How would you handle this?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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How would you handle this?
I need some advice.
I am pretty sure my AS stole $60 from me yesterday but am not sure. The reason I am not sure is because I had $140 in a pencil holder cup (I think). Usually when he stops at my house, I hide all money/valuables....just in case. I forgot I had that money in there. Also, at times, I forget and put money somewhere but find it later. BUT, I'm pretty sure that didn't happen this time. The money is for my husband to take to the bank. He asked me if I needed any of the $80 that was in the cup this a.m. I said "$80, there should be $140?"
I looked everywhere that I would normally put it if not in that cup. The thing that bugs me is that I can't remember putting the $140 in the cup for sure. I usually have a routine but got out of my routine for handling this money as I stopped to talk to someone so can't remember for the life of me BUT I never just take part of the money and put it somewhere and leave the rest out in the open. No other person was in the house besides my son and myself. He was just here for two brief periods during the day.
There was a point I left the room with him in it alone but I didn't remember having left the money there. I do home daycare and I get paid on Monday. One toddler was absent on Mon. and paid on Tues. so my mind wasn't thinking "This is Mon. (cause it was Tues.) and that money is in the cup." I've looked everywhere. I think he had to have taken it.
I kind of don't want to accuse him but now that I think upon the time he was here there were some fishy things and he was near the cup. I even remember asking him "Is something wrong?" cause he had an iffy look on his face.
If he took it, it will be the time in my life that he will not be allowed in my house again. He can drop off my granddaughter or invite me to his house but he won't step foot in my house again. Very occasionally, I let him borrow my car but won't do that either. I only do this because it benefits my granddaughter but he and her mom will have to figure out how she will get to art lessons. I am retiring soon so I can take her myself.
So how would you handle this? So far, I haven't said anything to him. I really wish I was positive that I put it there. My thought is that if I would have put it elsewhere I would have put the whole amount there and not just part of it. He probably took just some thinking I might not remember how much was in there but I do. I wrote a receipt out to the mom for it. Had it not been daycare money, I might not have known how much was there.
Thanks, Kari
P.S. Yea it is dumb letting him use my car so no use yelling at me for that, lol. He is a binge user and I can tell when he is high now. Still, I even think it is dumb but that is another thread.
I am pretty sure my AS stole $60 from me yesterday but am not sure. The reason I am not sure is because I had $140 in a pencil holder cup (I think). Usually when he stops at my house, I hide all money/valuables....just in case. I forgot I had that money in there. Also, at times, I forget and put money somewhere but find it later. BUT, I'm pretty sure that didn't happen this time. The money is for my husband to take to the bank. He asked me if I needed any of the $80 that was in the cup this a.m. I said "$80, there should be $140?"
I looked everywhere that I would normally put it if not in that cup. The thing that bugs me is that I can't remember putting the $140 in the cup for sure. I usually have a routine but got out of my routine for handling this money as I stopped to talk to someone so can't remember for the life of me BUT I never just take part of the money and put it somewhere and leave the rest out in the open. No other person was in the house besides my son and myself. He was just here for two brief periods during the day.
There was a point I left the room with him in it alone but I didn't remember having left the money there. I do home daycare and I get paid on Monday. One toddler was absent on Mon. and paid on Tues. so my mind wasn't thinking "This is Mon. (cause it was Tues.) and that money is in the cup." I've looked everywhere. I think he had to have taken it.
I kind of don't want to accuse him but now that I think upon the time he was here there were some fishy things and he was near the cup. I even remember asking him "Is something wrong?" cause he had an iffy look on his face.
If he took it, it will be the time in my life that he will not be allowed in my house again. He can drop off my granddaughter or invite me to his house but he won't step foot in my house again. Very occasionally, I let him borrow my car but won't do that either. I only do this because it benefits my granddaughter but he and her mom will have to figure out how she will get to art lessons. I am retiring soon so I can take her myself.
So how would you handle this? So far, I haven't said anything to him. I really wish I was positive that I put it there. My thought is that if I would have put it elsewhere I would have put the whole amount there and not just part of it. He probably took just some thinking I might not remember how much was in there but I do. I wrote a receipt out to the mom for it. Had it not been daycare money, I might not have known how much was there.
Thanks, Kari
P.S. Yea it is dumb letting him use my car so no use yelling at me for that, lol. He is a binge user and I can tell when he is high now. Still, I even think it is dumb but that is another thread.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
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I've tried to rationalize away my addict's actions, too. Always turning it on myself and trying to make it MY fault something isn't where it should be.
Personally, I think it's our way of not wanting to face the real truth and believing our children would steal from us. If it looks like a duck...
I've never confronted my daughter over the things she's taken from me (including my original wedding set, debit card, laptop)...I was a coward, and this was early on...I didn't want to add to her shame and guilt, I suppose. BUT...she knows I know and she also knows that's partly why she's not allowed to live here.
Stating that you've decided he should probably not come in the house - especially since you run a daycare - for the children's sake and his - might suffice, since you have no solid proof. If he did take it, he'll get the point.
Personally, I think it's our way of not wanting to face the real truth and believing our children would steal from us. If it looks like a duck...
I've never confronted my daughter over the things she's taken from me (including my original wedding set, debit card, laptop)...I was a coward, and this was early on...I didn't want to add to her shame and guilt, I suppose. BUT...she knows I know and she also knows that's partly why she's not allowed to live here.
Stating that you've decided he should probably not come in the house - especially since you run a daycare - for the children's sake and his - might suffice, since you have no solid proof. If he did take it, he'll get the point.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
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Hi KS -your post triggered a lot in me. It so stinks to be suspicious and then question our own sanity. My son is an addict in recovery and it has only been a short time since I stopped hiding my money. I have found it does no good to confront him, especially if I am iffy on it. They are just to good at lying and manipulation and I can't allow myself into that whole game playing anymore. I would trust my instincts on it though. You are not the addict, he is, so you are probably correct. Maybe a simple 'money went missing while you were here and I can't tolerate it'? 'If you want to be allowed here it can't ever happen again'? Then refuse to engage/listen to the song and dance? I have had to say 'end of discussion' many times when my RAS wants to go there. I really don't know how you should handle it as each of our situations are so complex and only we know what may be of use. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, the event resonates with me.
Another aspect of your post that really triggered me is allowing him things for the sake of your granddaughter. That was a trap of my own making that enabled my son for a long time. No more. And that is a real hard boundary for me to keep. But I am doing it despite pressure from both her and him. My car is mine. Period.
Good luck and I hope you are taking care of you. It's the best thing we can do in the arena of addiction.
Another aspect of your post that really triggered me is allowing him things for the sake of your granddaughter. That was a trap of my own making that enabled my son for a long time. No more. And that is a real hard boundary for me to keep. But I am doing it despite pressure from both her and him. My car is mine. Period.
Good luck and I hope you are taking care of you. It's the best thing we can do in the arena of addiction.
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Originally Posted by Lovenjoy 
Hi KS -your post triggered a lot in me. It so stinks to be suspicious and then question our own sanity. My son is an addict in recovery and it has only been a short time since I stopped hiding my money. I have found it does no good to confront him, especially if I am iffy on it. They are just to good at lying and manipulation and I can't allow myself into that whole game playing anymore. I would trust my instincts on it though. You are not the addict, he is, so you are probably correct. Maybe a simple 'money went missing while you were here and I can't tolerate it'? 'If you want to be allowed here it can't ever happen again'? Then refuse to engage/listen to the song and dance? I have had to say 'end of discussion' many times when my RAS wants to go there. I really don't know how you should handle it as each of our situations are so complex and only we know what may be of use. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, the event resonates with me.
Another aspect of your post that really triggered me is allowing him things for the sake of your granddaughter. That was a trap of my own making that enabled my son for a long time. No more. And that is a real hard boundary for me to keep. But I am doing it despite pressure from both her and him. My car is mine. Period.
Good luck and I hope you are taking care of you. It's the best thing we can do in the arena of addiction.
Another aspect of your post that really triggered me is allowing him things for the sake of your granddaughter. That was a trap of my own making that enabled my son for a long time. No more. And that is a real hard boundary for me to keep. But I am doing it despite pressure from both her and him. My car is mine. Period.
Good luck and I hope you are taking care of you. It's the best thing we can do in the arena of addiction.
In my case though, I would just say "Money was missing while you were here. I can't let you in the house again." We have a long history and I've given him way too many chances already.
I guess I was just so hopeful cause he is now going to counseling although not for that long. Who knows, maybe that is a ruse too? I don't think so but....
Kari
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Originally Posted by YouWillBe
I've tried to rationalize away my addict's actions, too. Always turning it on myself and trying to make it MY fault something isn't where it should be.
Personally, I think it's our way of not wanting to face the real truth and believing our children would steal from us. If it looks like a duck...
I've never confronted my daughter over the things she's taken from me (including my original wedding set, debit card, laptop)...I was a coward, and this was early on...I didn't want to add to her shame and guilt, I suppose. BUT...she knows I know and she also knows that's partly why she's not allowed to live here.
Stating that you've decided he should probably not come in the house - especially since you run a daycare - for the children's sake and his - might suffice, since you have no solid proof. If he did take it, he'll get the point.
Personally, I think it's our way of not wanting to face the real truth and believing our children would steal from us. If it looks like a duck...
I've never confronted my daughter over the things she's taken from me (including my original wedding set, debit card, laptop)...I was a coward, and this was early on...I didn't want to add to her shame and guilt, I suppose. BUT...she knows I know and she also knows that's partly why she's not allowed to live here.
Stating that you've decided he should probably not come in the house - especially since you run a daycare - for the children's sake and his - might suffice, since you have no solid proof. If he did take it, he'll get the point.
I sure do hate all this.
Kari
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Originally Posted by YouWillBe
Lovenjoy - I am thankful EVERY MINUTE that I don't have a grand in this mess. Could. Not. Take. It.
I can't even imagine how a gramma deals with that form of manipulation and guilt...
I can't even imagine how a gramma deals with that form of manipulation and guilt...
Kari
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I reached the point, with my son, that I could no longer let him in my house for any reason. It's sad but he stole too many times. And times like yours when I couldn't prove it but I KNEW he took it.
The last time he came to check for some laundry in the basement, he seemed clean and he maybe was so I let him go down to look. He had his backpack to put it in when he left. After he left I felt a "chill" and went to look and sure enough he stole a smaller portable TV that my husband used when he traveled on construction and took it out in his backpack.
Once I knew that he would steal from us, even when he appeared clean, he was no longer allowed in my home.
Protect yourself and your home, KariSue, no need to feel guilty, he did this to himself. I will never live in fear of anyone in my home stealing from me again.
Hugs
The last time he came to check for some laundry in the basement, he seemed clean and he maybe was so I let him go down to look. He had his backpack to put it in when he left. After he left I felt a "chill" and went to look and sure enough he stole a smaller portable TV that my husband used when he traveled on construction and took it out in his backpack.
Once I knew that he would steal from us, even when he appeared clean, he was no longer allowed in my home.
Protect yourself and your home, KariSue, no need to feel guilty, he did this to himself. I will never live in fear of anyone in my home stealing from me again.
Hugs
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"Money is missing. I don't know if you took it or not, and I'm not accusing or asking, either. But I realize I'm not ready to trust you again, not this soon, so it's better for both of us that you don't come here until I am."
I said that to my RAD a few years ago and we got past it. She watches our house now when we're out of town. It was my experience that her reactions to issues like that, showed me where she was. I've seen ugliness and I've seen humility.
I said that to my RAD a few years ago and we got past it. She watches our house now when we're out of town. It was my experience that her reactions to issues like that, showed me where she was. I've seen ugliness and I've seen humility.
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Kari Sue, your instincts are right. If you stand your boundaries, your son MAY get the message. If its business as usual with allowing them out of the corner they put themselves, in... We all know that nothing changes. Also, no need to prove anything. How Chino is suggesting you word it works just fine.
Hugs,
Teresa
Hugs,
Teresa
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If I have to worry about whether or not someone will steal from me in my home, then they are not welcome here. It's basically the same boundary, only this time I'm no longer waiting for someone to rob me before I set it. I don't know when I'll be ready to have my sister back in my house, but right now I'm still worried so it's not time yet.
I trust that recovery looks like recovery the same way addiction looks like addiction. I think once I see some long term recovery it will be easier for trust to follow. I haven't seen that yet.
I trust that recovery looks like recovery the same way addiction looks like addiction. I think once I see some long term recovery it will be easier for trust to follow. I haven't seen that yet.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
and might i suggest a different more secure stash spot than the pencil cup???? 
Kari
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Originally Posted by Chino
"Money is missing. I don't know if you took it or not, and I'm not accusing or asking, either. But I realize I'm not ready to trust you again, not this soon, so it's better for both of us that you don't come here until I am."
I said that to my RAD a few years ago and we got past it. She watches our house now when we're out of town. It was my experience that her reactions to issues like that, showed me where she was. I've seen ugliness and I've seen humility.
I said that to my RAD a few years ago and we got past it. She watches our house now when we're out of town. It was my experience that her reactions to issues like that, showed me where she was. I've seen ugliness and I've seen humility.
Thanks so much!
Kari
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Update: I talked to my son's ex wife on another matter and now I have no doubt. He confided in her that he was really broke so asked her to tell me that she owed the art school $20. She refused but he did try to get me to give him $20 for that. I didn't go into all the details in my first post.
Wow.
Kari
Wow.
Kari
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I know you have the drill down pat; understand all the behaviors that go along with this... but I know it still hurts & is just plain disappointing. It makes me smile knowing you and his ex wife have a good relationship; Im so glad the kids are in your life.
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Originally Posted by allforcnm
I know you have the drill down pat; understand all the behaviors that go along with this... but I know it still hurts & is just plain disappointing. It makes me smile knowing you and his ex wife have a good relationship; Im so glad the kids are in your life.
Now I'm gonnna call him today and let him know he can't use my car or come into my house. He is welcome to drop off the grandchildren or for holidays we can go to his apartment.
Before talking to his ex there was a slight doubt (but not really) but after talking to her at least I know for sure.
Kari
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Originally Posted by allforcnm
" A no problem girls night out " -- excellent. What is that line "we get by with a little help from our friends"
I was thinking about you, hoping the conversation went as well as possible.
I was thinking about you, hoping the conversation went as well as possible.
Oh well....
Kari
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