How to let go?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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How to let go?
As I posted earlier, I picked my husband up from the hospital this morning because he'd been out and had a seizure while doing coke.
He's asleep right now and the boys are with my mom, going to a movie.
They weren't here for this. I need to make important decisions now. I told his mother, who was just here visiting from UK. She said she is thinking about flying back out here. I don't know what good that will do, because it won't solve any problems.
The biggest worry I have right now is not whether me and the boys will be ok, or whether I can make it on my own, because I know the answer to both questions is yes. I don't feel much empathy toward him anymore, either. I just feel numb. My biggest worry is still that he's going to die, at 35 years old. If I leave, I feel it it's inevitable. It makes me so sad for my boys! They are attached to their daddy. I keep having these thoughts of finding him dead if I leave. Seeing him in a hospital bed made that more real. And the sad part was I didn't hug him or hold his hand or tell him I loved him. I looked at him with contempt. I felt disgusted my him. Here is this grown man in the hospital for partying. He's not a 20-year-old frat boy. He's 35 and he has kids, a job, a car payment.
How do you find a way to let go of the need to make sure they're ok? The romantic love side is not there anymore. If it were just me, walking away would be so much easier. I only worry about keeping my bosh' father on this earth. I'm so sad today.
He's asleep right now and the boys are with my mom, going to a movie.
They weren't here for this. I need to make important decisions now. I told his mother, who was just here visiting from UK. She said she is thinking about flying back out here. I don't know what good that will do, because it won't solve any problems.
The biggest worry I have right now is not whether me and the boys will be ok, or whether I can make it on my own, because I know the answer to both questions is yes. I don't feel much empathy toward him anymore, either. I just feel numb. My biggest worry is still that he's going to die, at 35 years old. If I leave, I feel it it's inevitable. It makes me so sad for my boys! They are attached to their daddy. I keep having these thoughts of finding him dead if I leave. Seeing him in a hospital bed made that more real. And the sad part was I didn't hug him or hold his hand or tell him I loved him. I looked at him with contempt. I felt disgusted my him. Here is this grown man in the hospital for partying. He's not a 20-year-old frat boy. He's 35 and he has kids, a job, a car payment.
How do you find a way to let go of the need to make sure they're ok? The romantic love side is not there anymore. If it were just me, walking away would be so much easier. I only worry about keeping my bosh' father on this earth. I'm so sad today.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Emmy, I'm sorry. Are you working your own recovery program and do you have enough support around you? Call your sponsor or go to a meeting tonight. ((hugs))
Do you know anything about rehab centers near you? The one my husband went to took people in immediately if there was room available. Tell him to get in the car and if he does, drive him there. If they need him in detox first, ask how that works and where. Yes, probably a codie reaction and many here will shake their heads. It's simply if he refuses to go - most likely - or leaves there you've really done all you can. If he does go, it doesn't mean he may not relapse or anything will change, but it's a place he can learn the skills he needs. What he does with that knowledge is completely up to him, but right now he probably doesn't have a clue.
It's not the stage of life, it's that his brain is physically and mentally screwed up. He is unable to stop on his own. He will probably resist getting help. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about anything else -- he is unable to care about anything else other than the next drink or hit that will make his brain feel "normal" for a short bit again.
Is there anyone you can call to turn him over to? I finally had to do that and it was the best thing I ever did. It wound up being his boss (owner of the company) and manager, but now months later I can see clearly how many others I could have called. I felt so alone and now I realize I didn't need to be.
It's okay to walk away or throw him out. Putting yourself and the boys first is a very good thing. This is a chronic progressive disease. If it kills your husband, it'll happen with or without you there. Without you picking up the pieces, he'll have to learn to deal with himself.
Do you know anything about rehab centers near you? The one my husband went to took people in immediately if there was room available. Tell him to get in the car and if he does, drive him there. If they need him in detox first, ask how that works and where. Yes, probably a codie reaction and many here will shake their heads. It's simply if he refuses to go - most likely - or leaves there you've really done all you can. If he does go, it doesn't mean he may not relapse or anything will change, but it's a place he can learn the skills he needs. What he does with that knowledge is completely up to him, but right now he probably doesn't have a clue.
It's not the stage of life, it's that his brain is physically and mentally screwed up. He is unable to stop on his own. He will probably resist getting help. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about anything else -- he is unable to care about anything else other than the next drink or hit that will make his brain feel "normal" for a short bit again.
Is there anyone you can call to turn him over to? I finally had to do that and it was the best thing I ever did. It wound up being his boss (owner of the company) and manager, but now months later I can see clearly how many others I could have called. I felt so alone and now I realize I didn't need to be.
It's okay to walk away or throw him out. Putting yourself and the boys first is a very good thing. This is a chronic progressive disease. If it kills your husband, it'll happen with or without you there. Without you picking up the pieces, he'll have to learn to deal with himself.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Step 1=accepting that you have no controll. You dont need to like it, just to accept that you cant stop him...this recent seizure being proof.
Step 2=believing that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity
Step 3=made a decision to turn our lives over to a "God" OF OUR UNDERSTANDING.
By practicing these steps we learn to turn the outcome over to God and let go of something we never had any control over to begin with. Sorry for your boys and your struggle.
Step 2=believing that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity
Step 3=made a decision to turn our lives over to a "God" OF OUR UNDERSTANDING.
By practicing these steps we learn to turn the outcome over to God and let go of something we never had any control over to begin with. Sorry for your boys and your struggle.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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I have struggled with the same. I had him here too long so I could try to contain or minimize any damage to him and the kids. I thought I could keep it from getting out of control. If I didn't he could die, get an accident, etc...which would devastate the kids.
But I was losing my mental health in the process and really was kidding myself that these bad things couldn't happen if he was still home. I was anxious all the time. I am still trying to let go that need of protecting him from falling apart. I have begun to realize that unfortunately I can't. If it happens my kids will be devastated but it was his choices and his doing. I cant protect them from everything in life. In the meantime I am trying to focus and myself and my children and I am much healthier and happier this way. The anxiety has decreased and I have found I go longer periods of time without the worry about him.
But I was losing my mental health in the process and really was kidding myself that these bad things couldn't happen if he was still home. I was anxious all the time. I am still trying to let go that need of protecting him from falling apart. I have begun to realize that unfortunately I can't. If it happens my kids will be devastated but it was his choices and his doing. I cant protect them from everything in life. In the meantime I am trying to focus and myself and my children and I am much healthier and happier this way. The anxiety has decreased and I have found I go longer periods of time without the worry about him.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Emmy, I am terribly sorry you are having to experience this. As a mother, I understand what it's like to hurt for your children. I am offering up prayers for all of you. Prayers and faith are what have helped me through life's difficulties. God always seems to have the right answers at the right time when I am willing to let go and pay attention to him. On the flip side, I get myself into the most trouble when I try to do things my way. That boils down to ignoring red flags and tuning him out. Your love and concern for your children is apparent. Care for yourself first and you will be doing the best you can for them. Children are incredibly intuitive. They sense what we are feeling even if we don't verbalize it, so your well-being is critical to their own feelings of safety and happiness. I don't remember your kids' ages, but letting them know that daddy is sick in age-appropriate ways is important. Assure them that they are safe and will always be well-cared for. Try to laugh as much as possible and say yes as often as you can. You are a wonderful mom. Hugs and prayers, Emmy.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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You have to come to accept that he is an adult making adult choices to kill himself slowly and thats the sad reality. Addiction is awful.
You have to get to a point where you choose yourself and your boys and nothing else matters.
I know it hurts. I worry about separated AH every day but he is choosing to live this way and has to deal with consequences. Meanwhile, I have to be away from him so I can be the best version of myself for myself and my children.
You have to get to a point where you choose yourself and your boys and nothing else matters.
I know it hurts. I worry about separated AH every day but he is choosing to live this way and has to deal with consequences. Meanwhile, I have to be away from him so I can be the best version of myself for myself and my children.
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My biggest worry is still that he's going to die, at 35 years old. If I leave, I feel it it's inevitable. It makes me so sad for my boys!
He decided to (after a few months of sobriety) keep drinking, and he will probably drink himself to death.
The thing is -- me staying with him would not have changed that. The only thing that would have changed was that we would all have gone down with him. Staying with an addict because you're afraid they will die is like deciding to stay in a burning building with someone because they refuse to leave.
I honestly also don't know what's worse -- having kids who miss their dad because they can't be with him and maybe have to lose him to addiction, or having kids who have rejected their dad and say "I don't care if he dies, I'm not going to his funeral, I'm done with him." The latter is what my kids are saying. I waited too long to leave, and they have NO positive memories left that aren't overshadowed by the negative ones.
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I got to a point where I could not just hang on any longer, treading water, while he chose to drown. I was starting to get seriously sucked into the vacuum he was creating & I finally saw that it WAS a choice on my part. Even if it was a choice I didn't particularly CARE for, I realized I also had no control in the matter because I could not change his mind or his decisions no matter how much I wanted to or tried. And trying had exhausted me in ways I couldn't even describe - physically, emotionally, spiritually. It was a matter of self-survival for me.
I'm so sorry this is happening right now.
I'm so sorry this is happening right now.
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Emmy, when you start thinking down that road of worst case scenarios, you are future tripping. Stop your mind. It is tough to do. Drag it back to just the day at hand.
Believe me I really struggle with this but each time you manage to stay on track, it gets a little easier. Honestly the moment you are in has drama enough - no need to kill him off in your worries.
When does he report to jail? Is that an upcoming possible place to stash him?
Believe me I really struggle with this but each time you manage to stay on track, it gets a little easier. Honestly the moment you are in has drama enough - no need to kill him off in your worries.
When does he report to jail? Is that an upcoming possible place to stash him?
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So sad right now. He woke up and said he needed to calm down and asked me to run to the store for alcohol and I said absolutely not. I broke down and begged him to stop this. He said he doesn't " need" alcohol he just needs to calm down so he doesn't have a seizure. I begged him to let me just take him to a doctor and he refused. I cried and cried and then I packed up everything the kids and I will need for a week and now I'm heading back to mom and dad's. He has no phone because he lost it last night and I'm not driving to West Hollywood on a Sat. night to get it back for him. I'm afraid he's gonna die tonight, I have a really bad feeling. But I just want to go be with my kids. I'm not gonna sit there with a drunk. Can't do it. So sad. Thanks for the encouragement.
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Join Date: May 2011
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Oh Emmy. My prayers are with you, your kids and him. No matter what happens, you are strong, and you can get you and the kids through this. Your parents can provide you with support. Don't be afraid to lean on them. My parents could have handled a lot more than I told them about and they could have helped me more when I really needed it, had I been honest with them.
Give your AH to your higher power.
((((Hugs))))
Give your AH to your higher power.
((((Hugs))))
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I just feel like the weight of the world is on me. I feel like someone's well being is completely in my hands, I'm leaving him here tonight alone with no phone. I am trying to do right by everyone. I don't know how I'm gonna go to work Monday. I was off two days last week with strep. Then I completely forgot about my traffic ticket court and I got a "failure to appear" which I'm afraid is going to negatively affect my background check for new job. My AH's drama has really broken my life down.
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Emmy - learning to stop playing God, knowing I wasn't that powerful.....was very hard but the best thing I ever did for me.
Put that energy into YOU and your kids. He is a grown man, living the life he chooses!!
Put that energy into YOU and your kids. He is a grown man, living the life he chooses!!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Hugs, Emmy. His choices do not reflect on who you are. They are not your choices, and you do not control him. He is not an extension of who you are, nor are you responsible for the consequences of his choices. That is on him entirely. You are choosing to stop enabling him, and we all know what a torturous decision that is for you.
When I first found SR, I was searching for some way to handle my separated AH who was sending me some pretty extreme emails, making me think he was going to commit suicide. It was my worst nightmare to think that I was the only thing holding him together. I wasn't strong enough to take on that responsibility and it weighed on me, tore me apart. I felt so guilty and hopeless because there was no way i could get to him that night. The next day, he scoffed at me that I thought he would do that and had no real understanding or remorse for what he had put me through. But, my point is, nobody is strong enough to take on the responsibility of holding another adult's life together. That's not the way our world works.
Your responsibility is to yourself and to your kids first. I doubt that the hospital would have released him this morning if there was a good chance he would worsen again so soon. You were right to refuse his request for alcohol and to get out of there so that he couldn't continue to berate you for refusing. You are stronger than you think, Emmy.
Wishing you peace,
Fathom
When I first found SR, I was searching for some way to handle my separated AH who was sending me some pretty extreme emails, making me think he was going to commit suicide. It was my worst nightmare to think that I was the only thing holding him together. I wasn't strong enough to take on that responsibility and it weighed on me, tore me apart. I felt so guilty and hopeless because there was no way i could get to him that night. The next day, he scoffed at me that I thought he would do that and had no real understanding or remorse for what he had put me through. But, my point is, nobody is strong enough to take on the responsibility of holding another adult's life together. That's not the way our world works.
Your responsibility is to yourself and to your kids first. I doubt that the hospital would have released him this morning if there was a good chance he would worsen again so soon. You were right to refuse his request for alcohol and to get out of there so that he couldn't continue to berate you for refusing. You are stronger than you think, Emmy.
Wishing you peace,
Fathom
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Location: Chicago IL
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Originally Posted by EmmyG 
I am so ashamed to tell them and I'm afraid they'll think less of me.
One of my worries was that if my AH got well, they wouldn't support me staying in the relationship. I was wrong there. When I finally started telling them about what was going on, yes they had a low opinion of him. But then when he got better, they thought even more of him that he could get it under control. Your parents may go through the same process if your AH gets in to recovery.
Stay strong.
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Emmy I'm so sorry for your situation. Fear of my AH dying kept me in a bad situation for too long. I had to accept that yes he might die even if I stayed. I couldn't be his full time caregiver and it seemed that is what was slowly happening.
When I was still in the situation I couldn't concentrate on work, I wasn't fully present for my girls and I certainly didn't take care of myself. Life revolved around him.
Leaving was tough. I was a mess. He continued on his path of destruction and I had as little contact as possible. Then he actually started to take care of things in his life. It's been about 9 months that we've been separated. My AH has cycled through several relapses. His relapses do affect me but not in the way his drinking did when we lived together. I'm able to detach and still take care of myself. My girls don't see all the alcoholic ugliness.
You can make it on your own. You can provide a stable healthy home for your kids.
My H was so sick when I left. Drinking, passing out, vomiting, not knowing what day it was. I was utterly convinced he would die. Nope he managed to make it to the liquor store for weeks after I left. He's going to do what he's going to do. I had to choose how I was going to let it affect my life.
It's not an easy place to be. My heart goes out to you.
When I was still in the situation I couldn't concentrate on work, I wasn't fully present for my girls and I certainly didn't take care of myself. Life revolved around him.
Leaving was tough. I was a mess. He continued on his path of destruction and I had as little contact as possible. Then he actually started to take care of things in his life. It's been about 9 months that we've been separated. My AH has cycled through several relapses. His relapses do affect me but not in the way his drinking did when we lived together. I'm able to detach and still take care of myself. My girls don't see all the alcoholic ugliness.
You can make it on your own. You can provide a stable healthy home for your kids.
My H was so sick when I left. Drinking, passing out, vomiting, not knowing what day it was. I was utterly convinced he would die. Nope he managed to make it to the liquor store for weeks after I left. He's going to do what he's going to do. I had to choose how I was going to let it affect my life.
It's not an easy place to be. My heart goes out to you.
Last edited by Catherine628; 03-09-2014 at 07:16 AM. Reason: spelling
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I am so sorry, Emmy 
I can't imagine how scary and difficult that was I totally understand feeling responsible for our alcoholics. But, the thing is, we are not God/HP, nor are we our AH's keepers. If we had the control to keep them alive, we would have the control to stop them from drinking/drugging. We do not or our husbands would be sober!! It's just that simple.
Are you in al-anon or any other recovery group? I'm working the steps in alanon and it's making so much difference in my life. I think step 1 will be a step I continually re-visit because understanding how little we really can control is difficult when you've spent years thinking otherwise. I finally let go by visualizing myself handing my STBXAH over to my HP/God. Everytime I start to worry about him, I just imagine him in my God's hands. His hands are so much more capable than mine.
Last thing, do not be ashamed to tell your parents! You have no reason to be ashamed!
Sending prayers to you and your family, Emmy. I'm so sorry
I can't imagine how scary and difficult that was I totally understand feeling responsible for our alcoholics. But, the thing is, we are not God/HP, nor are we our AH's keepers. If we had the control to keep them alive, we would have the control to stop them from drinking/drugging. We do not or our husbands would be sober!! It's just that simple. Are you in al-anon or any other recovery group? I'm working the steps in alanon and it's making so much difference in my life. I think step 1 will be a step I continually re-visit because understanding how little we really can control is difficult when you've spent years thinking otherwise. I finally let go by visualizing myself handing my STBXAH over to my HP/God. Everytime I start to worry about him, I just imagine him in my God's hands. His hands are so much more capable than mine.
Last thing, do not be ashamed to tell your parents! You have no reason to be ashamed!
Sending prayers to you and your family, Emmy. I'm so sorry
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