valintine22

I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic, and feel lost. There was no diagnosis of alcoholism if that is a real thing, but he used to drink an 18 pack every day and when he had liquor he became very angry and hurt full. He decided to quit back in September when he told me he wanted a divorce because I always had a problem with him going to the bar. He realized he made a mistake and told me he quit and that he would stay quit if I came back. I agreed that I would come back if he promised he was serious about quitting. He did this in September and has remained sober to the present day.

I am empathetic and understood and still understand how hard this was going to be for him and wanted to be here for him during his hard times. Recently we have run into problems I am not sure how to handle. He is trying to bargain with me by saying he wasn't as bad of an alcoholic as I think and that we should try to just have a drink every now and then. (keep in mind we tried this once before and he ended up getting back to here he was.) He says he has matured and will have a better handle on it, he is 27 and I am 23. He also says that he doesn't want to recent me again because I wont let him drink.

I am firm in my position that if he want to be with me there will be no more alcohol. I have even stopped drinking to help him out. There is no alcohol in our house and we never go to bars or old hangout places where drinking used to be. I feel helpless because the fate of my relationship rests in him being serious in quitting, and I am tired of being looked at as the bad person who wants him to quit, it was originally his idea but now I am the one keeping him to it.

What can I say to him to let him know it is the addiction talking and he just needs to stay strong because that doesn't work. He wont attend meetings, because he doesn't want to talk to others about his feelings. He says the only thing he finds happiness in is drinking, that is the only way to have fun. I need ideas to show him there is more out there, or will that come with time. Will all my answers come with time??

I fell helpless, and lost and don't know what to do.

Anna

I think it's good that you have firm boundaries. There is nothing you can say that will convince him he is an alcoholic. That is something he will need to decide on his own. Have you considered AlAnon as a support for yourself?

Aarryckha

I am 100% in agreement with Anna. That was me a year ago. My boyfriend of 6 years gave me an ultimatum of I needed to quit or he would leave. I assured him I would and began lying to him about it and sneaking alcohol and my erratic behavior was due to the medication I was on. He ended up leaving and I don't blame him at all.

It's something he has to figure out for himself.

valintine22

Thank you for your response, I have not looked into AlAnon I thought doing this kind of forum would be enough support, or at least get advice. We do go to a counselor.

Hawkeye13

There is no such think as drinking "a little bit" for an alcoholic (speaking as one)
so you are quite right to hold to zero consumption.

I agree that AlAnon would be helpful for face-to-face support for you.

He needs to work a program if he's pushing you to "allow" him to drink.
Not drinking is not the same as recovering from alcoholism in my opinion.

He has to want to stop from the inside for any long term success I'm afraid--
just doing it for you may not be enough.

Take care and best wishes for a positive outcome.
Keep posting (check out the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" forum on this site and let us support you!

jaynie04

Hi V and welcome. That waffling that he is doing now is a huge part of being an alcoholic. For a lot of us alcohol didn't always cause problems, and a lot of us spend years trying to recreate that time in our lives. We sift through piles of evidence that alcohol is hurting us and our loved ones to find times when we were able to have one or two. And then we focus on those times as rationalization and justification. Denial is a huge part of alcohol abuse.

That "one or two drinks" socially mentality is exactly what keeps us stuck. I don't know him but when someone is hedging to drink again in any capacity, that is usually not a good sign. Instead of focusing on recreating a different way of living without substances, it becomes a period of deprivation, something akin to a fast. When someone fasts they know it will end, they endure it. That is what not drinking with the idea of moderating feels like to someone with a problem. You are very wise to be concerned.

Raider

I'm sorry you are in this situation at such a young age (or any age). I don't have any great advice. At some point though, you'll have to just step out of the way and let him do his thing. Praying for you.

Spinach

It's fantastic that you've stopped drinking, it helps to show him your doing something for him and removes problems from just being in the house.
Has he had any help?
Keep firm boundaries, and tell him to stay strong.
John

valintine22

Thank you so much for the support, I really appreciate it. Last night he brought up the idea again about having a couple of drinks and I told him "I have made the adult decision to live an alcohol free life." I Also told him that he has to the ability to make his own decision as well. If he choses my way of life that is awesome and I will be here to support him but if he doesn't then........ (I just don't say anything because that part makes me sad)

About sobriety being different then recovery. This had suck with me a lot since yesterday and it makes a lot of sence. He doesn't feel whole without drinking, doesn't know how to have fun unless drinking is involved, does know how to get enjoyment out of life. When he does fully commit, how does he go about recovering? is it the 12 steps?

flutter

He obviously wants to drink again. I think it's great you have boundaries in place, are you prepared to follow through? If and when he fully commits, he can get help to learn how to live sober. Whether that is through meetings, counseling, other group options, etc.. he's not qualified to become his own 'treatment provider', none of us are. It's a whole life change, without the alcohol, which he sees as his 'fix' to most things, he will have to learn all new ways to live without it, and sometimes a counselor, the steps, outpatient rehab, etc can help with that.

But.. He isn't ready. I hope you check out alanon, this addiction stuff affects everyone around it, and often none of us are equipped to handle it alone and without new tools to help us.

WhoDey

Valentine ... I don't have any quick answers for you, but I was really struck by your posts. As others have said, it is great that you have firm boundaries. It's obvious how much you want to help your husband, but there is only so much you can do, which is why it's so important for you to have boundaries. You can't make him choose sobriety. Only he can do that.

You are not alone. Reach out for support from those going through the same thing.

FeelingGreat

Hi valentine, he sounds like he's about to relapse, or may have already, and wants to get it out in the open. It's very common for alcoholics to think they can drink again after a period of sobriety. I might have done this myself if I hadn't had SR to teach me that alcoholics can't moderate.
The fact that he's going to you for permission is a red flag. It's like he wants you to take control of his alcoholism, not him.
It's upsetting for you, but it sounds like it's a matter of time before he drinks again (if not already) and you will need to think about how you will react. Is there any chance of him getting support from AA or some other program?

valintine22

He refuses to go to AA and join any meetings. I am not sure if I know how I am supposed to react if he relapses. Is relapse inevitable? Do people willing to quit go through that? I have also looked into Al anon groups however I am busy with going to school, working and my sons school that it conflict with our schedule that is why I am hoping and have felt a lot of support through this site so far. I am scared though because as everyone keeps saying he is not ready to quit and sounds like he will be or has been drinking, what am I supposed to do then? If he does cross the boundaries I set.....

Nonsensical

Relapse is not uncommon, but it's not inevitable. However, your husband's attempt to negotiate some drinking arrangements with you and unwillingness to work on being happily sober are not good signs.

Make sure you communicate your boundaries to him so there is no uncertainty. I can't tell you where to set those boundaries, but once you set them you must be willing to make a stand. If he violates a boundary and you let it slide it is likely to encourage more violations.

I am very sorry for your troubles. Please take care of yourself and your son.

flutter

Relapse is not inevitable and it is not 'part of' recovery as some people like to say. Once I decided to stop, nothing could make me start again. I hope he gets there at some point.

DoubleBarrel

Relapse IS inevitable if you are the only thing that separates him from the bottle.

In my opinion he isn't done yet. His words and actions are not those of a recovering person. He might be sober, but I would bet money on him going back to his old ways.

As for what to do, you have to decide what the consequences are going to be before you have a problem, so that when it happens, you will do what you committed to. Its gonna be too hard for you emotionally when you are in the middle of it.

Set your boundaries, and be prepared to enforce them. You have no ability to talk sense to him, probably, nor should you.

Sorry about your situation, its not a good one.

GreenEggsAndHam

Yep, all of this. Stand firm.