The Unthinkable
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
The Unthinkable
So I've battled with myself on how to ever bring this up, but I'm dying in my silence so I've gotta ask for some insight.
I don't believe Dad would do anything sexually to his son.
My radar went off two months ago to things son said combined with a few interesting physical phenomenons from the last two years. He won't say it. But bits keep coming out and they point here. Every bit makes it stronger, though I try to make sure I'm not imagining it. I've mentioned he never wants to go back to see dad. At times son is angry with me and says things like "why does it take you so long to see things?" Lots of flags. I say the right things to my son- I have of course read ten books on the subject and talked to a therapist about this.
Let's look at my pattern.
Signs pointed to the fact that RAH was not in fact R. I believed in him. Radar going off, I stifled it. I shouldn't have.
Signs pointed to drug use. I believed in him. Radar going off, I stifled it. I shouldn't have.
Signs hitting me in the actual face with affair. I believed in him. Radar going off, I silenced it. I shouldn't have.
Why would now be different? Isn't it much more likely I'm stifling this too? Can I even be trusted to decide the strength of the signs?
And why stifle it? Because it would hurt too much? Because it would be "my fault" for not seeing or knowing? (God how I wish I could take some of my other denial back.) Because I couldn't handle my rage, indignation, fear, guilt and whatever else would arise? Because I didn't marry a guy like that? Because I continually project my own values onto XAH which disallows this? Because I simply can't keep learning new ways he isn't the man I thought he was?
So...I don't believe that an addicted narcissistic father who has been volatile and irrational for two years would do anything to his son. Hmm. Why is that?
Because it's MY XAH and MY kids.
Let's be clear. Over my dead body will our children be alone with him ever again. That's not the issue. I'm just dying in this abyss wanting to know what happened, trying to be patient, and furious with myself for not believing in its possibility.
I hope I'm wrong.
Why won't this horrendous feeling go away? And... why is my denial SO DEEP? I can't bear the war in my head.
Well...now I've done it. Can't believe I'm about to hit "send".
I don't believe Dad would do anything sexually to his son.
My radar went off two months ago to things son said combined with a few interesting physical phenomenons from the last two years. He won't say it. But bits keep coming out and they point here. Every bit makes it stronger, though I try to make sure I'm not imagining it. I've mentioned he never wants to go back to see dad. At times son is angry with me and says things like "why does it take you so long to see things?" Lots of flags. I say the right things to my son- I have of course read ten books on the subject and talked to a therapist about this.
Let's look at my pattern.
Signs pointed to the fact that RAH was not in fact R. I believed in him. Radar going off, I stifled it. I shouldn't have.
Signs pointed to drug use. I believed in him. Radar going off, I stifled it. I shouldn't have.
Signs hitting me in the actual face with affair. I believed in him. Radar going off, I silenced it. I shouldn't have.
Why would now be different? Isn't it much more likely I'm stifling this too? Can I even be trusted to decide the strength of the signs?
And why stifle it? Because it would hurt too much? Because it would be "my fault" for not seeing or knowing? (God how I wish I could take some of my other denial back.) Because I couldn't handle my rage, indignation, fear, guilt and whatever else would arise? Because I didn't marry a guy like that? Because I continually project my own values onto XAH which disallows this? Because I simply can't keep learning new ways he isn't the man I thought he was?
So...I don't believe that an addicted narcissistic father who has been volatile and irrational for two years would do anything to his son. Hmm. Why is that?
Because it's MY XAH and MY kids.
Let's be clear. Over my dead body will our children be alone with him ever again. That's not the issue. I'm just dying in this abyss wanting to know what happened, trying to be patient, and furious with myself for not believing in its possibility.
I hope I'm wrong.
Why won't this horrendous feeling go away? And... why is my denial SO DEEP? I can't bear the war in my head.
Well...now I've done it. Can't believe I'm about to hit "send".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Praying, It sounds to me like you have a plan...that's good and stick to it.
I'm so sorry if it turns out to be true, but you must protect your children from harm and protect yourself too.
Many prayers for comfort in this tormenting time, going up for you!
TF
I'm so sorry if it turns out to be true, but you must protect your children from harm and protect yourself too.
Many prayers for comfort in this tormenting time, going up for you!
TF
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Dear Praying,
This really helped me deal with the "shame" of my own denial. I hope it brings you a healing perspective as well. You and your children are in my prayers.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Denial
I've been recovering many years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.
When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.
The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.
I learned to participate in my own abuse.
Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.
Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me. I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.
Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.
I still use, and break through, denial--as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed - strong and healthy.
Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.
Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.
It's an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I'm also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I'm on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.
I've gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn't my job to run around ripping people's blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.
I've learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don't have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don't have to be around them. I can wish them well and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.
I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I'm around warm people, I don't need to use my blanket.
I've gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I've gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.
God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself--and others--for those times I have used denial.
This really helped me deal with the "shame" of my own denial. I hope it brings you a healing perspective as well. You and your children are in my prayers.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Denial
I've been recovering many years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.
When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.
The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.
I learned to participate in my own abuse.
Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.
Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me. I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.
Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.
I still use, and break through, denial--as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed - strong and healthy.
Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.
Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.
It's an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I'm also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I'm on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.
I've gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn't my job to run around ripping people's blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.
I've learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don't have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don't have to be around them. I can wish them well and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.
I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I'm around warm people, I don't need to use my blanket.
I've gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I've gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.
God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself--and others--for those times I have used denial.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
That's a great piece on denial LMN!
Praying.....I'm praying with you that nothing happened......but as Twofish mentioned, you have a plan in place and that's good. No matter what, you aren't responsible for any of the actions of your husband. You're talking with a therapist....perhaps it would be a thought to have your son talk to one too?
Denial is incredibly powerful. It protects us from things that we're not prepared to deal with and coming out of denial can be painful. But you're working on that....sounds like forward progress to me.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Praying.....I'm praying with you that nothing happened......but as Twofish mentioned, you have a plan in place and that's good. No matter what, you aren't responsible for any of the actions of your husband. You're talking with a therapist....perhaps it would be a thought to have your son talk to one too?
Denial is incredibly powerful. It protects us from things that we're not prepared to deal with and coming out of denial can be painful. But you're working on that....sounds like forward progress to me.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Therapy for both of you right now would be a good idea. Trust your instincts, keep open communication with your son and keep moving forward.
Now is the time to say it out loud, to your son and to a counselor. Even if it is to express your fear of what may or may not have happened.
It doesn't have to be a dirty little secret, it's abuse plain and clear and nothing for the victim to feel ashamed for.
Prayers out for all of you.
Hugs
Now is the time to say it out loud, to your son and to a counselor. Even if it is to express your fear of what may or may not have happened.
It doesn't have to be a dirty little secret, it's abuse plain and clear and nothing for the victim to feel ashamed for.
Prayers out for all of you.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Thank you all for the prayers and thoughts. It's like a bunch of helping hands peeling me off the floor so I can get back to the business of moving forward.
LMN, I thought I read a lot, but wow, you have some great stuff in your arsenal. Thank you for that post.
Interesting as I looked back at my post that I did not mention (in my little denial revelations section) that he was abusive to me. That one is the most raw and my most recent "acceptance", so Freud would probably know why I omitted it. It wasn't conscious. I found my current counselor after calling one of those phone numbers and saying..."yeah, I shouldn't be wasting your time, I'm safe, but I recently realized X and my friends who don't know the half of it keep telling me to call you." I go again this afternoon. I'm working on getting my sons to go. They're unraveling a little denial too. I told them very directly in January that I realized we lived with abuse, promised I wouldn't let that happen again, and that we all had work to do. I felt like that opened a door for my older son...the "favored" one...who finally started talking more.
What kind of abuse in my house? I'm not telling.
But I didn't imagine this, so this is a weird place. And LMN's blanket...I'm burrowed under it right now, afraid to come out...at least it's warm under here...but it smells like dog...
I can forgive myself most of my denials. I really can. I'm getting pretty good at this forgiveness thing.
This one...could break me.
I know, cue the Lifetime music.
I know others have been there and survived.
It never ceases to amaze me how I can go from supportive and wise to shriveled and scared on a daily basis. I guess that's the ride we all hopped on, which is why SR is so valuable to me. Thanks for being here.
LMN, I thought I read a lot, but wow, you have some great stuff in your arsenal. Thank you for that post.
Interesting as I looked back at my post that I did not mention (in my little denial revelations section) that he was abusive to me. That one is the most raw and my most recent "acceptance", so Freud would probably know why I omitted it. It wasn't conscious. I found my current counselor after calling one of those phone numbers and saying..."yeah, I shouldn't be wasting your time, I'm safe, but I recently realized X and my friends who don't know the half of it keep telling me to call you." I go again this afternoon. I'm working on getting my sons to go. They're unraveling a little denial too. I told them very directly in January that I realized we lived with abuse, promised I wouldn't let that happen again, and that we all had work to do. I felt like that opened a door for my older son...the "favored" one...who finally started talking more.
What kind of abuse in my house? I'm not telling.
But I didn't imagine this, so this is a weird place. And LMN's blanket...I'm burrowed under it right now, afraid to come out...at least it's warm under here...but it smells like dog...I can forgive myself most of my denials. I really can. I'm getting pretty good at this forgiveness thing.
This one...could break me.
I know, cue the Lifetime music.
I know others have been there and survived.
It never ceases to amaze me how I can go from supportive and wise to shriveled and scared on a daily basis. I guess that's the ride we all hopped on, which is why SR is so valuable to me. Thanks for being here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Praying, I have this quote written in my calendar and it is for me and my own self-judgements.
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different." -Oprah
Who else but Oprah would say such a thing!? But hope is for the future, not the past. It is a good quote for me in that so often I spend my codie energy on things I cannot change - like the past. You are moving forward day by day. Thank you for sharing here.
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different." -Oprah
Who else but Oprah would say such a thing!? But hope is for the future, not the past. It is a good quote for me in that so often I spend my codie energy on things I cannot change - like the past. You are moving forward day by day. Thank you for sharing here.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You will not be broken, you and your children will heal if you give yourselves the opportunity. Glad you are going to therapy, be open and honest and show your children by example and they will follow your lead.
Tight Hugs. God Bless.
Tight Hugs. God Bless.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
(((Praying)))
Try to look at it as not the mistakes we make, but what we do in the aftermath that makes the difference. Every single one of us has lived in denial at some point in our lives.
I lived in a similar denial years back. The guilt I expressed ( physically and mentally) only managed to spread to my child, who was very vulnerable at the time. It made matters even worse.
You have a plan, and the plan is to protect your children. You are a good parent.
(((Hugs)))
Try to look at it as not the mistakes we make, but what we do in the aftermath that makes the difference. Every single one of us has lived in denial at some point in our lives.
I lived in a similar denial years back. The guilt I expressed ( physically and mentally) only managed to spread to my child, who was very vulnerable at the time. It made matters even worse.
You have a plan, and the plan is to protect your children. You are a good parent.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Praying,
I like that place they call De-Nile also. Guess sometimes I still want to go back there. I can change my past, and put my blinders on and not feel the pain that I went through.
I don't want to sound harsh here, you have a situation right now that needs to be dealt with.
It concerns your children.
When I was in denial I was really only seeing my pain, that's about all I was able to see. I wasn't seeing the pain that my children where living with growing up in an abusive household.
What I wasn't doing at the time was validating my children. I was trying to be strong, I thought that was what I was supposed to. Guess I was playing pretend games in my head. If I can pretend nothing happened then everyone will see how happy my family is. The problem with this was my children were seeing things, they were being hurt, and I pretended like nothing was wrong. It invalidates a child. It makes them afraid to speak up. They begin to doubt themselves and question their own sanity. They feel like they have no one to talk to because things just aren't talked about.
This last thing that came up could very well have happened, but maybe it didn't. I would tend to lean more towards it did, since you found some physical things over the last 2 years.
What I would do at this point (and please take what you want, and leave the rest)
I would contact DV 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and I would try to get legal advice as to how to deal with this the best way. I don't think that you should talk to your son about this yet, until you get sound advice and make a plan. The reason that I say this is because if something did happen, you don't want it to appear as if you coached him.
Continue seeing your therapist, I would also suggest group support with DV.
When you get a plan as to how you think you want to go about this, and also the visitation, talk to a lawyer, DV may also be able to help you with this.
The denial has been going on a long time, so I would want to acknowledge to the children that things weren't right and that you are seeking help for yourself to make things better.
I would want more information from specialist as to how and when you should consider counseling for your children.
I would also ask the lawyer about a court appointed representative for your teens. (GAL)
For you, I think you need to talk about everything that you went through with your therapist. You also need validation for yourself. Once you start to really speak about, you can't stay in that denial.
Above are only suggestions as to what I would do, based on knowledge that I have now, but I also can be wrong, I'm still educating myself.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) I do think you're a great mom, and you are looking after your childrens best interest.
I like that place they call De-Nile also. Guess sometimes I still want to go back there. I can change my past, and put my blinders on and not feel the pain that I went through.
I don't want to sound harsh here, you have a situation right now that needs to be dealt with.
It concerns your children.
When I was in denial I was really only seeing my pain, that's about all I was able to see. I wasn't seeing the pain that my children where living with growing up in an abusive household.
What I wasn't doing at the time was validating my children. I was trying to be strong, I thought that was what I was supposed to. Guess I was playing pretend games in my head. If I can pretend nothing happened then everyone will see how happy my family is. The problem with this was my children were seeing things, they were being hurt, and I pretended like nothing was wrong. It invalidates a child. It makes them afraid to speak up. They begin to doubt themselves and question their own sanity. They feel like they have no one to talk to because things just aren't talked about.
This last thing that came up could very well have happened, but maybe it didn't. I would tend to lean more towards it did, since you found some physical things over the last 2 years.
What I would do at this point (and please take what you want, and leave the rest)
I would contact DV 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and I would try to get legal advice as to how to deal with this the best way. I don't think that you should talk to your son about this yet, until you get sound advice and make a plan. The reason that I say this is because if something did happen, you don't want it to appear as if you coached him.
Continue seeing your therapist, I would also suggest group support with DV.
When you get a plan as to how you think you want to go about this, and also the visitation, talk to a lawyer, DV may also be able to help you with this.
The denial has been going on a long time, so I would want to acknowledge to the children that things weren't right and that you are seeking help for yourself to make things better.
I would want more information from specialist as to how and when you should consider counseling for your children.
I would also ask the lawyer about a court appointed representative for your teens. (GAL)
For you, I think you need to talk about everything that you went through with your therapist. You also need validation for yourself. Once you start to really speak about, you can't stay in that denial.
Above are only suggestions as to what I would do, based on knowledge that I have now, but I also can be wrong, I'm still educating myself.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) I do think you're a great mom, and you are looking after your childrens best interest.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I can't say thanks enough for your kind words and help. And for the push. The counselor and I discussed how to proceed. She asked what I would say to the woman in the Lifetime movie...and I'd be screaming at the tv..."you need to address this! NOW!!! Something is eating him alive!" (Why is her life so clear and I trust my opinion there, but not in my life, lol?)
We talked again about how to approach it. I'm going to have another conversation with him to start. He has been screaming at me in so many ways...he's old enough to hear what I've heard from him and that it causes me concern, but I don't know what to do with it until I know more. If he won't share I'll let him know he simply must talk to someone else.
I'm not sure if I can do this. I'm afraid of my own feelings.
Wish me luck. Not sure when I'll get the strength and be ready to make sure I say the right thing, but sometime tonight I hope to get somewhere.
We talked again about how to approach it. I'm going to have another conversation with him to start. He has been screaming at me in so many ways...he's old enough to hear what I've heard from him and that it causes me concern, but I don't know what to do with it until I know more. If he won't share I'll let him know he simply must talk to someone else.
I'm not sure if I can do this. I'm afraid of my own feelings.
Wish me luck. Not sure when I'll get the strength and be ready to make sure I say the right thing, but sometime tonight I hope to get somewhere.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am sure your therapist has cautioned you that your reaction is extremely important to your son's healing process. Please be ready to hear the "unthinkable" and respond to his needs and feelings. My prayers are with you both. May God give you the strength, courage and wisdom. My heart breaks for you and your children.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Is there someone he trusts that could talk to him about this? Maybe he would open up to someone not so closely involved. Or maybe the counselor could recommend someone.
Be brave for him, he's an angry and scared young man right now and it's important that he find some outlet where he can let it all out.
Hugs
Be brave for him, he's an angry and scared young man right now and it's important that he find some outlet where he can let it all out.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi there,
I think you are doing really good. I don't know what I would do in your position, I don't know how I would feel, and how I would be emotionally. You're in a really tough spot.
None of us here want to think the the "unthinkable" is true or would ever happen in our lives, and he is your son, and it hurts, I just wanted to say though in a situation like this, we may have to go with our heads rather then our heart.
If he start to open up to you and you feel that this could be a court thing, please don't pursue any further without child specialist, and the police.
These things do happen, and we all want to believe that it would not happen within my family, but things to happen and it doesn't matter your social standings, your income level, your race. They happen.
I really do hope that this is not the case for you.
If any of that unspeakable abuse comes up, I think you need to back off and get professionals in. I really don't want to scare you here. Maybe I watch too many TV shows.
The reason I might come across as strong in this or even perhaps harsh is this
What is the unthinkable did happen? What if it has to go to court? You don't want the case thrown out because the defendant can prove witness tampering, or even go for that parental alienation. That you are making things up, or that you convinced your son, or put him up to this.
Just know you have a lot of support here, and we are here for you.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
I think you are doing really good. I don't know what I would do in your position, I don't know how I would feel, and how I would be emotionally. You're in a really tough spot.
None of us here want to think the the "unthinkable" is true or would ever happen in our lives, and he is your son, and it hurts, I just wanted to say though in a situation like this, we may have to go with our heads rather then our heart.
If he start to open up to you and you feel that this could be a court thing, please don't pursue any further without child specialist, and the police.
These things do happen, and we all want to believe that it would not happen within my family, but things to happen and it doesn't matter your social standings, your income level, your race. They happen.
I really do hope that this is not the case for you.
If any of that unspeakable abuse comes up, I think you need to back off and get professionals in. I really don't want to scare you here. Maybe I watch too many TV shows.
The reason I might come across as strong in this or even perhaps harsh is this
What is the unthinkable did happen? What if it has to go to court? You don't want the case thrown out because the defendant can prove witness tampering, or even go for that parental alienation. That you are making things up, or that you convinced your son, or put him up to this.
Just know you have a lot of support here, and we are here for you.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I underestimated the rage.
I didn't bring up this topic directly...more geared at...it's time to open up either to me or to someone else...here are the things you've said and done that have me concerned, and I can't know what is really bugging you...
The rage took me by surprise.
The attack that something is wrong with me and I have a problem because I keep trying to make him feel flawed and like he has a problem.
The attack that I continually bring up things that I DON'T BRING UP- HE DOES.
The claim that because I'm unhappy I want to make him unhappy too and he has no problem.
The claim that me trying to talk to him and act like he has a problem makes him want to kill himself and is his only problem.
The physical tantrum from my 14 year old.
In many ways it reminded me of being in a convo with my ex. Within a few minutes I doubted my sanity and wondered if there isn't something bugging him and I AM the only one with the problem. That I have no right to question this and better back off. I can't explain how I was instantly transported to that place where I don't trust my feelings and where I question my entire reality. I couldn't believe "I was doing this to him", and I was wasting his time.
I've been well trained.
After his last insults and demands that I leave...I walked away and even though everything in me wanted to leave the house, I simply texted him that nothing is wrong with him, he is a sweet, smart, kind, loving person and I will always love him. I stayed home and resisted the urge to go talk again. I pretended to watch tv.
When I walked away, I left it that he doesn't have to talk to me, but it's time that he needs to talk to someone, and he can decide how that happens. That it's important enough to this family and that it's a family responsibility. So even though he can make his own choices, there will be family privileges revoked if he doesn't hold up his responsibility.
With some space I think this:
If nothing is bothering him, why the severe rage when I get close to it and won't let it go? Why the diversionary attacks on me? I don't think I'm crazy. Am I?
Set aside this particular fear...even a kid his age just learning to be a teen and going through what he's gone through in the last two years must have SOMETHING that eats him alive if he talks to nobody.
I really don't think I'm crazy. (Then I do.)
I really think I need to hold strong on this.
I really, really underestimated his ability to twist my world and make me question it all.
I'm really afraid that I'm going to mess this up.
.
I didn't bring up this topic directly...more geared at...it's time to open up either to me or to someone else...here are the things you've said and done that have me concerned, and I can't know what is really bugging you...
The rage took me by surprise.
The attack that something is wrong with me and I have a problem because I keep trying to make him feel flawed and like he has a problem.
The attack that I continually bring up things that I DON'T BRING UP- HE DOES.
The claim that because I'm unhappy I want to make him unhappy too and he has no problem.
The claim that me trying to talk to him and act like he has a problem makes him want to kill himself and is his only problem.
The physical tantrum from my 14 year old.
In many ways it reminded me of being in a convo with my ex. Within a few minutes I doubted my sanity and wondered if there isn't something bugging him and I AM the only one with the problem. That I have no right to question this and better back off. I can't explain how I was instantly transported to that place where I don't trust my feelings and where I question my entire reality. I couldn't believe "I was doing this to him", and I was wasting his time.
I've been well trained.
After his last insults and demands that I leave...I walked away and even though everything in me wanted to leave the house, I simply texted him that nothing is wrong with him, he is a sweet, smart, kind, loving person and I will always love him. I stayed home and resisted the urge to go talk again. I pretended to watch tv.
When I walked away, I left it that he doesn't have to talk to me, but it's time that he needs to talk to someone, and he can decide how that happens. That it's important enough to this family and that it's a family responsibility. So even though he can make his own choices, there will be family privileges revoked if he doesn't hold up his responsibility.
With some space I think this:
If nothing is bothering him, why the severe rage when I get close to it and won't let it go? Why the diversionary attacks on me? I don't think I'm crazy. Am I?
Set aside this particular fear...even a kid his age just learning to be a teen and going through what he's gone through in the last two years must have SOMETHING that eats him alive if he talks to nobody.
I really don't think I'm crazy. (Then I do.)
I really think I need to hold strong on this.
I really, really underestimated his ability to twist my world and make me question it all.
I'm really afraid that I'm going to mess this up.
.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
The rage your son has could be because whatever happened to him, if it was something sexual or not, could just be that he felt he had no control over the situation, and that he is a "man" and he is feeling shamed by not being able to protect himself or even protecting you. "Men", (I know he is a boy) feel like they should be protectors. Feelings of humiliation is a big thing for males to discuss.
I think all schools have a child psychologist on staff or part of the child study team. They deal with this stuff. Make an appointment to see the child psychologist, tell them everything, so that they can help your son in the best way. Don't talk to your son about this until you talk to them
I think all schools have a child psychologist on staff or part of the child study team. They deal with this stuff. Make an appointment to see the child psychologist, tell them everything, so that they can help your son in the best way. Don't talk to your son about this until you talk to them
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Thanks. For all of your advice these last few days. I'm having a rough day today- one of those surreal ones where you can't find the ground beneath your feet.
I'm not going to talk to him again.
It's gonna be a counselor.
He needs it, and I can't handle the slew of behaviors he learned from dad. I'm good at separating from dad's projection, gaslighting, and blame...but I guess I feel too much responsibility for having my kids in a house with him, that I can't as easily reject that from my son. He is hurting. I can't let him make me question that and back off, but I can't help him either.
Today I went to the gym AND got a pedicure trying to "do something for me", but that fog is back. Feeling like I'm not really here...and I don't really want to be.
I HATE THIS DISEASE AND ITS FALLOUT.
Thanks for listening.
I'm not going to talk to him again.
It's gonna be a counselor.
He needs it, and I can't handle the slew of behaviors he learned from dad. I'm good at separating from dad's projection, gaslighting, and blame...but I guess I feel too much responsibility for having my kids in a house with him, that I can't as easily reject that from my son. He is hurting. I can't let him make me question that and back off, but I can't help him either.
Today I went to the gym AND got a pedicure trying to "do something for me", but that fog is back. Feeling like I'm not really here...and I don't really want to be.
I HATE THIS DISEASE AND ITS FALLOUT.
Thanks for listening.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Praying...
I have no advice to offer. Just prayers, and encouragement. Find the strength inside you to do what needs to be done.
God bless.
ZoSo
I have no advice to offer. Just prayers, and encouragement. Find the strength inside you to do what needs to be done.
God bless.
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
My sons will see counselors this week. Abuse specialists.
Unofficial "confirmation" of the unthinkable for one of them arrived Saturday morning. Don't know details (not asking, that's for professionals). Hoping enough comes out before the pending Easter visit when he comes to town.
I can't describe my feelings. They jump around randomly.
I'm horribly sick.
I'm raging furious.
I'm bawling sad.
I'm zombie numb.
Walked around stores all weekend pushing an empty cart..can't be with people, can't be alone. Probably flagged as a potential shoplifter casing the place.
And still I catch myself denying. I think I honestly just can't comprehend. Flesh and blood.
I'm sorry, I know this isn't about addiction. Though people here did warn me about this, believe it or not. I just couldn't--can't--wrap my mind around it.
I keep praying.
God, this takes strength I don't feel like I have right now. I've gotta find it.
Thanks for listening.
Unofficial "confirmation" of the unthinkable for one of them arrived Saturday morning. Don't know details (not asking, that's for professionals). Hoping enough comes out before the pending Easter visit when he comes to town.
I can't describe my feelings. They jump around randomly.
I'm horribly sick.
I'm raging furious.
I'm bawling sad.
I'm zombie numb.
Walked around stores all weekend pushing an empty cart..can't be with people, can't be alone. Probably flagged as a potential shoplifter casing the place.
And still I catch myself denying. I think I honestly just can't comprehend. Flesh and blood.
I'm sorry, I know this isn't about addiction. Though people here did warn me about this, believe it or not. I just couldn't--can't--wrap my mind around it.
I keep praying.
God, this takes strength I don't feel like I have right now. I've gotta find it.
Thanks for listening.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so sorry, Praying. I can't imagine the many emotions you are feeling. I'm very glad that you have already scheduled appointments for your children. I know it's difficult not to, but please try not to question yourself. It is obvious you are a wonderful mom and love your children completely. I know you feel like you don't have the strength to deal with this, but every word you post here, every action you take shows your strength and your love. It's a rough road, but you will get through it and we will all be there to help if you need it.
I wish there were words of comfort, but I will just send some gentle hugs and pray for all of you.
I wish there were words of comfort, but I will just send some gentle hugs and pray for all of you.
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