heartbroken sister
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Venice, California
Posts: 6
heartbroken sister
I am a newcomer so forgive me if I say or do anything wrong.
I have only recently been in contact with my brother again. I wont bore anyone with the details but 6 yrs ago I had enough of the family tip toeing around the issue living in denial and said what I felt needed to be said about my brother and his addiction with alcohol and drugs. Unfortunately all it did was band them all against me.
Anyways today I find myself back in contact and nothing has changed except he is much worse. The good thing is my mother is finally done enabling him and ready to address the reality if he doesn't change he won't be alive much longer.
I love my family but I don't love their actions. I sometimes feel my mom says she is ready to seriously stop enabling yet she will call me at 3 AM to tell me to pick him up at whatever location he is at. Before you say that only turns me into enabling her I am aware of this but when faced with the thought of my 79yr old mom two towns away going out in the middle of the night to corral up a drunk man the size of a house I just don't have the heart and maybe that is my flaw. I did tell my mom I refuse to ever take him in public ever again after a recent shopping trip I found out he had been stealing while I was with him. Then last night realized he had not only stole from the store but from me also
I feel like I was robbed of a mother, a mother who only had time and energy to deal with my brother. This has been going on nearly 15 years now and I had planned on going to see my brother this morning and confronting him about his stealing. He is no where to be found at the moment and I thought maybe I would use this time to seek some advice.
I am hurt, heartbroken like so many of you I suppose. Like I said I am new to this forum and would appreciate any advice you can offer on confronting him about his stealing and using. I want to do it today but am wondering if its too late because by noon he is usually so out of it nothing registers in his brain. Im sorry if I sound scattered as I am...have had a rough week dealing with him and little sleep so yes I am aware I might come off as a bit scatter brained here. I am really just at my wits end. Simply a sister who is watching her baby brother die day by day while simultaneously
destroy the family.
I have only recently been in contact with my brother again. I wont bore anyone with the details but 6 yrs ago I had enough of the family tip toeing around the issue living in denial and said what I felt needed to be said about my brother and his addiction with alcohol and drugs. Unfortunately all it did was band them all against me.
Anyways today I find myself back in contact and nothing has changed except he is much worse. The good thing is my mother is finally done enabling him and ready to address the reality if he doesn't change he won't be alive much longer.
I love my family but I don't love their actions. I sometimes feel my mom says she is ready to seriously stop enabling yet she will call me at 3 AM to tell me to pick him up at whatever location he is at. Before you say that only turns me into enabling her I am aware of this but when faced with the thought of my 79yr old mom two towns away going out in the middle of the night to corral up a drunk man the size of a house I just don't have the heart and maybe that is my flaw. I did tell my mom I refuse to ever take him in public ever again after a recent shopping trip I found out he had been stealing while I was with him. Then last night realized he had not only stole from the store but from me also
I feel like I was robbed of a mother, a mother who only had time and energy to deal with my brother. This has been going on nearly 15 years now and I had planned on going to see my brother this morning and confronting him about his stealing. He is no where to be found at the moment and I thought maybe I would use this time to seek some advice.
I am hurt, heartbroken like so many of you I suppose. Like I said I am new to this forum and would appreciate any advice you can offer on confronting him about his stealing and using. I want to do it today but am wondering if its too late because by noon he is usually so out of it nothing registers in his brain. Im sorry if I sound scattered as I am...have had a rough week dealing with him and little sleep so yes I am aware I might come off as a bit scatter brained here. I am really just at my wits end. Simply a sister who is watching her baby brother die day by day while simultaneously
destroy the family.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so so sorry. I can totally understand not wanting to see your mother going to get him, but until she sees that she is enabling him it is not going to change.
He has to want recovery for himself, and normaly that takes consequences to want it. Serious ones like your family not enabling him anymore.
My heart really goes out to you. Is it possible your mother would go to an addiction counselor with you? It would likely help you both. Also NarAnon or Alanon and/or Celebrate Recovery would give you a face to face support system.
When you do let him know you know about the stealing, do so with calm detatchment. It's a fact I know you did X so you can no longer be in my home and I am no longer willing to help you, etc. That is sitting a boundary for yourself and telling him the boundary. I caution you, say what you mean, and mean what you say. Addicts are like naughty children and will play you like a fiddle. No need to be angry, just matter of fact and very calm. Only say it once. Write it in a letter if you have to.
You don't at all sound scattered. You sound distressed which is totally normal given the circumstances. I am so sorry you are going through this and sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you found us.
Keep posting, you are not alone.
He has to want recovery for himself, and normaly that takes consequences to want it. Serious ones like your family not enabling him anymore.
My heart really goes out to you. Is it possible your mother would go to an addiction counselor with you? It would likely help you both. Also NarAnon or Alanon and/or Celebrate Recovery would give you a face to face support system.
When you do let him know you know about the stealing, do so with calm detatchment. It's a fact I know you did X so you can no longer be in my home and I am no longer willing to help you, etc. That is sitting a boundary for yourself and telling him the boundary. I caution you, say what you mean, and mean what you say. Addicts are like naughty children and will play you like a fiddle. No need to be angry, just matter of fact and very calm. Only say it once. Write it in a letter if you have to.
You don't at all sound scattered. You sound distressed which is totally normal given the circumstances. I am so sorry you are going through this and sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you found us.
Keep posting, you are not alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Artgrl I feel bad for you, but this isn't really your problem. I know easier said than done, but these are the choices your brother had made for himself and your mother has made for herself. It sounds like there's a whole lot of enabling going on by everyone to bail each other out. Consequences must be had before anyone realizes they may need help and want to get help themselves (brother arrested for DUI or stealing and no one bails him out or goes to his rescue? mother not able to handle the big drunk in the middle of the night and doens't know what to do once there?) Hope you get my drift ;-)
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Venice, California
Posts: 6
Refiner, thank you for your reply.
I do, and I am afraid you're not telling me anything I already don't know. I suppose I just dread the outcome. I had no contact with my family for 6 years due to this. I refused to participate in the enabling and when suggested to my mom she was a big part of the problem and needed al-anon I was basically banished. I was no longer invited for holidays, no more calls I simply didn't exist anymore. I guess that is just my own problem I have to accept that the price I have to pay but it is the guilt that keeps me. The what if's I know it sounds stupid but I worry about my mother now she is getting older and yet I know that by helping her it helps enable him. I hate to say it but it was almost easier not having a family those 6 years as much as it hurt.
Part of me feels like for me to say to him "I love you I am willing to help you if you are ready for help but if you continue killing yourself I am done I can't watch what you are doing to yourself and our mother anymore" I will at least not feel guilty when I walk away. Maybe its silly but I feel like I have to at least offer one last time to walk away and not feel the guilt. It will be hard to know chances are I will lose having a mother again but at this rate having a mother basically consists of her venting all his problems and asking me to participate in his daily drama. So I suppose I am not losing much but the little girl in me still yearns for a mother who calls simply to say how are you.
I do, and I am afraid you're not telling me anything I already don't know. I suppose I just dread the outcome. I had no contact with my family for 6 years due to this. I refused to participate in the enabling and when suggested to my mom she was a big part of the problem and needed al-anon I was basically banished. I was no longer invited for holidays, no more calls I simply didn't exist anymore. I guess that is just my own problem I have to accept that the price I have to pay but it is the guilt that keeps me. The what if's I know it sounds stupid but I worry about my mother now she is getting older and yet I know that by helping her it helps enable him. I hate to say it but it was almost easier not having a family those 6 years as much as it hurt.
Part of me feels like for me to say to him "I love you I am willing to help you if you are ready for help but if you continue killing yourself I am done I can't watch what you are doing to yourself and our mother anymore" I will at least not feel guilty when I walk away. Maybe its silly but I feel like I have to at least offer one last time to walk away and not feel the guilt. It will be hard to know chances are I will lose having a mother again but at this rate having a mother basically consists of her venting all his problems and asking me to participate in his daily drama. So I suppose I am not losing much but the little girl in me still yearns for a mother who calls simply to say how are you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Venice, California
Posts: 6
@Hopeful4
Thank you, I have no problem sticking with what I plan on telling him and by no means will I go back on it. I really think my part being played here is because of my fear of losing my mother again.
I just got a text he is home now so wish me luck I am heading over there now to say what I need to say and face the possibility of losing my mother again. I am just heartbroken on so many levels but know I can't do all of this again. I spent too many years trying to prevent a trainwreck I wasted so much time missed so many events all due to being an enabler and refuse to do it anymore. Although I felt like n outcast those 6 years they all stopped talking to me it gave me perspective and a chance to step away and see how crazy it all was. I can't go back to the roller coaster even if it means losing the "family"
Thank you, I have no problem sticking with what I plan on telling him and by no means will I go back on it. I really think my part being played here is because of my fear of losing my mother again.
I just got a text he is home now so wish me luck I am heading over there now to say what I need to say and face the possibility of losing my mother again. I am just heartbroken on so many levels but know I can't do all of this again. I spent too many years trying to prevent a trainwreck I wasted so much time missed so many events all due to being an enabler and refuse to do it anymore. Although I felt like n outcast those 6 years they all stopped talking to me it gave me perspective and a chance to step away and see how crazy it all was. I can't go back to the roller coaster even if it means losing the "family"
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry and I do wish you lots of luck and send you with my prayers. It is a sad thing as your mother missed so much in your life because of this. How awful.
Praying for you, keep posting, we will walk this with you!
Praying for you, keep posting, we will walk this with you!
Originally Posted by artgrl 
@Hopeful4
Thank you, I have no problem sticking with what I plan on telling him and by no means will I go back on it. I really think my part being played here is because of my fear of losing my mother again.
I just got a text he is home now so wish me luck I am heading over there now to say what I need to say and face the possibility of losing my mother again. I am just heartbroken on so many levels but know I can't do all of this again. I spent too many years trying to prevent a trainwreck I wasted so much time missed so many events all due to being an enabler and refuse to do it anymore. Although I felt like n outcast those 6 years they all stopped talking to me it gave me perspective and a chance to step away and see how crazy it all was. I can't go back to the roller coaster even if it means losing the "family"
Thank you, I have no problem sticking with what I plan on telling him and by no means will I go back on it. I really think my part being played here is because of my fear of losing my mother again.
I just got a text he is home now so wish me luck I am heading over there now to say what I need to say and face the possibility of losing my mother again. I am just heartbroken on so many levels but know I can't do all of this again. I spent too many years trying to prevent a trainwreck I wasted so much time missed so many events all due to being an enabler and refuse to do it anymore. Although I felt like n outcast those 6 years they all stopped talking to me it gave me perspective and a chance to step away and see how crazy it all was. I can't go back to the roller coaster even if it means losing the "family"
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I know where you are coming from. I finally stopped chasing the love I was missing from my mother as well and my other family relationships have suffered for it. Ultimately, however, it was an important step in my journey to put myself first, and to love myself in a way that my mother was simply not capable of. Our situations are not exactly the same, but I do understand how hard it is to let go and sacrifice other relationships in order to take care of yourself.
The good news is that I am slowly rebuilding the relationships that were broken because I stopped being enmeshed with my mother. It is never too late, but it's a two-way street. You've carried the burden of honesty for everyone for a long time. You deserve a break.
The good news is that I am slowly rebuilding the relationships that were broken because I stopped being enmeshed with my mother. It is never too late, but it's a two-way street. You've carried the burden of honesty for everyone for a long time. You deserve a break.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Posts: 6
Thank you everyone, It has helped more than you know to even have such quick understanding responses. I never reached out to any group before now and am a bit taken back at how silly I have been for not doing it prior to now.
i just left my brothers. I said what I needed to say. I told him I love him and I am here for when he is ready to get help, but I can't participate any longer. I can't watch him kill himself its too heart breaking. I told him that everytime the phone rings in the middle of the night my heart stops because one of these days I know its not going to be my mom saying he is in jail or stranded drunk somewhere but that he is dead and I can't do it anymore.
He went through all the different things I expected him to do, denial, blame and finally anger.He had an excuse for stealing from me he has an excuse for everything. It is never his fault nor the addiction. Booze and drugs are the only things helping him in his mind. At one point even challenged me to go to the bar and see who handles drinking better. I didn't engage in any of it. I left when he started to get loud and threw a bottle. I am afraid of him and know better than to stick around when he starts. Upon leaving I did say once again I love you and am here when you are ready for help because I want my brother back.
I called to let my mom know I went and what was said and that I understand if she is upset but i no longer will pick him up or go looking for him when he calls and has no idea where he is at but needs help. I said it hurts me too much and that if she wanted to go to a meeting for family support I will go with her as I plan on going on my own.
I am afraid my brother is gone and my fear is he is never coming back.. I appreciate all of your feedback it has really helped. I just hope I am strong enough get through this without feeling like the bad daughter/sister who walked away.
i just left my brothers. I said what I needed to say. I told him I love him and I am here for when he is ready to get help, but I can't participate any longer. I can't watch him kill himself its too heart breaking. I told him that everytime the phone rings in the middle of the night my heart stops because one of these days I know its not going to be my mom saying he is in jail or stranded drunk somewhere but that he is dead and I can't do it anymore.
He went through all the different things I expected him to do, denial, blame and finally anger.He had an excuse for stealing from me he has an excuse for everything. It is never his fault nor the addiction. Booze and drugs are the only things helping him in his mind. At one point even challenged me to go to the bar and see who handles drinking better. I didn't engage in any of it. I left when he started to get loud and threw a bottle. I am afraid of him and know better than to stick around when he starts. Upon leaving I did say once again I love you and am here when you are ready for help because I want my brother back.
I called to let my mom know I went and what was said and that I understand if she is upset but i no longer will pick him up or go looking for him when he calls and has no idea where he is at but needs help. I said it hurts me too much and that if she wanted to go to a meeting for family support I will go with her as I plan on going on my own.
I am afraid my brother is gone and my fear is he is never coming back.. I appreciate all of your feedback it has really helped. I just hope I am strong enough get through this without feeling like the bad daughter/sister who walked away.
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
Artgrl, you are brave and my hero to speak your truth and your boundary in a loving way to both your brother and your mom.
I just had to say what I needed to, more so for me I suppose before walking away. I love them both but can't do it anymore. It affects me too much, I felt myself getting sucked into the pattern again and losing sleep which makes my performance at work poor. I can't allow my life to go back into a shambles because Im trying to "save" him. It doesn't help him, or anyone.
i really am sad right now but also relieved to have said what I needed to say to both of them. i guess i needed time to mentally prepare myself for the outcome. Sadly I'm afraid I am the outcast again but it is ok. Maybe if my mom has to do it all on her own she will stop enabling him and he will have to face the issue. i just hope it does not end with his death.
8 years ago my dad cut all ties with my brother and he told me to prepare myself for losing my brother to life in prison or death. I resented him for giving up and now sadly i feel the same. i feel like today was my final good bye. i hope I am wrong but I feel like my brothers days here are numbered and I am helpless to do anything to save him from himself.
Sorry for ranting there just venting I suppose.
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