"Smack Happy" & "Slow Train"
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
"Smack Happy" & "Slow Train"
Hubby didn't come home till 1 am. Sat in the car crying for half an hour before he came in the house. Didn't come to bed till 5. I got out of bed when he got in. Just snuck in for his phone, found a msg telling someone what a loser he was & that he was going to get smack happy with himself. Response of don't let her impregnate your mind with that bs (me? i didnt tell him he was a loser) & I'd like to be on that slow train now also.
I'm terrified this means exactly what I think it does. Which means his things will be out of the house when he gets home from work tonight. I have 30 min before I wake him up for work. He is referring to heroin use isn't he?
I will confront him when he wakes up.
He just asked for next week off work so he could detox, too. Why did he have to f*ck it all up.
I'm terrified this means exactly what I think it does. Which means his things will be out of the house when he gets home from work tonight. I have 30 min before I wake him up for work. He is referring to heroin use isn't he?
I will confront him when he wakes up.
He just asked for next week off work so he could detox, too. Why did he have to f*ck it all up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I doubt it was you he was referencing with the loser statement...Just stating the obvious in the twisted nature of his thinking.
And if he uses he does ... it is what addicts do, until they don't.
You can confront all you want, but will that make anything better for you? Don't you have the answers you need already?
He will be who he is, in the moment. The moment will be subject to change on his terms only.
You will have to find how you wish to live your life no matter the choices he makes. It isn't if they use or is they don't. That can't and shouldn't be any issues. What should be is what you need and want from this life. You get one ride, don't waste it.
I am sorry. I remember these days and watching that slow train ride ... it drove me nuts, but not in any normal way. Mostly I was pissed he was high and I couldn't be. Ugh, I definitely sick back then.
Take care of you, you are worth all your time.
And if he uses he does ... it is what addicts do, until they don't.
You can confront all you want, but will that make anything better for you? Don't you have the answers you need already?
He will be who he is, in the moment. The moment will be subject to change on his terms only.
You will have to find how you wish to live your life no matter the choices he makes. It isn't if they use or is they don't. That can't and shouldn't be any issues. What should be is what you need and want from this life. You get one ride, don't waste it.
I am sorry. I remember these days and watching that slow train ride ... it drove me nuts, but not in any normal way. Mostly I was pissed he was high and I couldn't be. Ugh, I definitely sick back then.
Take care of you, you are worth all your time.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I went through these same crazies with my son and I know how it eats you alive. Losing sleep worrying, mentally beating yourself up trying to figure out the insanity of addiction, fear that they will use...even when they stop using, and fear that they will die or disappear.
This thinking took me to a place darker than any I have ever known and I almost died trying to save my son.
What finally helped me find my balance again was finding recovery for myself and leaving his recovery (or lack of it) to him. I found meetings and went as if my life depended on it, because it did. I found a sponsor and began working a 12-step program that I continue to work today, even though my son has been missing more than 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere. I continue to work it because once it saw me through my crisis and bad times, it also led me to finding a better, healthier and happier way to live that I embrace today.
If you can find meetings near you, I highly recommend giving them a try. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA (my home fellowship) are three similar meetings that are about helping us find our way out of our darkness...regardless of how our addicted loved ones are doing.
I know how awful you feel and keep you in my prayers that things get better for you soon.
Hugs
This thinking took me to a place darker than any I have ever known and I almost died trying to save my son.
What finally helped me find my balance again was finding recovery for myself and leaving his recovery (or lack of it) to him. I found meetings and went as if my life depended on it, because it did. I found a sponsor and began working a 12-step program that I continue to work today, even though my son has been missing more than 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere. I continue to work it because once it saw me through my crisis and bad times, it also led me to finding a better, healthier and happier way to live that I embrace today.
If you can find meetings near you, I highly recommend giving them a try. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA (my home fellowship) are three similar meetings that are about helping us find our way out of our darkness...regardless of how our addicted loved ones are doing.
I know how awful you feel and keep you in my prayers that things get better for you soon.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
There is just so much on the line. I've always put my foot down at heroin use. We recently fought because I asked him if he has done it, and he said no, but he couldn't tell me if I did since I'd made it clear I would leave. So, I changed my "ultimatum", and told him if he had done it & was honest, I wouldn't immediately walk out the door. If he had & lied, I would be gone. If he had & continued to use it without seeking help to stop, I would be gone. He said this morning that "smack happy" referred to pain killers, not heroin. I told him trust is out the window & as long as he keeps deleting all his texts & acting like he has something to hide, of course I will assume that he is doing something wrong, and he did say that he understands my paranoia that he is doing heroin, but that he isn't.
I don't know. If I could prove he was doing heroin last night, then my son & I will be going to my moms until I get him moved out of our house. I don't want to do that unless I have to.
He had an assessment, they called him & left him a msg Tuesday. He won't call them back because he's decided to detox next week & go to meetings on his own. I told him this morning that he has to call the clinic, and if he really wanted to do it on his own he would already be going to meetings but that I want him doing the program they want him in because if he really could fix this he would've weeks ago.
It's just such a waiting game at this point. Nothing is getting better, but it's not really getting worse. It's driving me crazy.
and, incitingsilence, part of me being so frustrated is because I am pregnant & can't smoke weed. I am glad that I am pregnant and unable to smoke because I know the reality is that I am much more able to see & deal with our problems when I am sober. I feel bad for him that I am capable of smoking w/o it destroying our life, and we have talked about that for the future, because he isn't interested in smoking and I am a much happier person when I am, but I don't want to shove it in his face that I can have my drug & he can't have his...but I don't have an addictive gene in my body & that is all he has so oh well. Now, I would not smoke if it was affecting his recovery in a negative way.
BLEH.
Off to work. Done with dealing with him & his crap for a while. I'll love & care for our son enough for the both of us.
I don't know. If I could prove he was doing heroin last night, then my son & I will be going to my moms until I get him moved out of our house. I don't want to do that unless I have to.
He had an assessment, they called him & left him a msg Tuesday. He won't call them back because he's decided to detox next week & go to meetings on his own. I told him this morning that he has to call the clinic, and if he really wanted to do it on his own he would already be going to meetings but that I want him doing the program they want him in because if he really could fix this he would've weeks ago.
It's just such a waiting game at this point. Nothing is getting better, but it's not really getting worse. It's driving me crazy.
and, incitingsilence, part of me being so frustrated is because I am pregnant & can't smoke weed. I am glad that I am pregnant and unable to smoke because I know the reality is that I am much more able to see & deal with our problems when I am sober. I feel bad for him that I am capable of smoking w/o it destroying our life, and we have talked about that for the future, because he isn't interested in smoking and I am a much happier person when I am, but I don't want to shove it in his face that I can have my drug & he can't have his...but I don't have an addictive gene in my body & that is all he has so oh well. Now, I would not smoke if it was affecting his recovery in a negative way.
BLEH.
Off to work. Done with dealing with him & his crap for a while. I'll love & care for our son enough for the both of us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Please understand a drug, is a drug, is drug. Only difference I could ever find for me anyway is a preference thing, some are way better than others.
Heroin doesn't need the power and fear it is constantly given. It loves it, but sure doesn't need it.
Also understand...
That in this insanity, it is only a matter of time, and the thinking that one is in control of the drug they are using can become an illusion real quick. I picked up drinking again because of that look of high drove me absolutely insane. But he wasn't the blame, it was on me...my action, my reaction to him. And the reaction was a direct result of my health, well maybe that should read lack of...
Maybe this way. I have been known to ask those who drink socially why they do ... and they say a lot of things like to relax, to have fun, to let go ... to which I ask can't you do that without drinking. See I don't understanding drinking or drugs for that matter for fun, to relax ... I never used to do those things. There was a purpose, I was driven ... loving the high would be a big one, wish more would at least give that as an answer, at least that one I find honest ...
I was an awesome hypocrite. I really had no leg to stand on ever telling him he couldn't use. He had every right to use if he choose to ... what I had every right to do was change my situation if I couldn't live with that fact.
Somewhere in the mix it all got really weird. I remember he would call to ask if I wanted anything from the liquor store ... like that would somehow get me to miss the fact that he had shoot up...we did sick so well together. So glad that is all over.
Also I have to ask, are you willing to go to any length for your own health. It is real easy to tell another what we think they should or need to do ... but to take that chance ourselves for our own best interest, well that is sometimes a whole another story.
I wouldn't wish this road on anyone...
Take good care of you, especially now. The stress of addiction is not good pregnant... been there done that one too.
Heroin doesn't need the power and fear it is constantly given. It loves it, but sure doesn't need it.
Also understand...
That in this insanity, it is only a matter of time, and the thinking that one is in control of the drug they are using can become an illusion real quick. I picked up drinking again because of that look of high drove me absolutely insane. But he wasn't the blame, it was on me...my action, my reaction to him. And the reaction was a direct result of my health, well maybe that should read lack of...
Maybe this way. I have been known to ask those who drink socially why they do ... and they say a lot of things like to relax, to have fun, to let go ... to which I ask can't you do that without drinking. See I don't understanding drinking or drugs for that matter for fun, to relax ... I never used to do those things. There was a purpose, I was driven ... loving the high would be a big one, wish more would at least give that as an answer, at least that one I find honest ...
I was an awesome hypocrite. I really had no leg to stand on ever telling him he couldn't use. He had every right to use if he choose to ... what I had every right to do was change my situation if I couldn't live with that fact.
Somewhere in the mix it all got really weird. I remember he would call to ask if I wanted anything from the liquor store ... like that would somehow get me to miss the fact that he had shoot up...we did sick so well together. So glad that is all over.
Also I have to ask, are you willing to go to any length for your own health. It is real easy to tell another what we think they should or need to do ... but to take that chance ourselves for our own best interest, well that is sometimes a whole another story.
I wouldn't wish this road on anyone...
Take good care of you, especially now. The stress of addiction is not good pregnant... been there done that one too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
It's official! Heroin addict for a husband.
Finally got the proof i've been looking for. Texted his sister, since I don't have a car to go see her, all of our problems. She called me & told me that he's addicted to heroin. His dad, brother, and 2 sisters have known from the past 3 weeks to 6 days. I got my kid away from my husband, his dad had him today & had just dropped him off to him, then I blew up at his dad for knowing for 3 weeks and not telling me. But he knew I'd leave him. I don't understand the thought process there, because if he would have managed to hide it & get help & clean up, and 5 years down the road told me, I would leave him then for being a liar.
So I'm now 25 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old son and no husband. I know life will be better without him, but it sucks that that is the reality. And that my son & unborn daughter will very likely grow up with absolutely no memory/knowledge of their dad & grandpa.
I feel so sick, physically & mentally. I did text him & tell him that he is an adult who needs to make his own decisions, but if he chooses drugs over the help his brother is offering him, he will lose any shred of respect I could find for him.
HE'S SUCH AN A$$HOLE FOR RUINING MY FAMILY. I CAN'T EVEN PROCESS HOW MUCH I HATE HIM RIGHT NOW.
I am going to his mom's tomorrow to let her know what's going on. I don't appreciate his family keeping me in the dark & she needs to know before she gets a call that he got a bad batch & is dead.
So I'm now 25 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old son and no husband. I know life will be better without him, but it sucks that that is the reality. And that my son & unborn daughter will very likely grow up with absolutely no memory/knowledge of their dad & grandpa.
I feel so sick, physically & mentally. I did text him & tell him that he is an adult who needs to make his own decisions, but if he chooses drugs over the help his brother is offering him, he will lose any shred of respect I could find for him.
HE'S SUCH AN A$$HOLE FOR RUINING MY FAMILY. I CAN'T EVEN PROCESS HOW MUCH I HATE HIM RIGHT NOW.
I am going to his mom's tomorrow to let her know what's going on. I don't appreciate his family keeping me in the dark & she needs to know before she gets a call that he got a bad batch & is dead.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I'm so sorry...sending you prayers and wishing you strength for the coming weeks. Stay strong and be true to your children.
It will likely get tough when your anger subsides a little and other feelings barge in, so if at all possible be prepared with some self-love and a good support system.
You are brave.
Hugs!!!
It will likely get tough when your anger subsides a little and other feelings barge in, so if at all possible be prepared with some self-love and a good support system.
You are brave.
Hugs!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
It is getting harder.
I've got his phone shut off, cancelling the car ins on the car that he has had sitting in the garage for a month not running. I will be selling it. I will be getting our other car back from him today. He is staying at his brothers and his mom has been there all night, they are getting him into an outpatient treatment today which is NOT going to be what he needs but it is a start. Talked to his boss last night to let them know he won't be coming back any time soon, and made sure he'll get all vacation & personal days he has available paid so that I will have that check coming to help with bills.
I also brokedown while watching Pooh with my 2 year old, realizing that I will not have another evening with my husband, it will be me & 2 kids sitting on the couch watching cartoons, and then me doing baths & feeding them & cleaning & everything. Which I was already doing, but to accept that this will be the next years of my life is just so sad. So I called my sister & talked to her till my mom came over to hang out with me.
I also called his dad and told him he needs to stay out of his sons life for a little while. He's had 3 weeks to help him & nothing has gotten better. Instead he encouraged him to lie to me, which gave me no option but to leave. If my husband could have come to me and been honest & asked for help, we might be in a different place.
I want to hang on to that glimmer of hope that maybe in 3-5 years we can be together again, but realistically, I know I can't let myself think that. This disease has him in his grips sooo hard.
That might be the hardest part. I know he wants help. But I don't think he can ignore the call of the heroin to actually follow through on help. So how do you help someone who won't help themselves? He shot up in his brothers bathroom while his dad & brother were in the other room. Is it rational to think we (meaning his family, as I know I have to be gone for him to get any better) can essentially force him to detox to get his brain partway back to be able to ask for help?
I've got his phone shut off, cancelling the car ins on the car that he has had sitting in the garage for a month not running. I will be selling it. I will be getting our other car back from him today. He is staying at his brothers and his mom has been there all night, they are getting him into an outpatient treatment today which is NOT going to be what he needs but it is a start. Talked to his boss last night to let them know he won't be coming back any time soon, and made sure he'll get all vacation & personal days he has available paid so that I will have that check coming to help with bills.
I also brokedown while watching Pooh with my 2 year old, realizing that I will not have another evening with my husband, it will be me & 2 kids sitting on the couch watching cartoons, and then me doing baths & feeding them & cleaning & everything. Which I was already doing, but to accept that this will be the next years of my life is just so sad. So I called my sister & talked to her till my mom came over to hang out with me.
I also called his dad and told him he needs to stay out of his sons life for a little while. He's had 3 weeks to help him & nothing has gotten better. Instead he encouraged him to lie to me, which gave me no option but to leave. If my husband could have come to me and been honest & asked for help, we might be in a different place.
I want to hang on to that glimmer of hope that maybe in 3-5 years we can be together again, but realistically, I know I can't let myself think that. This disease has him in his grips sooo hard.
That might be the hardest part. I know he wants help. But I don't think he can ignore the call of the heroin to actually follow through on help. So how do you help someone who won't help themselves? He shot up in his brothers bathroom while his dad & brother were in the other room. Is it rational to think we (meaning his family, as I know I have to be gone for him to get any better) can essentially force him to detox to get his brain partway back to be able to ask for help?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 123
No one can force him into recovery- it has to be something that he wants.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I too have a toddler and am pregnant while living with a pill addict- I know your pain of dealing with that. I don't know your pain of living without the addict yet. But please know you are not alone (no matter how lonely you feel right now), so many on here have been exactly where you are right now. And I think the advice they would give you- is to please seek recovery for yourself in programs such as Nar-Anon, plus private therapy of some sort.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I too have a toddler and am pregnant while living with a pill addict- I know your pain of dealing with that. I don't know your pain of living without the addict yet. But please know you are not alone (no matter how lonely you feel right now), so many on here have been exactly where you are right now. And I think the advice they would give you- is to please seek recovery for yourself in programs such as Nar-Anon, plus private therapy of some sort.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
This is an inside job for him and he will have to find his way, on his time line…Being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I do truly believe my husband wanted to stop … but that didn’t at all mean he would … and not that he couldn’t, because he was very capable of that … but would he, and when and how … well none of that was mine surely.
I think for many it is hard at times to see that even in the chaos in all the bad that should and does happen because one is using that the addict might actually love it all …
And the only important question you need to ask yourself is if you are done yet? And that has nothing to do with staying or leaving, but you have a lot of opinions of what you think will or won’t help him and who should be or not be in his life … Maybe it is more practical to be looking at and working on your own feelings and what is good or isn’t for you … because you will not be able to get him to see what is or isn’t for him.
Take good care of you.
I do truly believe my husband wanted to stop … but that didn’t at all mean he would … and not that he couldn’t, because he was very capable of that … but would he, and when and how … well none of that was mine surely.
I think for many it is hard at times to see that even in the chaos in all the bad that should and does happen because one is using that the addict might actually love it all …
And the only important question you need to ask yourself is if you are done yet? And that has nothing to do with staying or leaving, but you have a lot of opinions of what you think will or won’t help him and who should be or not be in his life … Maybe it is more practical to be looking at and working on your own feelings and what is good or isn’t for you … because you will not be able to get him to see what is or isn’t for him.
Take good care of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
im so sorry you are going through this.
the chaos I can feel in your posts are also what my life is like these days too.
I left, came back and am now in the exact same situation I was before. all the while, being assured nothing Is happening and that I for sure, must be crazy.
those kids are better off with the stability and peace of a single mom, than the craziness of a marriage that just won't work if one person is already mentally sold on something else. in our case, it feels like cheating. drugs are the 3rd party.
I hope everything works out for you.
the chaos I can feel in your posts are also what my life is like these days too.
I left, came back and am now in the exact same situation I was before. all the while, being assured nothing Is happening and that I for sure, must be crazy.
those kids are better off with the stability and peace of a single mom, than the craziness of a marriage that just won't work if one person is already mentally sold on something else. in our case, it feels like cheating. drugs are the 3rd party.
I hope everything works out for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
Anxiouswife, that is something I realized. He has been having an emotional affair with pills since we met. Then he met heroin, and gained a mistress.
His family, when the sh*t hit the fan, all supported me in divorcing him. Now, several days into it, helping him detox & being encouraged by his attitude, etc, I am hearing that trials can make couples stronger. Well....Yea they can. Him coming to me when he was thinking about doing it, when he had done it once, etc, that could have made us stronger. This? He has broken everything into tiny pieces. If we manage to glue everything back together, that won't be stronger. It'll be weak & prone to shattering all over again. His son & I weren't enough for him before, how can I ever believe we will be enough for him?
* Yesterday I filled his grandma in on everything. He had seen her last week because she knew I didn't have an oven, and for my sons birthday she wanted me to be able to get an oven. He told me she gave him $100. Turns out it was $250. I didn't see a penny of it. So much anger came flooding back. I kept telling myself "oh hes an pill addict but he doesnt lie to me" wrong. "oh hes an addict but he would never steal for his addiction" WRONG. He stole my sons birthday present!!!! How much lower can you freaking go???? No wonder he couldn't come home & sat in the car crying in our driveway that night!!! $250 spent over Thur/Fri/Sat. I wouldn't let myself buy a freaking $15 purse for months because we were so broke!
And I know it's the addiction that made him steal, he isn't himself anymore, etc, etc,....but HE PUT HIMSELF IN THE POSITION TO BECOME A HEROIN ADDICT. No one put that poison in his veins but him!!!!! So its just bs that it wasn't really him lying to me and taking money from our family.
People don't ask for cancer. He gave himself a heroin addiction. He never sought help for the pill addiction. He let himself get ruined by a cancer he created.
His family, when the sh*t hit the fan, all supported me in divorcing him. Now, several days into it, helping him detox & being encouraged by his attitude, etc, I am hearing that trials can make couples stronger. Well....Yea they can. Him coming to me when he was thinking about doing it, when he had done it once, etc, that could have made us stronger. This? He has broken everything into tiny pieces. If we manage to glue everything back together, that won't be stronger. It'll be weak & prone to shattering all over again. His son & I weren't enough for him before, how can I ever believe we will be enough for him?
* Yesterday I filled his grandma in on everything. He had seen her last week because she knew I didn't have an oven, and for my sons birthday she wanted me to be able to get an oven. He told me she gave him $100. Turns out it was $250. I didn't see a penny of it. So much anger came flooding back. I kept telling myself "oh hes an pill addict but he doesnt lie to me" wrong. "oh hes an addict but he would never steal for his addiction" WRONG. He stole my sons birthday present!!!! How much lower can you freaking go???? No wonder he couldn't come home & sat in the car crying in our driveway that night!!! $250 spent over Thur/Fri/Sat. I wouldn't let myself buy a freaking $15 purse for months because we were so broke!
And I know it's the addiction that made him steal, he isn't himself anymore, etc, etc,....but HE PUT HIMSELF IN THE POSITION TO BECOME A HEROIN ADDICT. No one put that poison in his veins but him!!!!! So its just bs that it wasn't really him lying to me and taking money from our family.
People don't ask for cancer. He gave himself a heroin addiction. He never sought help for the pill addiction. He let himself get ruined by a cancer he created.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
I feel ya. that's awful. the past 2 years, if anyone gets a birthday card in our house in the mail, I hide it. if theres money in it, it'll be gone before anyone gets the chance to open it. and my daughters piggy bank? I hid it downstairs in the laundry room..in piles of blankets so he wont take any more cash out of it.
it is SICK what we deal with.
my husband is in total denial. he says he thinks he has a life threatening disease-- like cancer - because of his night sweats, pain and nausea. and all the while I find straws in his truck where he just snorted some pills up his nose before he came in from work. SERIOUSLY?! yes, he does have a lifethreatening disease. that he is contributing to each and every day instead of getting help.
it is SICK what we deal with.
my husband is in total denial. he says he thinks he has a life threatening disease-- like cancer - because of his night sweats, pain and nausea. and all the while I find straws in his truck where he just snorted some pills up his nose before he came in from work. SERIOUSLY?! yes, he does have a lifethreatening disease. that he is contributing to each and every day instead of getting help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
Alrighty I need help here. MIL called today with an update, he went to the doctor, they put him on suboxine and he goes back tomorrow to see how it went & then they'll prescribe him a week's worth. He will also start the outpatient treatment.
She is very excited about the progress he has shown. No resentment, no anger, all positive, wants his life back. His dad showed up yesterday to give him some of his prescription sleeping pills-turned out to be xanax. They were worried he would take off w/ his dad, but he did not & turned the pills over to his mom and did not take any. (I won't go into my opinion of a father who would give his sober for 5 days addict son narcotics).
His mom feels like he has hit a point where he needs to see the kiddo & I & talked me into coming out on Saturday for dinner. Oh let me back up. She told me:
WE will need to get into a routine
WE will have to make a point to go out for a walk or something everyday
WE will have to plan for each day before we go to bed
WE etc etc etc...
Now,
I was trying to do some of those things.
I was trying to save our marriage.
I did not develop a heroin addiction.
I deserve better than someone who would try heroin knowing he had a 2 yr old son at home.
I told her I had called the treatment center and spoken with them and found out the price & husband decided he wasn't worth the almost 5 thousand dollar bill. I told her I left it up to him to pursue the treatment because if he didn't want to get better I couldn't make him but that I told him he was worth the 5 grand.
"Well someone had to make him"
OH and we need to FORGIVE EACH OTHER.
WTF did I DO that needs forgiven?
Love my son for the both of us? Take care of him when my husband checked out on us both?
I told her I told him 4 years ago that I would have to leave if he did heroin, and if I don't I'm no better than his father.
"well he had an addiction then so he didn't understand that. You were both doing drugs when you started your relationship so blah blah blah"
She is trying to save his family. NO. Save your son, that is fine. He has lost his family. That is the position he put me in. He needs to EARN his family back.
"Why didn't you go back to his alcoholic father when he sobered up after you left him"
"I dealt with him for 7 years before I left him"
Okay...so I should give my husband 7 years? I should wait till my son is 9 & daughter is 7 to give up on their father??
NO.
and I made a very stupid mistake (hours before I got the update). I sent him a message on facebook, very rambly and conversation-y. I asked him in the first line not to read it until he was further along in his recovery. I really didn't think he would be online yet. I did get back on a while later to delete the message because I knew it was stupid, and he had responded. I sent him a msg back and told him that I didn't want to hurt his recovery because I have too much anger to really talk to him right now, etc but if he focuses on getting better then the future will turn out all right.
So I have to see him Saturday for dinner. I don't have to, but I agreed to. I want him to get better. I do not want him to get better for us. I don't want to give him false hope, because he will be getting divorce papers, probably not next week but the week after.
SO....who out there has any advice on this? I want to make the right decisions. 1 +1 = 2, and 8 years of consistent drug use leading to heroin use leads to loss of family. The decision I have come to is that we need to divorce. I know this is the right decision. I talked myself through circles that all came to the same conclusion. His mom is doing her damndest to change my mind, and it won't work because I'm going to look at him Saturday and think "he took my sons birthday present and injected into his veins. He has lied to me for months. He did not respect me" and I'm going to get mad. I won't act on that, I will put on my happy face, which i will modify to do my best not to give him false hope. I did tell his mom that I DO NOT want him thinking that he is getting better now and he can walk back into our lives.
Oh i'm so frustrated with her. I know she has a very different outlook because she wants to save her son & she wants to believe that he will be in that 2% that are save-able the first time around, and I can't afford to be that optimistic, I have to be realistic. And her talking to me like 1) I have no idea what to do as a wife and 2) that he is going to be back in our house within a couple months really pissed me off.
Oh, and we can't forget his coming court date! and the one 2-3 months after that that where he will be sentenced & potentially go to prison! I should bring him back into my house just to develop a closer bond with his son right before he (possibly) gets taken back out of his life for possibly years? That seems to me like no one cares that that will leave me ready to pop out another kid at any moment while dealing with my son missing his father. Right now isn't bad-he wasn't around anyway so he doesn't miss him that much.
*in case i didn't really show it-I am proud of his success this far. I do support him & his recovery. I still love & care for him deeply. I would love it if he can come out of this a better man. I just can't count on it, and he has to repair so much damage- learn financial responsibility on his own and make his debts right is the biggest one for me, besides being honest with me about what actually happened 6 months ago & since then.
She is very excited about the progress he has shown. No resentment, no anger, all positive, wants his life back. His dad showed up yesterday to give him some of his prescription sleeping pills-turned out to be xanax. They were worried he would take off w/ his dad, but he did not & turned the pills over to his mom and did not take any. (I won't go into my opinion of a father who would give his sober for 5 days addict son narcotics).
His mom feels like he has hit a point where he needs to see the kiddo & I & talked me into coming out on Saturday for dinner. Oh let me back up. She told me:
WE will need to get into a routine
WE will have to make a point to go out for a walk or something everyday
WE will have to plan for each day before we go to bed
WE etc etc etc...
Now,
I was trying to do some of those things.
I was trying to save our marriage.
I did not develop a heroin addiction.
I deserve better than someone who would try heroin knowing he had a 2 yr old son at home.
I told her I had called the treatment center and spoken with them and found out the price & husband decided he wasn't worth the almost 5 thousand dollar bill. I told her I left it up to him to pursue the treatment because if he didn't want to get better I couldn't make him but that I told him he was worth the 5 grand.
"Well someone had to make him"
OH and we need to FORGIVE EACH OTHER.
WTF did I DO that needs forgiven?
Love my son for the both of us? Take care of him when my husband checked out on us both?
I told her I told him 4 years ago that I would have to leave if he did heroin, and if I don't I'm no better than his father.
"well he had an addiction then so he didn't understand that. You were both doing drugs when you started your relationship so blah blah blah"
She is trying to save his family. NO. Save your son, that is fine. He has lost his family. That is the position he put me in. He needs to EARN his family back.
"Why didn't you go back to his alcoholic father when he sobered up after you left him"
"I dealt with him for 7 years before I left him"
Okay...so I should give my husband 7 years? I should wait till my son is 9 & daughter is 7 to give up on their father??
NO.
and I made a very stupid mistake (hours before I got the update). I sent him a message on facebook, very rambly and conversation-y. I asked him in the first line not to read it until he was further along in his recovery. I really didn't think he would be online yet. I did get back on a while later to delete the message because I knew it was stupid, and he had responded. I sent him a msg back and told him that I didn't want to hurt his recovery because I have too much anger to really talk to him right now, etc but if he focuses on getting better then the future will turn out all right.
So I have to see him Saturday for dinner. I don't have to, but I agreed to. I want him to get better. I do not want him to get better for us. I don't want to give him false hope, because he will be getting divorce papers, probably not next week but the week after.
SO....who out there has any advice on this? I want to make the right decisions. 1 +1 = 2, and 8 years of consistent drug use leading to heroin use leads to loss of family. The decision I have come to is that we need to divorce. I know this is the right decision. I talked myself through circles that all came to the same conclusion. His mom is doing her damndest to change my mind, and it won't work because I'm going to look at him Saturday and think "he took my sons birthday present and injected into his veins. He has lied to me for months. He did not respect me" and I'm going to get mad. I won't act on that, I will put on my happy face, which i will modify to do my best not to give him false hope. I did tell his mom that I DO NOT want him thinking that he is getting better now and he can walk back into our lives.
Oh i'm so frustrated with her. I know she has a very different outlook because she wants to save her son & she wants to believe that he will be in that 2% that are save-able the first time around, and I can't afford to be that optimistic, I have to be realistic. And her talking to me like 1) I have no idea what to do as a wife and 2) that he is going to be back in our house within a couple months really pissed me off.
Oh, and we can't forget his coming court date! and the one 2-3 months after that that where he will be sentenced & potentially go to prison! I should bring him back into my house just to develop a closer bond with his son right before he (possibly) gets taken back out of his life for possibly years? That seems to me like no one cares that that will leave me ready to pop out another kid at any moment while dealing with my son missing his father. Right now isn't bad-he wasn't around anyway so he doesn't miss him that much.
*in case i didn't really show it-I am proud of his success this far. I do support him & his recovery. I still love & care for him deeply. I would love it if he can come out of this a better man. I just can't count on it, and he has to repair so much damage- learn financial responsibility on his own and make his debts right is the biggest one for me, besides being honest with me about what actually happened 6 months ago & since then.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Addiction is addiction is addiction. I am confused why you thought pills were less evil then heroin? My husband is addicted to pills and the behavior is the same. Lying, blame shifting, manipulation, deflection. Pure insanity and tough to get off and stay clean. Any and all drugs are just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
That said, I think you are wise to remove your son and you from all this. Suboxone can be a good tool but it is not a cure. My husband "tried" the suboxone route and NA it wasn't enough. It was a bandaid on a broken leg. When he went off it, the drugs were screaming in his head and he went right back to pills. IMO, he just wasn't ready.
Also, you are allowed to change your mind about dinner. If you are not ready, you are not ready.
Maybe it would be helpful if you and his mother started attending alanon or naranon??? It would certainly benefit you all, including him.
Lastly, be careful about the "recovery card." If you keep reading here, you will see the pattern. Most addicts will play it to keep their families in tact. It's pure manipulation. If they have their addictions and families, it easy for them to say "see, it's not THAT bad." Often times, I feel like I was a "beard" for my husband's addiction. Sad but true!!
That said, I think you are wise to remove your son and you from all this. Suboxone can be a good tool but it is not a cure. My husband "tried" the suboxone route and NA it wasn't enough. It was a bandaid on a broken leg. When he went off it, the drugs were screaming in his head and he went right back to pills. IMO, he just wasn't ready.
Also, you are allowed to change your mind about dinner. If you are not ready, you are not ready.
Maybe it would be helpful if you and his mother started attending alanon or naranon??? It would certainly benefit you all, including him.
Lastly, be careful about the "recovery card." If you keep reading here, you will see the pattern. Most addicts will play it to keep their families in tact. It's pure manipulation. If they have their addictions and families, it easy for them to say "see, it's not THAT bad." Often times, I feel like I was a "beard" for my husband's addiction. Sad but true!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Im sorry you are going through all this SadWife. Your story has a lot of similarities to mine; right down to being pregnant while he was in active addiction. I had a 5 month old son at the time he entered inpatient rehab...
I wish I could say something that would help ease all the feelings I know you must have right now. I think this is just something you have to go through, and sort out in your own time. Anger is very normal especially given all you have been through. Fear is also normal because there is so much at stake, and the future is uncertain. No one can tell you what kind of outcome your husband will have. Only time will reveal this... and even if your marriage ends, there will be the kids and that parental relationship that will exist between you.
I started therapy when my husband went into treatment. It was a real blessing to me; helped me learn about addiction, understand my emotions regarding the past/present/future specific to my life. If you have this option for yourself I would suggest giving it a try.
I had some issues with my in-laws also.. we didn't always agree but in the end it just came down to my accepting they had the right to feel and act as they wished. I had the same right.
If you haven't read a lot about addiction and how it affects the brain then I would suggest going over to National Institute of Drug Abuse website. A lot of my anger was resolved once I learned and accepted he really wasn't thinking logically when he was using, and although it felt like it at the time - most of his actions really had nothing to do with disrespecting me or our family. He was just really sick. What also helped me - after he had some time in recovery; he accepted full responsibility and made effort to change and bring healing.
It may just be too early for a weekend dinner.... emotions may be too high for everyone at this point. I would think about it. I did take my son for visits as much as possible. It helped my husband, he enjoyed it, and it motivated him because he cared about his role of husband / father. My son was an infant at the time, so I didn't have to worry about the emotional aspect. That is something that as a mom - just trust your instincts because you will know what's best for your son.
My husband did find recovery based on the rehab experience & continued care with therapy. He wasn't on heroin; he did a mix of pain meds, coke, Xanax. He was inpatient for 90 days and then came home to us. But at the beginning there is just no way to tell how it will go... prayers going up for all of you tonight
I wish I could say something that would help ease all the feelings I know you must have right now. I think this is just something you have to go through, and sort out in your own time. Anger is very normal especially given all you have been through. Fear is also normal because there is so much at stake, and the future is uncertain. No one can tell you what kind of outcome your husband will have. Only time will reveal this... and even if your marriage ends, there will be the kids and that parental relationship that will exist between you.
I started therapy when my husband went into treatment. It was a real blessing to me; helped me learn about addiction, understand my emotions regarding the past/present/future specific to my life. If you have this option for yourself I would suggest giving it a try.
I had some issues with my in-laws also.. we didn't always agree but in the end it just came down to my accepting they had the right to feel and act as they wished. I had the same right.
If you haven't read a lot about addiction and how it affects the brain then I would suggest going over to National Institute of Drug Abuse website. A lot of my anger was resolved once I learned and accepted he really wasn't thinking logically when he was using, and although it felt like it at the time - most of his actions really had nothing to do with disrespecting me or our family. He was just really sick. What also helped me - after he had some time in recovery; he accepted full responsibility and made effort to change and bring healing.
It may just be too early for a weekend dinner.... emotions may be too high for everyone at this point. I would think about it. I did take my son for visits as much as possible. It helped my husband, he enjoyed it, and it motivated him because he cared about his role of husband / father. My son was an infant at the time, so I didn't have to worry about the emotional aspect. That is something that as a mom - just trust your instincts because you will know what's best for your son.
My husband did find recovery based on the rehab experience & continued care with therapy. He wasn't on heroin; he did a mix of pain meds, coke, Xanax. He was inpatient for 90 days and then came home to us. But at the beginning there is just no way to tell how it will go... prayers going up for all of you tonight
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Ps. Watch out for the word "trying." It is just more manipulation. People are either doing or they aren't. Addicts love loop holes.
I used to get sucked in by that word. Other RAs warned me about it. Just tonight, I received a text from my husband and he is "trying" to get clean.....which means he is not. He can't live without me, blah, blah, blah. It's amazing how transparent he is now to me that I have had some time away from him.
I know he loves me, but I also know he is not ready to stop and just wants his status quo life back. I, on the other hand, want something better.
I used to get sucked in by that word. Other RAs warned me about it. Just tonight, I received a text from my husband and he is "trying" to get clean.....which means he is not. He can't live without me, blah, blah, blah. It's amazing how transparent he is now to me that I have had some time away from him.
I know he loves me, but I also know he is not ready to stop and just wants his status quo life back. I, on the other hand, want something better.
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