kikilarsen

Hi everyone,

Things have been going better for the most part for the past couple of months. My ABF has been attending NA meetings and things were starting to look up... Last night he went on his bender. I knew it was coming before it even happened. I could feel his vibe, he was trying to pick fights with me so it would give him a reason to get drunk and use. Well he got me, and he ended up leaving before dinner (with his addict friend, that he let move in months ago) and not returning until 7am.

I wrote him a letter for him to read when he sobered up. Basically said I can't live like this anymore and that I love him but I'm tired of seeing him invite these bad influences into his life. I waited until dinner time to talk to him, hoping he would of been sober and a little easier to talk to. He freaked out, calling me crazy telling me I can get out (I live 12 hours away from any of my family, and I don't know anyone here that I can stay with). I've had a really difficult time holding down a job because of the issues we have been having. He would take off all night, and it has worn me down to the point where I think I have such bad social anxiety that it's hard for me to even function in any kind of social environment. He started to call me names, belittle me and tries to bully me. This is the part where I am ashamed, and I feel like it was probably a bad choice on my part... I went into his liquor cabinet and started dumping out all of his liquor... Well he came in and shoved me around, trying to physically hurt me. I ended up punching him in the face because he threw me so hard into the corner of the counter that it made me so mad that he could hurt me like that, on purpose. Im completely wrong, I shouldn't of done those things and I do feel bad. It's also a situation that I shouldn't be in. He has turned into someone that I don't know. I recently got a good job, and everything has been going great since he has been sober. We have both been happy, and not even two days ago he was saying how much he loves me and that he doesn't know what he would do without me. Today it's like he hates me, that I'm the lowest piece of trash. I feel like that already, I'm feeling like I have no one to turn to (I have burnt many bridges with my family, they have almost given up on me and my relationship). And, after everything that has happened today the more I think about myself leaving the more upset I get and the more I tell myself that I love him. I don't get it. And for him, he can just turn it off. It just hurts. The amount of dis function I have dealt with and I have stuck around and I feel like I am worthless.

I'm sorry for such a long post. I just have no one to talk to, and it feels good to get it all out.

Vale

You are NOT worthless. Read some more (especially the 'stickies' above)
and you will find out just how much these 'patterns' have in common.
Welcome to SR. I hope you will find this place to be as welcoming as
I have.

FourTwentyOne

You have found a place where everyone understands. You can share safely, vent and get reassurance.

I know from my own experience that our family and friends care so much about us, that it hurts them to hear what we are going through, and when from their perspective, we refuse to do what we need to do to get away from the bad situation we are in, they begin to pull away. This is not because they don't care, but because it hurts them to hear the same things over and over, when they can do nothing to help, and we won't do anything to change our own situation.

One of my college professors once said, "When you walk through the halls, and you see that person - you know the one, when you ask how are you? they go off on a 20 minute rant about how miserable their life is - DON'T ASK THEM HOW THEY ARE! Smile, say "Hi", and keep going". I have carried that with me all these years. I think that sometimes our families or friends feel they need to do that, to protect their own emotional health.

If you chose to leave the situation you are in, if that is what you want, I would be willing to bet your family and friends would stand by you, and support you in moving into a healthier life.

Do read the stickies. They hold great wisdom and healing

Hawkeye13

Welcome to SR;

If your family is not an option, or leaving the area (though I bet 420 is right and they would want to hear from you without him) remember there is now domestic violence in the picture--you could very likely go to a Women's Shelter for a short stay and then get reestablshed in your own place.

The decision to stay or go of course is yours, but one important thing to consider is the violence.

Now that the line of physical pushing / punching has been crossed, you need to get out of the situation ASAP even if you "aren't scared" of him.
Things like that can escalate very quickly, and he is using again.

Please be safe and be proactive for yourself.

kikilarsen

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I'm at the airport as I type waiting for my flight back home. My dad ended up calling the police and they showed up this morning worried about my well being. Things were not good when I left. I felt like my ABF just threw me to the curb and put all the blame on me. I had to leave my dog, which tears me up. He took pleasure in my pain. Really unfortunate and I'm feeling really down. How can I still feel so much love and so much hate for the same person? I know it's for the best, but it's like someone ripped my whole life from me and I now have to start all over again. I wish It could have been different. I was the only good influence in his life, and now he has no one that is sober in his life. Sadly I still worry. Hopefully it will pass one day and I can truly move on. I just don't feel like I have the closure I need. I don't understand how he doesn't care about me at all and he meant the world to me. What I do know is that I made a difficult choice that I should have made a long time ago.

gabriel01

kikilarsen,

I totally understand your situation and feel sorry for you. But you are loved. Your dad loves you so much. They was just disappointed that you were hurt and still chose to stay. Move on and take care of yourself first.

((((HUG))))

Hope4Life

Hi Kiki,

I'm so sorry that it had to end in such a bad way. 12 hrs ago you had no idea what would happen and now you have a destination and your Dad is waiting to give you a big, loving, heartfelt hug! I am very happy that you are going to reunite with your family as I truly feel that nothing in this world is more important.

Keep your chin up. The future holds promise for you now and the problems of living with an addict are gone, hopefully forever.

I'm very sorry that you had to leave your dog behind. Take Care.

Vale

We're sorry, KKL. We do indeed know how much it hurts. people say crap
at times like this like "it's for the best" etc........but that's not what we need
to hear.

We just need people to listen.

There are a lot a great listeners here, and to a person they (we) are
very sorry you are going through this.

It hurts.
We know.
It won't hurt forever.
We promise.

Have a great flight home!

Kindeyes

This statement is so very true. Just as it is painful to watch the addict's life and behaviors deteriorate......it is very painful for the people who love you to see you in a situation that is causing you such grief.

I'm glad to hear that you are heading to a safe place. After my divorce from my XAH, I moved back home. Being surrounded by people who loved me helped me put my life and self esteem back together. Unfortunately, the anger and awful things that an addict says is often a reflection of the way they feel toward themselves.

I hope you stick around. Read. Vent. Learn. Ask questions. And begin healing......

You deserve to have a relationship with a man who appreciates how special you are.

gentle hugs
ke

zoso77

I highlighted a couple of passages here because they resonate. When you're dealing with sick people, they behave in sick ways. So his sadism doesn't surprise me in the least because that's what someone who's not in recovery does.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what you do or give to people like that. He's like a ship with a hole in the bottom of its hull. He rewarded you for your efforts with physical and emotional abuse. Both are unacceptable under any circumstances. I, for one, am relieved you're out of that situation.

You will have plenty of time to "post game" everything. The important thing, right now, is you got out of there. My hope is that you stick around and read both the sticky notes and posts that resonate with you. You're not alone. And you will heal. It may take some time, but you have time so that's OK.

Be safe.

ZoSo

kikilarsen

I appreciate all your kind words and encouragement. I've made it this far

This week has been more difficult than I ever imagined. When I left there was so much anger and resentment in me and all of those feelings have now changed to guilt and sadness. We have kept in minimal contact since I left. I think the worst part is that I miss him. The good parts of him obviously, but sometimes its been making my head cloudy of the reasons why I left.

I can't move on quite yet. I can't even plan what my future may be because I am still holding out for "What If?" My family has been speaking to me about my future and they have been wanting me to make some plans but I can't even think about it. I'm not ready to commit to anything. Have any of you had issues with still not being able to move on, even after you made that first step of leaving?

Besides all the sadness and guilt, I'm trying to get through every day. I just wonder if he misses me as much as I (should not) miss him?

Liamracer

. You have a good father to come and get you and bring you out of that situation. Spend time with your family and rebuild your life. But whatever you do do not go back to him as it will end up in the same situation that has made you leave.

And you do have people to talk to. Us nutters for a start . Surround yourself with good positive people. Who deserve your love and time. Take care x