No sexual interest because alcoholism?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
No sexual interest because alcoholism?
Hi,
I `m asking me at the moment if it is common for people who abuse alcohol to have or develop decreased sexual interest?
I `m asking because my X and I had so little of it
for the last years .
He drank in the evening and slept on the sofa.
It seems to me like he had taken a sedative and didn`t want to know anything of the world....
Maybe he has a bisexual bias ,too.
I ask me what was he going through? Was it because he didn`t feel love for me first? Or why?
He said always he couldn`t have interest in that because I `m screaming too much.
Maybe he is right in this point, I scream when I get angry....
But on the other hand: I `m not his mother, I was his wife.
What was first? The problems, financial difficulties, unhappy marriage...
OR was it his character which let him take the bottle for solving his problems?
I`m so sad about everything.
In the end he told me I should let him release...
Why?
I`m a cute woman, I have difficulties as well, sometimes I am hotheaded...but why must this destroy a marriage, a love?
I think his alcoholism did the job perfect.
I think if he had tried to solve our problems like a grown up, we could be a couple today!
...sad!
I `m asking me at the moment if it is common for people who abuse alcohol to have or develop decreased sexual interest?
I `m asking because my X and I had so little of it
for the last years .He drank in the evening and slept on the sofa.
It seems to me like he had taken a sedative and didn`t want to know anything of the world....
Maybe he has a bisexual bias ,too.
I ask me what was he going through? Was it because he didn`t feel love for me first? Or why?
He said always he couldn`t have interest in that because I `m screaming too much.
Maybe he is right in this point, I scream when I get angry....
But on the other hand: I `m not his mother, I was his wife.
What was first? The problems, financial difficulties, unhappy marriage...
OR was it his character which let him take the bottle for solving his problems?
I`m so sad about everything.
In the end he told me I should let him release...
Why?
I`m a cute woman, I have difficulties as well, sometimes I am hotheaded...but why must this destroy a marriage, a love?
I think his alcoholism did the job perfect.
I think if he had tried to solve our problems like a grown up, we could be a couple today!
...sad!
Clean since 1/11/14
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 98
I am sorry you are going through this physical abandonment. It has nothing to do with you at all. Do not blame yourself for it. This is his issue not yours.
My AH has sex with me about once a month if I'm lucky. He has no interest in sex with me yet when I check his internet history he is on porn sites for 3-4 hrs a day.
We talk about intimacy a lot. He says he is focused on work, he feels sick, he is tired, it's hard when I bring it up so often because he feels pressured, he is dealing with x or x or x or whatever. I will go a week and pretend everything is great and not talk about sex. Then I blow up because I am feeling so physically needy I can't take not being touched. After the blow up he says "I can't be intimate with you because I am processing everything you said to me. I know intimacy is important to you and I am going to try harder" The cycle goes on and on and on and on.
This has been going on for 4 years.
The truth is. He doesn't care about sex. All he cares about is alcohol.
I can't wait to be free of this insanity.
My AH has sex with me about once a month if I'm lucky. He has no interest in sex with me yet when I check his internet history he is on porn sites for 3-4 hrs a day.
We talk about intimacy a lot. He says he is focused on work, he feels sick, he is tired, it's hard when I bring it up so often because he feels pressured, he is dealing with x or x or x or whatever. I will go a week and pretend everything is great and not talk about sex. Then I blow up because I am feeling so physically needy I can't take not being touched. After the blow up he says "I can't be intimate with you because I am processing everything you said to me. I know intimacy is important to you and I am going to try harder" The cycle goes on and on and on and on.
This has been going on for 4 years.
The truth is. He doesn't care about sex. All he cares about is alcohol.
I can't wait to be free of this insanity.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nottingham UK
Posts: 241
Originally Posted by Trailsky 
. He has no interest in sex with me yet when I check his internet history he is on porn sites for 3-4 hrs a day.
I you want to know what it's like trying to er, actually make it with a real 3d person while drunk, this online simulator is pretty accurate
QWOP
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
I just did an internet search with the words, "alcohol low libido." Every resulting article said that alcohol consumption lowers libido. Most of these articles talk about short term use.
When I cried to my doctor about how I only had sex with my X TWICE in the first 11 months of our son's life, she told me, "Alcoholism causes low libido." I told her about how I saw how much porn he looked at in the internet history. She said, "Addicts will find new addictions, like porn."
My X's actions were a blow to my femininity, my motherhood, my ego, and my heart. I trust my doctor though! And you know what, men have been attracted to me since this break up. I'm not ugly or used up, even though I let my X make me think I was. He just isn't the right person to get an opinion from.
I really believe that if he isn't sorry now, he will be one day. Even if he's on his deathbed.
Making a partner feel unattractive is deflection/projection because they don't like to admit that their beloved alcohol or that THEY are responsible for their lack of desire. So they go seek out new experiences. Then they become dependent on that. Too bad for them.
Besides getting addicted to porn, they can also get addicted to the highs that come with a new relationship, which is why so many people get into relationships right when they try to quit substances. It's all about brain chemicals.
How are YOU going to start getting some healthy chemical balance in your brain today?
When I cried to my doctor about how I only had sex with my X TWICE in the first 11 months of our son's life, she told me, "Alcoholism causes low libido." I told her about how I saw how much porn he looked at in the internet history. She said, "Addicts will find new addictions, like porn."
My X's actions were a blow to my femininity, my motherhood, my ego, and my heart. I trust my doctor though! And you know what, men have been attracted to me since this break up. I'm not ugly or used up, even though I let my X make me think I was. He just isn't the right person to get an opinion from.
I really believe that if he isn't sorry now, he will be one day. Even if he's on his deathbed.
Making a partner feel unattractive is deflection/projection because they don't like to admit that their beloved alcohol or that THEY are responsible for their lack of desire. So they go seek out new experiences. Then they become dependent on that. Too bad for them.
Besides getting addicted to porn, they can also get addicted to the highs that come with a new relationship, which is why so many people get into relationships right when they try to quit substances. It's all about brain chemicals.
How are YOU going to start getting some healthy chemical balance in your brain today?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
P.S. Looking back, I know that my X had a low libido problem even at the start of our relationship (which lasted 7 years). Even before we conceived our son, I had to catch him in the morning most of the time, because a day of work would wear him out too much to get "physical." We conceived our son while he was unemployed!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
[QUOTE=LightInside;4519444]I just did an internet search with the words, "alcohol low libido." Every resulting article said that alcohol consumption lowers libido. Most of these articles talk about short term use.
When I cried to my doctor about how I only had sex with my X TWICE in the first 11 months of our son's life, she told me, "Alcoholism causes low libido." I told her about how I saw how much porn he looked at in the internet history. She said, "Addicts will find new addictions, like porn.[QUOTE]
Like my X.
He watched porno films and he started chatting in his "drinking&smoking evenings"...his new addiction....
I really ask me why I didn`t break up with such a "marriage"....
His true love is ALCOHOL, is addiction, porn....smoking....
He never loved me....
Your question: I have been eating pasta just this minute...
I love it.And it makes me happy!!!It`s all about brain chemistry...
Greetings
When I cried to my doctor about how I only had sex with my X TWICE in the first 11 months of our son's life, she told me, "Alcoholism causes low libido." I told her about how I saw how much porn he looked at in the internet history. She said, "Addicts will find new addictions, like porn.[QUOTE]
Like my X.
He watched porno films and he started chatting in his "drinking&smoking evenings"...his new addiction....
I really ask me why I didn`t break up with such a "marriage"....
His true love is ALCOHOL, is addiction, porn....smoking....
He never loved me....
Your question: I have been eating pasta just this minute...
I love it.And it makes me happy!!!It`s all about brain chemistry...
Greetings
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
This was definitely a problem in our marriage, too. We had a lot of chemistry in the early years so it was a major bummer when our sex life declined. At first, I really thought it was the usual reasons: young kids, my hormones, differences in our sleep rhythms, his health problems. Of course, he blamed it on me because I didn't initiate it as often... never mind that he almost never initiated it.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
This has been a HUGE problem in our marriage too! Most definitely alcohol lowers the libido. Once my rAH was diagnosed with diabetes too, then it completely disappeared. We haven't been intimate in years other than a few times - always initiated by me. I have felt very unwanted for a long time ... this is one of many reasons why our marriage just is not going to work - I can't live like that anymore. I am only 40 ... I deserve to be loved and desired don't I? Of course my kids are my priority and they most definitely will be, but once I am on my own I'm thinking a bit of loving might be nice (with the RIGHT person lol) ...
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Originally Posted by LightInside
P.S. Looking back, I know that my X had a low libido problem even at the start of our relationship (which lasted 7 years). Even before we conceived our son, I had to catch him in the morning most of the time, because a day of work would wear him out too much to get "physical." We conceived our son while he was unemployed!
On construction sites we will sometimes quip if there is someone really dumb, that we do not have about them having kids as they are "Too Dumb to F . . . "
But your guy -- that is a new standard . . . . Too Lazy to F. . . .
There is a joke for that one too -- sometimes guys will joke they should marry an already pregnant woman, as that will save them a lot of work . . . .
Clean since 1/11/14
Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by Hammer
Whole thread is making me laugh.
But your guy -- that is a new standard . . . . Too Lazy to F. . . .
But your guy -- that is a new standard . . . . Too Lazy to F. . . .
Well that just made my day. This thread is very timely as I came home from work today and AH told me and I quote "Tonight nothing is going to happen because I stubbed my toe at work and need to relax" oh good grief!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
All this stuff really messes up minds, as near as I can tell, if they are not already messed.in
About the worse I think I did was look up Anorexic P0rn (would NOT recommend doing that, btw) to see if I would still find Mrs. Hammer attractive if she came back and could not stop the Eating Disorder stuff.
Sort of funny, now with the personality change and behavior that is so offensive . . . . the looks matter not.
Now it is more like a monthly doings with a hooker or something. Dunno. She has no love in it. Just "do me." That IS NOT going to work out long-term. I am really much more of a "woman" (geezz I hate being me sometimes) for that. I liked to live all "tangled. . . " sleep naked tangled, hand slip gropes in passing in the kitchen, scrubbing in the tub . . . all that stuff.
About the worse I think I did was look up Anorexic P0rn (would NOT recommend doing that, btw) to see if I would still find Mrs. Hammer attractive if she came back and could not stop the Eating Disorder stuff.
Sort of funny, now with the personality change and behavior that is so offensive . . . . the looks matter not.
Now it is more like a monthly doings with a hooker or something. Dunno. She has no love in it. Just "do me." That IS NOT going to work out long-term. I am really much more of a "woman" (geezz I hate being me sometimes) for that. I liked to live all "tangled. . . " sleep naked tangled, hand slip gropes in passing in the kitchen, scrubbing in the tub . . . all that stuff.
Last edited by Seren; 03-16-2014 at 05:56 PM. Reason: Removed links from Women's forum
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Nearing 11 mo recovery. No sex in maybe 13 mo? I never had to track this before. My RAH refuses to go to PCP or ED specialist. Nothing happens and I guess I am around enough to confirm this. He is on no meds. Refused to take samples of blue pill... But I get no intimacy either despite pointing out there are work arounds. I just know sometimes when I get edgy - it is bc I've not been touched in eons. Frustrating as too young to live like this and basically think he is a selfish bastard. I guess I need to figure out if I am liberal enough to ask for open relationship. That should go over just as well as marital counseling.
I wish u better luck than me in this regard, that's for sure!
I wish u better luck than me in this regard, that's for sure!
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Posts: 3,581
There are several threads on here about this. Its not unusual.
I don't know if long term alcoholism kills that part of the brain or what. I think SOME men lose their sex drives as they get older anyway its just not something talked about. I know plenty of women in the same boat with non alcoholic/addict spouses and partners.
My husband certainly has and we have been around the block trying to do something about it. He has no physical issues, can get an erection and orgasm, he just has no DRIVE. None. There is no pill for that. If it were the other way around that he had the drive and physical issues we would be in a better situation as there are pills for that.
We have a very physical relationship otherwise, he is very touchy feely and we do have sex here and there. I am unsure how I have dealt with it - it doesn't bother me for really long periods of time and then it will every once in a while. I have thought about taking on a lover. I don't feel right about that, he wouldn't be ok with it either. Don't want to bring lies into my relationship. Can't figure out what the answer is.
Its really not you I promise - he will have the issue with anyone. As for the porn I guess it could be addiction but I think its them grasping to get their mojo back. Its too humiliating that its gone and they keep thinking it will come back.
I don't know if long term alcoholism kills that part of the brain or what. I think SOME men lose their sex drives as they get older anyway its just not something talked about. I know plenty of women in the same boat with non alcoholic/addict spouses and partners.
My husband certainly has and we have been around the block trying to do something about it. He has no physical issues, can get an erection and orgasm, he just has no DRIVE. None. There is no pill for that. If it were the other way around that he had the drive and physical issues we would be in a better situation as there are pills for that.
We have a very physical relationship otherwise, he is very touchy feely and we do have sex here and there. I am unsure how I have dealt with it - it doesn't bother me for really long periods of time and then it will every once in a while. I have thought about taking on a lover. I don't feel right about that, he wouldn't be ok with it either. Don't want to bring lies into my relationship. Can't figure out what the answer is.
Its really not you I promise - he will have the issue with anyone. As for the porn I guess it could be addiction but I think its them grasping to get their mojo back. Its too humiliating that its gone and they keep thinking it will come back.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Wow - I never thought other people had issues with this one due to alcohol!
When We first got together estranged AH wasn't on many meds, and we were very active in the bedroom, but in the last year it felt like I practically had to beg for it. If he was sober, and I didn't touch him sexually if he wasn't, he blamed it on his meds, or he "isn't a nighttime guy" or I'm just a nymph, or the age old, "you are too young for me hon - old guys don't need it that much (he's 50, I'm 38).
But, I'm guessing there was more to it... Huh.. Who knew
When We first got together estranged AH wasn't on many meds, and we were very active in the bedroom, but in the last year it felt like I practically had to beg for it. If he was sober, and I didn't touch him sexually if he wasn't, he blamed it on his meds, or he "isn't a nighttime guy" or I'm just a nymph, or the age old, "you are too young for me hon - old guys don't need it that much (he's 50, I'm 38).
But, I'm guessing there was more to it... Huh.. Who knew
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WhenI logged on the title of the thread right below this one: I miss the part of him that withered. Got a good laugh.
My H became hypersexual at one point. Like a dog in heat/adolescent boy. Stumbling around, nonexistent hygiene. Big turn off. I was hoping something would wither. It was creepy.
My H became hypersexual at one point. Like a dog in heat/adolescent boy. Stumbling around, nonexistent hygiene. Big turn off. I was hoping something would wither. It was creepy.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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My RAH was in rehab a couple of years ago. Since then there has been maybe sex 4 times? I miss it. Our doctor gave him the name of a urologist and he knows he should go but can't find the time. It is frustrating. I think between the alcohol, getting older and putting on some weight it is doing something to his testosterone.
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My experience differs a bit since my XAH has so MANY addictions...lol...though he did use intimacy and sex as a manipulative weapon, so there were certainly dry spells, but only if I was the one who wanted it.
In hindsight, in my case, the driest times were during affairs...
In hindsight, in my case, the driest times were during affairs...
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