LoveMeNow

Although I am no way wanting another relationship for a long time.......but I am so scared to repeat the same mistakes. Looking back at my past, I realize now my ex fiancé was an untreated alcoholic/ dry drunk. In fact, my first love, with whom I dated for over 5 years, I later found out was an alcoholic. A few years ago, after a year sober, married for 20 yrs, 2 kids, he committed suicide. I have no idea why I would seek out the same kind of men. If I was to be really honest with myself, there were red flags that I ignored about my husband when we starting dating. Red flags I ignored because my "love" would change him.

This article is a sticky. It confirms my fears but offers no solutions. I read other posters who have repeated the pattern too. I have worked with a therapist for over a year but unfortunately we never addressed this or any inner child issues. We were too busy dealing with the present situation I stayed in for longer then I should have. Any thoughts are welcome!!!



FALLING IN LOVE WITH AN UNAVAILABLE PERSON

Many love addicts find they have a history of falling in love with an unavailable person and they wonder why this keeps happening over and over again. The following is a list of the most common reasons love addicts keep falling into this trap.

Reminders of our first love: We are always attracted to people who remind us of our first love. If a person's first love was an absent or emotionally unavailable parent, then he or she is only attracted to unavailable people, and this is the only kind of person they pursue. They do this out of habit, despite the pain it will cause them later on.

Looking for the happy ending: Many love addicts are not only attracted to unavailable people, they choose them as partners in order to recreate the past and change the ending. They often become obsessed trying to gain, through their current partner, the love they never got as a child. They do this unconsciously over and over again. It is a form of insanity. It is their inner child forcing his or her will on them despite the painful consequences. (See Recovery section for more about the inner child.)

Miscalculations: Many love addicts do not choose an unavailable person. They just fall in love before they find out the person is unavailable. Then, out of stubbornness, and because they have become so dependent, they refuse to give up and move on.
Unrequited Love: Some love addicts can only fall in love with the person of their dreams. Since no such person really exists, they project their fantasies onto someone and then see in that person only what they want to see.

These completely unavailable people are a good target for this kind of projection because the love addict never really gets to know them. They are always who the love addict wants them to be. Love addicts, who are also addicted to fantasizing, are drawn to the phenomenon of unrequited love.
Excitement: Chasing after someone who is unavailable can be exciting. It can really get the adrenalin going, not to mention the libido. Romance addicts often go after unavailable people because they are addicted to the chase.
Unconscious Fear of Intimacy: While love addicts consciously obsess about love, they often have an underlying fear of intimacy. Choosing to fall in love with someone who is unavailable (to one degree or another) is one way to avoid facing this fear.

CodeJob

Chipper article. Next time I will just go to Ireland and should be able to find someone right at the Shannon airport.

Kindeyes

LMN
When I started dating again, I looked for a man who was the opposite of everything my XAH was.....it worked! I kissed a few frogs first though......and they didn't turn into princes.....they were frogs through and through.

The good news......now that I've experienced a bad marriage (addiction + other behavioral issues) and a good marriage (to a good, strong, healthy, non-addicted man)......I would rather be alone than live with a man like my XAH again.

One day at a time....

gentle hugs
ke

DesertEyes

Been there, done that. Divorced my ex after she went ballistic with pain medication, was seeing 3 other married guys... that I know of. Did a little dating, fell in love with a lovely woman I thought was perfect.... but this time I did _not_ repeat the same mistakes. Nope. Not a single one did I repeat. I just made a whole bunch of _new_ mistakes.

See, that is exactly what i was _not_. That part about honest with _me_.

Done that too. They were not _really_ red flags, not _totally_ red, more like "pink" flags, you know, she's not really _that_ bad.

I am not a therapist, so I cannot give you any advice. I can tell you what I have learned, see if any of it works for you.

My problem is _not_ that I am attracted to the wrong kind of woman. My problem is that I take _action_ on that attraction. Once I start on the action I then proceed to stop doing that "honest with myself", which is really my best defense against my own foolishness. Then I start changing the colors of the flags from red to pink, and then I end up wondering how I got myself in the same mess with a different woman.

It's like dominoes, if I don't push over the first one I don't have to worry about the whole rest of them tumbling over.

Al-anon has been wonderful for me. I just sit and listen to other people share about the mistakes they have made. I think to myself "That was a dumb thing that person did, how come they did not stop themselves in time?" Then I realize that, duh!, I have done the same dumb things. I can see in other people how they blind themselves to their own foolishness, but I am not able to see it in _me_.

Sponsoring other folks has helped me catch myself _before_ I do something foolish. The more I share my own story with others the easier it becomes to _remember_ it, and to detect my own thoughts before going off the track.

ACoA has also been great. I understand what my "triggers" are, what my fundamental motivations are, and how they tangle my thoughts into believing stuff that is just not true. Same deal there, the more I repeat my own story, the easier it becomes to stop myself before it's too late.

My sponsor told me to take a whole year off women. No dating. No flirting. No _nothing_. Pretend I am a hermit in the desert and focus on getting my own head cleared of garbage. Okay, so the first time I only waited 6 months, and I did not do as much 12 stepping and recovery as I could have. So I ended up in a relationship that was not all that bad, but not too healthy either. Next time I did the full 12 months, and _really_ worked on my self. Made a huge difference, the next relationship was _much_ better.

This last time I waited a whole year, followed directions, worked on me and... you know.... I'm perfectly fine _not_ being in a relationship. I am kinda liking this. I have dated a little bit, gone out with some wonderful people, and I have not ( yet ) fallen blindly in love with another druggie/alkie.

What has helped me the most is an ACoA concept. I was _not_ born with this "fatal attraction". It's something I learned along the path of life. Which means that if it is a learned behavior, then I can _replace_ it with a healthier learned behavior. The thing is, just like going to graduate school, I have to do the homework, read the books, and really work hard at it. I am not going to get well by osmosis.

When I waver, when I feel that old "pull" towards the dark side, I repeat this one little al-anon slogan:

I would rather live alone, than wish I did.

Mike

LoveMeNow

Thank you Mike for sharing your ESH. Powerful stuff. Looks like I really need to start working a 12 step program. Although I started to, I really preferred my therapist more. (Probably because is was easier in many ways, ugh)

cece1960

LMN...I am the QUEEN of falling for unavailable men. I've decided to take a looooong break from relationships now.
It's easy, really, when there isn't exactly men beating down my door

Ann

I have two dear Al-anon friends who swore their "picker" was broken because for the life of them they just could not pick a man that wouldn't drag them down.

One chose man #2 as the exact opposite of man #1, he was different but he was even crazier than the first fella. The good news is that he was so whacky, it wasn't too hard for her to walk.

Today she is happy with #3, the perfect relationship in every way. What made this time different? She put a few years of being single in and decided she could be very happy all by herself and that she would never settle for anyone unwilling to give as much as she did to any relationship. It was she who changed, when she had some good recovery under her belt. Sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy...and thus it has always been.

You are healthier now than when this all began, and you can be healthier still when you learn that life can be wonderful without depending on another person to make you happy. YOU hold the key to your happiness, you always have.

Hugs

MLJ88

I fully agree with Ann- even though I have no experience leaving my husband and searching for a new relationship. I do believe that we have to work on ourselves before we can love someone. Whether through therapy or a step program- work on you and only you. If you find happiness in yourself then you will never expect someone else to make you happy.

MLJ88

I also once read that "we only accept the love that we think we deserve." So I guess at points in your life you thought you deserved those men. I bet once you work on you- you will only accept the best.

For me- I'm not quite sure why I fell for my husband- I don't know if there was any real underlying reason. I was very young- he was a few years older then me- very good looking- very smart- confident etc... He made laugh, he was thoughtful (before he was an addict). I fell head over heals at a young age. Looking back- there were a lot of red flags but I think I was just so young that I didn't realize what they really meant. As I got older- I was hell bent on making it work, and on fixing him. Now after years of happiness that turned into years of pain- I know that i cant fix him-and now I'm going to work on me and see where that leads me.

Vale

OK....we've heard a plethora of the XX side. Time for some XY thoughts.
(Yeah, I KNOW I'm 'gonna get blasted from the sky as every AAA gun opens
up on me.....but I jink fairly unpredictably....so I got a fair chance...no guts
no glory, 'ya know!)

My daughter in in the arena now---going operational in the big game. This is
some of what her Dad tells her.

1. I love you.

2. It's a deadly serious game. No resets. No timeouts. Anyone who blabbers on about
fighting fair....has never been IN one. The good ones don't stay on the shelf long,
because everyone loves winning more than losing.

3. Men (like ALL humans) are full of bullcrap. Their 'jamming techniques' are well honed
and well adapted to achieve THEIR ends.....always at your expense.

4. Your anti-jamming techniques need to out class theirs or you will fall prey to their
tactics.

5. Winners don't win every game. If someone tells you they do----they are a liar.
What they DO have.....is a winning tradition. It is not difficult AT ALL to find out
how many checks they have in the win column. The problem is never that. The
problem is not liking what you find out .......and then rationalizing. BAD IDEA!

6. Unavailable people are unavailable. If you have examined each and every one of the
7 billion plus humans on this Earth (you haven't) but keep returning to the
unavailable ones---you need to find out why and reconfigure.....your tactics
aren't working.

7. Get this 'soulmate' crap out of your head. It is a romantic BS idea that your
opposition puts out there.....their FINEST and BEST weapon.
"I bring nothing to the table, baby, my past is littered with failures ONLY
because I never got my shot (world unfair, etc, etc, etc) BUT WASN'T LAST
NIGHT GREAT!!!!...... Of course it was. It's called oxytocin (look it up).

8. You KNOW the truth, my daughter (we ALL do). Knowing isn't the problem.
Finding the courage to act on it is. This is true for all things in life, no?


-----OK, fire away! But the crappy thing about a free society is that even Vale
is entitled to his opinion!

My lady & I have had a hell of a good run for 36 years now. You know how I
knew she was 'the one'?
When I threw her the line "So what makes YOU any different from all the
other husband-hunting guided missiles launched from Momma?"
The challenge was obviously meant to put her on the defensive hence gaining
tactical advantage for me........but in the spirit of the best defense being a good
offense she replied....."No different, just smarter, hotter, quicker, and BETTER---and
if you are too stupid or slow or timid to capitalize on this small window of opportunity,
then I will move on to someone smarter, hotter, quicker, and BETTER.....and you will
spend the rest of your life pining for the one that got away."

I was hers.

She has retained the tactical advantage ever since. The only person/situation that
has ever done so.

Ann

^^^



Love it Vale!!! Wise lady, she is.

Kindeyes

Dear Vale
Can I set up an appointment for you to speak with my daughter?

And I don't know Mrs. Vale.....but dang.....I LIKE HER!

hugs
ke

jjj111

LMN, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to choose differently after I broke up with AXBF. I can't say I've come up with a magic formula--I've been mostly single since the breakup, but I have distanced myself from a couple of budding relationships that I could tell were not headed in a healthy direction, so I guess maybe that's progress. Anyway, two books that really helped me were "How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved" by Sandra Brown and "Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry" by Albert Bernstein. These books have both helped me to identify some of the red flags that I've often ignored in the past. For example, I was often drawn to fast-moving relationships but both books helped me to realize why it's a red flag when a man wants to move quickly. Good luck!

Kindeyes

I read that one. Good book.....but wow.....did it hit some raw nerves!

hugs
ke

jjj111

Yes, I agree KE, the vampires book has to be taken with a grain of salt. He uses the metaphor of vampires to describe people who are so psychologically troubled by personality disorders that dealing with them is draining, and the metaphor makes it a lively read, but it's also pretty insensitive to people who are mentally ill to call them vampires. He makes a point of saying that these people aren't evil, just immature, but it would be easy to read the metaphor as pretty judgmental. Still, the author is an experienced therapist who I thought had a lot of interesting insights, and the book taught me a lot about spotting different patterns of unhealthy thinking/ways of relating to others, the kinds of red flags these different patterns present, and some strategies for coping with the different patterns.

bluebelle

I have done some soul searching in this area. I think that I ask too much of others. I look for someone to feel the void in me--the pain that I felt when losing my father and his side of the family. I had been removed from them because of the unhealthiness and alcoholism. However, there is a part of me that felt it was my fault. There was great pain from losing family members. It is unhealthy for me to look for others to fill the void and fix the pain that is inside of me. That sets me up for sadness in disappointment because nobody can fix the pain of loss. It is up to me to fulfill my needs on my own and to look to myself to fill the void. I have done some inner child work on my own. I have found it helpful to comfort that inner child--hold her, let her know it is o.k. and not her fault. It sounds somewhat cheesy, I know, but I think it has helped bring me some peace.

I also have come to realize that if I am instantly drawn and attracted to someone, then they are emotionally unavailable. So, at least for me in the past, the instant attraction has been a red flag.

Vale

She's a keeper.

LoveMeNow

My first boyfriend and my ex fiancé were scarily similar. The sexy bad boys!!

My husband was a clean cut, doting dad, handsome, charming business man. I waited 5 years to marry him because of my own ideas/issues about marriage...at the time.

He had undergone drug texting, counseling, psych eval....all court ordered during his desire to gain custody of our (his bio) 2 children. I thought I covered all the basis. Everybody, including me, believed I was incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful man. In my wildest nightmares, I never saw this ending the way it is.

Vale

LMN,

Opiates are VERY powerful.....NO ONE sees this coming. You must resist ALL
impulses to blame yourself------"if only my acuity was better, I would have
seen this coming".

NOT true.
Just not true.

DesertEyes

Of course not. Nobody does. That is why there are 100,000 peeps just on SoberRecovery, and who knows how many millions more on all the other websites.

My ex had _no_ history of addiction. Her family was totally normal. Ok, not perfect, but there was _no_ dysfunction anywhere. She has an advanced degree in a medical field, gave lectures on the biochemistry of addiction, is a recognized expert in her field... or was, not anymore.

One of the reasons I was so attracted to her is that I come from a family of alcoholics and I desperately did _not_ want that in my life again.

She became very ill, spent two years battling a horrible, excrutiating disease. We really thought she was going to die. When it went into remission she discovered that she _liked_ the pain pills and did not want to give them up.

The way I see it, calling it a "disease" works for me. It strikes just like a heart attack, or cancer, or a bolt of lightning. There is just no way to predict it, or prepare for it. Some people will fight it, follow doctors orders, excercise, and some people won't. My ex wife is one of those who didn't want to fight it, she liked it too much.

Now it is my turn to fight my own "collateral damage" from the disease. Which is why I go to al-anon, hang out on SR, keep in touch with friends in recovery. If I did not do that the pain would eat me up from the inside, and there really is nothing anywhere near as healing as walking into a room of people who understand _exactly_ what I am feeling.

Mike