Goldcoastgirl

Last weekend when I slipped my 21 yr old daughter(who doesn't drink thank God) was with me for a short time before she went out. Tonight she told me something I had said that night that I actually have no memory of. I just sort of dismissed it by covering up by saying"that's right I forgot I already told you that the other night". I feel sick in the stomach that I was that drunk in front of my child and blacked out and have no memory of what I did or said.

The one thing I had always tried to do was keep it together in front of her. That just shows me had much my drinking has progressed over time. I feel like such a pathetic weak person and parent. I dedicated my whole life with her trying to set good examples, teaching her right from wrong and giving her a safe and loving home and yet I have sunk so low. So ashamed. Definitely feel like rubbish now.

Funny for a brief minute today I debated did I really need AA but this has definitely confirmed I do and has been a real wake up call. I don't know now how I will sleep tonight . . .

Ghostlight1

Sorry you feel so bad. But I've done the same thing with friends. It's pretty embarrasing. Thought I was fooling them, but they knew I was drunk when I said it.
I tried to keep it together while talking to friends, but my slurring voice gave me away. Thought I was fooling them, I was only fooling myself.
My drinking also progressed. I went to AA. I hope you go, too. And don't be too hard on yourself.

Best to you.

pefe

not sure if I should reply my comment here or if you even wanna read it. but I got so drunk one nite that I got in a fight with my daughter and called her a bitch..... that was the lowest part of my life..... said I would quit drinking ... I quit drinking around her . for a while . then somehow im back to drinkin around her.... I doubt I will get the dad of the year award... but I am trying to stop drinking... and hopefully things will be great! anywho try not to feel like rubbish cuz im sure your daughter knows you are a great person!

Looking4Help123

Just don't beat up on yourself too much. We all have made mistakes while drunk. Its what we do because of them that makes us strong, not weak.

LDT

I can't even begin to count how many blackout conversations I use to have with my kids. The next day I was always mortified. I am not proud of those days. But I have made amends by just living a clean and sober life for years now ( minus a brief relapse) and we are closer than ever. Kids are shockingly forgiving when they see you are doing the best you can.

Goldcoastgirl

Thanks all. I adore my daughter and she adores me. What makes me feel worse is she has me up on this pedestal because we had a tough start in our lives together and she says all the time "you are perfect" I always answer back No, I'm not! And think if you only knew the turmoil that is going on inside me. Somehow she turned out a great and unique girl so I guess I did something right. Now I want to keep it that way, too much at stake.

heath480

The good news is that you never have to behave like that again.

I am sure you will find AA to be just what you need.

Wishing you well.

Stang

We've all made asses of ourselves. I'm wondering how I'll get up the nerve to make amends for my foolishness. The first step is staying sober.

adee

GCG, I hear you. I have my own similar stories ("mommy, you weren't making sense"). The past can't be re-written, so forward we go. If this memory gives you fuel to do something different in recovery, then it ends up being a good thing, as hard as it is. It is still fresh right now, but each day of sobriety will give you distance from the worst of the past. Hang in there.

Nonsensical

That's also your addiction - trying to tear down your defenses - probing for an opening...

We can't go back, but we can go forward with righteous fury. Let's do this!!!

Ruby2

Hi GCG, being on a pedestal and being perfect are pretty tall orders to fill. None of us is perfect. We are all only human and humans sometimes make mistakes and do things we later regret. We can all only hope to learn from the experience and not do it again. Be kind to yourself. I've said lots to my husband while drinking that I later don't remember. If I stay sober the chances of that happening diminish. They don't wholly go away but I am scatterbrained at times. Don't beat yourself up. Just live and learn.

soberlife123

Ohh this sounds all too familiar to nights I've had! Telling friends stuff and being slurry voiced (but being convinced I was sober) and forgetting stuff I'd told them. Or being horrified at my fiancee recounting what I'd done the night before (because he always wanted to tell me so I was aware of exactly how I'd acted and I was usually horrified)

I definitely haven't done any of that this week since I haven't been drinking!

FindTheAnswer

Every time my son would be home from school, I would start to tell him something and he would tell me I had told him the night before. No memory, at all. In reality, I feel I have few memories of the last few years. It breaks my heart and I wish I could go back.

This has been a rough week emotionally. I just keep thinking about all the mistakes and what it cost me.

Mizzuno

Your daughter has every reason in the world to think that you are perfect. To her, you are perfect and this can not be broken. Perfection is not the absence of mistakes. She adores and loves you. Please know this. I have had many many nights where I could not remember a thing. It is mortifying. I can only say that walking away from the alcohol was the best thing I have ever done. If AA is for you then go to AA. If there is another program, or something that works, then make it happen. No matter what, you are making the right decision here. We are here to lean on.

Anna

I think that letting my children down was the lowest and worst part of the addiction for me. I was horrified that I was saying and doing things that I didn't remember at all. Since that time, I have tried to make amends to my children in every way possible, and I will continue to do so. Use this experience as an opportunity to change and move on.

EJ43

Been there, repeatedly! You aren't alone in that. It sounds like you have a wonderful daughter!

least

This never needs to happen again if you don't drink.

Goldcoastgirl

Thank you everyone, your response were overwhelming and so touching. You are right we can't change what's done, just not repeat it in the future. The first thing she said to me this morning after saying hi was "I love you. Can I have a hug? "

That is worth all the tea in China and something no amount of alcohol can make me feel. I am truly blessed x

KateL

I've done the same thing. Don't be hard on yourself and try not to go there again xxxx