innerhatred

Slowly but surely since my early 20's drug use has come around more and more. Now it's straight into the mainline, it's funny the things you see on TV when you're a kid and the thoughts you have. Those thoughts at that time would show no link to your current head space or battle.


I have no sobriety what I do have are questions. I've found my motivation my entire life has been on the low. its at the worst I've felt the last two years and by all intents and purposes I don't appear unmotivated for anything.

A doctor told my parents when I was younger that I displayed traits of a "socio-path". Around age 7 I would hurt my peers and teachers from time to time, especially if they accused me of something wrongfully. I always remember it coming back to and looking at the teacher at 7 years old she's fuming mad and demanding an apology and I would tell that I wont say it because I don't mean it.

When I got into my 20's that's when the fun began, slowly but surely I became less and less attached to a fake emotional state I had created for myself and my use steadily went up. The amount of pain and suffering I caused people around me wasn't huge but it was there which is what usually follows me when I'm sober.Somewhere in this 8 year period I saw a therapist who got a hold of my file from when I was younger, sure enough I was still according to him "presenting" for those of you who don't know, this doesn't go away it's not a sickness or a choice and it has a range like anything else and each person fits on a that range and has some defining. If you met me you'd think I'm pretty normal, until a few months went by or a year then you'd have some concerns that would probably keep you at a distance. Continuing on. Made it quite awhile and I was doing well for myself. Then I met a lady I have never felt so emotionally attached to before in my life, which I must say I'm not even sure if I'm using that word right to describe it since I'm not equipped for proper emotional connection. Who well for lack of a better word triggered everything in my being that I use to wreak havoc on the world. All of my energy went into some twisted relationship with her that ended in me introducing her to addiction.

I don't feel anything towards this, yet I'm at war inside about what to do.
I want to be sober so I can move on with myself but I don't know to where
If I don't value people emotions then how can I succeed?
Will power isn't enough or even close, I have none. I feel powerless to some things yet other things I have a total grasp on.
I don't know what to do, be sober and run into another version of my previous lady and go downhill with her. I hope not because I could be doing a lot of other things than going down a dark road with someone.
Just keep using and let nature takes its course?

I don't know. I feel a lot of things during my days. None of it intensely and some of it not at all. Looking around and thinking I'm outdated about 1500 years.
I guess I just need guidance on how to help myself and not hurt every one around me like I usually do. If you know someone like me or you have dealt with these kinds of characteristic I'd like to hear what you have to say because I am at a cross roads.

I'm not even sure what I'm saying, I've gone to a few meetings, I've been clean for months at a time. I can admit I'm an addict, but I don't ever feel like making a human connection unless I have a passing thought something that person has then it becomes dangerous for me. Even this which isn't remotely close to human interaction makes me feel hallow. I feel nothing most days that I'm sober and I feel some things when I'm using. I don't know what to do with myself,or even how to get there and I don't mean in terms of how to battle addiction, I mean in general. Total loss of drive

If no drive and no use, then what happens? I do what dog that has too much energy and not enough training does when mom and dad are gone for the weekend. I wreck my surroundings.

Sober = Isolated and dangerous
Using = Less isolation, I feel slightly more emotions and I'm not harmful except to myself.

I am defeated by life, not a good place for me to be. Won't be long before I start causing damage again.
I stopped using today, maybe this time will be different and I will be sober and have the proper function to less negatively effect my life.

My post is convoluted because I am convoluted

Thats it.

toddle118

Dear Innerhatred

My bf is a sociopath, many of the elements you describe he presents with. He is very ambitious and highly successful in his career, I suppose he uses work to focus his thoughts, if not Im sure he'd be using. You use drugs/drink to try and feel something, I suppose he uses his career to feel 'important' and worthwhile, as the world to him apart from that is generally meaningless.

Im guessing youre highly intelligent? Most are, although I dont like to pigeon hole, of course everyone is different. I see he feels lonely often.
He can be incredibly controlling and violent at times, and always has to be in control. He has no interest in his family, when he sees his kids, who I know he loves, he still appears somewhat indifferent.

As to what advice I can give Im not sure, is there anything at all you are interested in in the outside world? It seems you have retracted into yourself, which I agree is dangerous...I do feel for you, its not a nice place to be, but Im sure there is a way round it without drugs, will have a think x

KateL

My ex was also a sociopath and I have done so much reading about it. People are often misled and believe that a sociopath is happy, but that's not always the case. I hope you can get some help soon. It's good that you've posted here though. xxxxx

innerhatred

I'm not happy that's for sure. It's just so much easier to accept myself when I'm using, it's not a matter of forgiveness or anything it's just a chemical change

I used to do things, I still find lots of stuff enjoyable. I just don't do it. Anyone I know has moved on.

I'm glad people understand that it's not a cookie cutter disorder, I do not sit in a room with my cloak on at the local tavern.... I also do not eat babies for breakfast. What I do however is radiate emotional turmoil to everyone around me with impunity and I need to manage that without using. It's funny I do have some people in my life who I do talk to and they don't believe me for one second that I could be using that bad, and this one girl i've known for 5 years was challenging me on it trying to say it couldn't be. I showed her the marks on my arms and she said well atleast you haven't manipulated and hurt me and I thought well I've done it few times. I looked at her and said why would I want to hurt something I want or desire, its easier to hurt your boyfriend.

That's what I find I'm encountering within my own group of people disbelief shock and abandonment from them. Shouldn't of expect any less.

So here I am in the big fish pond. Hopefully someone here has some insight to unify my thoughts

KateL

Just keep posting. This is a world-wide site and many people are asleep etc. Hopefully someone can Identify with your problems. I hope so anyway. And you're right, the disorder varies tremendously. I like the bit about the cloak in the tavern xxxx

toddle118

Can I ask out of interest why you hurt and manipulate people? I know its part of the disorder, my bf does it to me all the time. Do you feel like youre constantly trying to be normal like everyone else? I know he does. I know hes not happy either.

Have you read up on sociopathy? It may provide some insight, although Im sure you have...what do you do when youre not using?

innerhatred

I'm usually working but I had the opportunity to take sometime off and get a handle on this before it wrecked my ability to exist. I haven't hit the bottom but it's near, I can see it and I don't want it.
I'm a fan of tennis, running, exercise related stuff mostly. Just can't seem to get the drive for it anymore... Maybe I should dye my hair and get motorbike?

As far as hurting people goes, first and foremost. If I or someone I care about is threatened or I feel they will be threatened, I usually respond in a manner 10x worse than the instigating act. I'm not even subtle about it. Ive compromised peoples computers and threatened their marraiges, I've gone into someones home and told them just enough to scare them into never ever coming by my friends and family ever again. I'm not a violent person at all, I will gladly lose a physical confrontation to put someone in jail or to add weight to an impending encounter. Friends and family are where I can get myself into real trouble.
Here's a simple one I goto church so I have someone to drive me around when my car is in the shop or I have a flat. Lots of people willing to give time and energy.

On the extreme is below
This gentlemen I knew in school, he was pretty cool, except he was on the opposite side of the coin as me. Total empath, me not so much so he knew right away I was off, but he thought I was off because I wanted to compete with grades for him, I think maybe he had an insecurity of some sort about it. I have them too just not on the surface. So the longer and longer we are in contact the more and more he has to show off and be little me infront of our peers about how he's the man. I would rather work with the group than compete with it, simple logic for success. Sociopath or not I'm not helpless always and if forced into group mentality I can do it with work.


He used to refer to me as "gay" locker room type stuff, so I made a joke about being with his wife response, went back and forth for a little bit all in humor. One night he calls and gives me crap for it so I said stop calling me gay and he said okay. So a few more months goes by and we finish our last exams and he says well buddy i finally beat you at something and I said yup you sure did studied every night for four months after school and got 1% more than me, I don't gloat. Ever, I am not in school or anywhere to show off and prove myself. Everytime I've done that in my past it's bit me in the butt

Anyways I said, I didn't have time to study that 1% extra because I was with his wife the night before, three weeks earlier he said i was gay in passing as a joke he thought, but jokingly or not he broke his promise so I did what I always do is react in a manner 10x worse than the situation warrants.
In this case he gets hurt his wife all of our classmates who hear about it. I end up hurting my gf at the time because it's obvious I don't care about her.


With regards to active hurting it's not as common as the hurt people feel from me just not caring or not showing any sort of emotional response to them. I could tell you I'm sorry and be as sincere as I am capable of and you will know that it isn't so and if you're extra in tuned you'll eventually get mad and call me a liar. Maybe saying sorry without being sorry is lying. That association is up to the people who desire that feedback.
False emotion and insincerity is damaging enough in it's own right. I do that naturally.
There's a lot of stuff that down right sucks about it, there's some stuff that I wouldn't change for the world. I'd pick substance abuse any day over this, but I have both so. I don't have any answers. I wonder if strength can be drawn from things other than people?



That's it in a nutshell

innerhatred

With regards to substance abuse, before when I did it was a compulsion the initiation was a craving or a desire or whatever at the moment. My whole life I've watched myself say and do things that I have no good reason or answer for, same thing with using. I have no real good reason for doing it before I realized how it effected my emotional patterns. I could watch myself in third person completely detached initiate the cycle. Same thing with acting in ways that would be what was good for me but not good for others, total auto pilot. Its hard to take "responsibility" for anything if you don't have the capacity for it in most situations and a small glimmer in others.

innerhatred

I'm powering this thread on my own it appears, does anyone know any facility or any kind of treatment method that can handle someone like me?

toddle118

Wow, I can sort of understand now how you see things...you seem quite methodical and logical when it comes to hurting people or getting your own back, whereas most people would just throw a punch you seem to go to extremes, same as him, can see many parallels between the two of you.

With regards to get out of this situation youre in, first you have to stop using, completely, its ******* with your head, which is already a bit off kilter (excuse that term, cant think of another one). Once thats done, this is going to sound cheezy, are there any forums or support groups for sociopaths, or people with similar issues you could access? I know it goes against the grain and probably your thinking to sit and chat to people you dont know, but it may help to process your thoughts with like minded people and recognise traits you each have and how other people have dealt with them.

Seems you have come to a crossroads, you either change now, or die from getting high. Life is bloody tough, I know, my troubles are years of alcohol abuse to hide pain in my life, and Im only just trying to face them. Even now if someone came in with a bottle of wine I would be tempted, so I stay away from situations. Yeah its boring, and I drive myself mad thinking and analyzing everything. But your problem is different to mine. Im sure you could get out of this mindset but perhaps you need to do more research into how to do so.

Overall, as hard as it is, and as miserable as you will feel, you have to get clean, for good. But Im sure you know that, am just telling you how to suck eggs I spose.

innerhatred

It's a start and I have to take it somewhere, I figured here on the internet is the least harmful place for me to be screaming about it than into the ears of people who could potentially be victimised by me. Atleast here I can spit the truth out about my brain, I go to an NA meeting and talk and I look around and try to guess who knows I'm lying. None of what you say is cheesy. Although I wonder what a group of me would talk about for support lol.

Sparkos

I really wish I could offer you some practical advice, I really do. All I can do is offer you support and believe me I am reading your posts. Where there is something that falls within an area I believe I can help I WILL. Keep posting though as was said earlier this is a worldwide forum where different time zones kick in 24/7.
I hope you find a path to happiness and peace.

toddle118

Hmm, yeah I guess a group of you all together may be a bit difficult lol. Do you read redditt? You could do an IAMA, and write what youve written there, replies are usually pretty good, and plenty of quirky people with all sorts of issues but its lighter and has a humorous side to it.

NA helps with one issue, but your main one is your personality issue. There are pretty cool people on there, loads of like minded people like you, my bf goes on it religiously. If nothing else, it may help, and they may know more about support groups as I guess youre in the states?

innerhatred

Hey thanks, I know using convolutes everything and makes everything more difficult. That's one thing I think I can control, the other stuff right now I believe I'm its hostage so I'll just keep posting and talking and what not until I dunno maybe I feel like I can face the world with this one.

toddle118

Just keep chatting, people are reading your thread, even talking it through helps, i come on here because no one judges and we're all in the same boat, its good to talk and know youre not alone

toddle118

plus the people on here are really kind and supportive

innerhatred

I can see that, much easier than I thought to get a lot of that stuff out.

toddle118

Simply just writing it down is therapeutic, I find anyway...to let it out in whatever form possible

least

Welcome to SR from a fellow Buckeye. Is counseling an option for you? Sounds like you have a lot of issues that need to be resolved. I hope you can find some peace in your life.

Dee74

Hi Innerhatred - welcome

I think the term sociopath covers a multitude of meanings.

I'm not a sociopath but I can identify with isolation and trouble empathising with people, particularly when I was in active addiction. Addiction is one of the most self indulgent relationships you can have.

I can also relate to over responding to events, hurting and manipulating people and sabotaging relationships.

Addiction can really screw with your worldview and your self-image.

I can definitely identify with self hatred and being brutal on myself.

I really think recovery (abstinence plus a little self work - some counselling is an excellent suggestion) will help you make some sense of most, if not all of these issues.

D