LisaMaria

Hello all, I'm new here. My 48 yet old brother is addicted to crack and has been for years. I've told him on several occasions I want him in my life but if he only wants money or a roof over his head he shouldn't call me. He knows I've been through this with my ex ( finally divorced him after 15 years) and I just don't need the BS. I've remarried and am doing quite well and he knows it. He has even called my hubby and showed up at his job looking for money. I'll be honest , we have given him small amounts of $$ from time to time but for the most part he keeps his distance from the whole family. Anyways he text me this past Sunday saying he checked himself into treatment again (6th time in 20 years) and that this time no one is pushing him. He then asked for money. He sent this text to my mother, sister, brother and myself. We all got together over text and we are all do sick of it. My brother is tired of him not taking care of himself and just coming around when he wants something. My sister is hurt that he is not more involved with our family and our poor mother is just beside herself. Me, well like I said I've been through this before and know the game of an addict. However I'm struggling...I plan on seeing him this Sunday, I know the money thing is going to come up....if I give him some he will just ask for more when he gets out. It's a never ending cycle. I want to support him but I have my doubts. Advice please.

cynical one

All he NEEDS in rehab is food & basic hygiene's, the center will provide that. Put money in his pocket, and that gives him a reason to leave and score.

allforcnm

LisaMaria,

My husband was in rehab a while back so what Im sharing is just based on my experience. Its sounds like your whole family has been through a lot, given a lot… at this point I think the decision of what more to give is really a personal decision, based on your own, or overall family boundaries.

If you are going to visit this weekend, my suggestion would be to call ahead and try to talk to his doctor; get some insight on how his treatment is going, explain about his asking for money and ask if patients can purchase items there like snacks, clothing, etc. – things approved by the rehab. I would make the decision based on this info. A small amount might be appropriate, large sums would draw more suspicion perhaps. All rehabs are different so I won’t presume to know what this one offers. Some are bare bones, other offer more amenities. Personal choice… My husband was able to buy things and I had no issue with it, but our past history was also different than yours.

If possible before his treatment ends; it might be beneficial to have a family meeting with help of his doctor & clarify what the family role will be in all this; just to make it clear & maybe prevent the cycle of behaviors from the past starting up again.

Very sorry your family is going through this. It sounds positive that he entered rehab… Prayers he has a good outcome.

Ann

I have visited at least 20 rehabs with my son and worked in one for two years...and not once did the resident need money. Toiletries were provided and clothes if necessary. Residents get a small allowance each week to buy coffee at meetings or their own toiletries as they go. I am pretty sure it is this way in your country as well as mine.

I relate to your post because I gave my own son far too much money too often, thinking it would help and it only helped him buy drugs. When he was clean, he found work even for the day to pay for what he needed.

It's like feeding a dog scraps from the table...their faces beg and look pathetic so we sneak them something that probably isn't even good for them and then wonder why they keep coming back for more.

The phrase that worked for me us "I'm sorry, I don't have any money"....and "I'm glad you are getting clean because I can't help you financially anymore and now you will be able to take care of yourself."

Money can't save an addict, the love of their families cannot either, if love could save an addict not one of us would be here.

Good luck because I know how hard this is for you.

Hugs

hopeful4

Giving a crack addict a dime is giving them crack in hand. The rehab will provide everything.

Let Go and Let God.

Kindeyes

We go over and over and over this with the families of addicts and alcoholics (I volunteer with the Salvation Army-ARC). If you give them money......you give them OPTIONS. They are provided with all of their needs. If he wants the money for a specific purpose and you feel you must do something to show support.....you'd be better off providing the item. For example, he says "I don't like the shaving cream they provide" (my first thought would always be...but it's better than the shaving cream you didn't have a week ago) but you could say "ok...what kind of shaving cream do you feel you must have" and bring him the shaving cream. My son has been in inpatient three times....and has survived nicely....without me giving him any money. I have mixed feelings on the issue of cigarettes. But if he wants money for cigarettes and you want to oblige, better to bring him cigarettes rather than giving him money for them.

Just remember....money provides options. You'd be surprised at how many family members fall for this maneuver. He has all of his basic needs covered at the rehab. The fact that you are going to see him on Sunday IS showing support. And it's the best kind of support.

The other thing (although you didn't ask) we go over with family members is......don't GUSH. None of the "oh my goodness you look so fantastic!!!! I'm so proud of you!!!!" To an addict, that sends a message of "cool I'm all better now" and that's exactly what they want to hear.....so they can LEAVE. It's music to their ears. Best to be very calm....express that it's good to see them and you're glad they are taking care of themselves. Encouragement is great....GUSHING is counterproductive.

Just some thoughts.......take what you need.....and leave the rest.

gentle hugs
ke

LisaMaria

Thank you all very much for the much needed support. I honestly already knew the answers I was seeking but it helps tremendously to hear it from an experienced group.
Update...I text him today asking what he needs the money for and his answer didn't surprise me. He needs it for his wife. now that he will be gone she won't have money for her meds, insurance, bills etc...
His on again off again relationship with his wife is another issue I have....I feel bad for her in some ways but I don't feel I should be responsible for her car insurance, gas, meds etc. I'm taking everyone's advice here and will bring him a few things he wants/needs like sweat pants and cigarettes but no cash. He has a choice to make in getting well, stay and seek help and not worry about what's going on with his wife or leave treatment. For once I hope he chooses the right decision and worries about himself.
Oh also I took your advice and called the facility, they confirmed what I could bring. We also discussed a little bit about the situation, they seemed concerned that he has his phone....I thought that was weird. Thanks again I will pass this along to my other family members.
Much love!!! Lisa

Ann

I remember one time in rehab my son told me that they had to pay for their coin laundry, so I brought him a roll of quarters ($10) and dimes ($5). On a family night at the rehab they had special counseling in a room downstairs and we had to walk by the washers and dryers...that were NOT coin operated..

That was the final and very last cent I ever gave him at rehab. The fact he was IN rehab and still lied to me was enough to catch my attention...I'm a slow learner but once I learn I never forget.

If I could give any family member just once piece of advice, it would be to never ever give an addict money...even if he is in rehab.

Don't feel guilty about this, you didn't put him in this situation and it's not up to you to buy his way out. You may be surprised what he can figure out to do on his own and as mothers, the kindest thing we can do is to let them.

Hugs

LisaMaria

Your so right Ann! It's just the fact he is using his wife as an excuse to get money. I wouldn't be surprised if she is making him feel guilty about not being there to help her with the expenses. She is her own kind of addict...just the prescription kind.

Xoxo
Lisa