lonewalker77

I'm new to this forum and need all the advice I can get. I'm the wife of an alcoholic, dealing with his disease for 7 years. 2 years ago, he went to rehab and was sober for over a year, but then relapsed and has been struggling to quit since then. 2 months ago, I'd had enough and filed for divorce. He went to an outpatient rehab and was improving. I told him I would put the divorce on hold, but then 2 weeks ago he relapse again, and I restarted the divorce process. He went on a 2 week HEAVY binge, and almost died. I was thankfully able to get him in to the hospital and he was there for 5 days detoxing. I had never seen him so bad. He could barely talk/walk for the first 3 days. He's now out of the hospital and he's going to go back to rehab. My problem is that I still plan to go through with the divorce. He has been acting like everything is back to normal between us and hasn't mentioned the divorce. He has been very demanding and needy, which is typical of him when he first starts recovery. I've been very nice to him and supportive of his recovery. But in the back of my head, I know I will be moving on. My question is when do I tell him? I don't want to lead him on, but I also don't want to put added stress on him so early in his recovery. He's so emotionally fragile right now, and already feeling bad about himself. i was hoping to get advice from other RAH on what would be the best course of action.

lovesymphony

Welcome....That's an enormous amount of stress for you to endure. Try not to feel guilty for leaving first of all. Sounds like you've done all you can. I dated an alcoholic and it was hard when he drank and some of the things he would do, despite my own drinking problem. I must say, your husband's case sounds incredibly severe even coming from another alcoholic. I can't say what's best for him but speaking for myself, if a spouse was going to leave me over my alcoholism I'd completely understand. Once given a heads up, there's no reason I'd need it delayed any further if I continued to slip up. I feel very bad for him but it's not reasonable to expect someone else to continue living with that kind of behavior. I wouldn't even want someone to stay with me if I was doing something to harm them so much.

Did you see that there's also a group on here for the loved ones of alcoholics?
Wishing you the best...

Hawkeye13

Sorry for you pain and the situation lonewalker.

I haven't been in this position, but I have read several threads where it
was suggested that you wait for him to get in the rehab and get some support
established and tell him while he is there--you talk to the counselors and let them
know what is going on first of course, and work from there.

I'm no expert, however, and I'm sure others who have actually been through the process
will have more information. You should maybe repost this (if moderators could move it?)
to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section of the site where you may find more people who have knowledge about this.

Take care and don't feel bad or guilty about this in any way--he choose to keep drinking
and it is not your "job" to keep rescuing him for life.

Best to you.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation, but I'm glad that you are doing what's the best for you.

It could be that the rehab centre could offer you some advice on when to talk about the divorce with your husband?

Have you tried AlAnon?

least

I would also wait til he's at rehab so he has support to get thru the finality of the divorce. I would also suggest AlAnon for you for support. I hope you find some peace of mind.

lonewalker77

Thank you all so much for your supportive words. Alanon just tells me to take care of myself and not worry about him, but it was so hard to get him into recovery. It would kill me to sabotage his recovery. I think you all are right. I will talk to his counselors at his rehab to see when the right time to tell him would be. You guys are amazing. I wish he would go on this forum. There is so much love and support!

Cheydinhal

Girl, think about yourself on this one and move on with the divorce right away. The best thing for your soon-to-be-ex is to hit rock bottom and have to go to rehab and learn how to find his Higher Power and pick up the pieces of his own life without relying on you as his crutch. And the best thing for you is to get on with your life and to move on in a healthy way. Prayers for you

EndGameNYC

Mission accomplished. He's getting exactly what he intended to get.

He's a big boy and will eventually need to get on with life on his own.

How much longer are you willing to postpone the beginning of your life?