I'm done!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 127
I'm done!
So my 20yo daughter, who I don't know if she's clean or using anymore, has moved on to yet another new relationship with a 41yo man. He happens to be the ex husband of the her ex bf's sister. This ex bf is the one that got her started on drugs in the first place.
The other night she called and wanted to come by for a pair of shoes. My hubby said fine as long as she didn't bring this man (who is older than me by the way...same age as hubby). She flipped!! She cursed out my hubby, posted nasty stuff on fb etc. My 14 yo saw this and got involved defending her dad. (Lots and lots of anger toward sis). 20 yo proceeds to say the meanest , most vile things to her sis, horrible lies about hubby, dammed her for being born, cursed their relationship, just the most hurtful you could say to anyone let alone a child. Then proceeds to text me more of the same type of stuff and hints that surprise she's pregnant.
I have forgiven soooo much. I have given sooo much, advocated, cried, worried, and given up so much for her. I can't do it anymore. I'm hurt, sad, disgusted, frustrated, and ashamed. I know part of it is her borderline personality disorder. The things she said are unforgivable. I can't keep allowing her to suck the life and joy out of me. She obviously does not want to help herself. She's living in a fantasy. She has court next week for her sentencing. I hope she goes back to jail where she will be safe.
The other night she called and wanted to come by for a pair of shoes. My hubby said fine as long as she didn't bring this man (who is older than me by the way...same age as hubby). She flipped!! She cursed out my hubby, posted nasty stuff on fb etc. My 14 yo saw this and got involved defending her dad. (Lots and lots of anger toward sis). 20 yo proceeds to say the meanest , most vile things to her sis, horrible lies about hubby, dammed her for being born, cursed their relationship, just the most hurtful you could say to anyone let alone a child. Then proceeds to text me more of the same type of stuff and hints that surprise she's pregnant.
I have forgiven soooo much. I have given sooo much, advocated, cried, worried, and given up so much for her. I can't do it anymore. I'm hurt, sad, disgusted, frustrated, and ashamed. I know part of it is her borderline personality disorder. The things she said are unforgivable. I can't keep allowing her to suck the life and joy out of me. She obviously does not want to help herself. She's living in a fantasy. She has court next week for her sentencing. I hope she goes back to jail where she will be safe.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm so sorry that this is ripping your family apart, Jen.
Facebook can be a destructive tool sometimes, maybe turn it off for a while and see if you are not happier without it.
Prayers out for all of you, that more peaceful days are ahead.
Hugs
Facebook can be a destructive tool sometimes, maybe turn it off for a while and see if you are not happier without it.
Prayers out for all of you, that more peaceful days are ahead.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Oh goodness Jend. I am so, so sorry. Perhaps this frustration and anger will help you in some form. I'm sorry for all of you. That type of venom is toxic. I've had similar responses in the past from my son, and am always amazed that he thinks a mumbled "yeah sorry" out from under an oversized hood makes it alright. Sometimes we have to sit and process what exactly just happened to make Any sense at all. Big, big hug to you today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I could say "don't take it personally--it's the addiction talking" but it's REALLY hard not to take it personally.....particularly when you're only 14 years old (her sister). It's hard to imagine how someone we love so much can say the things they do.
I had to learn to walk away from the vile stuff. There are ways to turn off another persons posts without un friending them on Facebook. It is definitely helpful when we don't see it and it doesn't hit our message feed for others to see.
I also had to learn to walk away from bad behavior....by physically walking away, hanging up the phone (I always kindly but firmly warned him when it was about to happen), simply not reacting at all and generally taking the stance of not being willing to subject myself to verbal or emotional abuse. I had to "retrain" my son on what I was and was not willing to put up with. Much of the antics an addict does is to get us to REACT and every time we do, we are an active (and somewhat willing) participant. Learning to control my reactions took a while.....I'm a slow learner....lol....but I've got it down pretty good and the change in my behavior has changed the dynamic with my son for the better.
As parents, we love our children unconditionally......but unconditional love does not mean that we unconditionally put up with unacceptable behavior. I had to get over the guilt, anger, expectations, feelings of obligation, etc......it's been......interesting.
I was married to an addict many years ago (divorced 30 years ago) and my adult son is an addict. Both were/are difficult.....but in my experience......having an addicted child has been much more difficult for me in many ways. I had to work hard on me......it's been a tough road but I've learned a lot and I believe I'm a better person for it. The Serenity Prayer has been a life saver for me but I really liked the "altered" version in my early recovery days.
God,,,,grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, courage to change the people I can, and the wisdom to know......it's me.
I'm sure other mothers will be along to offer their support and encouraging words.
gentle hugs
ke
I had to learn to walk away from the vile stuff. There are ways to turn off another persons posts without un friending them on Facebook. It is definitely helpful when we don't see it and it doesn't hit our message feed for others to see.
I also had to learn to walk away from bad behavior....by physically walking away, hanging up the phone (I always kindly but firmly warned him when it was about to happen), simply not reacting at all and generally taking the stance of not being willing to subject myself to verbal or emotional abuse. I had to "retrain" my son on what I was and was not willing to put up with. Much of the antics an addict does is to get us to REACT and every time we do, we are an active (and somewhat willing) participant. Learning to control my reactions took a while.....I'm a slow learner....lol....but I've got it down pretty good and the change in my behavior has changed the dynamic with my son for the better.
As parents, we love our children unconditionally......but unconditional love does not mean that we unconditionally put up with unacceptable behavior. I had to get over the guilt, anger, expectations, feelings of obligation, etc......it's been......interesting.
I was married to an addict many years ago (divorced 30 years ago) and my adult son is an addict. Both were/are difficult.....but in my experience......having an addicted child has been much more difficult for me in many ways. I had to work hard on me......it's been a tough road but I've learned a lot and I believe I'm a better person for it. The Serenity Prayer has been a life saver for me but I really liked the "altered" version in my early recovery days.
God,,,,grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, courage to change the people I can, and the wisdom to know......it's me.
I'm sure other mothers will be along to offer their support and encouraging words.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Jen, I'm speechless, and I'm so sorry she did that to you and caused you so much emotional pain. I know that feeling all too well.
Seems like when you think our daughters have said the worst, toxic things to us, rarely saying that they are sorry...then the next round starts, worse than the one before. And it just keeps going on.
My AD must feel safe saying the cruel things to me, as your AD is saying to you. They can predict our responses...
Gentle hugs to you from me old friend, you gotta breathe and let it out. TF
Seems like when you think our daughters have said the worst, toxic things to us, rarely saying that they are sorry...then the next round starts, worse than the one before. And it just keeps going on.
My AD must feel safe saying the cruel things to me, as your AD is saying to you. They can predict our responses...
Gentle hugs to you from me old friend, you gotta breathe and let it out. TF
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Oh Jend so sorry you are dealing with this! The addicted children have no idea how much pain and suffering they bring to a family. I just went over all this with my son. So hurtful and we get to a point where we have just had enough. I understand.
I agree with Anne that sometimes FB is just too much. I shut mine down for over a month because of the drama. Either that or block/unfriend. So unfair and hurtful to your younger daughter. I agree 100% with Kindeyes, you can love them no matter what but this does not mean we should accept their abusive behavior. I have distanced myself in the past when I didn't want to deal with my son's crap and it may be a good time for you to do the same for awhile. I would have reported her post to FB BTW so it would be taken down. The world does not need to see your family's drama. Praying for better days and things to work out Jend. Big hugs. Do what is best for you and the rest of your family Jend.
I agree with Anne that sometimes FB is just too much. I shut mine down for over a month because of the drama. Either that or block/unfriend. So unfair and hurtful to your younger daughter. I agree 100% with Kindeyes, you can love them no matter what but this does not mean we should accept their abusive behavior. I have distanced myself in the past when I didn't want to deal with my son's crap and it may be a good time for you to do the same for awhile. I would have reported her post to FB BTW so it would be taken down. The world does not need to see your family's drama. Praying for better days and things to work out Jend. Big hugs. Do what is best for you and the rest of your family Jend.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am so sorry, too, for the pain it causes all of you. My youngest, now 16, has been attending Alateen meetings for two years. They have really helped her understand addiction and her sister's behavior/choices, and given her a place to be around kids who are in similar situations. Maybe see if there are any in your area. She was so nervous the first night, but felt such relief & acceptance after. There are often very wise adults (Al-Anon members) who run the meetings and mentor the teens as well.
My 20 yo AD has an ABF who is in his 30s, so I empathize completely. They met in rehab. They are not in active recovery and she will not leave his side for anything. I feel like the co-dependence is a huge issue, wrapped up as it is in addiction, it seems.
Big hugs your way, and one for your youngest, too.
My 20 yo AD has an ABF who is in his 30s, so I empathize completely. They met in rehab. They are not in active recovery and she will not leave his side for anything. I feel like the co-dependence is a huge issue, wrapped up as it is in addiction, it seems.
Big hugs your way, and one for your youngest, too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 30
Know that you are not alone. I have been in your same spot, of feeling like, I have forgiven and looked past and dealt with SO MUCH, and yet every time I think this is the worst thing my AS could possibly do, the most he could possibly hurt me, he manages to do something even worse and even more hurtful.
It is sad when we have to hope our child will be incarcerated. My AS had a court date today, but it doesn't look like he showed up...that will be warrant #2 out for him.
I am sorry for the pain and anguish you are feeling. I know it well, and it is no fun. Wishing you strength and peace.
It is sad when we have to hope our child will be incarcerated. My AS had a court date today, but it doesn't look like he showed up...that will be warrant #2 out for him.
I am sorry for the pain and anguish you are feeling. I know it well, and it is no fun. Wishing you strength and peace.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I know part of it is her borderline personality disorder. The things she said are unforgivable. I can't keep allowing her to suck the life and joy out of me. She obviously does not want to help herself. She's living in a fantasy. She has court next week for her sentencing. I hope she goes back to jail where she will be safe.
What you always, always, always need to remember is when it comes to your daughter, you will never do or say the right thing. For she will turn everything you try to do for her against you.
As someone who was a victim of emotional abuse from a Borderline, I empathize with you a great deal. My hope for you is you decide, on your own terms, when enough is enough. Let God deal with your daughter. He's got the bandwidth for it. You don't.
ZoSo
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