Charliee

Okay, I got a year last week and I have started thinking I may be able to try this drinking thing again or maybe I feel like I deserve to be rewarded for all of this hard work or maybe I am tired of being told what I am supposed to do.... uggh!!

matt4x4

All normal thoughts. Remember that you can deal with thoughts.
I have countless unhealthy thoughts that I do not act on. For instance today i thought it would be nice for me to eat the entire cake, and down all of those chips. Did I do it? No. Why? Because I know that it is very unhealthy, I am overweight to begin with and I will be up all night. Thoughts are easy to deal with.

You can not deal with the phenomenon of craving once you have taken a drink. Have you tried working the 12 steps of AA? Highly successful. Go for it. Do it.

Gakx

Yep, I wanted a reward too and I have never liked being told what to do. If you tell me not to touch the stove because it is hot, then I will touch it and get burned. I have to find out for myself and make my own mistakes.

Obviously, I had not hit the "rock bottom" that people talk about. I just knew that I could moderate like normal people. And I did...for one week then back to stupid drunk.

It took a little while to come out of that but it made it clear to me that I was an alcoholic and would have to use extreme caution on such thoughts for life. I ruined 3 years of sobriety because I thought I had it whipped and became complacent.

Think long and hard before making any sudden, life-altering decisions, please, for your own sake.

wehav2day

Congrats on one year!!!! You are aweseome!!

I am just past a year too, and the happiest I remember being in like forever. Yet I thought I deserved a reward too, even felt that perhaps I'm cured. I worked the steps so I'm good, right? Well thankfully my mind and soul cried ********. I have a feeling yours will too.

Do something fun that you've never done before, you deserve it. And you will enjoy yourself, sober.

Dee74

I think it's a common feeling at one year, Charlie, especially if you can't quite shake the feeling that you're missing on something.

My second year was all about making myself a new life, a life I loved to live and didn't want or need to escape from.

I really hope you can do the same this year, Charliee

Congrats on one year - thats an amazing achievement. Don't believe the lies - there's nothing for you back there the way you've come.

D

neferkamichael

Charliee, figure up all the money you saved during that year, and go buy yourself something. Rootin for ya.

EndGameNYC

If I genuinely wish to forfeit the entirety of my freedom, to be forever at the mercy of something outside of myself, and to live in constant fear, all I need to do is drink.

Notimetoloose

Charliee congratulations on a year sober...I am nearly 4 months, I feel fortunate in one way. I know I can't drink again...it is still fresh in my head, the awful emptiness of drinking.
I hope I still know it a one year sober..there is nothing in it for you.

Silvy69

I have almost 8 months and I have no desire to drink. It isn't an option no matter what. I look at alcohol as poison and I wouldn't drink poison willingly.

Big congrats on 1 yr. don't throw it away. Think hangovers and insanity. I never want to feel hungover again. Sil

Ruby2

Congrats on one year. I understand what you are saying. I get really annoyed hearing the things I am supposed to do. Really, really annoyed. But alcohol told me what to do and how to live my life for a long, long time and it didn't work out so well. The things i should do or am supposed to do to stay sober are good things. I liked Max' chocolate cake analogy. I entertained the thought that I could return to normal drinking but nah, can't do it. The stories on here show me that.

I hope you find your way out of the lull. Life is good. And a year is a great way to start living it! Awesome.

Gibbons2

Your sobriety should always come first. Drinking is a lie, it isn't fun. What used to keep me sober was to know this: "It isn't the kill, it's the THRILL of the chase." What does that mean to me? What it means is the desire to drink may be strong, but that is what you are really fighting because the DOING is never that good. It sounds good, but once I pick up the drink I think, "THIS is what I wanted?" This isn't all that great. So you are truly fighting a desire. The doing is never as strong as the want.

If that makes sense ...

alphaomega

This.

least

Thoughts don't have to become actions. Please don't drink.

Charliee

Thanks everyone, I really, really hate feeling like I an forced to do something. As long as it is my idea I am fine but when it's probation or the courts, then I no longer feel like it's no longer mine. I don't get to fully own it anymore

suki44883

If it's a consequence of your actions, then you should have to do it. Just because you have to doesn't mean it isn't the right thing. There is nothing rewarding about alcohol.

tootsl1

Have you heard the saying ' cutting your nose off to spite your face'? No one likes being told what to do, but if it is something we know we ought to do, and is right for us anyway, we need to find a way to suck it up and get on with it. And you are not being forced to do anything, you still do have a choice, you could chose to go against what the court is telling you to do. You are wisely and maturely chosing not to! X

doggonecarl

One year is awesome.

Forced abstinence is not the same as recovery. Maybe that's why you are discontent with sobriety. However, I looked at some of your early posts. I got the impression quitting was a decision you bought into fully. Maybe not...

But isn't being sober is better than the chaos of your drinking? All that you lost and you'd go back to drinking? You've had a year sober, perhaps its time to embrace recovery.

EndGameNYC

It's interesting to me that the very thing that brought you to a place in which you're required to do what others tell you to do is the same thing you have thoughts about going back to.

Virtually everyone who relapses or drinks again reports how much worse their lives became by making the choice to drink. Withdrawal symptoms are worse, it's much more difficult to stop, and life spirals downward very quickly.

When people relapse after a year of sobriety, it takes a year to get to one year again. I don't know that all the pain and suffering of coming back again is worth taking the chance.

Charliee

I always felt like it was my decision, because it was what I really wanted and needed. But its the people in the system that seem to make me feel that it was my not choice, when it really was. I feel like I an not being allowed to own it, when it is all mine. I know I put too much into how I think others are viewing me

Coldfusion

The Four Agreements of don Miguel Ruiz:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.