Here's my song.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 9
Here's my song.
I went looking for a place to share my story this morning because I learned a long time ago, that sharing our experiences honestly with others helps us to honor them, no matter how dark or difficult they are. And, although I have been living with my dark song a long time, a looming event may be occurring, sooner than later, and it is on my mind more than I want it to be. So, I Googled: "support for adult siblings of drug addicts" and instantly found this forum. After reading a few past posts, I'm thinking I may have found the right place. I hope so.
I have a sister who "died" the moment she took heroin into her veins. For the first time in her life she got free of need: for love, for care from another, or understanding, acceptance, or to be seen, heard and enjoyed. She was 17, I was 20, pregnant with my first child.
We have parents who do not love anyone but themselves. They are flat, shallow people who are both extremely insecure, yet, are with out a single inhibition. One is a clown, the other a door to door salesman; they are both dancing marionettes. They divorced each other when I was seven--my sister was five, and my other sister four.
I, the intellectual, found order and sanity at school. I stayed there until I become a teacher. My sister day dreamed, tuned out, found the guitar, wrote poetry in song, picked the strings like an angle, and tried to accept Jesus. She had fire in her green eyes that burned for love or something. She never found it, but a syringe full of heroin finds her; it assuages her heart to refrain, forever. My other sister hung out with the neighbors for as long as she could, and sometimes even overnight. My mom was a Joan Crawford.
Ten years later my sister isn't sure which trick impregnated her, but giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, does not revive my sister's heart. She is in prison during the pregnancy, and then returns there three months after my niece is born. We each (my mother, my other sister. and me) attempt to raise my sister's daughter, interrupted periodically by my sister's releases from prison detention. Family dysfunction can not accomplish legal restraint to protect my niece from her mother. Each time, my sister is released, she sets up house with some guy, and demands her custody rights to her daughter. Each time, my niece attends a very dark education. She is twenty-six now, attempting sobriety from severe alcoholism.
Last year my mother had surgery to remove a blood clot from her brain. Mom is as tough as they come, she's doing all right now, even at 79. She just keeps dancing, no matter what; she can't hear anyone, but her own song she sings about how lonely she is.
This time my sister, who is now 58 is doing time in solitary confinement, at the local jail, down town near the street where I work, at the local school. Her mental disorders disable her to learn at all from consequence or suffering. Apparently, she keeps engaging violent acts to result further isolation. This recent detention has lasted about three years. Just long enough for my mother to recover somewhat from my sister's last release from prison. Apparently my sister is due to be released again this May. I have not had any contact with my sister for the past five years (nor my father for that matter. I wish I did not have to have contact with my mother either, but she would become homeless if I did not send her money each month to financially cover what SS doesn't. I work hard to keep my distance.) I do not understand how or why my sister will be able to get released, but I gave up trying to understand, or to get clear answers to questions about anything that involves my family members of origin.
Mom describes my sister's mental state to be currently worse than ever. Maybe she is making a case to take my sister in one last time, "temporarily" of course. Or maybe Mom will find the courage and the strength to say "no" to her daughter this time, and maybe I'll be passing my sister by, pushing a cart along the street I drive, to get to work each day. It usually takes about a year or so before the local police catches up with her, and she is arrested once again, for drugs, or some crime she commits on another.
Gratefully, I am safe and secure by my employment, emotionally supported by a wonderful man, and for the first time in my life I know what it is like to be really loved and cared for. And I have a lovely daughter, and a beautiful son, all grown up now, doing fine, and I love them so very much.
Yet, despite working through the 12 steps with a sponsor in CODA for 10 years, psychological counseling for the past 20 years, and consistently continuing therapy for the past 8 years, I still don't get the application of "acceptance." I try to understand that it would perhaps free me to more enjoy the life I have built for myself and my own children. But it all still hurts so very much. I am also clear that it is because I constantly sought education, and therapy that I am able to be living the excellent life I do enjoy most days. And still, I am fearfully full of dread as my sister is due for another release, and tear up every time I think of her.
So, I'm reaching out to all you good people who are also caught in the middle like me, awake, and suffering for loving the addict, or the alcoholic, and perhaps too are still taking care of the dysfunctional parents or not so dysfunctional parent. There seems to be so much support for everyone else. I want to be part of supporting each other as well.
If you are still reading. Thank you. I hope my share has blessed you in some way.
I have a sister who "died" the moment she took heroin into her veins. For the first time in her life she got free of need: for love, for care from another, or understanding, acceptance, or to be seen, heard and enjoyed. She was 17, I was 20, pregnant with my first child.
We have parents who do not love anyone but themselves. They are flat, shallow people who are both extremely insecure, yet, are with out a single inhibition. One is a clown, the other a door to door salesman; they are both dancing marionettes. They divorced each other when I was seven--my sister was five, and my other sister four.
I, the intellectual, found order and sanity at school. I stayed there until I become a teacher. My sister day dreamed, tuned out, found the guitar, wrote poetry in song, picked the strings like an angle, and tried to accept Jesus. She had fire in her green eyes that burned for love or something. She never found it, but a syringe full of heroin finds her; it assuages her heart to refrain, forever. My other sister hung out with the neighbors for as long as she could, and sometimes even overnight. My mom was a Joan Crawford.
Ten years later my sister isn't sure which trick impregnated her, but giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, does not revive my sister's heart. She is in prison during the pregnancy, and then returns there three months after my niece is born. We each (my mother, my other sister. and me) attempt to raise my sister's daughter, interrupted periodically by my sister's releases from prison detention. Family dysfunction can not accomplish legal restraint to protect my niece from her mother. Each time, my sister is released, she sets up house with some guy, and demands her custody rights to her daughter. Each time, my niece attends a very dark education. She is twenty-six now, attempting sobriety from severe alcoholism.
Last year my mother had surgery to remove a blood clot from her brain. Mom is as tough as they come, she's doing all right now, even at 79. She just keeps dancing, no matter what; she can't hear anyone, but her own song she sings about how lonely she is.
This time my sister, who is now 58 is doing time in solitary confinement, at the local jail, down town near the street where I work, at the local school. Her mental disorders disable her to learn at all from consequence or suffering. Apparently, she keeps engaging violent acts to result further isolation. This recent detention has lasted about three years. Just long enough for my mother to recover somewhat from my sister's last release from prison. Apparently my sister is due to be released again this May. I have not had any contact with my sister for the past five years (nor my father for that matter. I wish I did not have to have contact with my mother either, but she would become homeless if I did not send her money each month to financially cover what SS doesn't. I work hard to keep my distance.) I do not understand how or why my sister will be able to get released, but I gave up trying to understand, or to get clear answers to questions about anything that involves my family members of origin.
Mom describes my sister's mental state to be currently worse than ever. Maybe she is making a case to take my sister in one last time, "temporarily" of course. Or maybe Mom will find the courage and the strength to say "no" to her daughter this time, and maybe I'll be passing my sister by, pushing a cart along the street I drive, to get to work each day. It usually takes about a year or so before the local police catches up with her, and she is arrested once again, for drugs, or some crime she commits on another.
Gratefully, I am safe and secure by my employment, emotionally supported by a wonderful man, and for the first time in my life I know what it is like to be really loved and cared for. And I have a lovely daughter, and a beautiful son, all grown up now, doing fine, and I love them so very much.
Yet, despite working through the 12 steps with a sponsor in CODA for 10 years, psychological counseling for the past 20 years, and consistently continuing therapy for the past 8 years, I still don't get the application of "acceptance." I try to understand that it would perhaps free me to more enjoy the life I have built for myself and my own children. But it all still hurts so very much. I am also clear that it is because I constantly sought education, and therapy that I am able to be living the excellent life I do enjoy most days. And still, I am fearfully full of dread as my sister is due for another release, and tear up every time I think of her.
So, I'm reaching out to all you good people who are also caught in the middle like me, awake, and suffering for loving the addict, or the alcoholic, and perhaps too are still taking care of the dysfunctional parents or not so dysfunctional parent. There seems to be so much support for everyone else. I want to be part of supporting each other as well.
If you are still reading. Thank you. I hope my share has blessed you in some way.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by Canary6 
Gratefully, I am safe and secure by my employment, emotionally supported by a wonderful man, and for the first time in my life I know what it is like to be really loved and cared for. And I have a lovely daughter, and a beautiful son, all grown up now, doing fine, and I love them so very much.
Yet, despite working through the 12 steps with a sponsor in CODA for 10 years, psychological counseling for the past 20 years, and consistently continuing therapy for the past 8 years, I still don't get the application of "acceptance." I try to understand that it would perhaps free me to more enjoy the life I have built for myself and my own children. But it all still hurts so very much. I am also clear that it is because I constantly sought education, and therapy that I am able to be living the excellent life I do enjoy most days. And still, I am fearfully full of dread as my sister is due for another release, and tear up every time I think of her.
Yet, despite working through the 12 steps with a sponsor in CODA for 10 years, psychological counseling for the past 20 years, and consistently continuing therapy for the past 8 years, I still don't get the application of "acceptance." I try to understand that it would perhaps free me to more enjoy the life I have built for myself and my own children. But it all still hurts so very much. I am also clear that it is because I constantly sought education, and therapy that I am able to be living the excellent life I do enjoy most days. And still, I am fearfully full of dread as my sister is due for another release, and tear up every time I think of her.
You mentioned acceptance. It has really helped me as all my worry and codie behaviors did nothing to change things. It only made me sick. I do practice acceptance, it has led me to the step of Let go and Let God - which hasn't completely happened yet. Still struggling with that one myself. I'm sorry you are struggling. Sending good wishes for a good day and know we can give our fears away to one who is better equipped to handle them.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I am so glad you found us. Your story has touched my heart and I am so very sorry for what brings you here.
I think the acceptance part for me is not accepting or finding "why" because I don't know that ever happens, ever. However, I think the accepting is knowing that you have exhaused everything you can do to help them. That you are accepting you cannot will her to do the right thing, you cannot will her to be well, that you have no control over the situation.
She is your sibling. It is a mixed pot of love, anxiety, and resentment when we still love someone who has addiction. Mixing mental issues into the pot makes it worse. My sister and brother in law are both police. They tell me of repeat offenders who they believe panic once on the outside and keep doing things to land them in jail, because that is all they know anymore. Maybe that is what has happened to her. You will not be able to follow her thought process unless she recovers. This is frustrating, but should also be a relief.
I just want to encourage you to continue to post here. You will receive lots of support and it is a way to let your feelings out.
God Bless.
I think the acceptance part for me is not accepting or finding "why" because I don't know that ever happens, ever. However, I think the accepting is knowing that you have exhaused everything you can do to help them. That you are accepting you cannot will her to do the right thing, you cannot will her to be well, that you have no control over the situation.
She is your sibling. It is a mixed pot of love, anxiety, and resentment when we still love someone who has addiction. Mixing mental issues into the pot makes it worse. My sister and brother in law are both police. They tell me of repeat offenders who they believe panic once on the outside and keep doing things to land them in jail, because that is all they know anymore. Maybe that is what has happened to her. You will not be able to follow her thought process unless she recovers. This is frustrating, but should also be a relief.
I just want to encourage you to continue to post here. You will receive lots of support and it is a way to let your feelings out.
God Bless.
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