Firefall

I am very confused and would appreciate input.

My A/Sister is sober, but behaves the same as she did when she was drinking or out on RX drugs.

I thought that when you when you have been sober for a long while and attending AA or NA meetings that those behaviors would change? What am I missing?

zoso77

You're not missing anything. Your eyes aren't lying. And what you're seeing is someone who has abstained from using drugs but is not interested in doing the work to become a healthier person. This happens more often that you think.

I went through something similar with my AXGF. She, too, stopped using drugs but still behaved poorly.

At the end of the day, there's nothing you can do about it. The only thing that's in our control is our own behavior. Keep the focus on your, and allow your sister to be who she is.

ZoSo

BlueChair

Does she have any underlying issues? depression, ADD, OCD, anxiety, biploar?

Firefall

Depression, anxiety and I don't know what else because she said her psych would not tell her. She has meds for both.

Kindeyes

Addiction is just part of the problem.....there's usually a series of behaviors that got them there in the first place.....and if they aren't working on those issues too, it isn't surprising that the behavior is the same.

Not all behaviors are attributable to a mental disorder or "other issues" (sometimes but not always).....often people do what they do simply because it works.

gentle hugs
ke

Firefall

guess learning to lovingly detach is the only choice. I guess that is why the family Dr. and the therapist tell me that I have to decide what I am willing to do... because she has made her choices (no therapy, she says she is good) and that will probably not change.

guess I am feeling cheated. I wanted to share the joy of living and sense of belonging that comes with healthy family relationships. Thought she wanted to be everything she was born to be.

Grief!

FlyerFan

Just because someone attends meetings doesn't mean they will change. They have to desire the change and work hard every single day to achieve and maintain it. It is very possible to be sober and act like a jackass. That is what many people refer to as being a "dry drunk".

Firefall

Thanks for your answers...

penny9175

Firefall, I'm right there with you. My AH is clean right now-3 weeks after a slip up. He's still acting like a teenage boy. Stupid lies (really stupid about things that don't matter) sullen expression when he knows he's lied instead of owning it and acting like a man. He told me yesterday that he doesn't think he can ever stop lying....it just easiest for him. That hit me like bricks in my stomach. How is that a future? How is that hope? What is he offering me? I had to really let it sink in, had to really feel it. I said I can't live with that and asked him what kind of future he's offering me - his answer "A habitual one". While I appreciate the blunt honesty of that, it hurt. It hurts now, will hurt tomorrow, will probably hurt for years, but it's true. I don't want a habitual life, I don't want to be on this roller coaster anymore. I'm devastated at the loss of my two step sons, I'm devastated at the loss of my in laws, I'm devastated for my daughters to lose brothers and a father figure. I'm mourning my family today. But everyone is right, it's these behaviors that were present before the addiction, and these behaviors that need to be corrected. He won't get the help for those problems because his problem in his mind is opiates, not lying or deceit. To me, it's all together.
So, he walked out - took my step sons and made me the villain. I'm the bad guy who kicked Daddy out. I'm the bad guy who broke the family. I'm the bad guy who decided enough was enough and I need to be able to trust the man who I love. Yup, I'm the bad guy. Firefall - behavior is the issue, addiction is just one piece of the behavior.

Firefall

Penny9175
I am so sorry that you are suffering through this.
The loss the family/spouse endure is devastating, daily! The imbalance in the sober family members that is engendered by this behavior of the A is in my mind the contagion that can only be healed by a change in our spirits.
I have only been here a few weeks but with the help of SR members I am feeling like I am getting medicine for my soul. Some days it feels like chemo, I ask is all the pain worth it and I just want to give up.
I too have learned that alcohol/drugs emphasizes the character of the individual. So I ask myself "am I done yet?" I still am unable to answer that question with a calm, loving, assured "yes". So that tells me I am not really done. My Dr a wonderful RA has told me to remember that I get to choose when I am done, I get to choose how I am going to deal with today. I get to choose who I talk to and how much to tell them. And finally that I am not responsible for my first thought just my first action.
Penny you get to choose when to talk and act and when not to, what you tell your kids, be loving, be honest. That is the best thing.

Sorry I don't have more wisdom. I will be praying for us both.