LadyBlue0527

First, I want to say how extremely thankful I am for this board. The moderators, the people, down to (and very important) as to how it's set up. I have tried to find a like board for another reason and what I have found is just stupidly insane (more on that in a moment). I'm hoping someone here can help.

I have been on here since last June and I am now heading for 10 months sobriety and can't be more happy. My husband is a porn addict (denied, denied, denied) and I have put up with being in a roommate status marriage for many years. I traded my silence for his problem for his silence about my drinking. Now that I am working on me I realize that I can't expect him to change but I can make up my mind about the life that I want to live. First, I had to catch him again, which I have done many times before but let it go for the traded silence. This time, I had to do something that he did to me when I was drinking to show him the person that he is (and to have evidence when he tried to deny it). I audio taped him. It didn't take long to get what I needed. I confronted him and of course, he denied it at first and tried to make it seem that I was paranoid which is classic of this situation. Until I told him what I had done. There was a long discussion and he says that he's going to abstain and work on our marriage. This has happened before and this time, I told him this is it. He's still acting like this is no big deal for him. He's still in denial. So I have to have trust and I've stated my case. Caught again and I am out of here. He won't go to counseling because remember, this is not a problem.

So here's my question and the reason for this post. Does anyone know of a forum like this that's for the recovery of sex addiction? Exhaustive searches have netted one that's similar and get this (here's where the stupid insanity comes in), the people who are the offenders and those who have to deal with it all post in the same place.

Can you even imagine at SR if the friends and family forum was intertwined with the addiction forums? How insane would it be for you to read posts from addicts while you were here for support as a family member and after all the pain that you've dealt with?

The huge positive that has come from this is that not once, not even when I was listening to that audio tape and I wanted to throw up and my heart was pounding 100 mph did my mind go to alcohol as a release for those feelings. I simply went home (was in my car listening) and confronted him and told him that I am doing everything I can to better myself and I deserve better and won't live like this any longer. If this wasn't a true test of where I am in sobriety nothing else would be.

I need some support. I just can't find it. Please help, you can pm me if need be. I have also looked up SAA and found another message type of board but it's all email based. I'm hoping to find something like SR.

Thank you all so much for being here.

Seren

Hi LadyBlue,

If you follow this link and go to the second post in this thread, you will find available links to organizations like SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). There, you might be able to find additional resources as well.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html

Good luck!

JustAGirl1971

I have no experience or help to offer. I just really wanted to say great job on this:

And, you're right, you do deserve better.

LadyBlue0527

Seren, thank you I appreciate it. I had looked through our board and should have said that in my last reply. Woe is me and I should be thankful for what I find but the forum is email based. There is nothing local in my area for partners of sex addicts and there are online meetings but I don't see myself sitting behind my husband while I'm in the meeting. His computer is behind mine.He is nosy and has even goes through my things from time to time. Of course he does, a person always assumes that what they're doing is also being done to them. I just laugh.

I also meant to mention that I get the regular excuses from him which are "This is normal, all men do this". Yes, yes it is but they don't plan for it nor do they detach from their spouse and can't get off if they have regular sex because they've desensitized themselves from taking part on their addiction. He doesn't recognize how far reaching this is into his life up to and including the inability to socialize with people.

Funny how I see that because I used to isolate to drink.

This morning we had a conversation about this and his stance is that I just have to trust him. He commented that when I quit drinking he wasn't on me every day. I said no, you weren't but if I did drink there would be no way for me to hide it. He, however, has many ways. I did tell him that it was unrealistic to think he would never engage in being with himself again. However is it realistic to say that I can have a few drinks once in a while? NO.

That's what makes this addiction so hard. Addicts can remove the substance and the people around them while in recovery. As for sex addicts I ask, has anyone watched tv lately? The whole basis on this earth is sex. That's a tough cookie to crumble. Jokes are made consistently on tv now about men and masturbation.

To the addict this feeds the psyche that all if this is normal. Just like an alcoholic who compares themselves to other drinkers . Everyone does it. It's not until there's acceptance that there is normal and not normal then this can't be addressed.

How do you tell your husband that he can't do something that is a normal part of life?

The odds are stacked against me.

Hammer

ONLY because you are messing around in someone else's addiction.

That is pretty much how most of *us* got here, too. So welcome.

You are working a program?

And 10 months in? Good for you.

Wait a second. You did not say you were working a program.

Are you working a program?

dandylion

LadyBlue--have you tried to find a therapist who sopecializes in sexual addictions?

dandylion

LadyBlue0527

Thanks everyone. Yes, I am working a program. I take daily inventory and I have a healthy mind in that this is not my problem. However it is in the sense that I must make a decision to either change it or let go of it. This is it and he is well aware.

In the meantime this does not mean that I should walk around with bluebirds flying out of my butt and singing. I am realistic that I need help with this. I need a codependency meeting if which there are none around here. Not for this situation.

For that reason I am reaching out for help.

dandylion

LadyBlue--have you sought a therapist who specializes in sexual addictions? The reason that I ask--is because this person would be very knowledgable and also know where the resources are available.

dandylion

Hammer

SUPER. You know the "other" room, aka Alanon, operates a little (meaning A LOT) different than the Big Room? I see the newcomer A's from the AA side sometimes come in Alanon with a bit of . . . bluster? . . . is that a good term?

If they stick with it their brains and need-to-control calm down after a few months.

Suppose you are working to towards the point where you figure out that in Real Life you do not get to change much of anything, maybe than other than yourself, and that is often only and best by God's grace and mercy?

You can or not. Your choice. Part of the "Happy, Joyous, and Free" stuff that some of us have sort of figured out works on our side of the wall (Alanon) as well as yours. Our Lives, Our Choices. Same for you.

Absolutely Seriously, I would try Alanon.

What does your sponsor say?

LadyBlue0527

Hammer, I appreciate your replies and I understand the fact that you're trying to help me. I may end up at an alanon meeting. I have no sponsor.

I am devastated right now as I know many of the members in these family and friends forums have been. I have some tough choices to make.

Seren

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now, LadyBlue. I believe I do have some idea of how you are feeling. Some may not agree, but it really is a betrayal of the most intimate sort.

My ex-husband put me into a very humiliating situation financially because of his pornography habits. One month, he began calling those phone lines from the home phone while I was at work...I had no idea. We ended up with a phone bill that was soooooo expensive that month that we had no resources to pay for it. I had to make up some excuse about why the phone bill was so huge and ask for the money from my parents. Fortunately, he never used the phone for that purpose again!

Are there no options for friends and family at the links provided? I'm afraid I have no idea as I have never visited those sites personally.

LadyBlue0527

So then the advice that you're giving is to pay no mind to my husband at all and continue to live in a sexless marriage like roommates? Try reading some of my posts, I may only be 10 months in and I am mindful that may change but I am pretty secure in my sobriety. If what I listened to last Saturday night didn't send me to drinking then nothing will. At least that's how I feel now.

For anyone who is rolling their eyes at this situation let me assure you. I find that looking at porn or satisfying ones self is perfectly healthy. However, not to an obsessive manner where you do it so often that you lose any intimate connection that you have with your spouse. It's just as bad as any drug or alcohol addiction out there. This is not brand new to me, I have dealt with this for the last 15 years. I have caught him and forgiven him umpteen times. I'm DONE with it. Things will change or I WILL leave. There is no more choice.

Now that I am sober I don't know if I can live healthy and continue to deal with this. If there's anything that's been a threat to my sobriety this would be it.

I love him to the ends of the earth but not with the cost associated.

Mango blast

I do think Alanon would be beneficial, along with actively working your recovery in AA. I've met quite a few double winners in Alanon. Plenty of groups would welcome someone dealing a loved one with other addiction problems, including sex addiction.

DesertEyes

Hello LadyBlue, and pleased to "meet" you

Been there, done that, but with my ex wife. Where I learned the most about dealing with these kinds of addictions in a loved one is in meetings of Over-eaters Anonymous. Sex addiction is _nothing_ compared to food addiction. People can live just fine without sex. Imagine having to consume your "drug of choice" three times a day? And _still_ remain sane?

My ex is a member of OA, which is how I came to know about that fellowship. OA does not have a "partner" program the way AA has al-anon. There is no "OA-anon". I spoke with a lot of peeps in OA, and some of the long-timers from their World Service Organisation. They told me they don't need it, that al-anon works just fine and suggested I attend.

What I have learned is that _my_ recovery, ( whether al-anon, CODA, celebrate recovery, etc. ) has nothing to do with what my ex is addicted to. The damage done by addiction is all the same, regardless of the "drug of choice". My recovery has to do with how _I_ protect myself from that damage. It is when I allow an addicts needs to replace my own that my life goes out of balance and I get hurt.

My recovery teaches balance, such that it does not matter what the addict is doing, or not doing. I will be able to respond appropriately, whatever the cirumstances.

Please feel free to continue to post here. The title of the forum uses the word "Alcoholics", but that is just because there are far too many addicitions to list them all. The important part of the title is "Friends and Family".

Mike
Moderator, SR

CodeJob

Hello LadyBlue!

Your situation is interesting because you noted there was an agreement of silence in your marriage regarding your respective addictions. BUT he taped you drinking first, so H broke the silence agreement first. So when you taped him, were you doing it to try to renew the possibility of intimacy in your marriage or for revenge? Now you do not have to answer this of course! But you might want to think about your motivations.

A big rule in your marriage has been disregarded -now by both of you. So you both can wipe the slate clean and both work on your respective issues. You can get some marital counseling together - and maybe apart too. You know you have likely set him up for failure with the boundary you laid down. If you just want to walk away, you can just leave. Years of living like a roommate is alone enough let alone a porn addiction.

As they say, take what you need and leave the rest. Congrats on 10 months sober! You are doing something seriously right!

Stung

I'm definitely not rolling my eyes at you for being upset that your husband looks at porn. Who cares what anyone else finds acceptable anyway? If you don't like it, then you don't like it. Case closed. You do not need to explain or justify why you don't want your husband looking at porn. That's how you feel and that is enough.

My husband is an alcoholic but has a bunch of minor things that he shouldn't be doing in addition to his alcoholism that have since ceased (as far as I'm aware anyway) that were also upsetting to me. What I've learned is that our relationship is made up of choices; his choices and my choices. Sometimes we make choices together and sometimes we make choices based off of each others choices and the ONLY thing in this relationship (ANY relationship, really) that I can control and have any influence over are MY choices.

We can only communicate our feelings to our partners and we'll either be heard and respected and have our feelings honored, or we'll be ignored. From there, we decide how to make ourselves feel better. We cannot force our partners to do anything, if that was possible this board wouldn't really exist.

And congrats on 10 months!!

dandylion

LadyBlue--I am not rolling my eyes. I also don't think anyone should live in a sexless marriage or just "suck it up".

You cannot control him or change him. He is gonna do what he is gonna do. The question is--what are you gonna do?

dandylion

LadyBlue0527

I can't thank any of you enough for every reply in this thread. You've all given me some great input and much to think about .

The rolling the eyes statement comes from within. I recognize that for me I don't have a problem with people who chose to look at it as long as it doesn't create a problem .

Had a great conversation tonight and he knows where I stand.

Hawkeye13

I hear what you are saying LadyBlue and I send you support and hugs.

I wouldn't want a permanent roommate either.

Carlotta

Have you checked out CoDa? They are twelve steps based but encompass codependents with all king of addicted partners. Might be worth googling and seeing if they meet in your area.