Thank You. I'm 2 weeks free today.

Old 03-02-2014, 06:50 PM
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Thank You. I'm 2 weeks free today.

I just want to say thank you to everyone on this forum. You've all helped me at a time when I felt there was no hope. Leaving him was the hardest thing I've done in a long time, but I'm 2 weeks out from that fateful night and I can feel the calmness coming back into my life. Slowly, but surely. I tried to leave so many times, but until I found this forum and found the support that I desperately needed, as well as the information needed to understand the dynamics of this disease, I was just lost. I felt so guilty about leaving him. I carried such a tremendous feeling of responsibility for helping him when in reality, I was enabling him. The relationship took more of a toll on me than I could have ever realized while I was in the thick of it. I see it now and while it still hurts, it's definitely getting better. I feel the clouds lifting. I cooked myself a great dinner tonight for the first time in almost a month and I actually enjoyed doing it. My appetite up until this point was zero. We're going to have a snow storm and I'm ok being here alone, enjoying the peace that I haven't had in a very long time.

I still have quite a few 'moment's of missing him terribly, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I can breathe again, just a little easier. It's definitely a process. I was so wrapped up in 'helping' him that I never saw how I was destroying myself in the process. I truly thought I was strong enough for both of us. HA! Funny how strong denial is.

My therapist has been a tremendous help and I'm thankful I realized I needed that extra help. I have this overwhelming need to help those that don't want to help themselves and we're working on figuring that out. I know where a lot of it comes from, and I'm aware that it's there, but I need to extricate that part of my thinking. I didn't help him. I couldn't help him. I'm not even sure that he can help him at this point. I pray for him and I do still love him, but I was quickly going down with him. I had to go.

I haven't heard a word from him since the break-up, which hurts pretty deeply, but it does make it easier to move on from 'us'. I'm not strong enough, quite yet, to see his tears or hear the pain in his voice like the last break ups, so I just go out of my way to avoid everything and anything that has to do with him. This is the longest I've gone being away from him without speaking at all and now I understand why no-contact is hard, but so necessary.

Again, thank you everyone. Your support, kind words and sometimes tough love has helped more than you'll ever know. I truly hope that I'm in the position to give back and help someone come through this one day like you've all done for me.

Couldn't have done it without all of you.
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Old 03-02-2014, 07:48 PM
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You're awesome. I admire you. Be proud of what you did for yourself. Hugs
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Old 03-02-2014, 09:25 PM
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Thanks xmrscran - I didn't think I'd make it a few times, but, here I am. It still hurts, a lot sometimes, but like many here have said, the pain of staying became worse than the pain of leaving. It felt like tearing a part of my body off to walk away from him, but each day away makes me realize something new and I know that running away from him was the only choice I had left or else I was going to go down with the ship. It was like self-preservation kicked in. Such a sad thing to say about a relationship.

I truly hope this may help to wake him up, but I doubt it and that makes me sad. I know staying and cleaning up his messes and constantly forgiving him for the unforgivable was definitely not helping, but instead making it worse. It's brutally hard to see someone so young and intelligent destroy his life, but destroy it he is. At breakneck speed. I'm not overly religious, but I've let him go and I just continue to pray that God will help him wake up before it's too late. I couldn't save him. I gave it a hell of a good shot, but he wouldn't even face the problem in the slightest. All of his tears and promises were that he'd be the man I deserved, that he'd stop lying, that he'd spend more time with me and other things I wanted to hear that meant nothing - never once did he mention getting help for his severe alcoholism.

That darn denial thing again. :-/
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Old 03-02-2014, 09:38 PM
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FlippedRHalo, 2 weeks is FANTASTIC, congratulations. Rootin for ya.
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Old 03-02-2014, 09:47 PM
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Thank You

Thanks! One day at a time, I'm getting there.
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Old 03-02-2014, 11:26 PM
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Well done you!!!
Keep up the good work on you and if possible stay no contact and you are onto a winner!
You were climbing up hill before but are now at the summit and can run all the way to the bottom squealing with joy!! It gets so so much better and easier!!
Well done and huge hugs! X
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Old 03-03-2014, 04:47 AM
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I am at five weeks and can so relate to everything you wrote. I didn't even realize just how bad it was until I was away from it. The support and information here have been wonderful. Hang in there it seems every day gets a little tiny bit better.
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Old 03-03-2014, 05:30 AM
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I am heading in to my third week and I can relate to everything you said. I can feel myself getting lighter and happier as each day passes. I finally broke down yesterday and deleted all of his contact info from my phone and FB. I'm very proud of you for staying strong because I know how difficult some moments can be
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Old 03-03-2014, 06:06 AM
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Hi, flipped. It's been two weeks for me, too. Our break was planned almost two months before though, so I feel like I had the bulk of the grieving done before he actually left. I do still have my moments. Usually it's a memory that surfaces but sometimes it's just the thought of leading lives separate from one another. Like your X, mine has not reached out except regarding the kids or the divorce and that is done almost entirely via email or text. We have not seen each other in just over two weeks, and have only spoken via telephone twice during that time. It's a catch-22. On one hand, it makes you feel like you really didn't mean that much to them... but on the other hand (and more importantly), it makes it so much easier to move on! I do feel like I can breathe for the first time in a very long time. Our home is more peaceful, my teens are happier, and overall I am content. As long as I stay focused on the here and now, my children, myself & my recovery, I feel good. Every day, I feel a little stronger.

Just keep the focus on you and you'll be ok. Staying present in the moment really helps me (looking back mires me down and looking too far forward makes me panic.) It definitely is a process.

You sound so much stronger and healthier today, flipped. Great work! May each day get a little easier and a little brighter
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Old 03-03-2014, 09:16 AM
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JustaGirl - exactly! It does make me wonder if I ever really mattered and for the first week or so, it was KILLING me that he wasn't even trying to contact me. Now I realize that it's for the best, for whatever the reason.

When we'd fight previously, I used to tell him how badly it hurt me when he would shut down and not contact me. Eventually either he would or I would (almost always me), but he knows that it is one of the worst things he can do to me. Communication is crucial with me and little by little, we completely lost all communication - at least any communication that actually meant something. So, I'm still not so sure that he's respecting my wishes of not contacting me more than he's using the only thing he has left to put that last nail in my coffin, but I try not to think about it because I guess it really doesn't matter anymore. It's still hard, but it's getting a lot better.

I know he loved me as much as he was capable of loving me and I'm sure yours did too. Sadly, their definition of 'love' and ours seems to be very different. Their definition seems extremely distorted. One day I'd feel like I was everything in the world to him, and, the next I'd feel like he looked at me as public enemy #1. It was all so hurtful and confusing. But, the silver lining is that we don't have to deal with that constant state of confusion they liked to keep us in anymore.

Hang in there - you're doing great too! We're getting there. It's a bumpy road for sure, but it's all about the progress! Baby steps.
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