Cakepop

My boyfriend and I started dating 2 years ago. I knew about his trouble with past addiction going into the relationship. He had been very open about his past issues with heroin. He had gone to rehab and had been "clean" for almost a year before we started dating. I put the word clean in quotation marks because he still drank, smoked pot, had snorted heroin once after leaving rehab and had also done coke one time. So, semi-clean. All was well and good. He showered me with affection at first. But something was off. He began sharing really intimate and personal secrets about himself, his family, his ex girlfriend (that she had had an abortion), things he did while on drugs, etc. and it just didn't seem like a healthy/appropriate amount of information to share at the time being. Of course, I decided to ignore this red flag because the attention and "love" felt so amazing. His father died from stage IV liver cancer about a year ago. Ever since then every.single.fight we have had involves my boyfriend's drinking. After his father's death he completely checked out of the relationship emotionally. We didn't share feelings. I was made out to be a nag. He didn't care about the future we had planned together. He didn't care how much his drinking hurt me. He never validated my emotions, not once. If something made me sad I was "being a baby and needed to get over it." He never offered any comfort or support. There were numerous occasions that I burst into tears that he actually yelled at me and commanded me to stop crying. When I asked him to talk about our relationship he would sit on the couch staring straight ahead, emotionless and non-responsive like a brick wall. Giving the silent treatment was his favorite. He could do it for hours. The final straw was last Friday. I called him on my way home from work and he didn't answer. He called me back an hour later telling me he was at the bar by himself and just wanted to have a few beers alone and "what's so wrong with that?" I broke down. I went to the bar. A fight ensued and then he got physical. I left. I texted him the next morning telling him it was over.

Part of me feels absolutely gutted. I'm worried for him, for his well-being. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of him with other women. But the other half of me feels numb and knows how pointless it is to think of him being with other women, because I don't want to be with him. I'm not even quite sure this whole rambling wall of text makes much sense but I just needed to get this off my chest.

izzyrose05

He sounds exactly like my ex. Why I left mine. For the same reasons. He checked out, didn't validate, didn't care what I was feeling and got angry anytime I tried to express my feelings. I didn't know for a fact he was drinking at the time but my gut was screaming at me. Now I actually know. Your instincts will always guide you in the right direction.

The peace has been a wonderful consequence. I have no expectations any longer and so I'm not waiting around for him to be the man I once knew.

The hardest part is letting go of the man you want him to be. The one he isn't. Letting go of the dream is the part that makes you catch your breath.

But soon, you will have new dreams. I wish you luck and strength to endure your journey. It sounds like you are walking the right path. Keep going forward.


Hugs

CodeJob

Cake pop, welcome. I am so thankful you left. It sounds to me like this addict was really never clean, hooked you in, and them demoralized you for 2 years.

He sounds like a walking personality disorder checklist more than a partner. Please stop worrying about him and just take care of you!

Katiekate

i'm sorry that you are hurting cakepop.

Do you have any support for yourself, counseling, al anon.

It might be a good idea to educate yourself about addiction, being aware and educated are two entirely different things.

I hope you will stick around and post often.

Katie xo

Cakepop

Thanks for the warm welcome guys, it means a lot! Luckily, my relationship was never isolating. So I do have a very strong support system in terms of family and friends (only 23 & still love at home!) I'm not having very many issues with loneliness as much as I am with feeling cheated. As I'm sure you all know, when it was good it was amazing but when it was bad it was hell. At first I felt terrible because he was experiencing the loss of a parent and I felt guilty for criticizing him for how he was choosing to cope. Then the months went by and he still continued to drink and even told me on several occasions (in a drunken stupor of course) that he was a "black hole" and "a shell of a person" and enjoyed being self destructive. I literally feel like I was dating 2 completely different men for the past 2 years - one sober and one drunk. I feel so stupid for not seeing all of the red flags. Hindsight really is 20/20.

CodeJob

Cake pop, you can do better. Glad you have friends and was not isolated in just this relationship!

hopeful4

I just wanted to say hello and welcome. I hope you find the time to work on yourself and your needs in all of this. Take good care of YOU!

Cakepop

It's just a bit difficult, isn't it? He wasn't always horrible and, in fact, when he wasn't drinking (or wishing he was drinking) he was the model boyfriend. I think the most comforting thing is telling myself that, although the breakup is new, the reality of the situation is that he hasn't been mine for quite some time now.

FlippedRHalo

Wow Cakepop - this part REALLY struck me. I think our XAB's must have shared the same playbook! Mine always said it was 'so dark in his world' and when I'd cry about him driving completely drunk, he say 'I don't care if I die'... with a lot of 'I hate myself', 'I'm a horrible person' and 'you're too good for me' sprinkled in - usually right before he'd start accusing me of cheating, blaming me for his drinking and starting on his drunken nasty rants.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this too. I'm still trying to undue the emotional damage that's been done. I think it's going to be a long process, but I'm finished allowing this abuse in my life. Some days it feels like I've barely survived a war, but it really is getting better day by day. I see things much clearer, which isn't always a good thing when I realize just how horrible he was to me and that I allowed it.

Best of luck to you - we deserve so much more.

lillamy

It is difficult. But he doesn't sound like he is even close to realizing he has a problem. And addiction is progressive. Without seeking help, and using the help, committing with his entire being, he will become less and less of the "perfect boyfriend" and spend more and more of his time actively using.

We all wish they would return to being the sober person we fell in love with. It's very difficult to let go of that hope. But if you read a few posts here, and see where unrecovered addiction leads -- you will be empowered in your decision.

ZiggyB

You are doing the right thing by getting out of this situation. I don't believe most alcoholics will get better on their own. I found out recently that the guy I was dating for 3 yrs. died an early death due to health problems related to alcohol. The breakup was very painful for me and I still have a lot of bad memories and feelings I am struggling with 1.5 years later. Please take care of yourself.

Cakepop

You guys are so great! It's such a unique experience breaking up with an alcoholic. I'm experiencing the normal post-breakup feeling of wanting to reach out and talk to him, tell him I forgive him and I know he's going through an unbelievably hard time but we'll work through this together. But I understand that this would be counterproductive to my own healing process. I guess I beat myself up from time to time for consistently wanting to put his needs above my own despite how he's neglected me.

Cakepop

Does anyone else find the weekends to be the hardest part after a breakup? I can keep myself occupied at work during the week but my imagination will be sure to run wild with thoughts of what he's up to all weekend

DezSantos

I can relate. I and my boyfriend of 16 mos broke up on Monday. I'm very much in fear for his well-being and feeling guilty that I didn't do enough or gave up on him too soon. I was constantly stressed and worried about what the day might bring. It culminated earlier this week with my throwing him out of the house. I do know that things couldn't continue as they were between us, despite the fact that I love him very much.

Every day has been a struggle to not reach out to him. This place has been a blessing.

FlippedRHalo

For some odd reason, weekends have always been a little tough for me, especially so after our break-up. I think it gives us too much time to think, which is probably a good thing, but doesn't feel good at all.

I'm 3 weeks post break-up and although I can feel myself getting better each day, it's still so, so, so hard. I get mad at myself for missing him after how horribly he treated me and it seems that the mind only wants to remember the good times some days. That kills me, but I'm coming to see that it all comes in waves and if I just ride the wave out, it feels a little better afterwards and the waves keep getting smaller and of shorter duration.

These relationships really do a number on us. I still feel emotionally battered and I'm so hypersensitive to everything. Although I feel like I'm slightly isolating and could easily just lock myself in the house for the rest of my life, I've been forcing myself to do things - and I mean FORCING, because it's hard. I usually do feel better afterwards though. During the week I have school, which always makes me feel a little better, but the weekends are just a whole lot of time to think.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I've had to literally talk myself out of contacting him many times. Someone said to write a list of the horrible things he's done and read it when I get the urge to contact him. Still, what is it in us that even wants to reach out after all they've done and what we've been through? It makes me so upset.

Please hang in there. It's going to get easier and only good can come from removing that kind of hell from our lives.

sonyak

I can relate a lot to how you feel. I kicked my bf out of my home almost a month ago and I'm still lost on the weekend. During the week I stay late at work and am usually so tired that I am asleep early. The weekends used to be our time together with his kids or our families. I have been forcing myself to go visit friends or family and have stayed with friends some nights just so I could keep distracted. The lonesome feeling is fading slowly and it is helping that I know it was the right decision for me. The feeling of calm that I have now beats the anxiety and stress I had prior to him leaving.

FlippedRHalo

Our relationship was nothing but anxiety and stress. Even when he wasn't here, the anxiety and stress of trying to stay one step ahead at all times and never knowing what was to come next just physically and mentally exhausted me. I was barely treading water at times.

It's still so hard sometimes, and I still miss something (not sure exactly what), but it is starting to get easier. I think back to the horrible things he did and said to me and know I'm doing the right thing for myself and my life.

It comes in waves - just try to ride those waves out. The waves start to shrink in size and length.

We're all in the same boat, so remember ladies, we're not alone. We have to take a stand for our lives. The right decision is sometimes the hardest.

KateL

You will get over this xxxxxx

sonyak

I was the same way, when he would go out I'd be worried about what he could be at. He couldn't understand why I just couldn't stop worrying about him. All he kept telling me is don't worry I'm fine. He didn't realize the damage it was doing to our relationship because I never knew what to believe and when to trust him because he has lied so easily. I tried to talk and tell him how my trust was gone and in order for us to work we had to rebuild but he didn't bother. I get really sad at times because we did have good times and I do still love him. It does hurt because he let me go so easily.

izzyrose05

Yes Cakepop. Weekends are the worst. Get the heck out of the house!