THIS is why NO CONTACT is important
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
THIS is why NO CONTACT is important
After two and a half months of excruciating pain from kicking out my abusive, alcoholic fiance, I finally slowly, slooowly started to get back to normal. And slowly the magnitude of what he was, what he did, started to show, started to become clear to me. Instead of crying daily, I slowly began to detach, and once it became so very clear how his behavior had damaged my kids, I shut my heart to him completely. Or so I thought.
I just received an email from him. Yes, I read it. I told all of you here I would be stupid and would read it if it came. I have not responded, have not, will not, did not. I don't want to. Its useless, I have said all I needed to say, and he never got help for his rages and alcoholism and even if he did, I am past the point of no return. I don't want that, or him, so nothing he says about loving me, or missing me, or whatever, none of it matters. But again, it was full of blame. Saying how he loves me, misses me, that I need help, that he 'knew' I needed help, and that is what caused him to behave the way he did. Saying that he has been seeing a therapist, and that the therapist helped him see that he raged, etc because intuitively he KNEW I had problems and it was his gut causing him to act that way towards me. I am in shock. Shock at the audacity of it. Again, its all of it again, blaming me. Again, never once did he APOLOGIZE for the behavior or the drinking. He did say he was "aware" of what he does, and why he does it, but really, it was not any apology. And saying he was aware of it, was just really general, it could have been talking about anything at all.
I feel like throwing up. I am set back, sort of, I think, only because it hurts, again, to hear this crap. I guess after not hearing it from anyone, period, then suddenly having it in my face again, it knocked me off.
He said at the end not to respond unless I was saying I am sorry and that I do need help. And of course the whole email was all loving and sweet and all that, saying...why yes, he was angry and acting out because he was trying to get me to admit I am crazy, but he still loves me. REALLY?????? Someone pull me back to my rock hard resolve. I want to email him and argue about it. I want to ******* laugh in his face. I want to point out 4983 things he did that were crazy and horrible and dangerous. I want to tear out his hair and scream at him. I want to sit in the corner and cry. I want to scream, scream scream NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOO! Etc. The first thing I did was go hug my kids. And now I am shaking, feeling nauseous. Someone, anyone on here....pull me back to my tragically numb, rock hard resolve. I will not reply, I have nothing to say that will help or do anything at all. I am better off away from him, but it frightens me, I am shaking right now, because when I don't respond...and I won't...he is going to show up.
I can feel it coming. Three hours ago, on the way home from the store I told my kids it was coming, the moment when he shows up. That moment when he appears with that smile I loved, but now I see is full of malice.
Help.....I am sliding back into the pit of despair that I spent so long climbing out of
I just received an email from him. Yes, I read it. I told all of you here I would be stupid and would read it if it came. I have not responded, have not, will not, did not. I don't want to. Its useless, I have said all I needed to say, and he never got help for his rages and alcoholism and even if he did, I am past the point of no return. I don't want that, or him, so nothing he says about loving me, or missing me, or whatever, none of it matters. But again, it was full of blame. Saying how he loves me, misses me, that I need help, that he 'knew' I needed help, and that is what caused him to behave the way he did. Saying that he has been seeing a therapist, and that the therapist helped him see that he raged, etc because intuitively he KNEW I had problems and it was his gut causing him to act that way towards me. I am in shock. Shock at the audacity of it. Again, its all of it again, blaming me. Again, never once did he APOLOGIZE for the behavior or the drinking. He did say he was "aware" of what he does, and why he does it, but really, it was not any apology. And saying he was aware of it, was just really general, it could have been talking about anything at all.
I feel like throwing up. I am set back, sort of, I think, only because it hurts, again, to hear this crap. I guess after not hearing it from anyone, period, then suddenly having it in my face again, it knocked me off.
He said at the end not to respond unless I was saying I am sorry and that I do need help. And of course the whole email was all loving and sweet and all that, saying...why yes, he was angry and acting out because he was trying to get me to admit I am crazy, but he still loves me. REALLY?????? Someone pull me back to my rock hard resolve. I want to email him and argue about it. I want to ******* laugh in his face. I want to point out 4983 things he did that were crazy and horrible and dangerous. I want to tear out his hair and scream at him. I want to sit in the corner and cry. I want to scream, scream scream NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOO! Etc. The first thing I did was go hug my kids. And now I am shaking, feeling nauseous. Someone, anyone on here....pull me back to my tragically numb, rock hard resolve. I will not reply, I have nothing to say that will help or do anything at all. I am better off away from him, but it frightens me, I am shaking right now, because when I don't respond...and I won't...he is going to show up.
I can feel it coming. Three hours ago, on the way home from the store I told my kids it was coming, the moment when he shows up. That moment when he appears with that smile I loved, but now I see is full of malice.
Help.....I am sliding back into the pit of despair that I spent so long climbing out of
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
DELETE.....DELETE.....DELETE.....QUACK.....QUACK.. ..QUACK!
I would love to hear his therapist actually say this to YOUR face. Lies, I guarantee it. If a therapist said that it is b/c he manipulated the therapist just like he had been manipulating you.
Earlier you posted the hurts of your little girl. Remember those. You did not creat those, he did. DO NOT FALL FOR IT and do not react. He is trying to get you to engage and that is absolutely the worst thing you could do.
It has been a hard time for you. I am so sorry. I send you big hugs and if I could I would grab your finger and hit the delete key for you.
XXXX
I would love to hear his therapist actually say this to YOUR face. Lies, I guarantee it. If a therapist said that it is b/c he manipulated the therapist just like he had been manipulating you.
Earlier you posted the hurts of your little girl. Remember those. You did not creat those, he did. DO NOT FALL FOR IT and do not react. He is trying to get you to engage and that is absolutely the worst thing you could do.
It has been a hard time for you. I am so sorry. I send you big hugs and if I could I would grab your finger and hit the delete key for you.
XXXX
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
of course in his mind it's all your fault! the only other person who could be at fault would be..........HIM! and we know THAT ain't happenin'.
it's all just bluff and bluster dear. nothing to take to heart or even get worked up about! they have templates for these letters in the Alcoholic Handbook: Deflect, Defend, Deny, 2013.
these things only have as much power over you as YOU choose to give them. you could see it as junk mail and just delete, like i do the spam mails i get promising to grow my whatchamadoodle longer and stronger, cuz i don't even HAVE a watchamadoodle!!!
delete and go back to NO contact. emphasis on the NO.
it's all just bluff and bluster dear. nothing to take to heart or even get worked up about! they have templates for these letters in the Alcoholic Handbook: Deflect, Defend, Deny, 2013.
these things only have as much power over you as YOU choose to give them. you could see it as junk mail and just delete, like i do the spam mails i get promising to grow my whatchamadoodle longer and stronger, cuz i don't even HAVE a watchamadoodle!!!
delete and go back to NO contact. emphasis on the NO.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
DO NOT ENGAGE. I repeat... DO NOT ENGAGE. That's exactly what he wants you to do is to react to him. He's literally BEGGING for it and by you NOT responding and zero engagement with him will be the best thing and it will DRIVE HIM INSANE. If he shows up, please please PLEASE just act surprised and like "what are YOU doing here?" He'll ask... "did you get my email???" And you just act non-chalant like it meant NOTHING to you and you are so past all that drama and have moved on. Stay cool, calm, and calculated and remember... DO NOT ENGAGE. And kindly ask him to leave.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
How ironic, Ofelie. I was just considering starting a post about NO CONTACT when I saw yours! Only, mine is different. No guilt trips, ILYs, blaming, shaming, etc. I just saw him at an event for our dd. Just a brief, 5 min or less contact. And, I am sad 
All of the contentment, resolve, and peace that I've felt since he left... just gone and in it's place sadness and longing. Only, I know the longing is for the man he was, the couple we were, not for who he is now, and certainly not for who we were at the end. Didn't help that I also saw a couple acquaintances who told me how devastated they were over my divorce?
Then, I logged in and read your post which reminded me of some of the reasons we are divorcing. My STBXAH also told me that *I have issues* and that *I am emotionally abusive* and that *I* should seek help for this. Ironically, I was already in alanon and counseling and he was? Getting counseling from the bottle? From the tv? So, thank you, Ofelie, YOUR post made me angry for you and reminded me of some of the reasons that we are divorcing.
As for you, I am so sorry I am angry for you, he is a JERK. I don't blame you for wanting to pull his hair out, I want to claw his eyes out for you!! But, that would give him just what he wants from you - a reaction. Your silence is better for your sanity. Take comfort in knowing that you are not giving into him. Delete the email and block his email address, Ofelie. You deserve so much better.
All of the contentment, resolve, and peace that I've felt since he left... just gone and in it's place sadness and longing. Only, I know the longing is for the man he was, the couple we were, not for who he is now, and certainly not for who we were at the end. Didn't help that I also saw a couple acquaintances who told me how devastated they were over my divorce? Then, I logged in and read your post which reminded me of some of the reasons we are divorcing. My STBXAH also told me that *I have issues* and that *I am emotionally abusive* and that *I* should seek help for this. Ironically, I was already in alanon and counseling and he was? Getting counseling from the bottle? From the tv? So, thank you, Ofelie, YOUR post made me angry for you and reminded me of some of the reasons that we are divorcing.
As for you, I am so sorry
I am angry for you, he is a JERK. I don't blame you for wanting to pull his hair out, I want to claw his eyes out for you!! But, that would give him just what he wants from you - a reaction. Your silence is better for your sanity. Take comfort in knowing that you are not giving into him. Delete the email and block his email address, Ofelie. You deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
i feel like i can totally relate. i've had many of the same experiences you describe. my first reaction to reading this was he is sucking you back in and i know you are aware of it. i know, believe me, i know how hard this is. but maybe pause for just a moment...
you mentioned that you slowly began to detach or so you thought...oh no you did and you are spot on. and that is what you need to focus on now.
take a breath for a moment. step outside of the emotion. observe what is happening as the expert you already are, just like i'm outside of it. imagine i'm telling you this too...imagine i'm seeking the same advice. tell me what i need to hear/you need to do. you know and i know it.
in my opinion, it is what you did before. detach and find away to get away. if you know he is coming, find that strength to not only detach but remove yourself from the pain and seeing him. this is your way through it. don't be emotionally available or even physically available. listen to yourself. you got this. you know what to do. HUGS
you mentioned that you slowly began to detach or so you thought...oh no you did and you are spot on. and that is what you need to focus on now.
take a breath for a moment. step outside of the emotion. observe what is happening as the expert you already are, just like i'm outside of it. imagine i'm telling you this too...imagine i'm seeking the same advice. tell me what i need to hear/you need to do. you know and i know it.
in my opinion, it is what you did before. detach and find away to get away. if you know he is coming, find that strength to not only detach but remove yourself from the pain and seeing him. this is your way through it. don't be emotionally available or even physically available. listen to yourself. you got this. you know what to do. HUGS
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Saying that he has been seeing a therapist, and that the therapist helped him see that he raged, etc because intuitively he KNEW I had problems and it was his gut causing him to act that way towards me.
My ex has told me his therapist says that clearly, I (she has never met me, seen me, talked to me) am mentally unstable and the reason for my ex's drinking. As for the abuse, after talking to him, it is clear that any man would have reacted with aggressive behavior being confronted by such a devious, lying, cheating, woman pretending to be a wife. Etc.
I thought he was lying. Until she put her testimony in writing. Which led me to report her to the board of licensing.
So there are two things: Your ex may very well be lying about a) seeing a therapist and b) what the therapist said. Or, another option is that it's a match made in heaven and he has found a therapist who is as loony off her rocker crazy as he is. It happens.
The good thing is -- none of that has ANYTHING to do with you. Nothing. Bygones. Done. Over with.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Just delete him. If he shows up call the police.
Originally Posted by Ofelie 
After two and a half months of excruciating pain from kicking out my abusive, alcoholic fiance, I finally slowly, slooowly started to get back to normal. And slowly the magnitude of what he was, what he did, started to show, started to become clear to me. Instead of crying daily, I slowly began to detach, and once it became so very clear how his behavior had damaged my kids, I shut my heart to him completely. Or so I thought.
I just received an email from him. Yes, I read it. I told all of you here I would be stupid and would read it if it came. I have not responded, have not, will not, did not. I don't want to. Its useless, I have said all I needed to say, and he never got help for his rages and alcoholism and even if he did, I am past the point of no return. I don't want that, or him, so nothing he says about loving me, or missing me, or whatever, none of it matters. But again, it was full of blame. Saying how he loves me, misses me, that I need help, that he 'knew' I needed help, and that is what caused him to behave the way he did. Saying that he has been seeing a therapist, and that the therapist helped him see that he raged, etc because intuitively he KNEW I had problems and it was his gut causing him to act that way towards me. I am in shock. Shock at the audacity of it. Again, its all of it again, blaming me. Again, never once did he APOLOGIZE for the behavior or the drinking. He did say he was "aware" of what he does, and why he does it, but really, it was not any apology. And saying he was aware of it, was just really general, it could have been talking about anything at all.
I feel like throwing up. I am set back, sort of, I think, only because it hurts, again, to hear this crap. I guess after not hearing it from anyone, period, then suddenly having it in my face again, it knocked me off.
He said at the end not to respond unless I was saying I am sorry and that I do need help. And of course the whole email was all loving and sweet and all that, saying...why yes, he was angry and acting out because he was trying to get me to admit I am crazy, but he still loves me. REALLY?????? Someone pull me back to my rock hard resolve. I want to email him and argue about it. I want to ******* laugh in his face. I want to point out 4983 things he did that were crazy and horrible and dangerous. I want to tear out his hair and scream at him. I want to sit in the corner and cry. I want to scream, scream scream NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOO! Etc. The first thing I did was go hug my kids. And now I am shaking, feeling nauseous. Someone, anyone on here....pull me back to my tragically numb, rock hard resolve. I will not reply, I have nothing to say that will help or do anything at all. I am better off away from him, but it frightens me, I am shaking right now, because when I don't respond...and I won't...he is going to show up.
I can feel it coming. Three hours ago, on the way home from the store I told my kids it was coming, the moment when he shows up. That moment when he appears with that smile I loved, but now I see is full of malice.
Help.....I am sliding back into the pit of despair that I spent so long climbing out of
I just received an email from him. Yes, I read it. I told all of you here I would be stupid and would read it if it came. I have not responded, have not, will not, did not. I don't want to. Its useless, I have said all I needed to say, and he never got help for his rages and alcoholism and even if he did, I am past the point of no return. I don't want that, or him, so nothing he says about loving me, or missing me, or whatever, none of it matters. But again, it was full of blame. Saying how he loves me, misses me, that I need help, that he 'knew' I needed help, and that is what caused him to behave the way he did. Saying that he has been seeing a therapist, and that the therapist helped him see that he raged, etc because intuitively he KNEW I had problems and it was his gut causing him to act that way towards me. I am in shock. Shock at the audacity of it. Again, its all of it again, blaming me. Again, never once did he APOLOGIZE for the behavior or the drinking. He did say he was "aware" of what he does, and why he does it, but really, it was not any apology. And saying he was aware of it, was just really general, it could have been talking about anything at all.
I feel like throwing up. I am set back, sort of, I think, only because it hurts, again, to hear this crap. I guess after not hearing it from anyone, period, then suddenly having it in my face again, it knocked me off.
He said at the end not to respond unless I was saying I am sorry and that I do need help. And of course the whole email was all loving and sweet and all that, saying...why yes, he was angry and acting out because he was trying to get me to admit I am crazy, but he still loves me. REALLY?????? Someone pull me back to my rock hard resolve. I want to email him and argue about it. I want to ******* laugh in his face. I want to point out 4983 things he did that were crazy and horrible and dangerous. I want to tear out his hair and scream at him. I want to sit in the corner and cry. I want to scream, scream scream NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOO! Etc. The first thing I did was go hug my kids. And now I am shaking, feeling nauseous. Someone, anyone on here....pull me back to my tragically numb, rock hard resolve. I will not reply, I have nothing to say that will help or do anything at all. I am better off away from him, but it frightens me, I am shaking right now, because when I don't respond...and I won't...he is going to show up.
I can feel it coming. Three hours ago, on the way home from the store I told my kids it was coming, the moment when he shows up. That moment when he appears with that smile I loved, but now I see is full of malice.
Help.....I am sliding back into the pit of despair that I spent so long climbing out of
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think we are all going to sprout horns tomorrow since we are all lying, awful, mental, abusive, devious, devils!
Doesn't it make you wonder how much the therapists actually believe? Or are they sitting there calling BS the entire time! I personally don't care, I just think it is hilarious how many of us have been called psycho nuts w/out a therapist meeting us even one time! What kind of a therapist does that? However, in another topic I just posted how it amazes me how many in that world are addicts themselves!
Lord help us!
Doesn't it make you wonder how much the therapists actually believe? Or are they sitting there calling BS the entire time! I personally don't care, I just think it is hilarious how many of us have been called psycho nuts w/out a therapist meeting us even one time! What kind of a therapist does that? However, in another topic I just posted how it amazes me how many in that world are addicts themselves!
Lord help us!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Ofelie
But again, it was full of blame. Saying how he loves me, misses me, that I need help, that he 'knew' I needed help, and that is what caused him to behave the way he did. Saying that he has been seeing a therapist, and that the therapist helped him see that he raged, etc because intuitively he KNEW I had problems and it was his gut causing him to act that way towards me. ... Again, never once did he APOLOGIZE for the behavior or the drinking. He did say he was "aware" of what he does, and why he does it, but really, it was not any apology. And saying he was aware of it, was just really general, it could have been talking about anything at all.
He said at the end not to respond unless I was saying I am sorry and that I do need help. And of course the whole email was all loving and sweet and all that, saying...why yes, he was angry and acting out because he was trying to get me to admit I am crazy, but he still loves me.
He said at the end not to respond unless I was saying I am sorry and that I do need help. And of course the whole email was all loving and sweet and all that, saying...why yes, he was angry and acting out because he was trying to get me to admit I am crazy, but he still loves me.
Lately, I've been keeping a private blog of all the junk he pulled when we were together. It helps me when I start doubting myself and remembering the good times. It's filled with snippets of notes from other spouses of As and things I can do to make myself engage in my life with happiness.
Sending warm thoughts and hugs.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ofelie---when you feel weak--think about how this man damages your children. Promise yourself that you will let NO MAN damage your children!!
It is a mother's job to protect her young. Many times we can do for our children what we are not willing to do for ourselves.
Maybe put a sign on y our bathroom mirror to constantly remind yourself.
If he shows up--has he been violent? Do you have a plan?
You can call the police. Tell them that you and the children are in danger as he has been
dangerous in the past. They can make an emergency NO Trespass order (even if he hasn't done anything, yet). If he comes onto the property again--they can arrest him if he doesn't leave.
Do not hesitate to call for help.
It must be awful for your children to be living through this fear. Even if they are not saying it--they are worried and afraid.
dandylion
It is a mother's job to protect her young. Many times we can do for our children what we are not willing to do for ourselves.
Maybe put a sign on y our bathroom mirror to constantly remind yourself.
If he shows up--has he been violent? Do you have a plan?
You can call the police. Tell them that you and the children are in danger as he has been
dangerous in the past. They can make an emergency NO Trespass order (even if he hasn't done anything, yet). If he comes onto the property again--they can arrest him if he doesn't leave.
Do not hesitate to call for help.
It must be awful for your children to be living through this fear. Even if they are not saying it--they are worried and afraid.
dandylion
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Hi Ofelie,
I'd like to offer my 2 cents. After reading through your thread, I see no one else has said something along these lines...
Remember that this is HIS therapist talking. This person gets paid to talk to him. Of course they are going to take his side... so they will continue to get PAID! If they disagreed with him, he would just find someone who agreed! Who knows what he said.... he may (probably) have totally lied about the situation to manipulate them for his benefit.
I'm so sorry that this has set you back. Pick your chin up and hold that resolve as your highest priority! Those kids are your #1 responsibility and they have already been through enough of his BS. Protect them with all you have MOM!
If he shows up... DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR! If he has a key, get the locks changed.... and PLEASE just delete any future messages. Save yourself and your children the stress and emotional trauma of dealing with his crap....
(((Ofelie))) Peace to you.
I'd like to offer my 2 cents. After reading through your thread, I see no one else has said something along these lines...
Remember that this is HIS therapist talking. This person gets paid to talk to him. Of course they are going to take his side... so they will continue to get PAID! If they disagreed with him, he would just find someone who agreed! Who knows what he said.... he may (probably) have totally lied about the situation to manipulate them for his benefit.
I'm so sorry that this has set you back. Pick your chin up and hold that resolve as your highest priority! Those kids are your #1 responsibility and they have already been through enough of his BS. Protect them with all you have MOM!
If he shows up... DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR! If he has a key, get the locks changed.... and PLEASE just delete any future messages. Save yourself and your children the stress and emotional trauma of dealing with his crap....
(((Ofelie))) Peace to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Wow - I've never read anything so asinine in my life.
Deep Breaths. You know how this works - it's the same away from him as it was when you were with him detach, feel angry - and let it go. You can take your power right back.
That's why he wrote you a psychopathic letter. Let the psycho be..
You...just smile, keep breathing, hug the kids, and pat yourself on the back for walking away from that crap. (((HUGS!))) This is the downhill side - it will get easier!
Deep Breaths. You know how this works - it's the same away from him as it was when you were with him detach, feel angry - and let it go. You can take your power right back.
That's why he wrote you a psychopathic letter. Let the psycho be..
You...just smile, keep breathing, hug the kids, and pat yourself on the back for walking away from that crap. (((HUGS!))) This is the downhill side - it will get easier!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Who says his therapist said those things? He does. That doesn't mean it actually happened. The real truth you'll never know. The therapist might have told him something he didn't like. He may have never even seen the therapist. I'm not kidding. It took me a long time to realize that every word from my X is crafted to manipulate me...and that I had to assume every word was possibly untrue.
I'm furious at him! I'm probably not supposed to say that, but I'm sorry, he is stomping on your sanity, and it's not just wrong...it's not even real. None of it. But we should expect this.
Don't let him touch your reality. Don't let him see your anger, or anything at all. Don't feed the beast.
Easier said than done, I know. My X can still steal my sanity in a heartbeat...but I'm getting better at avoiding it, and I can feel each time that I recover more quickly. You know what's real and what's true. You are sane, you are strong, and you are doing a lot for your family!
Sending you hugs and prayers!!!
I'm furious at him! I'm probably not supposed to say that, but I'm sorry, he is stomping on your sanity, and it's not just wrong...it's not even real. None of it. But we should expect this.
Don't let him touch your reality. Don't let him see your anger, or anything at all. Don't feed the beast.
Easier said than done, I know. My X can still steal my sanity in a heartbeat...but I'm getting better at avoiding it, and I can feel each time that I recover more quickly. You know what's real and what's true. You are sane, you are strong, and you are doing a lot for your family!
Sending you hugs and prayers!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think we are all going to sprout horns tomorrow since we are all lying, awful, mental, abusive, devious, devils!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
For anyone who cares... I have added most of his email below, leaving out parts that are not relevant to me, about his life now. I am sorting through all of this in my head, I will NOT respond, I won't even bother, there is no point. It just helps me to dissect it. Just a little background info, he frequently told me that I am not a painter (see my avatar) or writer, even though I did both in front of him. I painted loads of paintings in front of him, and then he would freak out and accuse me of faking that I am a painter, or say I had stolen it from somewhere and that I had not actually painted it. It was just bizarre. Those of you who have read my previous posts might know the background already, but basically he had this huge paranoia that I was some sort of con man he was living with. He didn't work at all for two years while I supported us all...would lay on the bed and whine about having no money for wine after he drank my 80 bottle collection, and then he did work, but would only buy groceries...and always with a big fight about it, that was the only way he contributed to our household financially. He claimed I was in the mafia, he said I was a trust fund baby, he claimed all sorts of things, to explain away how I managed to pay the bills every month, but it was never that I EARNED the money legally and legitimately. And when he was expected to contribute he had a fit about it, seriously, a meltdown about being expected to pay for groceries, etc because in his mind I should have made enough to support us, which I did, but still felt he should contribute like a 47 year old adult male can. Matter of fact, I used to cringe when it was time to go to the store, because he would be more than willing to buy a $30 bottle of vodka, but get angry over having to also buy dinner. Everyone tells me he was using me for money, for a place to stay, etc. Its ****** up...forgive my language, I am beyond caring anymore about decorum.
He said:
I have a few things to say to you. I'm not sure where to start. Leaving you, or "getting kicked out by you", was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Almost as hard as when I left my girls... and you know how hard that was. It has been excruciating. Not seeing you... hearing your voice... touching you. Feeling your body next to mine when I sleep. Not texting you all day when we I'm not home. Etc. I loved you so much. I was willing to give up everything for you, and I gave up a lot. Probably more than you ever expected. Maybe that's why you lied, because you didn't expect me to fall so deeply in love with you. I have a hard time believing you aren't aware of your lies, because you're too careful. What I'm not sure you realize, is that I would have been happy to live in a run down old shack in the middle of nowhere with you. I would have worked my ass off to provide whatever I could for you. I gave you almost 4 years. I have seen a therapist, and he's helping me work through all of this stuff I went through with you, all that you put me through, all the lies and games you played with me, that caused me to react to you in the way I did. Google INFJ. It is my personality type. Introvert, intuitive, feeling, judging. We are the most rare type... only 1% of the population. I think it explains a lot. In particular, read the parts about infj relationships and romance, and about our intuition. Its like a 6th sense for us. Its virtually impossible for us to ignore our intuition. You don't have to, I guess it really doesn't matter. Anyway Angi, I miss you, and what I hoped we had... one of the things about infj personalities is that were always looking for the perfect relationship. I believed I found that in you. Make no mistake, I was deeply and passionately in love with you. The only time I ever lied to you was about the cigarettes, and you knew i was lying... it was your intuition. Remember how that felt? Multiply that by a hundred, and maybe you'll understand what i tried to go through for you. And I was absolutely faithful... there was never anyone else. I'm not even sure why I'm writing. Maybe its hard to stop loving you. I just wanted you to know... maybe you'll email me back... if its going to be more of that crap about how its all my fault, I need help, or I'm an alcoholic, etc. Don't brother. I'm well aware of what i do and why I do it... like I've told you many times, ill do what i have to do. The only thing I want to hear from you is... "I am so sorry. I don't know why I do it. I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you so much, you were right and I do need help." Then I might actually respond. Otherwise, I said what I had to say. Think about it
That was his email and dissecting it is making me have a raging headache and feel dizzy and nauseous. My heart is tripping, fluttering like a hummingbird and so this goes against my cardiologist telling me to avoid stress. His words were the same, pretty much the same as his rants when he lived with me. Accusing me of lying about this or that, calling me crazy. You know what I think when I read it? I was getting so comfortable, so used to being out of the chaos. Remembering all the crazy he did just makes me sick inside, at how he did it and how I put up with it. At one point when we thought I was pregnant he even accused me of having my tubal ligation reversed in secret behind his back, and then getting pregnant on purpose to trap him. All of it, its just stupid and crazy and sick and horrible and I WANT NO PART OF IT IN MY LIFE. I stepped away from it, I was walking away from his inferno, not looking back, as M1K3 said...and its like he is crawling out of it, grabbing at my pantlegs trying to pull me back in. I want peace. I want a happy healthy home for my kids. Its all I need. Period. The rest of it can burn. I will not reply. period. It will probably result in him showing up. And he will probably say that my non reply validates his belief that I am a liar. But you know what? The only people I need to be anything for is my kids. He can go hang.
He said:
I have a few things to say to you. I'm not sure where to start. Leaving you, or "getting kicked out by you", was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Almost as hard as when I left my girls... and you know how hard that was. It has been excruciating. Not seeing you... hearing your voice... touching you. Feeling your body next to mine when I sleep. Not texting you all day when we I'm not home. Etc. I loved you so much. I was willing to give up everything for you, and I gave up a lot. Probably more than you ever expected. Maybe that's why you lied, because you didn't expect me to fall so deeply in love with you. I have a hard time believing you aren't aware of your lies, because you're too careful. What I'm not sure you realize, is that I would have been happy to live in a run down old shack in the middle of nowhere with you. I would have worked my ass off to provide whatever I could for you. I gave you almost 4 years. I have seen a therapist, and he's helping me work through all of this stuff I went through with you, all that you put me through, all the lies and games you played with me, that caused me to react to you in the way I did. Google INFJ. It is my personality type. Introvert, intuitive, feeling, judging. We are the most rare type... only 1% of the population. I think it explains a lot. In particular, read the parts about infj relationships and romance, and about our intuition. Its like a 6th sense for us. Its virtually impossible for us to ignore our intuition. You don't have to, I guess it really doesn't matter. Anyway Angi, I miss you, and what I hoped we had... one of the things about infj personalities is that were always looking for the perfect relationship. I believed I found that in you. Make no mistake, I was deeply and passionately in love with you. The only time I ever lied to you was about the cigarettes, and you knew i was lying... it was your intuition. Remember how that felt? Multiply that by a hundred, and maybe you'll understand what i tried to go through for you. And I was absolutely faithful... there was never anyone else. I'm not even sure why I'm writing. Maybe its hard to stop loving you. I just wanted you to know... maybe you'll email me back... if its going to be more of that crap about how its all my fault, I need help, or I'm an alcoholic, etc. Don't brother. I'm well aware of what i do and why I do it... like I've told you many times, ill do what i have to do. The only thing I want to hear from you is... "I am so sorry. I don't know why I do it. I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you so much, you were right and I do need help." Then I might actually respond. Otherwise, I said what I had to say. Think about it
That was his email and dissecting it is making me have a raging headache and feel dizzy and nauseous. My heart is tripping, fluttering like a hummingbird and so this goes against my cardiologist telling me to avoid stress. His words were the same, pretty much the same as his rants when he lived with me. Accusing me of lying about this or that, calling me crazy. You know what I think when I read it? I was getting so comfortable, so used to being out of the chaos. Remembering all the crazy he did just makes me sick inside, at how he did it and how I put up with it. At one point when we thought I was pregnant he even accused me of having my tubal ligation reversed in secret behind his back, and then getting pregnant on purpose to trap him. All of it, its just stupid and crazy and sick and horrible and I WANT NO PART OF IT IN MY LIFE. I stepped away from it, I was walking away from his inferno, not looking back, as M1K3 said...and its like he is crawling out of it, grabbing at my pantlegs trying to pull me back in. I want peace. I want a happy healthy home for my kids. Its all I need. Period. The rest of it can burn. I will not reply. period. It will probably result in him showing up. And he will probably say that my non reply validates his belief that I am a liar. But you know what? The only people I need to be anything for is my kids. He can go hang.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
It's about you and your kids now.
That email made zero sense, please delete it from your mind and heart
as well as your mailbox.
At best, it's a thinly veiled attempt to get you to crawl back on his terms.
Glad you aren't biting, but sorry it hurts so very much.
That email made zero sense, please delete it from your mind and heart
as well as your mailbox.
At best, it's a thinly veiled attempt to get you to crawl back on his terms.
Glad you aren't biting, but sorry it hurts so very much.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
You could just set up a rule on your email that sends all his future correspondence to junk. Or, block him on your email account. That way, you don't even have to KNOW if he's emailing you anymore to trigger these emotions.
And, you don't have to answer the door. Even if you don't need to call the police, you can simply just not be available to answer the door. But if you need to call them, do so.
You now know he still triggers you. Time to limit those opportunities for him. He's either being an ass and picking a fight, or trying to worm his way back into your life to pick back up where you left off, for what that was worth.
Good luck and stay strong.
And, you don't have to answer the door. Even if you don't need to call the police, you can simply just not be available to answer the door. But if you need to call them, do so.
You now know he still triggers you. Time to limit those opportunities for him. He's either being an ass and picking a fight, or trying to worm his way back into your life to pick back up where you left off, for what that was worth.
Good luck and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Nc
Posts: 33
Now sounds like a good time to launch a new email address.
Or............
You 'could' respond with a blank email that has an embedded virus to crash his computer
He is not worth that effort of course, or the effort of reading the gibberish that he is sending to you. Most email programs allow you to set a rule to autodelete or mark as spam.
Or............
You 'could' respond with a blank email that has an embedded virus to crash his computer
He is not worth that effort of course, or the effort of reading the gibberish that he is sending to you. Most email programs allow you to set a rule to autodelete or mark as spam.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
