jenny11785

Hello all!

Day 16 and feeling lonely. Also trying to get over codependency. Therapists say for me not yo date for a year. I guess I agree because I know I will have the same relationship I have always had. Same relationship different guy. Im just lonely and stressed. Started a new job today and I just miss having someone there. Just cuddle say how day went etc. I am getting over PTSD from my last relationship and they keep telling me Im just looking to revictimize myself. I am just so confused and feel unattractive and uncomfortable. Suggestions or anyone else going through the same?

zerothehero

Not going through the same thing, but thought I'd say hi. Didn't want a thread about loneliness with no responses. Hope you're okay. It seems getting good with yourself is important given what you've shared, but being alone isn't easy, either. Have you thought about meetings or places to develop friendships through some activities?

SlickRick07

I deal with loneliness a lot. Most of my relationships have ended horribly for me. My last one was cheating on me the entire relationship. The one before that cheated on me after I deployed ( I was in the military at the time). Loneliness has and is a big trigger for me drinking. Its hard when I just want someone that honestly cares about me and that I can trust and treat awesome and all I get is tossed to the curb like gutter trash. I haven't been in a relationship for over a year and that definitely contributed to drinking. So to answer your question, I feel your pain.

gettingbetter64

I've been single for 3 years,which has played a big part in my drinking. I deal with a big amount of loneliness daily, I have given a lot in relationships and got burned for it. I have only been in unstable relationships and I'm just realizing the only way I'll ever be able to find a healthy one is if I'm healthy too.

I hope you feel better

jenny11785

Thanks all! The thing is I live with three other people. I have friends who text throughout the day. Go to meetings. Do social stuff. But feel alone. Starting step stuff on my own because I dont have a sponsor but realizing how much I hate myself. I don't want to face all the ****** things of the past whether I caused them or not. I just feel tainted or something. I guess this would be a higher power thing but im not there yet. Its like I see so many flaws and feel im a terrible being. Probably not true but thats my thoughts.

SlickRick07

I would find something to focus on. That always helps me. Unfortunately, I don't even really have any friends to text because all of them either have families or are in serious relationships. I spend most of my time sitting at home alone. What does help though is focusing on bettering myself, be it school, health and fitness wise, or just in general. So find something you enjoy and go with it.

jenny11785

Thanks Rick!!

digdug

Hi Jenny,

My last girlfriend broke up with my on day 3. I had no friends because I had pushed everyone away in favor of drinking. I totally get the loneliness. I missed the intimacy. Not even sexual. Just having someone there for me to talk to and be there for me.

So I forced myself out of my comfort zone. I pushed myself to really try to develop deeper relationships with people in AA. As much as I wanted to just run home after meetings, I stuck around and really got to know people. I socialized with them outside of the rooms. I opened up and let them know how I was feeling. I had always had a lot of friends in the past, but never any close friends because I was always so guarded. I didn't want them to know the real me because I was afraid I would be rejected. But willing myself to create these intimate friendships has made the loneliness fade away. It's rare that I feel alone now because I have such amazing friends who know me inside and out.

I'll have a year sober in 24 days. I've just started dating again. I'm glad I took the suggestion to wait a year. If I sought out a relationship in the beginning, I would have just been trying to fill a void, i.e., to make myself feel better through the validation of a woman. Instead, I was able to myself feel better by learning to accept and love myself, and to build up those close, intimate friendships inside and outside the rooms. It takes time, but it's worth it.

Wastinglife

I am certainly lonely and have been single since I did rehab 3 yrs ago. In that time, I have dated a few girls, but I am still trying to figure out who the sober me is and I can't really open up to anyone right now. The last thing a girl wants to hear from a potential mate is that they are a broke alcoholic. I don't have a drivers license even (DUI) and at 37 yrs old, that raises red flags. I think I need to work on loving myself and getting my sh*t together before I can be in a relationship.

Here's to being lonely but sober!

Paul123456

Hi jenny

I am also on day 16 and feeling very lonely, because of my anxiety I have been single for 7 years! just wanted to say I know its horrible but we can and will get through it, all the best.

jenny11785

thanks all!!!

KateL

I re victimized myself time and time again. My therapist said it was familiarity and being used to abusers. I am single now but hope to meet someone by fate at a bus stop or something Give yourself some space for a while and hug yourself. You deserve it xxxxx

Aellyce

Hi Jenny,

You would probably feel even lonelier or otherwise unsatisfied in an abusive, codependent, or incompatible relationship. Why don't you just look around and make new friends for a while? Discover new, healthy interests and hobbies - perhaps these would bring you close to some people that you really like and that are good for you? I would not rush it... get to know people, communicate with them openly, and see where it leads to naturally? Not sure about others, but for me close authentic friendships usually curb emotional loneliness much better than dating... I actually really dislike the whole concept of dating for this reason. Trying to impress each-other with quazi strangers often just feeds my anxiety... I like best to make friends based on shared interests and let it unfold wherever. Maybe if you have family, reconnect with them as well?

It sounds like you might need some soul searching time for yourself before you are ready for a new relationship - I would make this my priority. Great that you are going to therapy and congrats on the sober time

jenny11785

Thanks Haennie- every word you typed was the truth!!

least

I'd make it a priority to work on yourself. Learn to love and accept yourself as you are. Besides, it's hard to love someone else if you don't love yourself.

nissan99

Thanks all, this thread is just what I needed. Heannie, you summed it up well. I'm only clean since January 22, and the day I was leaving rehab (they only take 20 patients at a time), I met someone that was checking in that day. I helped her get acquainted with everyone etc. and we have kept in touch, and it has turned into romantic communication. Scared as hell, but in Sober life, honesty is where it is at…I'll talk to her about my concerns and share the Heannie post for sure.

LadyinBC

Congrats on Day 16.

Okay first of all, the crappy things you've done, you can deal with that later. Focus on you right now and remaining sober.

You are not tainted and you are not a terrible being. You are a human being who has make some mistakes. We all have.

When we don't like ourselves, we make crappy decisions when we pick partners. Because we think we have to settle for crap. I know I certainly did.

It is important that you work on yourself first before you start another relationship. Gaining confidence and self esteem, means you will become stronger and will know that you deserve someone who will treat you with respect. You do deserve to be happy and have someone that truly cares about you. But it starts with you caring about you.

jenny11785

Thanks dig, wasting, Paul, hannie, Kate, Nissan, and Lady in BC.

The PTSD is what is getting to me.Sounds stupid but I would go from one guy to another within weeks (not a lot just 4 of them). One was 19-27 the next one was my ex husband from 27-39, a guy for 6 months when 39 and a few weeks after that met my ex fiancee who was 39-41. Still 41 but I always felt like the new one would protect and help me from the previous one. The last one was the worst and I can't find a new one to give me that sense of protection. I mean I could but it would be the same thing. I know it would. It's weird to stick up for yourself on your own. I never learned how to do it.

jenny11785

Oh creeping up on Day 25!!

Cazfox

I'm on day 58 been out of rehab for 4 weeks, and I am very lonely , I don't have any support from anyone and I miss the friends I made in rehab, I just feel that I have no one to talk too, and it's really beginning to make me feel down, the nights are the worst for me.