinker from the time we met in high school. Although it was often, I didn't think it was a problem because we were young and it was the cool thing to do. It escalated over time, and a gambling addiction was added. He was also becoming a career student - he would start classes, but not do the work, so would take the class again. This went on for years, and he still hasn't completed enough credits to get a degree (at 56).
He is in denial - will admit that he drinks too much, but says he can quit any time he wants. From what I hear, this is common. He has quit for up to 2 months, but always ends up drinking again. He is a kind person, but has always had something else to do other than spend time with his family. Most nights I put our three kids to bed by myself, and attended school functions alone. They are all grown, married and have their own families now. I stayed in the marriage for them, which is the classic mistake to make for the well-being of everyone involved.
In November of last year, I moved in with one of our children because he wasn't willing to make any changes. I was continually covering for him (enabling him). He didn't have a job for 5 years and was content with me supporting him and his habits. When I moved out, I changed the deposit of my pay check to an account he couldn't access, and I continued to pay our bills. Within a month, he quit drinking and make a few other vital changes that were encouraging enough for me to move back home. I have been home 3.5 months, he's been drinking again for the last 2 months. Although he has secured a job, he's unhappy there and threatens to quit.
Although my husband hadn't been working, he managed our money. When I moved out, I was shocked to see how much debt we had. He always managed to pay all of our bills, and now I know how he did it. We were living on a line of credit for our house, credit cards, and he drew loans on vehicles that have been paid for for years. Both of our retirement funds were drained. I know it was my own fault for letting myself become detached from the finances - but I was tired of arguing with him about where it was going all the time.
A few weeks ago our daughter in law came to visit. She and I were sitting at the kitchen table talking recipes, and she started a conversation with me that completely had me lost. Our son had come to my husband almost a year ago and told him that he had an addiction problem. At that time it was prescription drugs (some of which he stole from my husbands supplies). My daughter in law informed me that is has escalated to heroin. I was heartbroken for her, our grandson and my son. At the same time I was furious with my husband. He never told me, and he never did anything to help our son when he was reaching out.
Since, I've reached out to our son, and offered to help him get into a program or to have him stay with us while he withdraws. Of course the house would be cleared of any substances that he might turn to. He won't agree to go. I'll be attending Al-Anon meetings, but other than that, I don't know what to do.
I feel used and betrayed by my husband - even though I realize he needs help too. I just don't know how to deal with all of this.
My husband has been a regular drinker from the time we met in high school. Although it was often, I didn't think it was a problem because we were young and it was the cool thing to do. It escalated over time, and a gambling addiction was added. He was also becoming a career student - he would start classes, but not do the work, so would take the class again. This went on for years, and he still hasn't completed enough credits to get a degree (at 56).
He is in denial - will admit that he drinks too much, but says he can quit any time he wants. From what I hear, this is common. He has quit for up to 2 months, but always ends up drinking again. He is a kind person, but has always had something else to do other than spend time with his family. Most nights I put our three kids to bed by myself, and attended school functions alone. They are all grown, married and have their own families now. I stayed in the marriage for them, which is the classic mistake to make for the well-being of everyone involved.
In November of last year, I moved in with one of our children because he wasn't willing to make any changes. I was continually covering for him (enabling him). He didn't have a job for 5 years and was content with me supporting him and his habits. When I moved out, I changed the deposit of my pay check to an account he couldn't access, and I continued to pay our bills. Within a month, he quit drinking and make a few other vital changes that were encouraging enough for me to move back home. I have been home 3.5 months, he's been drinking again for the last 2 months. Although he has secured a job, he's unhappy there and threatens to quit.
Although my husband hadn't been working, he managed our money. When I moved out, I was shocked to see how much debt we had. He always managed to pay all of our bills, and now I know how he did it. We were living on a line of credit for our house, credit cards, and he drew loans on vehicles that have been paid for for years. Both of our retirement funds were drained. I know it was my own fault for letting myself become detached from the finances - but I was tired of arguing with him about where it was going all the time.
A few weeks ago our daughter in law came to visit. She and I were sitting at the kitchen table talking recipes, and she started a conversation with me that completely had me lost. Our son had come to my husband almost a year ago and told him that he had an addiction problem. At that time it was prescription drugs (some of which he stole from my husbands supplies). My daughter in law informed me that is has escalated to heroin. I was heartbroken for her, our grandson and my son. At the same time I was furious with my husband. He never told me, and he never did anything to help our son when he was reaching out.
Since, I've reached out to our son, and offered to help him get into a program or to have him stay with us while he withdraws. Of course the house would be cleared of any substances that he might turn to. He won't agree to go. I'll be attending Al-Anon meetings, but other than that, I don't know what to do.
I feel used and betrayed by my husband - even though I realize he needs help too. I just don't know how to deal with all of this.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Wow! I'm so sorry for what brings you here. You can't help your husband's or son's recovery. Only your own. Al-alon is a great start.
We have a well-visited Friend and Family forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
We have a well-visited Friend and Family forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Welcome. I'm sorry for the pain your in, this disease affects so many more than the addict.
As Carl indicated Al Anon and the family forum on this site can be a mental health life saver IF we use it.
The part of this disease that's hard for the addict to grasp is we have to be honest with ourselves about our drinking and we need to be sober for ourselves.
Another thing is we can't get anyone sober or drunk as the person involved has to do the work involved and it's simple but usually not easy in the beginning however millions have done it.
BE WELL
As Carl indicated Al Anon and the family forum on this site can be a mental health life saver IF we use it.
The part of this disease that's hard for the addict to grasp is we have to be honest with ourselves about our drinking and we need to be sober for ourselves.
Another thing is we can't get anyone sober or drunk as the person involved has to do the work involved and it's simple but usually not easy in the beginning however millions have done it.
BE WELL
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