Accepting things as they are...or not.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Accepting things as they are...or not.
I went to my ABF's on Thursday night to watch our favorite show together...he was drinking the entire time and was drunk by the time we went to bed. One thing was evident, he's happier with me not living there anymore because he can drink as much as he likes. I'm happier not being there because I don't have to witness it.
The one thing that's been on my mind this morning is that THIS is how he is. He has no desire to change, and I have no desire to live with an A. We have fun when we're together - but if I'm living with him I can't handle the drama, feeling unimportant, doing all of the chores, having all of the responsibility...basically all of the things that comes with living with an active A.
He had mentioned in passing something about accepting him the way he is...as an A. I do love him - as he is - and I know I can't live with him. I don't see a future for us as long as he's drinking, and it makes me sad, because when we were discussing our future together the things I said and felt were based on not knowing he was an A. It wasn't until after I moved in that it became evident how bad he is.
So, I'm having to let go. I see pictures on FB of him drinking with his buddies, having a great time, and I know that I'm just an old "fuddy dud" by comparison. I really don't think we are compatible. We love each other quite a lot, but that isn't enough...
On a very positive note, I've been in my place for a full week now and I just LOVE it! Being on my own I'm beginning to finally feel like a "normal" person!
The one thing that's been on my mind this morning is that THIS is how he is. He has no desire to change, and I have no desire to live with an A. We have fun when we're together - but if I'm living with him I can't handle the drama, feeling unimportant, doing all of the chores, having all of the responsibility...basically all of the things that comes with living with an active A.
He had mentioned in passing something about accepting him the way he is...as an A. I do love him - as he is - and I know I can't live with him. I don't see a future for us as long as he's drinking, and it makes me sad, because when we were discussing our future together the things I said and felt were based on not knowing he was an A. It wasn't until after I moved in that it became evident how bad he is.
So, I'm having to let go. I see pictures on FB of him drinking with his buddies, having a great time, and I know that I'm just an old "fuddy dud" by comparison. I really don't think we are compatible. We love each other quite a lot, but that isn't enough...
On a very positive note, I've been in my place for a full week now and I just LOVE it! Being on my own I'm beginning to finally feel like a "normal" person!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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I'm glad that you are happy in your new place. It will help give you clarity on things you were just too close to before to see.
But yeah, it is what it is. Unless he decides to seek recovery, you are on opposite ends of the spectrum. The relationship can go nowhere and that's one of the things you are now able to see since you have had some distance.
You are going to be just fine.
But yeah, it is what it is. Unless he decides to seek recovery, you are on opposite ends of the spectrum. The relationship can go nowhere and that's one of the things you are now able to see since you have had some distance.
You are going to be just fine.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
It just sucks...4 years of us wanting to be together and not being able to for one reason or another. We finally had our opportunity, and St. Patrick's Day will actually be 4 years since our first "date"...
I've begun to mentally and emotionally let go of him completely. I hope that we can remain friends. The intense attraction will always be there, and the emotional attraction as well. I think he hopes that in June when my lease is up I'll just move back in, but I won't go back to things the way they were. I deserve better...and I don't want to have someone that I need to "take care of".
*sigh*
I've begun to mentally and emotionally let go of him completely. I hope that we can remain friends. The intense attraction will always be there, and the emotional attraction as well. I think he hopes that in June when my lease is up I'll just move back in, but I won't go back to things the way they were. I deserve better...and I don't want to have someone that I need to "take care of".
*sigh*
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Hi Melly;
I'm never one to turn down a request for expounding;
Of course, I don't know either of you, so all is to be taken with a large shaker of salt. . .
If you are still strongly physically and emotionally attracted to this person, and you are seeing him socially,
even as "just friends" it is my experience that you are keeping your foot in the door to fully block letting the relationship go.
You may be still longing, at some level, for the relationship you never were able to have with this person.
You are possibly romanticizing the potential that wasn't realized due to the addiction,
and every "nice" encounter you have with him feeds that tiny little flicker of hope you may still have buried in your heart
hidden even from your conscious self which is working towards detachment and recovery.
So this means you cannot have a clear entry for a new relationship with someone who
may be a better life partner for you in the long term.
Someone who can care for you on equal terms reliably
and won't need to be taken care of, if and when they really start the downhill slide from alcoholism.
Take what may be useful, and let go the rest, as per usual around here.
I'm never one to turn down a request for expounding;
Of course, I don't know either of you, so all is to be taken with a large shaker of salt. . .
If you are still strongly physically and emotionally attracted to this person, and you are seeing him socially,
even as "just friends" it is my experience that you are keeping your foot in the door to fully block letting the relationship go.
You may be still longing, at some level, for the relationship you never were able to have with this person.
You are possibly romanticizing the potential that wasn't realized due to the addiction,
and every "nice" encounter you have with him feeds that tiny little flicker of hope you may still have buried in your heart
hidden even from your conscious self which is working towards detachment and recovery.
So this means you cannot have a clear entry for a new relationship with someone who
may be a better life partner for you in the long term.
Someone who can care for you on equal terms reliably
and won't need to be taken care of, if and when they really start the downhill slide from alcoholism.
Take what may be useful, and let go the rest, as per usual around here.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
Mellybug,
I could have written this myself. It speaks so much to what I was faced with and what I am still feeling. I love my exbf dearly and we were so very compatible in so many ways, but he drinks almost a pint of scotch every night. In the beginning, I didn't see it for the problem that it is. I had no prior experience with anyone who has an addiction, so I didn't know what I was up against. I was never really ok with it, and as time moved forward and we didn't, it bothered me even more. We were together almost 2.5 years but I never moved in with him because I just couldn't get past the nagging feeling in my gut that there was more to this than what I was seeing... and that what I was seeing (and yet to see) would get worse. I tried talking to him, sharing my concerns and fears, both for him and for us. Although he listened and did make some compromises, his stance was - and continued to be - "this is who I am, accept it or move on".
I looked within to figure out why I couldn't accept the drinking. I spent time here reading and learning more about problem drinking, alcoholism, and the effect it has on the lives of those who drink and the lives of those who love them. I felt caught between the wisdom and experiences of everyone here and friends who would say "well, if you're not ok with it, you just have to move on". I kept flip flopping. Here, I would find strength to move on... and there, I would question myself and why I was not ok with it. My friends' words always came across to me in a way that I felt there was something wrong with me for not being able to accept it. I know that's not how they intended them, but that's how I always heard them. I don't know why. Even last night, a friend said "that's just the way he is... he's always been a drinker... he's not going to change. If you can't accept him the way he is, then you have to move on". As much as I know she is trying to be supportive, how come all I hear is "you have a problem with accepting people the way they are".
And then I feel, as you do, like an old fuddy dud. Like I'm just getting in the way of his and everybody's "good time" with my unyielding and un-accepting ways.
I just knew I didn't want to live my life like that, dragging a bottle of scotch behind us everywhere we went. I think, as partners of the drinker, we see so much more than others do. Friends may acknowledge that there is/might be a problem, but most don't know the extent of it.
I could have written this myself. It speaks so much to what I was faced with and what I am still feeling. I love my exbf dearly and we were so very compatible in so many ways, but he drinks almost a pint of scotch every night. In the beginning, I didn't see it for the problem that it is. I had no prior experience with anyone who has an addiction, so I didn't know what I was up against. I was never really ok with it, and as time moved forward and we didn't, it bothered me even more. We were together almost 2.5 years but I never moved in with him because I just couldn't get past the nagging feeling in my gut that there was more to this than what I was seeing... and that what I was seeing (and yet to see) would get worse. I tried talking to him, sharing my concerns and fears, both for him and for us. Although he listened and did make some compromises, his stance was - and continued to be - "this is who I am, accept it or move on".
I looked within to figure out why I couldn't accept the drinking. I spent time here reading and learning more about problem drinking, alcoholism, and the effect it has on the lives of those who drink and the lives of those who love them. I felt caught between the wisdom and experiences of everyone here and friends who would say "well, if you're not ok with it, you just have to move on". I kept flip flopping. Here, I would find strength to move on... and there, I would question myself and why I was not ok with it. My friends' words always came across to me in a way that I felt there was something wrong with me for not being able to accept it. I know that's not how they intended them, but that's how I always heard them. I don't know why. Even last night, a friend said "that's just the way he is... he's always been a drinker... he's not going to change. If you can't accept him the way he is, then you have to move on". As much as I know she is trying to be supportive, how come all I hear is "you have a problem with accepting people the way they are".
And then I feel, as you do, like an old fuddy dud. Like I'm just getting in the way of his and everybody's "good time" with my unyielding and un-accepting ways.
I just knew I didn't want to live my life like that, dragging a bottle of scotch behind us everywhere we went. I think, as partners of the drinker, we see so much more than others do. Friends may acknowledge that there is/might be a problem, but most don't know the extent of it.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 79
Hi Mellybug, I too, once had an A as a boyfriend, and we lived separately, but eventually moved in together. Out of love, I believed all the promises to "cut down" on the drinking and partying with friends. We had many good times, which back then, outweighed the bad. Fast forward 10 years, I am now MARRIED to that same A, he progressively got worse, I continued to put up with it, still having little shreds of good times, which are now outweighed by the bad. He has now been sober 4 months but he isn't the same, being an alcoholic changed him. I rarely give anyone "advice" but please, don't go down that road. We all deserve an equal partner in life, one who will not choose alcohol over us. The days turn into decades faster than you can imagine. Best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Hawkeye - Thanks! That's kind of what I THOUGHT you were getting at...and honestly even the thought of dating right now scares the bejeebus out of me! You're absolutely right, I have kept one foot in the door, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Even during our time together I just wanted to be back home in the safety of my new apartment because he was drinking more and more and more. He was telling me about his money problems, and how he had missed a deadline for the electric bill - which I had given him my portion of - and the mortgage, which I had also given him my portion of. And now someone is calling in a loan they gave him...etc.
I haven't heard from him at all in over 24 hours...even though I know he's up, he's been toodling around on FB and such. So, yeah...I felt like an afterthought while I was there, and now I feel like an afterthought now that I'm not there.
I think I should probably go journal for a while and figure out the best way to go about ending this for good.
I haven't heard from him at all in over 24 hours...even though I know he's up, he's been toodling around on FB and such. So, yeah...I felt like an afterthought while I was there, and now I feel like an afterthought now that I'm not there.
I think I should probably go journal for a while and figure out the best way to go about ending this for good.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Mellybug.
Like you, I am separated from an Xabf, we live apart, we don't see each other (it's been over 7 months), but we remain in contact. It's a mixed bag.
I watched, from a safe distance, as he spiraled down horribly when I first broke it off. I created very clear communication boundaries - I would not speak to him when he was drunk. There were long silences, and some useless promises, during which I kept living, taking care of myself and my daughters, going to work, exercising regularly, and generally enjoying my drama-free days. And I stopped having any expectations of the relationship, period.
He seems to be on a fairly long sober stretch - and there is a difference in him. He is more humble, he is respectful, he is much less selfish, he is COHERENT. I am glad. But I am not rushing back. Not now, maybe not ever.
I would advise that even if you don't cut him out completely, find a way to stop tracking his movements, or thinking about what he is doing/not doing. Fill that time with friends, and hobbies, hikes, whatever you can. If that's not possible for you, you may need to go no contact.
I have not, and like I said, it's a mixed bag.
I definitely support your steps to remove yourself, and examine your priorities, and open up your life and your heart to healthy, productive people and things. You won't regret it.
(hugs)
Like you, I am separated from an Xabf, we live apart, we don't see each other (it's been over 7 months), but we remain in contact. It's a mixed bag.
I watched, from a safe distance, as he spiraled down horribly when I first broke it off. I created very clear communication boundaries - I would not speak to him when he was drunk. There were long silences, and some useless promises, during which I kept living, taking care of myself and my daughters, going to work, exercising regularly, and generally enjoying my drama-free days. And I stopped having any expectations of the relationship, period.
He seems to be on a fairly long sober stretch - and there is a difference in him. He is more humble, he is respectful, he is much less selfish, he is COHERENT. I am glad. But I am not rushing back. Not now, maybe not ever.
I would advise that even if you don't cut him out completely, find a way to stop tracking his movements, or thinking about what he is doing/not doing. Fill that time with friends, and hobbies, hikes, whatever you can. If that's not possible for you, you may need to go no contact.
I have not, and like I said, it's a mixed bag.
I definitely support your steps to remove yourself, and examine your priorities, and open up your life and your heart to healthy, productive people and things. You won't regret it.
(hugs)
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Mellybug 
I deserve better...and I don't want to have someone that I need to "take care of".
I DESERVE BETTER
That way everyone remembers that they deserve a life of happiness and peace
.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Mellybug
So, yeah...I felt like an afterthought while I was there, and now I feel like an afterthought now that I'm not there.
I think I should probably go journal for a while and figure out the best way to go about ending this for good.
I think I should probably go journal for a while and figure out the best way to go about ending this for good.
I hope you find this to be a new beginning. It can be an opportunity to look at yourself closely and ask yourself what you really want in life, and what allowed you to accept your relationship with your alcoholic. For me, it was trying to find someone to heal the abandonment wounds left by my alcoholic father. Everyone of us has a story, a reason for accepting treatment that is unacceptable. I hope you find yours and choose to learn, heal, and grow from your experience so that you never again allow yourself to choose a partner who makes you feel like an afterthought.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Well, after 30 hours I got a text from him saying he had such a great time at the lake today! I told him I was happy for him. He then said that he made a payment on the electric bill and bought dog food. I finally just told him that I'm glad he had a great day but that I was tired of feeling like an afterthought to him. I haven't heard back since then, and I hope not to. I'm just done with it all...
As for the issues that brought me to this point - I've been in therapy for quite some time, and have been working on those issues quite a bit. I'm in no way ready to stop my therapy and look forward to having the discussion with my therapist about the past 2 weeks.
I'm sad about the end of the relationship....I do feel some anger, but not a lot and not at the surface. I'm sure that will come later. I'm well aware of the stages of grief, and expect to be going through them a lot in the upcoming days and weeks.
The bottom line is that I made the move out, I'm taking a stand for myself, and I will not put up with this foolishness. I've been journaling my butt off, trying to connect with other people, and working my steps. I need to get back over to his place one more time in order to get the last bit of my things that are there and close that chapter. As my mother would say, "Oh, well". She's good with being overly sympathetic. LOL
As for the issues that brought me to this point - I've been in therapy for quite some time, and have been working on those issues quite a bit. I'm in no way ready to stop my therapy and look forward to having the discussion with my therapist about the past 2 weeks.
I'm sad about the end of the relationship....I do feel some anger, but not a lot and not at the surface. I'm sure that will come later. I'm well aware of the stages of grief, and expect to be going through them a lot in the upcoming days and weeks.
The bottom line is that I made the move out, I'm taking a stand for myself, and I will not put up with this foolishness. I've been journaling my butt off, trying to connect with other people, and working my steps. I need to get back over to his place one more time in order to get the last bit of my things that are there and close that chapter. As my mother would say, "Oh, well". She's good with being overly sympathetic. LOL
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Posts: 2,163
How does the " I hope we can still be friends" actually work ?
Just speaking for myself here, but when somebody sucks the living life right out of you, exactly how do you make nice with that? Why would I want to stay connected, and remain in a one sided friendship?
Doesn't that just leave the door open for more unacceptable actions/ behaviors?
Just speaking for myself here, but when somebody sucks the living life right out of you, exactly how do you make nice with that? Why would I want to stay connected, and remain in a one sided friendship?
Doesn't that just leave the door open for more unacceptable actions/ behaviors?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by marie1960
How does the " I hope we can still be friends" actually work ?
Just speaking for myself here, but when somebody sucks the living life right out of you, exactly how do you make nice with that? Why would I want to stay connected, and remain in a one sided friendship?
Doesn't that just leave the door open for more unacceptable actions/ behaviors?
Just speaking for myself here, but when somebody sucks the living life right out of you, exactly how do you make nice with that? Why would I want to stay connected, and remain in a one sided friendship?
Doesn't that just leave the door open for more unacceptable actions/ behaviors?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
We had a friendship before we attempted to have a relationship. My previous ex and I were together for 7 years...and he did SO much damage. I literally wanted to die because I didn't see a way out - and now we are actually great friends! Once we both realized that in a relationship capacity we weren't going to work out, and after time apart to get our own healing in place, we came together in a different way. We spend time together, we play video games, we share our life's joys, pains, etc. He's actually the one who found this wonderful apartment I'm living in through a mutual friend of ours that he kept in contact with but I didn't. So, it IS possible with healing, love, and maturity to remain friends after a relationship ends. I've always believed that if you HATE someone or harbor bitterness, it means you're not over that person, you've just given those emotions a different focus.
As for remaining "friends" with the now-XABF, I still have things at his place which I will be removing while he's at work later this week (hopefully tomorrow). I don't harbor any ill will towards him. I know he has a beautiful soul, and is a truly GOOD person underneath his disease. He truly can no longer help who and what he has become, and that there is no place for me in his alcoholic existence. I don't "fit in" with his life as it is now...but there's no reason for me to "hate" the man. Do I think that we'll "hang out" and be "buds"? Probably not. It may naturally die out to the point where we just never talk anymore, and I'm prepared for that as well.
I'm a forgiving person...because forgiveness is not for them, it's for me. If I forgive them they have no power over me and can not harm me anymore.
As for remaining "friends" with the now-XABF, I still have things at his place which I will be removing while he's at work later this week (hopefully tomorrow). I don't harbor any ill will towards him. I know he has a beautiful soul, and is a truly GOOD person underneath his disease. He truly can no longer help who and what he has become, and that there is no place for me in his alcoholic existence. I don't "fit in" with his life as it is now...but there's no reason for me to "hate" the man. Do I think that we'll "hang out" and be "buds"? Probably not. It may naturally die out to the point where we just never talk anymore, and I'm prepared for that as well.
I'm a forgiving person...because forgiveness is not for them, it's for me. If I forgive them they have no power over me and can not harm me anymore.
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