Bottoms
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Bottoms
Hitting Bottom
by Eric Brown, MSW, LCSW, CAC
Director, Center for Addictive Diseases
When addiction and all its factors are discussed, the concept of "Hitting Bottom" is one that raises a lot of questions. There are often conflicts about whether hitting bottom is really "necessary" before an addict really awakens to his/her need to seek help. But it does seem to be a human reality that before things can get better, there has to be a realization that things are getting worse. Hitting Bottom is that part of a person's life that is now painful enough that seeking help becomes a necessity.
What is really important to understand is that addiction is a progressive disease. The consequences do not remain always at the same level. The consequences do not hit a certain point, and then remain there forever. Because of the tendency to increase ones amount and frequency of alcohol or drug use, the consequences deepen. The usual consequences which point in the direction of "the bottom" may include one or more of the following factors: health, family, career, financial, moral, spiritual or legal. Each individual has varying levels of "when I am at the bottom". Levels of excuses, rationalizations, lying and/or tolerance to pain make each person's bottom different.
SO WHERE IS BOTTOM?
The most important question a person needs to ask him/herself is: "Am I at the point where the pain I feel from my addiction outweighs the 'pleasure' or relief I am seeking? Am I really heading down now?" For some, hopefully, that becomes the motivating factor which leads them to a chance for survival and wellness.
If we look beyond the dynamics of drug/alcohol abuse, into other areas of our lives, hitting a bottom plays a part. Is over-eating finally putting our health at risk? Is smoking causing emphysema or lung cancer? Is gambling ruining my financial existence? Is my work addiction ruining my relationships? When we look at these realities, the question is: When are we finally ready to make changes? That is why we often ask ourselves and others "Why are we doing this to ourselves? Don't we see the consequences?" We all have different answers to that age old question.
The real consequences of hitting bottom makes it difficult for the addict's loved ones to cope. They try and try to convince the person to get help and spend a lot of time pointing out the consequences they see. Many people involved in the addict's life attempt to reduce, repair or remove the consequences. When this occurs the opposite of the desired result happens. We get into "enabling". We are removing the consequences for the addict, hoping that will make these problems go away. Unfortunately, until the addict sees or feels these consequences for themselves, help becomes "something I don't need". So while we do not wish that addicted people "hit bottom" it is a human reality that we need to allow to happen.
Yes, the addict's life can be painful, guilt-producing and a source of worry and stress for family and friends. But the truth is that pain, guilt and worry must be felt by the addict, not removed by the family. Those feelings may trigger the addict's "Hitting Bottom" and making a sincere effort to seek help.
by Eric Brown, MSW, LCSW, CAC
Director, Center for Addictive Diseases
When addiction and all its factors are discussed, the concept of "Hitting Bottom" is one that raises a lot of questions. There are often conflicts about whether hitting bottom is really "necessary" before an addict really awakens to his/her need to seek help. But it does seem to be a human reality that before things can get better, there has to be a realization that things are getting worse. Hitting Bottom is that part of a person's life that is now painful enough that seeking help becomes a necessity.
What is really important to understand is that addiction is a progressive disease. The consequences do not remain always at the same level. The consequences do not hit a certain point, and then remain there forever. Because of the tendency to increase ones amount and frequency of alcohol or drug use, the consequences deepen. The usual consequences which point in the direction of "the bottom" may include one or more of the following factors: health, family, career, financial, moral, spiritual or legal. Each individual has varying levels of "when I am at the bottom". Levels of excuses, rationalizations, lying and/or tolerance to pain make each person's bottom different.
SO WHERE IS BOTTOM?
The most important question a person needs to ask him/herself is: "Am I at the point where the pain I feel from my addiction outweighs the 'pleasure' or relief I am seeking? Am I really heading down now?" For some, hopefully, that becomes the motivating factor which leads them to a chance for survival and wellness.
If we look beyond the dynamics of drug/alcohol abuse, into other areas of our lives, hitting a bottom plays a part. Is over-eating finally putting our health at risk? Is smoking causing emphysema or lung cancer? Is gambling ruining my financial existence? Is my work addiction ruining my relationships? When we look at these realities, the question is: When are we finally ready to make changes? That is why we often ask ourselves and others "Why are we doing this to ourselves? Don't we see the consequences?" We all have different answers to that age old question.
The real consequences of hitting bottom makes it difficult for the addict's loved ones to cope. They try and try to convince the person to get help and spend a lot of time pointing out the consequences they see. Many people involved in the addict's life attempt to reduce, repair or remove the consequences. When this occurs the opposite of the desired result happens. We get into "enabling". We are removing the consequences for the addict, hoping that will make these problems go away. Unfortunately, until the addict sees or feels these consequences for themselves, help becomes "something I don't need". So while we do not wish that addicted people "hit bottom" it is a human reality that we need to allow to happen.
Yes, the addict's life can be painful, guilt-producing and a source of worry and stress for family and friends. But the truth is that pain, guilt and worry must be felt by the addict, not removed by the family. Those feelings may trigger the addict's "Hitting Bottom" and making a sincere effort to seek help.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Hitting Bottom In Addiction: The Only Way To Go Is Down
Hitting Bottom In Addiction: The Only Way To Go Is Down
What does it mean to hit a bottom? When it comes to alcohol and drug addiction, "hitting bottom" means that the user comes to a place where he decides he does not wish to continue living the way he is living, and hopefully, is now ready to make changes.
Low-Bottoms/High-Bottoms
Some addicts have devastatingly low bottoms while others have surprisingly high ones. Anyone can take a look at the Low-Bottom addict and clearly see these are the individuals who've lost all their "stuff": cars, homes, jobs, relationships, families.
The High-Bottom addicts, on the other hand, are those who haven't lost their 'stuff' yet. These individuals have more than likely met with some incident which warrants a serious look at the consequences of their alcohol or drug use; in other words, something has happened which will not allow them to continue living in denial of the negative consequences affecting their lives. In talking with addicts who haven't done drugs or alcohol for a number or years, i.e., the addict in recovery, one will find an interesting mixture of bottoms. Fortunately, there are those individuals (High-Bottom) who become willing to face the consequences of their addiction and get into recovery. There are also those who enter treatment centers and experience what I call a case of the "Yets", and go back out to continue using.
Denial and the "Yets"
The disease of addiction is the only illness people can experience and yet remain oblivious to the fact that they have a serious ailment which requires immediate attention. Simple logic says if you break your arm, you have a problem which will require immediate attention; the body and mind work together to make it quite obvious to you that the limb will not work properly until it is treated. Addiction, on the other hand, works in just the opposite way; even as the physical symptoms begin to manifest themselves, the disease sabotages the message between body and mind in order to keep the addict captive to the whims of the illness. Denial is part and parcel of addiction and in fact, may be the hallmark of addiction; complete denial of the problem or denial that there is a problem 'Yet'.
The "Yets" come into the picture when the addict's attitude is such that he will not face the reality of the disease until something bad happens. Typical statements may include.. "Well, I haven't missed a mortgage payment Yet, have I?" or "My drinking and driving haven't been a problem Yet". The "yet" attitude is just a part of the larger problem of addiction.
Bottoms and the Shovel Analogy
A client once told me about his experiences with bottoms; how he continually ended up in jail, continually lost stuff, i.e.; cars, apartments, friends, family, etc.. I asked him why he kept hitting these bottoms and he replied, "when you have no self-esteem to begin with, there are no limits to your bottoms." It was a brilliant, classic statement coming from a twenty-two year old addict. Essentially, the worse one feels about himself, the lower he will allow the disease to take him before choosing to get into recovery. Generally, people with healthier mental attitudes towards themselves get into recovery much more quickly than those who do not. When you don't feel good about yourself, and you're drinking and drugging, no matter what bottom you hit, you can always find a shovel and keep digging.
What does it mean to hit a bottom? When it comes to alcohol and drug addiction, "hitting bottom" means that the user comes to a place where he decides he does not wish to continue living the way he is living, and hopefully, is now ready to make changes.
Low-Bottoms/High-Bottoms
Some addicts have devastatingly low bottoms while others have surprisingly high ones. Anyone can take a look at the Low-Bottom addict and clearly see these are the individuals who've lost all their "stuff": cars, homes, jobs, relationships, families.
The High-Bottom addicts, on the other hand, are those who haven't lost their 'stuff' yet. These individuals have more than likely met with some incident which warrants a serious look at the consequences of their alcohol or drug use; in other words, something has happened which will not allow them to continue living in denial of the negative consequences affecting their lives. In talking with addicts who haven't done drugs or alcohol for a number or years, i.e., the addict in recovery, one will find an interesting mixture of bottoms. Fortunately, there are those individuals (High-Bottom) who become willing to face the consequences of their addiction and get into recovery. There are also those who enter treatment centers and experience what I call a case of the "Yets", and go back out to continue using.
Denial and the "Yets"
The disease of addiction is the only illness people can experience and yet remain oblivious to the fact that they have a serious ailment which requires immediate attention. Simple logic says if you break your arm, you have a problem which will require immediate attention; the body and mind work together to make it quite obvious to you that the limb will not work properly until it is treated. Addiction, on the other hand, works in just the opposite way; even as the physical symptoms begin to manifest themselves, the disease sabotages the message between body and mind in order to keep the addict captive to the whims of the illness. Denial is part and parcel of addiction and in fact, may be the hallmark of addiction; complete denial of the problem or denial that there is a problem 'Yet'.
The "Yets" come into the picture when the addict's attitude is such that he will not face the reality of the disease until something bad happens. Typical statements may include.. "Well, I haven't missed a mortgage payment Yet, have I?" or "My drinking and driving haven't been a problem Yet". The "yet" attitude is just a part of the larger problem of addiction.
Bottoms and the Shovel Analogy
A client once told me about his experiences with bottoms; how he continually ended up in jail, continually lost stuff, i.e.; cars, apartments, friends, family, etc.. I asked him why he kept hitting these bottoms and he replied, "when you have no self-esteem to begin with, there are no limits to your bottoms." It was a brilliant, classic statement coming from a twenty-two year old addict. Essentially, the worse one feels about himself, the lower he will allow the disease to take him before choosing to get into recovery. Generally, people with healthier mental attitudes towards themselves get into recovery much more quickly than those who do not. When you don't feel good about yourself, and you're drinking and drugging, no matter what bottom you hit, you can always find a shovel and keep digging.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Family and Friends of Addicts - Delaying the Bottom
Family and Friends of Addicts - Delaying the Bottom
~By Roy Martin
In an effort of offering practical information to those of you who know there is an addict in your midst, whether friend or family, how do you go about maintaining your sanity and daily lives without losing what you have and what is the best course of dealing with them?
When I was in my addiction, which I commonly refer to as being "out there", one of the easiest methods of gaining money was through family and friends. Sometimes the most creative of lies produced the easiest influx of money which obviously delayed my need to reach out and finally get the help I needed. I remember hearing the testimony of someone who said his addiction was so bad his family did not want to have him even on the property. He had a sister who would prepare him a plate of food and would bring it to him while he sat on the curb down the street from the house. When he finished, he'd leave the plate and fork and she'd later retrieve it. One would think this would be a reasonable task, to provide food, no, let's dress it up, "nourishment" for someone we love and living on the streets of addiction. Let me be clear: each plate of food, this nourishment you are providing, keeps the addict "out there" just a little bit longer than necessary!
How many friends had I developed over a course of 17 years working for IBM, who had money? How many of them do you think became a "victim" of my addiction? How easy was it to ask them for $50 when they knew there was something wrong but because of their devotion, love and loyalty, they'd fork over the money? Each time I received money kept me out there just a little longer. Many of my friends purchased a party they were not invited, too!
In the language of addiction there is a term hitting "bottom" before an addict will seek help. What exactly is this "bottom"? Wikipedia defines it as: "normally means the base, or the lowest point, of an object or geographic feature." Webster has it: "to reach a point where a decline is halted or reversed". These definitions both imply in terms of addiction, someone who has reached their lowest point. When this has been achieved, then and only then can someone begin to climb out from their rut because there is nothing else left downward. I propose to you, every coin, dollar, plate of food, bath/shower, paying electric or water bill, laundering of clothes, purchase of hygiene products, shelter when it rains or snow keeps the addict in a workable environment and quite frankly, you are at fault! I know this may come as a shock but this is the truth. Everyone who was kind and loving to me kept me "out there" just a little bit longer than necessary. Am I grateful for their help? Hmmm, was it "help" afterall?
So, what should you do when faced with someone who is tearing the very heart out of your chest?
When you look into those eyes and can see that special someone lurking behind the person you no longer know, what should you answer to their request for something to "tie" them over until... ? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. If you cannot stand them being in front of you then you need to firmly and gently tell them, "I love you so much it pains me to see you in this way but unless you are here asking me for help you begin the recovery process, then you must leave now." And simply close the door and leave them with their thoughts. It is for sure, while your back is now facing the door they have left you with your thoughts, and tears, and pain, and sorrow, and guilt, and shame, and... and... and... And if everyone in the addicts’ circle of friends and family would do the same thing and learn this is not cruel but it is for their good, then and only then will they be able to reach their bottom faster and begin the road to success in overcoming addiction.
It has to begin with you learning how to say, "no". You are grown. You do not owe them a reason for saying, "no". When you say it, you will have delivered yourself out of further pain and being taken advantage of. You would not be responsible for putting this loved one on a fast track to recovery by alleviating their pain. I can hear someone say, "God didn't leave anyone out there." Yes, you are correct, we don't read of anyone being left who came in contact with Him, except, that rich young ruler who couldn't give up what God asked him. The Bible says, "he went away sorrowfully because he had many things." This is the same with the addict. He is continually turning away God reaching out to him while traveling those mean streets at night looking for that next fix, hit, smoke, shot, snort, drink. For many of us, me, too; I needed to be like the "Prodigal son" who slept with the pigs and ate the slop given to them, and later like the "Demoniac" who later was restored to his right mind and could return to my Father's house where there are many mansions. For everyone who is "out there", this is exactly what it will take and you have the responsibility not to prevent God from reaching them where they are. You cannot make it better, only God can. You cannot save them, only God can. And you have the most awesome task of letting them go and placing them in the hands of the only One who can do it.
Stop hurting them further by assisting them. Several times I have gone into the crack dens to reach that person a family member is concerned for. And, just as often, I have gone back to that family member and reported their loved one is not ready. I have a distant cousin who runs a ministry for addicts who in 1991 told me I wasn't ready. He was correct. It wasn't until 11 years later I received my personal wake-up call, having reached my bottom, and then began my upward growth to this day.
~By Roy Martin
In an effort of offering practical information to those of you who know there is an addict in your midst, whether friend or family, how do you go about maintaining your sanity and daily lives without losing what you have and what is the best course of dealing with them?
When I was in my addiction, which I commonly refer to as being "out there", one of the easiest methods of gaining money was through family and friends. Sometimes the most creative of lies produced the easiest influx of money which obviously delayed my need to reach out and finally get the help I needed. I remember hearing the testimony of someone who said his addiction was so bad his family did not want to have him even on the property. He had a sister who would prepare him a plate of food and would bring it to him while he sat on the curb down the street from the house. When he finished, he'd leave the plate and fork and she'd later retrieve it. One would think this would be a reasonable task, to provide food, no, let's dress it up, "nourishment" for someone we love and living on the streets of addiction. Let me be clear: each plate of food, this nourishment you are providing, keeps the addict "out there" just a little bit longer than necessary!
How many friends had I developed over a course of 17 years working for IBM, who had money? How many of them do you think became a "victim" of my addiction? How easy was it to ask them for $50 when they knew there was something wrong but because of their devotion, love and loyalty, they'd fork over the money? Each time I received money kept me out there just a little longer. Many of my friends purchased a party they were not invited, too!
In the language of addiction there is a term hitting "bottom" before an addict will seek help. What exactly is this "bottom"? Wikipedia defines it as: "normally means the base, or the lowest point, of an object or geographic feature." Webster has it: "to reach a point where a decline is halted or reversed". These definitions both imply in terms of addiction, someone who has reached their lowest point. When this has been achieved, then and only then can someone begin to climb out from their rut because there is nothing else left downward. I propose to you, every coin, dollar, plate of food, bath/shower, paying electric or water bill, laundering of clothes, purchase of hygiene products, shelter when it rains or snow keeps the addict in a workable environment and quite frankly, you are at fault! I know this may come as a shock but this is the truth. Everyone who was kind and loving to me kept me "out there" just a little bit longer than necessary. Am I grateful for their help? Hmmm, was it "help" afterall?
So, what should you do when faced with someone who is tearing the very heart out of your chest?
When you look into those eyes and can see that special someone lurking behind the person you no longer know, what should you answer to their request for something to "tie" them over until... ? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. If you cannot stand them being in front of you then you need to firmly and gently tell them, "I love you so much it pains me to see you in this way but unless you are here asking me for help you begin the recovery process, then you must leave now." And simply close the door and leave them with their thoughts. It is for sure, while your back is now facing the door they have left you with your thoughts, and tears, and pain, and sorrow, and guilt, and shame, and... and... and... And if everyone in the addicts’ circle of friends and family would do the same thing and learn this is not cruel but it is for their good, then and only then will they be able to reach their bottom faster and begin the road to success in overcoming addiction.
It has to begin with you learning how to say, "no". You are grown. You do not owe them a reason for saying, "no". When you say it, you will have delivered yourself out of further pain and being taken advantage of. You would not be responsible for putting this loved one on a fast track to recovery by alleviating their pain. I can hear someone say, "God didn't leave anyone out there." Yes, you are correct, we don't read of anyone being left who came in contact with Him, except, that rich young ruler who couldn't give up what God asked him. The Bible says, "he went away sorrowfully because he had many things." This is the same with the addict. He is continually turning away God reaching out to him while traveling those mean streets at night looking for that next fix, hit, smoke, shot, snort, drink. For many of us, me, too; I needed to be like the "Prodigal son" who slept with the pigs and ate the slop given to them, and later like the "Demoniac" who later was restored to his right mind and could return to my Father's house where there are many mansions. For everyone who is "out there", this is exactly what it will take and you have the responsibility not to prevent God from reaching them where they are. You cannot make it better, only God can. You cannot save them, only God can. And you have the most awesome task of letting them go and placing them in the hands of the only One who can do it.
Stop hurting them further by assisting them. Several times I have gone into the crack dens to reach that person a family member is concerned for. And, just as often, I have gone back to that family member and reported their loved one is not ready. I have a distant cousin who runs a ministry for addicts who in 1991 told me I wasn't ready. He was correct. It wasn't until 11 years later I received my personal wake-up call, having reached my bottom, and then began my upward growth to this day.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
There’s nothing more annoying than posting the same thing over and over. I’ve only said part of this one time previously. But, I do apologize for the repetition.
I think the show Intervention popularized the "ROCK bottom" theory, that all addicts have to hit it before seeking treatment, which IMO is a crap term used by only amateurs. Again just my opinion- there is only one real "rock bottom" and that is when a toe tag is needed.
However, I do believe all addicts (and codies) hit a bottom of sorts before wanting to find a better way...which of course is different for everyone. For an addict a bottom may be as high as spending too much money on a one-time weekend binge, or as low as selling ones body. For a codie it may be as high as a one-time snooping incident or as low as being unfaithful or compromising your own morals or integrity. And, then there a gazillion unique and individual bottoms in-between.
In my teens/early 20’s I gave a really good run at cocaine. It floated around the office from owners, managers, employees, and customers. I became an almost daily user. My “bottom” was returning a really cute outfit for cash to buy an eight-ball. After that I walked away from it and never touched it again.
I don’t know of a single addict in active addiction whose lives are going along perfectly great, where they have experienced ZERO negative consequences or feelings and they decide to just up and make a major life change and get into treatment/recovery. Something negative has triggered their desire to be done.
Most treatment is either court-mandated or mommy-mandated, meaning someone in the addict’s family has insisted on it. IMO, ANY treatment is better than NO treatment at all. You never know when a seed will be planted. Once they’ve been to treatment once, they have the very basics of recovery tools, and they now know how and where to seek out the recovery community if/when they do want it.
I think the show Intervention popularized the "ROCK bottom" theory, that all addicts have to hit it before seeking treatment, which IMO is a crap term used by only amateurs. Again just my opinion- there is only one real "rock bottom" and that is when a toe tag is needed.
However, I do believe all addicts (and codies) hit a bottom of sorts before wanting to find a better way...which of course is different for everyone. For an addict a bottom may be as high as spending too much money on a one-time weekend binge, or as low as selling ones body. For a codie it may be as high as a one-time snooping incident or as low as being unfaithful or compromising your own morals or integrity. And, then there a gazillion unique and individual bottoms in-between.
In my teens/early 20’s I gave a really good run at cocaine. It floated around the office from owners, managers, employees, and customers. I became an almost daily user. My “bottom” was returning a really cute outfit for cash to buy an eight-ball. After that I walked away from it and never touched it again.
I don’t know of a single addict in active addiction whose lives are going along perfectly great, where they have experienced ZERO negative consequences or feelings and they decide to just up and make a major life change and get into treatment/recovery. Something negative has triggered their desire to be done.
Most treatment is either court-mandated or mommy-mandated, meaning someone in the addict’s family has insisted on it. IMO, ANY treatment is better than NO treatment at all. You never know when a seed will be planted. Once they’ve been to treatment once, they have the very basics of recovery tools, and they now know how and where to seek out the recovery community if/when they do want it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Bottom …
Well you know dear cynical one a lot of how I feel about this subject. Especially the dynamics and how families can become a huge part of the problem by rescuing/cushioning/controlling and removing the consequences that are just addiction. It is suppose to hurt, suppose to be confusing, suppose to be painful and it is suppose to be dangerous.
I remember the director at the son’s rehab saying that 21 year olds have no bottom… and I asked are you so sure or is it that no one will allow them to?
Light bulb moment.
The dynamics are so convoluted.
And no one saved me, even if my mother makes it a point to tell everyone that she did. It was in the moment that she was removed from trying to fix me or make me someone I just wasn’t that allowed me to look at myself and no one but me. To see how my behaviors were effecting me, how the drugs were…
I could have easily went gotten another 8 ball of crank. I did love every twisted minute of insanity. But my only thought now looking back is I found a way to love myself just enough to take a chance … even with loving the high. The months with no distraction, no fuel, no beatings, none of the you are nothing ... well you find something worth it, or I think you do.
As the parent of a child in recovery I know it is so hard not to allow the fear to take you over and dictate the reactions that don’t help and mostly just leave you with a shovel yourself alongside them as they dig their hole deeper … as they did their grave. And if we could teach that …
So many for years have hide behind that didn’t cause never really understanding that while no you may not have caused the initial addiction but you sure as hell contributed if you enabled with every act to control, to fix, to cushion to remove the consequences that should be. Once you know … well you know. There is no going back and pretending you don’t … although many do that so well. There may not be any right way, but there are a hell of a lot of wrong ones.
For those who have actually done the work they see their part and take responsibility for their actions. It isn’t about blame, although many see it as such. Even within themselves, they carry it for no reason which keeps them sick. It is about being responsible for you own actions and reactions and learning from them. So much of what we wish the addicts in our lives would do.
The question I am always left with is why when you know is it so hard to just stop enabling. What it is about YOU, because it is YOU, not THEM, that leads to you to help them stay sick despite all that is out there in terms of what isn’t healthy…
Which may be the biggest marker in how codependency is an addiction itself.
A question easily answered with one taking a chance on themselves and actually taking the time to fix who they are. What a gift to our children, addicts or not.
I could write endlessly on the convoluted dynamics.
How the parents play the partners, how the partners play the parents, how the addict plays everyone … everyone all in, everyone desperate in the moment, chained to their own pain, all allowing the bed they now lie in, and yet easily blaming anyone to close, mainly because they are that close … well unless they worked on them …
Well you know dear cynical one a lot of how I feel about this subject. Especially the dynamics and how families can become a huge part of the problem by rescuing/cushioning/controlling and removing the consequences that are just addiction. It is suppose to hurt, suppose to be confusing, suppose to be painful and it is suppose to be dangerous.
I remember the director at the son’s rehab saying that 21 year olds have no bottom… and I asked are you so sure or is it that no one will allow them to?
Light bulb moment.
The dynamics are so convoluted.
And no one saved me, even if my mother makes it a point to tell everyone that she did. It was in the moment that she was removed from trying to fix me or make me someone I just wasn’t that allowed me to look at myself and no one but me. To see how my behaviors were effecting me, how the drugs were…
I could have easily went gotten another 8 ball of crank. I did love every twisted minute of insanity. But my only thought now looking back is I found a way to love myself just enough to take a chance … even with loving the high. The months with no distraction, no fuel, no beatings, none of the you are nothing ... well you find something worth it, or I think you do.
As the parent of a child in recovery I know it is so hard not to allow the fear to take you over and dictate the reactions that don’t help and mostly just leave you with a shovel yourself alongside them as they dig their hole deeper … as they did their grave. And if we could teach that …
So many for years have hide behind that didn’t cause never really understanding that while no you may not have caused the initial addiction but you sure as hell contributed if you enabled with every act to control, to fix, to cushion to remove the consequences that should be. Once you know … well you know. There is no going back and pretending you don’t … although many do that so well. There may not be any right way, but there are a hell of a lot of wrong ones.
For those who have actually done the work they see their part and take responsibility for their actions. It isn’t about blame, although many see it as such. Even within themselves, they carry it for no reason which keeps them sick. It is about being responsible for you own actions and reactions and learning from them. So much of what we wish the addicts in our lives would do.
The question I am always left with is why when you know is it so hard to just stop enabling. What it is about YOU, because it is YOU, not THEM, that leads to you to help them stay sick despite all that is out there in terms of what isn’t healthy…
Which may be the biggest marker in how codependency is an addiction itself.
A question easily answered with one taking a chance on themselves and actually taking the time to fix who they are. What a gift to our children, addicts or not.
I could write endlessly on the convoluted dynamics.
How the parents play the partners, how the partners play the parents, how the addict plays everyone … everyone all in, everyone desperate in the moment, chained to their own pain, all allowing the bed they now lie in, and yet easily blaming anyone to close, mainly because they are that close … well unless they worked on them …
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
"Bottom" may be different things to different people. For me I think it happens when the addict has a brief moment of clarity somewhere in the insanity, and in this moment of clarity the addict looks around and says "crap, I can't do this anymore."
For you, CO, it was as simple as returning a cute outfit...but maybe not that simple at all. Maybe you saw yourself trading your entire life as you knew it, for an 8 ball and lucked out on your timing and symbolism.
Some here have heard me speak of the most hopeless addict I have ever known, a man named Richard, who was an old ragged, dirty, long bearded grey faced street person who used to show up at Saturday AA meetings that my son often invited me to (open meeting, I learned a lot just listening). Anyway, Richard would show up just as the meeting had begun, timed perfectly so he didn't have to speak to anyone, and he'd get a coffee and a couple of cookies and just sit there. He never said a word, he didn't look at anyone, he didn't even look like he was paying attention and I figured he was there for a warm place, and coffee and cookies.
Richard disappeared for a couple of months. Then one meeting when I was pouring myself a coffee, a voice behind me said "Hello, Ann". I turned and had no idea who this clean young man was until he said "It's me, Richard". I was floored at the change in him but gave him a hug and in the moments before the meeting began I asked him "What was your turning point, Richard, what led you to getting sober". You know what he said? He said, "I was embarrassed that I stunk at these meetings."
Not the street, not poverty or bad health, not an "awakening" through some event...just embarrassment that he smelled bad was Richard's bottom. I suspect he had smelled bad for a long time, but I think he had that one moment of clarity where he knew it and didn't like it at all. And he knew where help was when he was ready.
When I left Toronto, Richard was still clean and sober, by then he had several years under his belt and was a regular at those meetings, only now he spoke sometimes and shared his story. Maybe that's what kept him sober, I'll never know, but I never again questioned a "bottom" nor did I ever see any addict as "hopeless", nope, because nobody was more hopeless than Richard and he hit bottom and came back.
Thanks for this thread, CO, it's good for me to remember Richard today and somehow this brought it all back.
Hugs
For you, CO, it was as simple as returning a cute outfit...but maybe not that simple at all. Maybe you saw yourself trading your entire life as you knew it, for an 8 ball and lucked out on your timing and symbolism.
Some here have heard me speak of the most hopeless addict I have ever known, a man named Richard, who was an old ragged, dirty, long bearded grey faced street person who used to show up at Saturday AA meetings that my son often invited me to (open meeting, I learned a lot just listening). Anyway, Richard would show up just as the meeting had begun, timed perfectly so he didn't have to speak to anyone, and he'd get a coffee and a couple of cookies and just sit there. He never said a word, he didn't look at anyone, he didn't even look like he was paying attention and I figured he was there for a warm place, and coffee and cookies.
Richard disappeared for a couple of months. Then one meeting when I was pouring myself a coffee, a voice behind me said "Hello, Ann". I turned and had no idea who this clean young man was until he said "It's me, Richard". I was floored at the change in him but gave him a hug and in the moments before the meeting began I asked him "What was your turning point, Richard, what led you to getting sober". You know what he said? He said, "I was embarrassed that I stunk at these meetings."
Not the street, not poverty or bad health, not an "awakening" through some event...just embarrassment that he smelled bad was Richard's bottom. I suspect he had smelled bad for a long time, but I think he had that one moment of clarity where he knew it and didn't like it at all. And he knew where help was when he was ready.
When I left Toronto, Richard was still clean and sober, by then he had several years under his belt and was a regular at those meetings, only now he spoke sometimes and shared his story. Maybe that's what kept him sober, I'll never know, but I never again questioned a "bottom" nor did I ever see any addict as "hopeless", nope, because nobody was more hopeless than Richard and he hit bottom and came back.
Thanks for this thread, CO, it's good for me to remember Richard today and somehow this brought it all back.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
I HATED reading this.
Because I saw myself in every. single. word.
I have been praying to be taken out of my daughter's addiction. I'm sick of being a player in it. But - I keep coming back in. I keep falling for the tears and pleas. I keep saying to myself, this will be the last time...this is IT. I keep kicking my own butt after every rescue. I keep giving advice to others that I don't follow very well.
It IS my fault, probably, that she's not hit her bottom, yet. And I desperately don't want to be the reason her addiction kills her.
So...thank-you for repeating this message. And repeat it again, if the inclination strikes you. And again. Someday it might sink in to those of us struggling with this truth.
Because I saw myself in every. single. word.
I have been praying to be taken out of my daughter's addiction. I'm sick of being a player in it. But - I keep coming back in. I keep falling for the tears and pleas. I keep saying to myself, this will be the last time...this is IT. I keep kicking my own butt after every rescue. I keep giving advice to others that I don't follow very well.
It IS my fault, probably, that she's not hit her bottom, yet. And I desperately don't want to be the reason her addiction kills her.
So...thank-you for repeating this message. And repeat it again, if the inclination strikes you. And again. Someday it might sink in to those of us struggling with this truth.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Wonderful posts. No matter where WE are with our addicts, this information is relevant. I still struggle daily to try and control what is not mine to control (and my son is in recovery!). He did have a low bottom and it cost him two felonies and 8months in jail. But it ALSO gave him 4 months at a wonderful in patient rehab where he learned the value/tools of AA and he is a regular attendee. He is still struggling with being 23 and sober but he has found people who are like him and those are the ones he clings to. We are encouraging him to soon move into a sober living as I am still too involved in his life and would prefer he learns how to be a man without his Mommy's help 
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
As some of you know, I am finally leaving my husband. Life with a "relapsing" addict is not one I can live with anymore. My choice! However, I really had to examine my motives. Was I trying to force an outcome......trying to "help" him reach his bottom? The answer is no, I have just reached my own.
I would be lying if I said I didn't hope he would reach his bottom soon, and it not be a body bag. But I have finally come to realize, I am powerless over his choices. I can only control my own.
I am doing what is best for me and have stopped playing God to him. I will no longer be a part of his own self destruction.
I would be lying if I said I didn't hope he would reach his bottom soon, and it not be a body bag. But I have finally come to realize, I am powerless over his choices. I can only control my own.
I am doing what is best for me and have stopped playing God to him. I will no longer be a part of his own self destruction.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I was in this mess 2 years before I found SR. Her bottom was of the toe tag
variety. It was her life, her responsibility---but I did play a part, a rather large
part in terms of total $ outlay.
(Boo hoo. Big whoop. Another sob story.)
True. It is. But it is put out there with great earned authenticity.
Say no. Say you care very much---then turn away.
In some alternate universe I did that, much sooner. She found her bottom,
then found recovery & happiness & regained her loved ones.
(But not in this one)
variety. It was her life, her responsibility---but I did play a part, a rather large
part in terms of total $ outlay.
(Boo hoo. Big whoop. Another sob story.)
True. It is. But it is put out there with great earned authenticity.
Say no. Say you care very much---then turn away.
In some alternate universe I did that, much sooner. She found her bottom,
then found recovery & happiness & regained her loved ones.
(But not in this one)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
