AA Meetings Question from Spouse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: COlorado
Posts: 10
AA Meetings Question from Spouse
Hi there. I am not sure what board to post this on and I am HORRIBLE about navigating through message boards. If someone sees this and can suggest what board to post that would be GREAT. No one has posted on the friends and family board I saw since 2013.
I just have a question. My fiance' is in AA and had been sober for almost 2 years. We have been together for a little over a year and just bought a home together. He was married in the past for 14 years and cheated on his wife and they ended up getting a divorce which is why he decided to quit drinking.
I don't know why, but something told me to pick my my fiances phone the other day and I noticed he was texting a woman, nothing sexuaL or anything like that but he was telling her about his day and today he text her and asked how her day was going. Long story short i don't know how long they have been texting. He met her at AA and he says it's an AA thing that they are just friends it's all AA related. I don't buy it. Is this normal for AA to befriend someone of the opposite sex ??? I would think it wouldn't be especially if you are in a relationship? I am stressed and have been in tears all day? AM I stressing for nothing??
Any advice would be GREAT.
I just have a question. My fiance' is in AA and had been sober for almost 2 years. We have been together for a little over a year and just bought a home together. He was married in the past for 14 years and cheated on his wife and they ended up getting a divorce which is why he decided to quit drinking.
I don't know why, but something told me to pick my my fiances phone the other day and I noticed he was texting a woman, nothing sexuaL or anything like that but he was telling her about his day and today he text her and asked how her day was going. Long story short i don't know how long they have been texting. He met her at AA and he says it's an AA thing that they are just friends it's all AA related. I don't buy it. Is this normal for AA to befriend someone of the opposite sex ??? I would think it wouldn't be especially if you are in a relationship? I am stressed and have been in tears all day? AM I stressing for nothing??
Any advice would be GREAT.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
You know what you get when you sober up a horse thief?
A sober horse thief.
I'm not saying he's doing anything but you have trust issues. Trust is a key ingredient in making a relationship. If you can't feel you trust him now, might want to hold off on the marriage for a while until you can resolve this issue.
You must be having your doubts or you wouldn't be checking his phone.
A sober horse thief.
I'm not saying he's doing anything but you have trust issues. Trust is a key ingredient in making a relationship. If you can't feel you trust him now, might want to hold off on the marriage for a while until you can resolve this issue.
You must be having your doubts or you wouldn't be checking his phone.
Just a Sober ******* Now
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: S.IN
Posts: 150
I can only speak from personal experience in AA, but yes, I do have females' phone numbers from the program in my phone, and we do text every now and then. BUT, if there's a pressing issue I have, I turn to the same sex... Simply out of respect for my GF. That's me though.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
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Only speaking from personal experience, but as an active member in AA, I have several platonic female friends and text some of them regularly. Just regular stuff like how they're doing. I stick to my male friends for personal issues.
I second Dee, though. Why check the phone in the first place?
I second Dee, though. Why check the phone in the first place?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: COlorado
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Anna 
I don't use AA, but have you asked your husband about the woman he's texting?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I text a female friend in AA. We are opposite sex but we are also the same age, have similar history, are both married, have kids, and have been sober about the same length of time. In other words, lots in common to discuss.
I'm more concerned you are snooping and suspicious.
I'm more concerned you are snooping and suspicious.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
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Maybe not right.. but I wouldn't go as far to say it's unacceptable. We all have the right to our own opinion. That is what makes the world go round and why I posted on the board to begin with to get views from others. 
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Seems awful strange that he deletes them every day.
But I don't in general see a big issue with him texting her. I text a male friend from SR and there is nothing going on between us. Granted, we live several hundred miles apart so it's a bit different than your situation.
But I don't in general see a big issue with him texting her. I text a male friend from SR and there is nothing going on between us. Granted, we live several hundred miles apart so it's a bit different than your situation.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
It's much more common in AA than NA. All my AA groups have phone lists with all members on it. Just no cross sex step sponsoring. It is fine to have a service sponsor of the opposite sex.
In NA, there is very little communication outside of the rooms. At least that's how it is here.
In NA, there is very little communication outside of the rooms. At least that's how it is here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 166
This is pretty normal for people in a support group. Though it's encouraged for men to stick with men and women with women, it's 2014 and there's definitely an overlap. I think the bigger issue is that your gut told you to look through his phone. Did something else happen that prompted you to check up on him?
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
The one thing I have noticed in some of the AA meeting I have attended where I am there is not that many women there. And the woman meeting that they use to have is no longer around. So the amount of women I can connect to is very limited. Maybe this is the case?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 473
I have lots of male friends two who have had the problems I am going through with my mum.
My husband has never checked my phone and I never his.
He knows that I have a lot of male friends and just gets on with it.
I personally wouldn't be bothered if he got txt if it was aa related but the fact he feels he has to delete them not to upset u is odd.
I think u need to forget about his past and yours when it comes to previous relationships.
I defiantly wouldn't even consider marriage to somebody I didn't trust but that's just me.
My husband has never checked my phone and I never his.
He knows that I have a lot of male friends and just gets on with it.
I personally wouldn't be bothered if he got txt if it was aa related but the fact he feels he has to delete them not to upset u is odd.
I think u need to forget about his past and yours when it comes to previous relationships.
I defiantly wouldn't even consider marriage to somebody I didn't trust but that's just me.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I also have male and female connections in aa, though I seldom if ever call or text most of them.
I've been a man who had affairs in marriage before. Having been that man and never wanting to be that man again, I am a lot more conscious and careful about male-female relationships that may effect my committed relationship. Openness is an important aspect of that for me.
I've also been a man mistrusted, and your checking your fiancees phone is an eyebrow raiser. You may well have good reasons to feel trust issues - but in a committed and mature relationship those issues need to be shared and discussed and worked through.
Your man may have some relatively 'intimate' connections with both males and females in AA because that is a forum within which there is deep trust and openness and honesty are important foundations of the program. So things are shared in very personal ways. That may be something that unsettles you. For the most part, I have found that to be a healthy sort of connection and intimacy that is beneficial to most in AA and not typically a threat to relationships. I'm not saying it can't be - just that the 'norm' is not one of people hooking up in my experience.
Have you asked to attend AA with him? It might be good for you to go to some open meetings, take an active role in understanding recovery and his own experience. Sometimes I find it can be hard to open up and share and relate my experience with non-AA's. It might be something that could both bring you some comfort and also show him that you are open and interested in understanding his experience and being an active support in his recovery.
These are just the thoughts that arise for me in response to your questions.... I can't say what may be the case in your circumstance.
Hope this helps in some way.
I've been a man who had affairs in marriage before. Having been that man and never wanting to be that man again, I am a lot more conscious and careful about male-female relationships that may effect my committed relationship. Openness is an important aspect of that for me.
I've also been a man mistrusted, and your checking your fiancees phone is an eyebrow raiser. You may well have good reasons to feel trust issues - but in a committed and mature relationship those issues need to be shared and discussed and worked through.
Your man may have some relatively 'intimate' connections with both males and females in AA because that is a forum within which there is deep trust and openness and honesty are important foundations of the program. So things are shared in very personal ways. That may be something that unsettles you. For the most part, I have found that to be a healthy sort of connection and intimacy that is beneficial to most in AA and not typically a threat to relationships. I'm not saying it can't be - just that the 'norm' is not one of people hooking up in my experience.
Have you asked to attend AA with him? It might be good for you to go to some open meetings, take an active role in understanding recovery and his own experience. Sometimes I find it can be hard to open up and share and relate my experience with non-AA's. It might be something that could both bring you some comfort and also show him that you are open and interested in understanding his experience and being an active support in his recovery.
These are just the thoughts that arise for me in response to your questions.... I can't say what may be the case in your circumstance.
Hope this helps in some way.
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