Bewildered
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Bewildered
After 36 years my A sister and her orphaned teen granddaughter are living with me and hubby. Strangely the same dynamics with A sister are the same as with an A teen. While sis is not active her behaviors are the same as if she were this causes so much stress every day for all family memebers.
When we agreed to take them in 5 years ago they assured us that Sis was sober RXA (prescription drug addict). I had not seen or talked to Sis more than 3 times in 36 years. So, what did I know? I could not imagine that a grandmother would ask her granddaughter to lie about such a thing. It did not take long to figure out.
My RXA sister agreed to give all her meds to me (which I keep under lock and key), allow me to be present at Dr visits, and stay sober in exchange for a place to live. I thought that would mean all this stress and worry would be eliminated from our life.... I was so look wrong.
The A behaviors are still there and that is why I am here... bewildered..
When we agreed to take them in 5 years ago they assured us that Sis was sober RXA (prescription drug addict). I had not seen or talked to Sis more than 3 times in 36 years. So, what did I know? I could not imagine that a grandmother would ask her granddaughter to lie about such a thing. It did not take long to figure out.
My RXA sister agreed to give all her meds to me (which I keep under lock and key), allow me to be present at Dr visits, and stay sober in exchange for a place to live. I thought that would mean all this stress and worry would be eliminated from our life.... I was so look wrong.
The A behaviors are still there and that is why I am here... bewildered..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
That must be very frustrating! I am glad you found us here at SR. It is a great place to learn and get support. Take a look at the stickies at the top of this forum, there is a lot of really good stuff up there. We are all here because we care about someone who has an addiction, and we, more than people not in this situation, will understand and listen.
First, know that you are not alone. I think we have all been fooled by the A in our lives, over and over. It's not your fault for wanting to believe the best in someone. The hardest lesson I had to learn about my A, is that I could not control his using, no matter what I did. The best thing I have learned is that it waa never my responsibility.
Keep reading, others will be along to offer their stories and support.
First, know that you are not alone. I think we have all been fooled by the A in our lives, over and over. It's not your fault for wanting to believe the best in someone. The hardest lesson I had to learn about my A, is that I could not control his using, no matter what I did. The best thing I have learned is that it waa never my responsibility.
Keep reading, others will be along to offer their stories and support.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Thank you for your support it means a lot. It seems like I am always helping so no one seems to realize that courage is not the absence of fear, it is just the willingness to keep going. People don't realize I need the same thing they do. My Amom said it is my job to take care of those weaker than me. It feels lonely..
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Firefall, your sister and her grandchild have been with you for 5 years now, or has the grandchild moved out?
Your mom does not have the right to define your life for you. You may not want to take care of others; it's your choice. Family dynamics are a minefield, but your sister may think your job is to care for her too. I've found that when I get together with my sisters we often revert into childhood roles. This is something we need to be aware of because it's not healthy or appropriate behaviour for adults.
You've taken on the role of policeman for your sister, having to monitor her visits to the doctor etc. Does she resent this, and in turn act like a rebellious child towards her mother? Have you considered taking off all restraints and letting her decide for herself whether she wants to go on living with you? Is there any reason why she can't live independently?
Can I suggest you join Alanon or Naranon? You'll meet others who know exactly what you're going through, and learn what you have power over, and what you don't.
Your mom does not have the right to define your life for you. You may not want to take care of others; it's your choice. Family dynamics are a minefield, but your sister may think your job is to care for her too. I've found that when I get together with my sisters we often revert into childhood roles. This is something we need to be aware of because it's not healthy or appropriate behaviour for adults.
You've taken on the role of policeman for your sister, having to monitor her visits to the doctor etc. Does she resent this, and in turn act like a rebellious child towards her mother? Have you considered taking off all restraints and letting her decide for herself whether she wants to go on living with you? Is there any reason why she can't live independently?
Can I suggest you join Alanon or Naranon? You'll meet others who know exactly what you're going through, and learn what you have power over, and what you don't.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by Firefall 
Thank you for your support it means a lot. It seems like I am always helping so no one seems to realize that courage is not the absence of fear, it is just the willingness to keep going. People don't realize I need the same thing they do. My Amom said it is my job to take care of those weaker than me. It feels lonely..
It is not your job to spend your life rescuing your family.
You have a right to care for yourself and to enjoy your life without
stress, worry, and policing adults.
Please do look into the family dynamic issues mentioned by others.
I have found therapy really helpful for this.
Best to you. Great dog in your photo by the way
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Feeling great...
Grandniece is my A sister's granddaughter. I have been raising her since she was 12. She's junior in high school. Her mother, my sister's daughter died of a codeine and whiskey intoxication. I had not seen Sis or her daughter in 30 some years. My sister has codeine addiction she is 63 years old. She has a medical necessity to take pain meds as well as Bella Dona for Chrohns Disease. This is why she has to have meds monitored. Currently she is sober. The problem is she behaves the same as she did when she was loaded.
She is hides in her room until everyone is asleep, will not eat with the rest of the family, never admits taking things and not replacing them. Does not spend time with granddaughter, lies about everything to everyone. We have had to lock up my husband's codeine cough syrup because 8 oz went missing sometime during the last month. I am frustrated because she is very involved in AA. I am rushing her to the Dr constantly, when someone else gets sick, she has to get something worse, but all this junk goes on almost every day.
I am not willing (at this time) to put sister on the street due to her general health. Her son will not take her and there is no one else. I just need to understand how to return the sanity to my home.
Grandniece is my A sister's granddaughter. I have been raising her since she was 12. She's junior in high school. Her mother, my sister's daughter died of a codeine and whiskey intoxication. I had not seen Sis or her daughter in 30 some years. My sister has codeine addiction she is 63 years old. She has a medical necessity to take pain meds as well as Bella Dona for Chrohns Disease. This is why she has to have meds monitored. Currently she is sober. The problem is she behaves the same as she did when she was loaded.
She is hides in her room until everyone is asleep, will not eat with the rest of the family, never admits taking things and not replacing them. Does not spend time with granddaughter, lies about everything to everyone. We have had to lock up my husband's codeine cough syrup because 8 oz went missing sometime during the last month. I am frustrated because she is very involved in AA. I am rushing her to the Dr constantly, when someone else gets sick, she has to get something worse, but all this junk goes on almost every day.
I am not willing (at this time) to put sister on the street due to her general health. Her son will not take her and there is no one else. I just need to understand how to return the sanity to my home.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Part of returning to sanity is learning how to detach.
Detaching means different things to different people. Learning not to do things, for her or anyone else, that she CAN do for herself. Many folks choose not to do things for themselves....a difference. Often when they detaching begins, you hear alot of moaning and groaning and poor me! It's to be expected.....
You don't have to put her in the street to detach. Perhaps read things about codependency.....start looking at your life from a different perspective. How can you do things different? What boundaries can you set?
Detaching means different things to different people. Learning not to do things, for her or anyone else, that she CAN do for herself. Many folks choose not to do things for themselves....a difference. Often when they detaching begins, you hear alot of moaning and groaning and poor me! It's to be expected.....
You don't have to put her in the street to detach. Perhaps read things about codependency.....start looking at your life from a different perspective. How can you do things different? What boundaries can you set?
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
I don't know how to take care of myself. I went to therapy for a long time, it helped and life got better. BUT, taking my sister to therapy "didn't work" for her and she refused to go back.
I took her granddaughter and with some intense parenting she has become a normal teenager, thank God. My hubby and I have 3 healthy, happy adult daughters... but never did that prepare me for what I would be called to do.
The Dr says due to 50 years of drug abuse that my sister has advanced addictive disorder, she will be an emotional teen for life... (me overwhelmed). I need to find myself so I can make the best decisions.
I took her granddaughter and with some intense parenting she has become a normal teenager, thank God. My hubby and I have 3 healthy, happy adult daughters... but never did that prepare me for what I would be called to do.
The Dr says due to 50 years of drug abuse that my sister has advanced addictive disorder, she will be an emotional teen for life... (me overwhelmed). I need to find myself so I can make the best decisions.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Firefall, even adults who are stunted at the 'emotional teen' level are capable of manipulation and working out how to get their own way. My kids learned that in the cradle
Your sister will modify her behaviour when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.
You may have tried these basic steps, so I just throw them in in case they worth thinking about:
- Educate yourself on co-dependency - try reading Melanie Beatty's 'Co-dependent no more'.
- Write yourself a list of how you would like your sister to behave (within reason), e.g. eat with the family, pay board, help with the chores, catch the bus to her appointments where possible, ask before taking things.. and so on.
- Sit down with her and ask her what she thinks would be fair and reasonable as a member of the household
- Think about what she can do for herself and don't do it for her; let her deal with the consequences
- Don't underestimate her; she may have learned to be helpless (after all your role is to look after everyone else, right?)
- Find yourself an activity that removes you from the house. Maybe an overnight trip with your husband? Something fun. See if the sky has fallen when you return.
Just some of my thoughts but hopefully you can take something from them.
Your sister will modify her behaviour when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.
You may have tried these basic steps, so I just throw them in in case they worth thinking about:
- Educate yourself on co-dependency - try reading Melanie Beatty's 'Co-dependent no more'.
- Write yourself a list of how you would like your sister to behave (within reason), e.g. eat with the family, pay board, help with the chores, catch the bus to her appointments where possible, ask before taking things.. and so on.
- Sit down with her and ask her what she thinks would be fair and reasonable as a member of the household
- Think about what she can do for herself and don't do it for her; let her deal with the consequences
- Don't underestimate her; she may have learned to be helpless (after all your role is to look after everyone else, right?)
- Find yourself an activity that removes you from the house. Maybe an overnight trip with your husband? Something fun. See if the sky has fallen when you return.
Just some of my thoughts but hopefully you can take something from them.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
FeelingGreat..
Thanks.. your words ring true, especially the word "helpless" she uses this often along with mom never let me do anything myself because I wasn't smart enough".
But she has managed to survive in situations that raise the hair on the back of my neck.
And Mom has been gone 24 years so that makes me wonder how she survived for 19 on her own.
I have copied your words to my journal... they are a good place to start. I will get the Beatty book. The last few days I have been trying to read as much as I can. It helps. Talking to you all here and the literature. Don't yet understand why it helps, but it does.
Thanks
Thanks.. your words ring true, especially the word "helpless" she uses this often along with mom never let me do anything myself because I wasn't smart enough".
But she has managed to survive in situations that raise the hair on the back of my neck.
And Mom has been gone 24 years so that makes me wonder how she survived for 19 on her own.
I have copied your words to my journal... they are a good place to start. I will get the Beatty book. The last few days I have been trying to read as much as I can. It helps. Talking to you all here and the literature. Don't yet understand why it helps, but it does.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Firefall
I don't know how to take care of myself.
gentle hugs
ke
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Hawkeye13
Thanks.... read your post a couple of days ago... but today is when I needed them.
Dog is great more images in my Album http:// http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/members/firefall-albums-traces-picture14984-my-service-dog-friend-constant-companion.jpg
Thanks.... read your post a couple of days ago... but today is when I needed them.
Dog is great more images in my Album http:// http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/members/firefall-albums-traces-picture14984-my-service-dog-friend-constant-companion.jpg
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Firefall, I am sorry you are going through all this and glad you reached out. Meetings will help you find your balance, and reading lots about codependency. There is a lot of good information up in the Sticky threads at the top of this forum as well that may help you understand more about how addiction and codependency keep dancing together until both are exhausted.
Once you find your balance, you may be able to set better boundaries, like having her eat with the family and not isolate permanently.
Maybe also check with some mental health support organizations near you, mental illness and addiction often go hand in hand and it's hard to deal with one without understanding the other.
I hope you find some support soon, this must just overwhelm you.
Hugs
Once you find your balance, you may be able to set better boundaries, like having her eat with the family and not isolate permanently.
Maybe also check with some mental health support organizations near you, mental illness and addiction often go hand in hand and it's hard to deal with one without understanding the other.
I hope you find some support soon, this must just overwhelm you.
Hugs
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Originally Posted by Ann
Firefall, I am sorry you are going through all this and glad you reached out. Meetings will help you find your balance, and reading lots about codependency. There is a lot of good information up in the Sticky threads at the top of this forum as well that may help you understand more about how addiction and codependency keep dancing together until both are exhausted.
Once you find your balance, you may be able to set better boundaries, like having her eat with the family and not isolate permanently.
Maybe also check with some mental health support organizations near you, mental illness and addiction often go hand in hand and it's hard to deal with one without understanding the other.
I hope you find some support soon[/B], this must just overwhelm you.
Hugs
Once you find your balance, you may be able to set better boundaries, like having her eat with the family and not isolate permanently.
Maybe also check with some mental health support organizations near you, mental illness and addiction often go hand in hand and it's hard to deal with one without understanding the other.
I hope you find some support soon[/B], this must just overwhelm you.
Hugs
I feel caught between my need to communicate so I can get help and my feeling of talking smack about my sister... :-/
I am reading sticky notes and that does help.. also I don't like to say, but I have agoraphobia and short term memory damage from heat stroke 6 years ago (hence the service dog)... so I have to stay in a close radius to where I live. There is a great meeting place nearby... but sister goes to AA meetings there.
Except for the ones I am meeting here... I have become cut off. In case you haven't figured it out, I love people... but cut off now
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