78ford

Hi there! We'll I joined as a user (wine as the drug of choice) several months ago. But did not quit drinking. If you will allow me- I have some questions for those far more experienced than me and also some thoughts for those less or still actively drinking. A tad of background: social drinker since 20s. Now I am 41. No family history of addictions of any kind that I know of. Educated, pretty, world traveled, self employed. Exercise queen. Great home and credit. Sound like I had a big dose of life and personal confidence? We'll it is because I sure did. Really had it together through my 20s and 30s. About 35 it became a bottle every nite. Then about 37 up to 2. By 38 I was gaining pant sizes. Hid my addiction and got married for the first time (his first time too, no kids, either of us. Blessing in disguise)---More weight came. Hiding from friends and gatherings. The word "progressive" took on new meaning. Once you down two bottles a night, you then black out and do not realize you actually drank three until you find the evidence in the morning. Then you feel so crappy you begin to drink to feel even remotely not so sick. And yes, I had already learned the switch to box wine at some point a few years ago. Being self employed - I work from home. WORKING FROM HOME IS DISASTROUS FOR AN ALCOHOLIC. When it was time to call on clients- (rare for me to have to go out in my job) I wore the only outfit that fit and I always apologized for my red face and eyes and puffy appearance and always said I had been very sick recently. I think they bought it? There are countless times I couldn't recall phone calls. And I drank and drove (albeit almost never once my drinking got so bad I rarely left the house). In the last year I have drank 4 bottles of wine a day and sometimes on a bender even 6. I didn't shower. I didn't clean myself as often unless I had to leave the house. I developed a disease called ascites where the middle belly is engorged and you basically look 9 months pregnant. I developed high blood pressure and rosacea and boarder line type 2 diabetes. I am saying this the new comers to this site because until a couple of years ago--- I too was a big time social drinker ---pretty, happy, social butterfly who was a runner and involved in all sorts of clubs and activities. The hell of progressive alcohol use somehow hits a point and really throws you over a cliff fast. To the wonderful folks who have been here longer ---- how in the HECK do you grasp accepting the "forever" mentality? Before my journey became progressive- I actually enjoyed drinking and liked having wine at home by the fire with a good book! It seems like I got smacked with a shovel and deteriorated to a bottomless pit so so fast.?. Can I ever go back to normal? Or no way?? My doctor put me on a Librium taper and I have not drank in 5 days. Now all I seem to do is EAT nonstop. I feel almost as sick eating as I did drinking. Until I was late 30s I felt like the happiest luckiest person in so many ways. Now I feel like just a big ugly fat loser who cannot climb out of this pit. I do not wish this hell on anyone. I wonder when I will feel better? When my hair will grow back. I have gone on walks each day. And the biggest hardest pill to swallow if I may please ask you to help me understand..... How in the heck do I never ever ever drink again? I am totally committed to 30-60-90 days. I have hired a trainer and am beginning an organic cleanse on Saturday with my dear husband (he is barely even a social drinker). I just feel overwhelmed. The only good news is that I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I do not miss drinking at all right now. I just had no idea the FOOD overheating would be so severe. Please accept my apology for this terribly long post, I am sorry. And for you younger and newer or drinkers of less amounts - I warn you it at some point can grab you like a rattlesnake and then you could end up in my boat. Humiliated, exhausted, fat, lethargic, defeated and just plain horrified and what you have become vs how wonderful you were before. I Pray for every person and thank you for your time and listening. I have never said these words to anyone. (Ps tried a few aa meetings and felt so uncomfortable....). Finally -- thank you again and I wonder if there is anyone who can relate to how bad it got for me? And if you have any advice. Hugs and God Bless. headbanger is how I have felt for over a year!!! And is what I say to you all.

Nonsensical

Welcome to Sober Recovery (13 months late!)

Let me answer your question with a question:
After all the Hell that alcohol has put you through, why do you believe the thought of living without it is so terrifying to you?

zombiegirl

I cannot drink as I cannot stop.
I'm a better person not drinking. Take each day as it comes otherwise it may feel too overwhelming for u.
Good luck my darling and we are all here for u xxx

Fandy

welcome 78ford....i was very similar to you, i would drink 8-10 large glasses of wine a night.

you WILL begin to feel better and less depressed about your looks, just take it day by day, whatever works for you to not drink, the trainer, the help from your spouse who is sticking by you and your doctor, do it.

Post, read, participate and vent here. if you feel the urge to drink, post here, go for a walk, clean the toilets, the cravings will pass. Your hair will grow back (mine was coming out by the handfuls in the shower drain). Take a good multi and ask your trainer about Iron (chelated) and biotin. I use dissicated beef liver supplements.

you might be craving sugar, because the wine was feeding it to you. Go for some good fruit and maybe chocolate if you want it. Your body will balance out and your muscles have memory. Be patient and congrats on your 5 days, we have ALL been there.

FreeOwl

last time around, I spent a lot of inner time quietly wondering how the hell I could think about FORVER... not drinking FOREVER....

This time around I find myself thinking about all the wonderful ways that living my life sober for the rest of my life will be incredibly rewarding. Not just to me, but to my family and to the world around me.

A subtle but massive shift in perspective that I hold onto and keep my focus on daily.

NJKitty

That word 'never' was stumbling block for me too. After time I would forget just how awful I would feel and how embarrassing my antics were. But this time I have made a list of those episodes and went into it knowing from the beginning that I would 'never' drink again. I come here and read every day which reminds me to never go back. Stick to your plan and read here. You will see that your story is told over and over again.

78ford

Ahhhhh- you are right and I do KNOW that to be a fact. My answer is this. When you go about 18 years being one of those who does NOT have "that question in your head" .... You truly wish you could go back to being that "normal person who doesn't have that question in their head". And you (me) really wish it to go back back like a magic fairy wand.

78ford

Answered in another spot cause don't know how to use the radio buttons/icons

KateL

Welcome. Yeah, I used to buy those boxes ewwww! xxxxxx

78ford

Btw I LOVE loVE your pretty little baby bear!!!!!!

Nonsensical

I once feared the thought of never drinking again. I feared it because I am addicted to alcohol, and the addiction compelled me to drink - even when I knew it was wrecking my life. The addiction compelled me by making me believe that I needed alcohol to be happy.

It was a big fat lie.

True happiness comes from being free of that compulsion to drink.

You can get there. Don't fear it. Embrace it. Stay sober day by day until one day freedom wraps itself around you like a down comforter.

You can do this.

ImperfectlyMe

I was a very normal drinker for a very long time and then life happened and I was no longer "normal" I was a problematic drinker. And I wasn't drinking that wine it was drinking me. What was once fun and made me feel free and beautiful was making me ugly inside and out and worse a prisoner.

A very good friend here uses the Santa clause analogy and I find it so fitting. Now that you know you have a problem with drinking you can never ever really go back to not knowing.

Welcome to the crew very glad to have you!

Blaizze

Forever is a really long time. Just keep going one day at a time. Promise yourself every morning that you won't drink today, and go from there. If you never drink again, so be it; and if you drink again so be it as well. Its your decision. But for now focus on one day at a time, and maybe eventually you won't think forever is all that hard.

Aarryckha

I'm still pretty new to this but I just know I don't want things in my life to be the way they have been. I'm better than that.

Holli

Hi 78, congrats on 5 days!!

freshstart57

You get to frame this in your mind the way you choose to, so why not choose an outlook that points to your success? These two ideas follow from the same fact, the fact of lifetime sobriety (that is what you want, right?).

Idea 1 is the voice of your addiction wailing away. Never drink again? But what about all those remembered fantasies of carefree pleasure? How can you never do that again? This idea is pointing you at drinking again because that is what it does. And continuing to drink will take you to only one place, a place of misery, depression, anxiety, the hell on earth that only an alcoholic knows.

Idea 2, on the other hand, is your brain doing what it does best, leading you to survival. It tells you that you most certainly can decide to lose the alcohol and start to repair your poisoned body. You never need to feel this physical sickness, the mental anguish, the psychological despair you feel as a drinker. Never. Ahead of you now is a better life, a free existence, with inner peace and self respect and even a little happiness.

Which idea do you think is a better one? Which life is the one you deserve? Are you ready to make your plan now about continuing (this means ever) to use alcohol?

topspin

78ford

Congrats on the decision !!



I see all kinds of silver linings in your post.

Self employment (or in my case, ..what became a lot of self unemployment ) can be devasting, and eventually very dangerous for somebody who drank like me.

You must have been very, very motivated to create a start-up.
........that quality is gonna be valuable now, imho

Please don't sweat the food thing today. Today, tommorrow, your body is jumping for joy you're loading up with water instead of litres of sugary sh*t.

Leaves a lot of room for whatever you think has some good nutrients, instead of flushing them away. In a few weeks you'll be loving the way your clothes feel.

If ya do like I did, and go overboard clothes shopping , .....just leave the dang tags on some (and keep the reciepts ! ) , cause you'll be right back there 60 days later exchanging slacks for something smaller.

Your sports/activities background will come in handy, after a while. Having stuff to get back involved with the loads of newly discovered free time. Time not blown recovering from hangovers/ .......and the hours it takes to drink 15-20 bottles a week.

I tried to start kind of slow (for me ) .......injury is the last thing in the world I wanted to deal with. More than a few people here have gotten injured , ..but still make it thru without drinking anyway.

I was wondering, .....if it's taken several years to get where you are, how did you come up with the idea of committing to 30-60-90 ?

Anyway, thanks for the post, and welcome to SR !!!!!!

SeaScape

Hi there
Welcome. I started to not feel well physically and mentally and that really changed how I feel about drinking. It was really screwing me up. I think about that now when I want to drink...things can only improve if you abstain. Give yourself time to heal and get back to good health You deserve it!

SoberLeigh

Hi 78ford and welcome back.

Try to focus only on sobriety for a while ; it truly is a huge endeavor. You can worry about and address the other stuff when you have gained more sober time. One day at a time; you didn't get here overnight. Be gentle with yourself by not putting too much on your plate at this time.

We are here for you.

Lance40

This may be a little too hippy or New-Age for you, but the only space you have life and breath is the present moment you are living right now. All you have to do is just not have a drink right now in this present moment.

Living in the now is a skill set that most of us don't have, so it translates into being alcohol free today. When that seems too much all you have to do is be alcohol free just for this hour and if that gets too much then just for this minute. Many of us, including myself, share the overwhelming feeling at looking at a lifetime of never drinking again.

For me that concept of living in the now often translates to being alcohol free for "just the next 5 blocks" and sometimes even "1 block at a time" as I walk home from work when the cravings are strongest and I pass by a few places where I could buy alcohol. At its worst it's "1 step at a time" as I look down and count my footsteps as the feelings of self-pity want to wash over me - but I eventually get home and so far have been victorious - 1 step at a time.