Day 51 Today, and 7 Sober Weekends!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 183
Day 51 Today, and 7 Sober Weekends!
Hi all -
Former binge drinker here. Had 4 months sober 4 yrs. ago, relapsed, and then kept right on drinking almost every weekend until mid-Jan 2014. I felt when I stopped this time that things were different. That something shifted in me, and that I was finally done.
So far, that has been the case. The first time around, I was so resentful of others who could drink, mad that I wasn't able to drink, and basically white knuckled it for the 4 months I had. It was a recipe for relapse/continuing to drink.
This time, I've only had a few fleeting moments of wishing that I could drink, or being triggered. Mostly - MOSTLY, I have been waking up every day (after the first week or so) feeling really sharp, clear, rested and all around GOOD. This time, I wanted it - I really did.
I do not work a formal program, but I come here to SR each day, and the insights I glean from the collective wisdom here are so valuable. I actively also "work on" and examine my drinking behaviors, how they served me (or not) vs. my current behaviors. I've had a few epiphanies along the way - now that my mind is more clear. I journal, and reread my journal entries, and try to learn from myself too in that way. Getting the feelings out, then examining them later is helpful. So, while I'm not in a program, I certainly feel like I am working on my sobriety this time, cherishing it, protecting it, and working on myself as a person. As a human being in this world without the instant gratification or numbing out alcohol gives.
I have accomplished so much more, not only on the weekends, but during the week. I am beginning to wonder how I wasted so much time being drunk or hungover or thinking about having next Friday roll around to do it all again. Now, I do so many other things, that I honestly don't know where I'd fit drinking in. That helps - to be sure.
I've also started taking better care of myself, now that I can focus on something other than my next binge. My nails are done, I've bought a few outfits with the extra money saved from not drinking, and I feel all around more like a real person, walking in the land of the living vs. a shadow version of myself -- no more dark circles mocking me in the mirror.
I am dealing Stage IV terminal cancer too, on chemo (unrelated to drinking). It will take my life in less than 10 yrs. Could be 2, could be 10 - but probably no more than that realistically, even under the best circumstances. I'm already a year and a half in to this diagnosis. I used it as another excuse to continue drinking, to bury the despair of my stolen future (I am only in my 40's). But drinking only made my mental state even more miserable. Now I am living the life I have - really living it. Fully present. I'm not running. I'm scared as hell, but I'm not running.
Thank you to all the wonderful people here. I learn something here every day. And that is no exaggeration.
I'm happily sober. Never thought I'd say that - hope so much that I can keep a hold of that. I don't ever want to feel the way I felt the last time I withdrew. It was physical and mental hell.
Sillstring
Former binge drinker here. Had 4 months sober 4 yrs. ago, relapsed, and then kept right on drinking almost every weekend until mid-Jan 2014. I felt when I stopped this time that things were different. That something shifted in me, and that I was finally done.
So far, that has been the case. The first time around, I was so resentful of others who could drink, mad that I wasn't able to drink, and basically white knuckled it for the 4 months I had. It was a recipe for relapse/continuing to drink.
This time, I've only had a few fleeting moments of wishing that I could drink, or being triggered. Mostly - MOSTLY, I have been waking up every day (after the first week or so) feeling really sharp, clear, rested and all around GOOD. This time, I wanted it - I really did.
I do not work a formal program, but I come here to SR each day, and the insights I glean from the collective wisdom here are so valuable. I actively also "work on" and examine my drinking behaviors, how they served me (or not) vs. my current behaviors. I've had a few epiphanies along the way - now that my mind is more clear. I journal, and reread my journal entries, and try to learn from myself too in that way. Getting the feelings out, then examining them later is helpful. So, while I'm not in a program, I certainly feel like I am working on my sobriety this time, cherishing it, protecting it, and working on myself as a person. As a human being in this world without the instant gratification or numbing out alcohol gives.
I have accomplished so much more, not only on the weekends, but during the week. I am beginning to wonder how I wasted so much time being drunk or hungover or thinking about having next Friday roll around to do it all again. Now, I do so many other things, that I honestly don't know where I'd fit drinking in. That helps - to be sure.
I've also started taking better care of myself, now that I can focus on something other than my next binge. My nails are done, I've bought a few outfits with the extra money saved from not drinking, and I feel all around more like a real person, walking in the land of the living vs. a shadow version of myself -- no more dark circles mocking me in the mirror.
I am dealing Stage IV terminal cancer too, on chemo (unrelated to drinking). It will take my life in less than 10 yrs. Could be 2, could be 10 - but probably no more than that realistically, even under the best circumstances. I'm already a year and a half in to this diagnosis. I used it as another excuse to continue drinking, to bury the despair of my stolen future (I am only in my 40's). But drinking only made my mental state even more miserable. Now I am living the life I have - really living it. Fully present. I'm not running. I'm scared as hell, but I'm not running.
Thank you to all the wonderful people here. I learn something here every day. And that is no exaggeration.
I'm happily sober. Never thought I'd say that - hope so much that I can keep a hold of that. I don't ever want to feel the way I felt the last time I withdrew. It was physical and mental hell.
Sillstring
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Sillystring, I set myself time goals, 1 day, 1 week, 6 weeks and so on and I loved hitting my goals. You sound the same as me and you have a right to be proud of yourself, especially with the stress of your cancer in the background. Congratualtions!
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