Repeat after me
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Repeat after me
Other people's feelings are not mine.
Other people's actions are not mine.
What goes on outside of me is not me.
What goes on inside me, I have a modicum of control over.
Just because I think it doesn't make it true.
Feelings are not facts.
Struggling hard with not feeling like a failure because one of my children is crashing again. One directionless, floating; one self-hating and self-harming, one focused, determined, stashing all feelings where the sun don't shine and overachieving and pushing every limit to her abilities.
I know I've always done my best as a mother. I know I cannot remove the abuse from their father. I know I can just keep loving them and setting boundaries and accepting them for what they are, not wishing they would become that-which-under-different-circumstances-they-could-have-the-potential-for-being.
Because that's as insane as thinking you can get an addict to stop drinking.
Other people's actions are not mine.
What goes on outside of me is not me.
What goes on inside me, I have a modicum of control over.
Just because I think it doesn't make it true.
Feelings are not facts.
Struggling hard with not feeling like a failure because one of my children is crashing again. One directionless, floating; one self-hating and self-harming, one focused, determined, stashing all feelings where the sun don't shine and overachieving and pushing every limit to her abilities.
I know I've always done my best as a mother. I know I cannot remove the abuse from their father. I know I can just keep loving them and setting boundaries and accepting them for what they are, not wishing they would become that-which-under-different-circumstances-they-could-have-the-potential-for-being.
Because that's as insane as thinking you can get an addict to stop drinking.
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Even in "perfect" families, kids have struggles. That is just life. Not an extension of you.
FWIW, I was a responsible version of a wild child from 18-21. I worked through that and came out the other side better for it.
FWIW, I was a responsible version of a wild child from 18-21. I worked through that and came out the other side better for it.
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It is so hard when it is dealing with your children. When my older daughter was struggling last year, it brought out a panic in me I had not know before. What I see now is that her peers were contributing much more so than I had thought. Often times, it is not about the parents, or not nearly as much as we like to think. Is something else going on in school or something you can help with? If not, the only thing you can do is be there, listen, offer support and love love love them to pieces. Let them know you are their rock.
Forgive me if you have said so before but I cannot remember, do they do any counseling? It may also help to let someone your child trusts at school know what is going on.
In my daughter's situation, under the advise of a therapist, we switched schools mid semester. This helped immensely. I let school know all that was going on and have to say, they did a great job of watching out for her wellbeing, especially during the initial phase. School actually has a social worker (I had no idea, we had always been at a private school and switched to public) who was also very kind and checked on her.
You are right you know, you cannot remove bad experiences for anyone. What you can do is continue to be a great mom, continue to be supportive and show love. Those things are what every living being requires to get started in healing.
Tight Hugs. If you ever need a friend PM me!
ps...I too was the wild child. You would never know it now! There really is truth that alot of it is a phase they go through.
Forgive me if you have said so before but I cannot remember, do they do any counseling? It may also help to let someone your child trusts at school know what is going on.
In my daughter's situation, under the advise of a therapist, we switched schools mid semester. This helped immensely. I let school know all that was going on and have to say, they did a great job of watching out for her wellbeing, especially during the initial phase. School actually has a social worker (I had no idea, we had always been at a private school and switched to public) who was also very kind and checked on her.
You are right you know, you cannot remove bad experiences for anyone. What you can do is continue to be a great mom, continue to be supportive and show love. Those things are what every living being requires to get started in healing.
Tight Hugs. If you ever need a friend PM me!
ps...I too was the wild child. You would never know it now! There really is truth that alot of it is a phase they go through.
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(((((Hugs)))) Amy. There's no doubt that you are a great mom, doing everything in your power to make everything as right as possible. I think it's awesome though, that you can see the limits of your control & not take it all personally. Sending you lots of positive vibes today my friend!!
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Hugs. I think your kids are all teenagers, right? Take some solace in knowing that some (if not all) of the attributes you listed are also just normal parts of being a teen/young adult and trying to find where you fit in in the world. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're a great mom and you're setting an excellent example for your kids.
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Emmy -- here's how I see it:
If you've cut your leg wide open and you're bleeding from a major artery, the first step is to stop the bleeding. You can worry later about repairing torn muscles, stitch up the skin, and maybe having plastic surgery on the scar.
If you don't stop the bleeding, you're going to die.
My kids are struggling. But they're no longer bleeding. We're in the "repair muscle tissue" stage. I can't tell for sure what would have happened if I had stayed with their father, but DESPITE all that's going on with them, all three express frequently that they are happier than they have ever been. And for so many years when I was married to their father, I was convinced they weren't at all affected by his drinking. I thought they were ignorant and happy. In reality, they suffered way more than I did.
If you've cut your leg wide open and you're bleeding from a major artery, the first step is to stop the bleeding. You can worry later about repairing torn muscles, stitch up the skin, and maybe having plastic surgery on the scar.
If you don't stop the bleeding, you're going to die.
My kids are struggling. But they're no longer bleeding. We're in the "repair muscle tissue" stage. I can't tell for sure what would have happened if I had stayed with their father, but DESPITE all that's going on with them, all three express frequently that they are happier than they have ever been. And for so many years when I was married to their father, I was convinced they weren't at all affected by his drinking. I thought they were ignorant and happy. In reality, they suffered way more than I did.
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This post hit me so hard, its what has been roiling across my heart and brain the last few days. My three are in similar spots as yours are, and its makes me just want to slap myself for ever letting them be in such a position. As you said, I feel like a failure, even as I realize it was not me who was hurting everyone. I know, I KNOW I was not the abuser, the alcoholic. I have been lost, sort of, just bouncing from numb to angry to lost and heartbroken over my ex AF but the other night it all changed. Suddenly I am no longer hurting over him, I am looking at the whole situation with disgust, regret, discomfort, shame, horror...you name it, but I am not pining away for him.
Things have been much calmer and more peaceful since he left, but once in a while we have a bad night. Well we had a bad night, a night of bickering where they were all at each other about everything. It was just a bad night, as if all of us was on edge and snapping left and right at each other til it came to a head, emotions running on high making us overly sensitive. My son was antagonizing the girls, saying crappy stuff and being belligerent to them. My middle daughter was lashing out in anger, and then taking it out on my youngest, who has been struggling the worst of them all. I was in the middle, disciplining them all til it just all boiled over and we were all yelling and angry. Then to put a stop to it I put my foot down and we had a family meeting, sorted it out, talked through it, everyone calmed down and things got back to normal and we all got ready for bed. My youngest has been having nightmares, so has been sleeping in my bed every night. She is 11, and often says things that would be more like what you would expect of a 45 year old. But that night, she lay in my arms, sobbing, tears rolling down her little face, which is a mirror of my own. She told me she was sick of waking up and being afraid of how the day was going to turn out. That when my ex AF was here, she was afraid to wake up and start the day, because she never knew what time he would explode or what would make him explode but she knew it was inevitable every single day. She was afraid to sleep, because she was afraid to wake up and hear him screaming at me, and the sound of me crying, or begging him to stop, or crying out in pain and/or fear. She said she is afraid of her sister, because her sister kept hitting her (I have put a stop to this, of course) or her brother, because she is afraid he will turn into my ex, turn mean and abusive because she is afraid that all men are like that. She said she is afraid to grow up and find out that everyone is mean, that everyone is a user. She lost her two best friends, after that whole dog incident (previously posted about how I had agreed to watch my friend's dogs....finally put my foot down and said take them back and no longer speak to that entire family). She said she is afraid of all of us because she is afraid we are going to flip and turn mean the way my ex AF did, and when she sees people at the store or wherever, she looks at their faces and tries to tell if they are all users (meaning people who use people) or addicts or crazy...and she says she can't ever see good in people. I reassure her that there are good people out there, thousands of them. But, as I held her, and wiped away her tears, it shook me to the core to see the raw damage done to my little girl, my tiny little girl, by the actions and words of that man I had brought into our lives. She told me she "is the sad girl with hollow eyes who hides behind a mask of false happiness." Maybe she got it out of a book, or maybe it came from her, I dunno. Oh how I felt like a failure. Its instinct, to protect our children from the evils of the world, and oh my god, I failed didn't I? My tiny girl, who is helpless to stop the ugliness around her, and only wants her family safe and not hurt was made to endure the uncertainty and fear of whether her mom would get killed or just screamed at daily by the man she had called dad. Then I have to repeat the words in your post, over and over to myself, that I can only be in charge of me, my own actions and that gives me this sense of relief from all the guilt. I will NEVER put my kids through that ever again. I will never bring that into our house again, the chaos of an abusive alcoholic with myriad mental health problems. I never saw how deeply it hurt them til after he left. I know I am not perfect, and I have always done my best for them, and they are the reason I made him leave.
The only thing you can do is be the best you can be, you will fix yourself, so that you provide your kids with the stability and strength of a healthy, rational parent who loves them and is there for them. I worry about what the long term, lasting damage will be to them but I keep reminding myself that we can heal, we can get past this. I took the first step, by kicking him out the door. It has only been a couple months, and yes, we are happier, calmer, even with momentary bad nights. We are HEALING, which will take time.
Things have been much calmer and more peaceful since he left, but once in a while we have a bad night. Well we had a bad night, a night of bickering where they were all at each other about everything. It was just a bad night, as if all of us was on edge and snapping left and right at each other til it came to a head, emotions running on high making us overly sensitive. My son was antagonizing the girls, saying crappy stuff and being belligerent to them. My middle daughter was lashing out in anger, and then taking it out on my youngest, who has been struggling the worst of them all. I was in the middle, disciplining them all til it just all boiled over and we were all yelling and angry. Then to put a stop to it I put my foot down and we had a family meeting, sorted it out, talked through it, everyone calmed down and things got back to normal and we all got ready for bed. My youngest has been having nightmares, so has been sleeping in my bed every night. She is 11, and often says things that would be more like what you would expect of a 45 year old. But that night, she lay in my arms, sobbing, tears rolling down her little face, which is a mirror of my own. She told me she was sick of waking up and being afraid of how the day was going to turn out. That when my ex AF was here, she was afraid to wake up and start the day, because she never knew what time he would explode or what would make him explode but she knew it was inevitable every single day. She was afraid to sleep, because she was afraid to wake up and hear him screaming at me, and the sound of me crying, or begging him to stop, or crying out in pain and/or fear. She said she is afraid of her sister, because her sister kept hitting her (I have put a stop to this, of course) or her brother, because she is afraid he will turn into my ex, turn mean and abusive because she is afraid that all men are like that. She said she is afraid to grow up and find out that everyone is mean, that everyone is a user. She lost her two best friends, after that whole dog incident (previously posted about how I had agreed to watch my friend's dogs....finally put my foot down and said take them back and no longer speak to that entire family). She said she is afraid of all of us because she is afraid we are going to flip and turn mean the way my ex AF did, and when she sees people at the store or wherever, she looks at their faces and tries to tell if they are all users (meaning people who use people) or addicts or crazy...and she says she can't ever see good in people. I reassure her that there are good people out there, thousands of them. But, as I held her, and wiped away her tears, it shook me to the core to see the raw damage done to my little girl, my tiny little girl, by the actions and words of that man I had brought into our lives. She told me she "is the sad girl with hollow eyes who hides behind a mask of false happiness." Maybe she got it out of a book, or maybe it came from her, I dunno. Oh how I felt like a failure. Its instinct, to protect our children from the evils of the world, and oh my god, I failed didn't I? My tiny girl, who is helpless to stop the ugliness around her, and only wants her family safe and not hurt was made to endure the uncertainty and fear of whether her mom would get killed or just screamed at daily by the man she had called dad. Then I have to repeat the words in your post, over and over to myself, that I can only be in charge of me, my own actions and that gives me this sense of relief from all the guilt. I will NEVER put my kids through that ever again. I will never bring that into our house again, the chaos of an abusive alcoholic with myriad mental health problems. I never saw how deeply it hurt them til after he left. I know I am not perfect, and I have always done my best for them, and they are the reason I made him leave.
The only thing you can do is be the best you can be, you will fix yourself, so that you provide your kids with the stability and strength of a healthy, rational parent who loves them and is there for them. I worry about what the long term, lasting damage will be to them but I keep reminding myself that we can heal, we can get past this. I took the first step, by kicking him out the door. It has only been a couple months, and yes, we are happier, calmer, even with momentary bad nights. We are HEALING, which will take time.
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The somewhat absurd thing (isn't everything about this bloody disease absurd?) is that the kid who gives me the most heartache and anxiety is the one who is probably the healthiest, all things considered. She is the one who screams out for help and uses it when she gets it. She is the big black hole of neediness that can never be filled, and she doesn't relent.
The other two have more codie tendencies. Which isn't easier but it's more convenient for a parent to deal with, because it doesn't have the same urgency on the surface of it.
And I also understand them. I understand what they're doing, what they need, what helps. The third one is a mystery child to me.
They're all in therapy but only the really troubled one is making good use of it. And her school is amazing with adaptations and support. But like I said, she sucks it up like a black hole and just keeps needing MORE. I haven't ruled out inpatient mental health treatment for her again; it was incredibly helpful the last time. And honestly, it was also helpful for the rest of the family. I knew she was safe and I could focus on the other two for a while.
I just keep fighting this damn guilt that I brought this on them by choosing a father for them who wasn't even capable of caring for himself. Who abused them. Who broke the troubled one's spirit by always using her as his emotional garbage can behind my back. When I thought she wasn't even affected by his drinking.
And that guilt is useless. It is what it is. I can't do a thing about it now. And they ARE getting better. They ARE moving forward. There are days like today (when I've spoken with four school officials before the school day starts) that I just want to lie down and cry.
The other two have more codie tendencies. Which isn't easier but it's more convenient for a parent to deal with, because it doesn't have the same urgency on the surface of it.
And I also understand them. I understand what they're doing, what they need, what helps. The third one is a mystery child to me.They're all in therapy but only the really troubled one is making good use of it. And her school is amazing with adaptations and support. But like I said, she sucks it up like a black hole and just keeps needing MORE. I haven't ruled out inpatient mental health treatment for her again; it was incredibly helpful the last time. And honestly, it was also helpful for the rest of the family. I knew she was safe and I could focus on the other two for a while.
I just keep fighting this damn guilt that I brought this on them by choosing a father for them who wasn't even capable of caring for himself. Who abused them. Who broke the troubled one's spirit by always using her as his emotional garbage can behind my back. When I thought she wasn't even affected by his drinking.
And that guilt is useless. It is what it is. I can't do a thing about it now. And they ARE getting better. They ARE moving forward. There are days like today (when I've spoken with four school officials before the school day starts) that I just want to lie down and cry.
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This is hard, lillamy. I'm right there with you Like you, I keep reminding myself all the things you said plus this: There are no perfect families, no perfect children, no perfect people (aside from the one we nailed to the tree.) I also heard this in an alanon meeting and it's really helping me any time I want to jump in and 'help' my teens: We learn more in our failures than in our successes.... if we attempt to minimize the consequences of our children's failures, we will minimize the lessons they learn. I think this is especially true for those of us with teens.
You are a good mom, lilamy. And you help countless other children through the wisdom you share on this site. Take comfort in that.
Like you, I keep reminding myself all the things you said plus this: There are no perfect families, no perfect children, no perfect people (aside from the one we nailed to the tree.) I also heard this in an alanon meeting and it's really helping me any time I want to jump in and 'help' my teens: We learn more in our failures than in our successes.... if we attempt to minimize the consequences of our children's failures, we will minimize the lessons they learn. I think this is especially true for those of us with teens. You are a good mom, lilamy. And you help countless other children through the wisdom you share on this site. Take comfort in that.
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My dad keeps telling me that adversity builds character (then he says "and I'mmmmm sure a character!... he is so cheesy). One day your kids will be adults and will have conquered all of these things that happened, that they are experiencing now and will be telling you how much it made a difference in their life that you chose to leave him, how their life veered onto a better path, because of that gift you gave them by getting out of that situation. This time of healing, transition, is hard, and there are bumps along the way, but realize you are still going in the right direction, like Hammer's post about his Happy Crappy map. Stop guilting yourself about the past and instead be proud of yourself for the present...you are OUT of that situation now.
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Thank you, Ofelie. I recognize everything in that post so much it made me cry.
Especially this:
My 12-year-old is the same way. She says, "Dad isn't interested in anything but himself, he can't see beyond where his next drink is going to come from, and I have plans for my life and I can't let a person like that get in my way just because he happens to be related to me by blood." At 12? At 12, you should still be playing with Barbies some days and listen to pop and dream about boy bands the next.
I love that your daughter was able to talk about her fears. That's so necessary to start dealing with them. Mine doesn't even mention fears. She says she's been to hell so now she's not afraid of anything. And three counselors have told me there's nothing you can do to break through that shell. One of them used that metaphor about the egg -- if you crack a fertilized egg from the outside, the chick inside dies. You have to be patient and wait until the chick starts picking its way out from the inside.
I hate that you understand. I wish nobody else had to. But it feels less lonely to know that others are fighting the same battle...
Especially this:
She is 11, and often says things that would be more like what you would expect of a 45 year old.
I love that your daughter was able to talk about her fears. That's so necessary to start dealing with them. Mine doesn't even mention fears. She says she's been to hell so now she's not afraid of anything. And three counselors have told me there's nothing you can do to break through that shell. One of them used that metaphor about the egg -- if you crack a fertilized egg from the outside, the chick inside dies. You have to be patient and wait until the chick starts picking its way out from the inside.
I hate that you understand. I wish nobody else had to. But it feels less lonely to know that others are fighting the same battle...
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I sit here crying. My heart is with you girls. Ofelie and lilamy....and all who have children who are broken that we have to help put back together again, I feel your pain and I hurt with you. Please see your strength. Seek God for guidance if you can. Know that this too will pass, and your children will be strong and able to cope because of it. You are breaking the chain of addiction.
God Bless. Please feel free to PM me anytime you need support. Tight Hugs.
God Bless. Please feel free to PM me anytime you need support. Tight Hugs.
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Lillamy, ((((hugs))))
OK, enough of nice, I going to tell you this once. Loose the guilt! You did the best you could with what you knew at the time and trust me, they know it.
My girls are now adults with kids of their own and they have the scars of an alcoholic parent as well. They also tell me that I was the reason they held it together as well as they did. In a way we all grew up together.
I don't know if we would be as close as we are now if it wasn't for the shared experiences of living with an alcoholic.
Your friend,
OK, enough of nice, I going to tell you this once. Loose the guilt! You did the best you could with what you knew at the time and trust me, they know it.
My girls are now adults with kids of their own and they have the scars of an alcoholic parent as well. They also tell me that I was the reason they held it together as well as they did. In a way we all grew up together.
I don't know if we would be as close as we are now if it wasn't for the shared experiences of living with an alcoholic.
Your friend,
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M1k3 -- it's useful to have guys around. 
My husband says the same thing. The kids aren't where they are because I've been a bad parent; they're where they are because I've been a good one. If not for me, they would be way way way worse off.
And -- he also says -- the fact that I'm still not satisfied makes me a good parent. Because a cruddy one would just say "good enough" and go about their business. But because I'm a good parent, I can't rest until my kids are in a better place because they deserve that.
That's what he says. I'm trying to listen.
My husband says the same thing. The kids aren't where they are because I've been a bad parent; they're where they are because I've been a good one. If not for me, they would be way way way worse off.
And -- he also says -- the fact that I'm still not satisfied makes me a good parent. Because a cruddy one would just say "good enough" and go about their business. But because I'm a good parent, I can't rest until my kids are in a better place because they deserve that.
That's what he says. I'm trying to listen.
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AMEN!!!! 
Originally Posted by lillamy 
M1k3 -- it's useful to have guys around.
My husband says the same thing. The kids aren't where they are because I've been a bad parent; they're where they are because I've been a good one. If not for me, they would be way way way worse off.
And -- he also says -- the fact that I'm still not satisfied makes me a good parent. Because a cruddy one would just say "good enough" and go about their business. But because I'm a good parent, I can't rest until my kids are in a better place because they deserve that.
That's what he says. I'm trying to listen.
My husband says the same thing. The kids aren't where they are because I've been a bad parent; they're where they are because I've been a good one. If not for me, they would be way way way worse off.
And -- he also says -- the fact that I'm still not satisfied makes me a good parent. Because a cruddy one would just say "good enough" and go about their business. But because I'm a good parent, I can't rest until my kids are in a better place because they deserve that.
That's what he says. I'm trying to listen.
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I don't know if this will make you all feel better or worse. I hope better. I was SO DEVASTATED that my XA/son's father left us. It has been 7.5 months, and I still grieve and miss the ghost of who he was. Our son was only 14 months old when he left. We fought and screamed almost every day of those 14 months.
Lately, I was playing with or just watching my son be his free little spirit self. The thing that is the hardest for me to let go of is the not-sharing of these moments with my X. He has his entertained time and I have mine. I think to myself, "We could be having so much fun as a family! This is so stupid!"
It is finally starting to sink in, that I would be saying the same damn thing if we were all living together. IT WAS NEVER THE WAY I DREAMT IT WOULD BE. Well, sometimes it was, but not enough. It sucked too hard the rest of the time. The real loss here is my dream. The real loss is that of someone who was already gone for far longer than I realized.
Anyway, the whole point of me posting all of this is that you are all reaffirming to me that my son will be SO MUCH LESS SCATHED than he would have been if X had stayed. I am not so sure my 22 m.o. could be such a joyful free spirit with his dad around/his dad around ME every day.
The other day I started hearing my son say, "No big deal." I'm pretty sure I taught him that attitude for when he panics or makes mistakes. That is the ME that couldn't shine in XA's shadow. That is the ME that needs to apply the attitudes she does such a great job of teaching to her son to her own bloody self. I treat my son the way my dream mother would treat me. It's time to start mothering myself that way.
Teenagers still learn by example, I think. One thing that has been difficult for me is that my mom never seemed to heal from having an AFather and 2 XAH's. I'll bet that healing yourselves would be the best gifts you all could give your children now that you can't change all the bad that has happened. Just a hunch. (And maybe my T talked about this a little with me last night.)
Wow! Long post!
Lately, I was playing with or just watching my son be his free little spirit self. The thing that is the hardest for me to let go of is the not-sharing of these moments with my X. He has his entertained time and I have mine. I think to myself, "We could be having so much fun as a family! This is so stupid!"
It is finally starting to sink in, that I would be saying the same damn thing if we were all living together. IT WAS NEVER THE WAY I DREAMT IT WOULD BE. Well, sometimes it was, but not enough. It sucked too hard the rest of the time. The real loss here is my dream. The real loss is that of someone who was already gone for far longer than I realized.
Anyway, the whole point of me posting all of this is that you are all reaffirming to me that my son will be SO MUCH LESS SCATHED than he would have been if X had stayed. I am not so sure my 22 m.o. could be such a joyful free spirit with his dad around/his dad around ME every day.
The other day I started hearing my son say, "No big deal." I'm pretty sure I taught him that attitude for when he panics or makes mistakes. That is the ME that couldn't shine in XA's shadow. That is the ME that needs to apply the attitudes she does such a great job of teaching to her son to her own bloody self. I treat my son the way my dream mother would treat me. It's time to start mothering myself that way.
Teenagers still learn by example, I think. One thing that has been difficult for me is that my mom never seemed to heal from having an AFather and 2 XAH's. I'll bet that healing yourselves would be the best gifts you all could give your children now that you can't change all the bad that has happened. Just a hunch. (And maybe my T talked about this a little with me last night.)
Wow! Long post!
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The other day I started hearing my son say, "No big deal." I'm pretty sure I taught him that attitude for when he panics or makes mistakes. That is the ME that couldn't shine in XA's shadow. That is the ME that needs to apply the attitudes she does such a great job of teaching to her son to her own bloody self. I treat my son the way my dream mother would treat me. It's time to start mothering myself that way.
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