When It's Time to Leave Your Alcoholic/Addict Mate
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When It's Time to Leave Your Alcoholic/Addict Mate
I retrieved this reading from the Stickies. Right now there are a number of members here either in transition or preparing for it and I thought it might help them to read it.
When It's Time to Leave Your Alcoholic/Addict Mate
When is it time to throw in the towel?
Deciding to walk away from a relationship is usually a difficult decision. In a "conventional" scenario it can be tough enough, but add in the element of substance abuse, and there can be added stress.
With an addiction landscape, there may come a time when you feel that you have exhausted all your avenues in trying to live with your mate's substance abuse issues and your own personal well being is now in danger. You have run out of gas and the only healthy option is to throw in the towel and make a dramatic, earth-shaking move.
Like the alcoholic/addict who may hit "bottom" before realizing that it's time to change the course of his or her life or die, the family member or friend can hit bottom as well. With months or even years of weighing this gut-wrenching decision, it can finally culminate from anger to frustration to sheer exhaustion. Either way, you have probably shed buckets of tears, and can't believe that your life has come to this fork in the road.
I know that when I decided to leave my husband because of his out-of-control addictive behavior, I spent what seemed to be a decade of sleepless nights pondering my decision. After all, regardless of his disposition, I did love the man, we had a family and after 20 years had built a life together, but deep down I knew I had to bail. I didn't know who I was anymore, and, like someone drowning, I was desperate to grab on to any piece of wood that might allow me reclaim my life.
Despite the excruciating pain I knew would accompany my decision I had to believe it would be better in the long run for myself and my family. I kept in mind that the big picture of making a new life had to outweigh the almost impossibility that maybe tomorrow would be different if I stayed. I had been down that disappointing road so many times before that I found it helpful to burn those memories in my head as I knew I would call upon them in the future when I felt shaky about my decision.
With all this said, here are a few reasons why one stays in a relationship with the alcoholic/addict possibly longer than they should:
1) Gripped with fear as to what life might be.
2) Feeling that children are better off with two parents rather than one, regardless of the discomfort and tension in the household.
3) The alcoholic/addict is the chief money maker and you would be left financially compromised.
4) Fear of retribution.
5) Fear of being alone.
6) Hanging on to the few shreds of normal behavior that the alcoholic/addict randomly shows (and continuing to hope that one day it might stick).
7) Social, family (extended or otherwise), and peer pressure that you should keep trying to stick it out.
8) Believing that if you "do this" or "do that" things will change.
9) Failure is not an option.
10) Embarrassed and ashamed.
11) What will people say: gossip.
12) Made a commitment -- religious constraints.
13) Poor reflection on self and self-esteem.
And, here are some reasons that might propel you to make a difficult, but life-saving decision:
1) You are mentally and physically exhausted in dealing with the alcoholic/addict's out of control behavior.
2) You can no longer trust what the alcoholic/addict says or does.
3) The alcoholic/addict continues to bully, ridicule, disrespect and blames you for their short comings and failures.
4) You are weary of the constant merry-go-round of rehabilitation attempts that don't seem to stick for long.
5) Realizing that you deserve better.
6) You are no longer fearful of being alone, since you realize that you are already alone, as the alcoholic/addict is living a life apart from you with his or her drug of choice.
7) Everyone's world is revolving around the alcoholic/addict and consequently other family members may be suffering.
8) You are fearful of any communication and find yourself walking on eggshells in an effort as to not engage the alcoholic/addict's anger.
9) No matter how hard you try, the alcoholic/addict keeps raising the bar for you to "do your part" in the relationship; satisfaction is never reached.
10) The thought of spending one more minute of your life like this is beginning to make you physically ill.
11) You no longer care how it looks to others, what anyone says, or what the ramifications may be of your decision; you have the exit gate in your sights.
If you have indeed hit your bottom and are ready to take the painful, but appropriate step to move on with your life without the alcoholic/addict, please don't beat yourself up for not having acted on this resolve sooner. Other than the list mentioned above, people stay in unhealthy relations substantially longer than they should, or know that they should. It is very hard to blow out the candle in the window that might represent hope, but realistically doesn't.
Try and remember that a few years of discomfort, uncertainty, and fear are better than years and years of an agonizing and miserable commitment.
Some may feel that they are a failure if they abandon their relationship. Coming to this conclusion and realizing that the end is upon you, can actually be incredibly empowering. Take some comfort in knowing that you have taken control of the situation. Sometimes it's the bravest option, because it requires you to face what you might think as a failure, but is not. In life, there really is no such thing as a "crash-and-burn" scenario, only lessons to be learned for a better, healthier go around the next time.
~Excerpt From the Book: Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/Addict
by CAROLE BENNETT MA
When It's Time to Leave Your Alcoholic/Addict Mate
When is it time to throw in the towel?
Deciding to walk away from a relationship is usually a difficult decision. In a "conventional" scenario it can be tough enough, but add in the element of substance abuse, and there can be added stress.
With an addiction landscape, there may come a time when you feel that you have exhausted all your avenues in trying to live with your mate's substance abuse issues and your own personal well being is now in danger. You have run out of gas and the only healthy option is to throw in the towel and make a dramatic, earth-shaking move.
Like the alcoholic/addict who may hit "bottom" before realizing that it's time to change the course of his or her life or die, the family member or friend can hit bottom as well. With months or even years of weighing this gut-wrenching decision, it can finally culminate from anger to frustration to sheer exhaustion. Either way, you have probably shed buckets of tears, and can't believe that your life has come to this fork in the road.
I know that when I decided to leave my husband because of his out-of-control addictive behavior, I spent what seemed to be a decade of sleepless nights pondering my decision. After all, regardless of his disposition, I did love the man, we had a family and after 20 years had built a life together, but deep down I knew I had to bail. I didn't know who I was anymore, and, like someone drowning, I was desperate to grab on to any piece of wood that might allow me reclaim my life.
Despite the excruciating pain I knew would accompany my decision I had to believe it would be better in the long run for myself and my family. I kept in mind that the big picture of making a new life had to outweigh the almost impossibility that maybe tomorrow would be different if I stayed. I had been down that disappointing road so many times before that I found it helpful to burn those memories in my head as I knew I would call upon them in the future when I felt shaky about my decision.
With all this said, here are a few reasons why one stays in a relationship with the alcoholic/addict possibly longer than they should:
1) Gripped with fear as to what life might be.
2) Feeling that children are better off with two parents rather than one, regardless of the discomfort and tension in the household.
3) The alcoholic/addict is the chief money maker and you would be left financially compromised.
4) Fear of retribution.
5) Fear of being alone.
6) Hanging on to the few shreds of normal behavior that the alcoholic/addict randomly shows (and continuing to hope that one day it might stick).
7) Social, family (extended or otherwise), and peer pressure that you should keep trying to stick it out.
8) Believing that if you "do this" or "do that" things will change.
9) Failure is not an option.
10) Embarrassed and ashamed.
11) What will people say: gossip.
12) Made a commitment -- religious constraints.
13) Poor reflection on self and self-esteem.
And, here are some reasons that might propel you to make a difficult, but life-saving decision:
1) You are mentally and physically exhausted in dealing with the alcoholic/addict's out of control behavior.
2) You can no longer trust what the alcoholic/addict says or does.
3) The alcoholic/addict continues to bully, ridicule, disrespect and blames you for their short comings and failures.
4) You are weary of the constant merry-go-round of rehabilitation attempts that don't seem to stick for long.
5) Realizing that you deserve better.
6) You are no longer fearful of being alone, since you realize that you are already alone, as the alcoholic/addict is living a life apart from you with his or her drug of choice.
7) Everyone's world is revolving around the alcoholic/addict and consequently other family members may be suffering.
8) You are fearful of any communication and find yourself walking on eggshells in an effort as to not engage the alcoholic/addict's anger.
9) No matter how hard you try, the alcoholic/addict keeps raising the bar for you to "do your part" in the relationship; satisfaction is never reached.
10) The thought of spending one more minute of your life like this is beginning to make you physically ill.
11) You no longer care how it looks to others, what anyone says, or what the ramifications may be of your decision; you have the exit gate in your sights.
If you have indeed hit your bottom and are ready to take the painful, but appropriate step to move on with your life without the alcoholic/addict, please don't beat yourself up for not having acted on this resolve sooner. Other than the list mentioned above, people stay in unhealthy relations substantially longer than they should, or know that they should. It is very hard to blow out the candle in the window that might represent hope, but realistically doesn't.
Try and remember that a few years of discomfort, uncertainty, and fear are better than years and years of an agonizing and miserable commitment.
Some may feel that they are a failure if they abandon their relationship. Coming to this conclusion and realizing that the end is upon you, can actually be incredibly empowering. Take some comfort in knowing that you have taken control of the situation. Sometimes it's the bravest option, because it requires you to face what you might think as a failure, but is not. In life, there really is no such thing as a "crash-and-burn" scenario, only lessons to be learned for a better, healthier go around the next time.
~Excerpt From the Book: Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/Addict
by CAROLE BENNETT MA
Last edited by Ann; 03-10-2014 at 12:09 PM. Reason: Found the author.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Coming to this conclusion and realizing that the end is upon you, can actually be incredibly empowering. Take some comfort in knowing that you have taken control of the situation. Sometimes it's the bravest option, because it requires you to face what you might think as a failure, but is not.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Ann.....that is excellent. I remember how very difficult it was to come to the decision to divorce my XAH. It was very, very, very hard. I dealt with guilt, fear, anxiety, shame, self doubt, you name it. Sometimes there's just no fixing what is broken in a relationship and I hope that the spouses on here don't feel judged for staying or leaving.
It takes two to tango, as the saying goes......and it takes two people to make a solid marriage. Everyone has their limits.....no one else could tell me to stay or go. I had to come to that painful decision alone.
Prayers for all of the people out there dealing with addicted spouses.
hugs
ke
It takes two to tango, as the saying goes......and it takes two people to make a solid marriage. Everyone has their limits.....no one else could tell me to stay or go. I had to come to that painful decision alone.
Prayers for all of the people out there dealing with addicted spouses.
hugs
ke
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The decision to stay or leave must be one of the hardest decisions any of us could make. Sometimes a person wavers, no shame in that, it takes time to decide if there is anything to salvage. Sometimes a relationship can be mended, sometimes the wounds are too deep, but when addiction remains active the odds are near impossible and I don't think I could stay long either.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
The husband of the addict I cared about moved on.
After aeons of trying to help his wife-----he tossed in the towel.
If FB is any guide, he found another nice lady----built a life
with her, and by what little data I can glean......they are loving
life together.
The addict, of course, was FURIOUS. Wanted ME to explain why
after so many years of marriage-----why was she not getting
"regular payments" ----- delivered, no doubt, by express courier to
the scumhole spiderpit crack house cesspool she called home.
What I could never bring myself to tell her directly was:
You HAD a great deal. You trashed it. He moved on. That what
happens when you mistreat people. The courts decided that garnishing
your ex-husbands wages to buoy a crackhouse was bad policy.
And no, you don't get my spare change/lunch money anymore.
(I was not interested in donating any longer to serial-felon charities.)
After aeons of trying to help his wife-----he tossed in the towel.
If FB is any guide, he found another nice lady----built a life
with her, and by what little data I can glean......they are loving
life together.
The addict, of course, was FURIOUS. Wanted ME to explain why
after so many years of marriage-----why was she not getting
"regular payments" ----- delivered, no doubt, by express courier to
the scumhole spiderpit crack house cesspool she called home.
What I could never bring myself to tell her directly was:
You HAD a great deal. You trashed it. He moved on. That what
happens when you mistreat people. The courts decided that garnishing
your ex-husbands wages to buoy a crackhouse was bad policy.
And no, you don't get my spare change/lunch money anymore.
(I was not interested in donating any longer to serial-felon charities.)
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
The only thing leaving will do is to take you out of the front row seat and move you up to the balcony if you don’t do the work.
Some leave, but stay enmeshed. Some leave hoping it will trigger the response that they want. Some leave but hang onto resentments, anger, sadness. Some leave and soon seek validation in the arms of another.
It’s the work that matters… figuring out why you allowed, the owning up, the amends, the letting go, the healing, the finding closure on your own, being able to trust yourself again, self-validation, not repeating, and not passing it down.
Some leave, but stay enmeshed. Some leave hoping it will trigger the response that they want. Some leave but hang onto resentments, anger, sadness. Some leave and soon seek validation in the arms of another.
It’s the work that matters… figuring out why you allowed, the owning up, the amends, the letting go, the healing, the finding closure on your own, being able to trust yourself again, self-validation, not repeating, and not passing it down.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cynical one 
The only thing leaving will do is to take you out of the front row seat and move you up to the balcony if you don’t do the work.
Some leave, but stay enmeshed. Some leave hoping it will trigger the response that they want. Some leave but hang onto resentments, anger, sadness. Some leave and soon seek validation in the arms of another.
It’s the work that matters… figuring out why you allowed, the owning up, the amends, the letting go, the healing, the finding closure on your own, being able to trust yourself again, self-validation, not repeating, and not passing it down.
Some leave, but stay enmeshed. Some leave hoping it will trigger the response that they want. Some leave but hang onto resentments, anger, sadness. Some leave and soon seek validation in the arms of another.
It’s the work that matters… figuring out why you allowed, the owning up, the amends, the letting go, the healing, the finding closure on your own, being able to trust yourself again, self-validation, not repeating, and not passing it down.
Seriously, great wisdom in this post. The day I stop working on myself is the day I stop growing. I can see that now. But I can't lie, I will be taking a lot of long weekends this summer.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by cynical one
The only thing leaving will do is to take you out of the front row seat and move you up to the balcony if you don’t do the work.
Some leave, but stay enmeshed. Some leave hoping it will trigger the response that they want. Some leave but hang onto resentments, anger, sadness. Some leave and soon seek validation in the arms of another.
It’s the work that matters… figuring out why you allowed, the owning up, the amends, the letting go, the healing, the finding closure on your own, being able to trust yourself again, self-validation, not repeating, and not passing it down.
Some leave, but stay enmeshed. Some leave hoping it will trigger the response that they want. Some leave but hang onto resentments, anger, sadness. Some leave and soon seek validation in the arms of another.
It’s the work that matters… figuring out why you allowed, the owning up, the amends, the letting go, the healing, the finding closure on your own, being able to trust yourself again, self-validation, not repeating, and not passing it down.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
But I can't lie, I will be taking a lot of long weekends this summer.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
My List- When is it time to leave your addiction to the addict?
1. When you find yourself up at all hours of the night researching about addiction reading the same message a thousand times and still denying there is a problem because you found a glimmer of hope on one out of a thousand posts.
2. When you use the word "hope" like your addict uses dope.
3. When you find yourself taking a liking to destructive coping mechanisms (insert examples here)
4. When you don't remember that you have a body and soul attached to your head.
5. When you start having really intense cataclysmic dreams on the regular that wake you in a panic.
6. When you start to wonder if you could just acquiesce to life with active addiction.
7. When you can't remember who you were or what life was like before addiction.
8. When your identity has become the table of contents for a self-help book.
9. When others start to notice you have lost that light in your eyes.
10. When you give up on your dreams and forget that you ever had dreams before addiction entered your life.
11. When guilt and shame become your allies and grief is your best friend.
12. When you feel honesty about your feelings means white knuckling your emotions.
13. When you believe that everything will be fine once they stop using.
14. When you convince yourself that if you leave them that they will change for someone else.
15. When you always talk about their potential.
16. When every post on SR or topic of conversations is about them.
17. When you start acting like a CIA agent and you are not a CIA agent.
18. You tolerate poor treatment and you believe you deserved it.
19. You can't remember what you enjoy about life and life without them while you make up stories about how great they are which is usually one or two great memories (compared to a million bad memories) skipping on repeat in your mind.
20. When asked about what you want and need, you say "nothing" or "I don't know."
21. You can't remember when, but you stopped believing in love.
This is what it took to let go of the addict in my life, all of the other addicts in my life, and to come clean about my addiction.
1. When you find yourself up at all hours of the night researching about addiction reading the same message a thousand times and still denying there is a problem because you found a glimmer of hope on one out of a thousand posts.
2. When you use the word "hope" like your addict uses dope.
3. When you find yourself taking a liking to destructive coping mechanisms (insert examples here)
4. When you don't remember that you have a body and soul attached to your head.
5. When you start having really intense cataclysmic dreams on the regular that wake you in a panic.
6. When you start to wonder if you could just acquiesce to life with active addiction.
7. When you can't remember who you were or what life was like before addiction.
8. When your identity has become the table of contents for a self-help book.
9. When others start to notice you have lost that light in your eyes.
10. When you give up on your dreams and forget that you ever had dreams before addiction entered your life.
11. When guilt and shame become your allies and grief is your best friend.
12. When you feel honesty about your feelings means white knuckling your emotions.
13. When you believe that everything will be fine once they stop using.
14. When you convince yourself that if you leave them that they will change for someone else.
15. When you always talk about their potential.
16. When every post on SR or topic of conversations is about them.
17. When you start acting like a CIA agent and you are not a CIA agent.
18. You tolerate poor treatment and you believe you deserved it.
19. You can't remember what you enjoy about life and life without them while you make up stories about how great they are which is usually one or two great memories (compared to a million bad memories) skipping on repeat in your mind.
20. When asked about what you want and need, you say "nothing" or "I don't know."
21. You can't remember when, but you stopped believing in love.
This is what it took to let go of the addict in my life, all of the other addicts in my life, and to come clean about my addiction.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Great list blackandblue!
For me (in addition to the above list)
The anxiety became too much.
Tired of questioning my own sanity.
Tired of questioning my own instincts.
Tired of questioning (in my mind) if is he using or not.
Tired of listening to nonsense.
Tired of not feeling comfortable building a future with him.
Just plain old sick and tired!!
For me (in addition to the above list)
The anxiety became too much.
Tired of questioning my own sanity.
Tired of questioning my own instincts.
Tired of questioning (in my mind) if is he using or not.
Tired of listening to nonsense.
Tired of not feeling comfortable building a future with him.
Just plain old sick and tired!!
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
8. When your identity has become the table of contents for a self-help book.
So I will add to the list....
When you think of writing a self help book because you have been so much worse that the ones already written and you have another 14 chapters you could write about.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 53
I have just joined this site and reading this just made me see that I am not crazy and there are so many other women dealing with the same thing ..I really have to stop giving excuses to myself and face it !! The hardest thing is accepting that nothing will ever be the same or back to normal as much as you cry beg and plead .. I never thought i would read other stories and see just how much i am in the exact same place as others and other spouses are saying exactly what i am hearing .. But are we leaving so they can hit rock bottom ? What if they are functional addicts and have a job and money and a legal script and excuse to be on pills ? My fear is what if he never hits the bottom and why should he have his wish and be able to use and be happy about what ruined our 11 years together ... The functional user has such a good argument to defend there using .. I am always against such a difficult person that would make a lawyer in court feel mentally uncomfortable ..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
My leaving my husband has triggered him to get help. Problem is that he destroyed my trust & our family first. So what he does can't matter to me anymore. The divorce will come no matter what he does in the coming days/weeks, because 2 months of trying can't outweigh 6 months of lieing & putting his family last. He put himself on a path that would have led to his death in a few short years-He was going to widow me, so how can just wait for him to get better so I can take him back? I can't. If in five/ten years, I still have any love for him left, and if he has been sober & a better person that whole time, we can try again.
Does anyone know the statistics with heroin addiction? Can he stay clean without relapsing? I know he has screwed up his brain so much. Will he ever be able to be happy without suboxine or antidepressants? Is there any reason for me to acknowledge, not cling to, but acknowledge, hope that he can someday be the man he hasn't ever been, even if the potential is there somewhere inside him?
Does anyone know the statistics with heroin addiction? Can he stay clean without relapsing? I know he has screwed up his brain so much. Will he ever be able to be happy without suboxine or antidepressants? Is there any reason for me to acknowledge, not cling to, but acknowledge, hope that he can someday be the man he hasn't ever been, even if the potential is there somewhere inside him?
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