lala27

Children of alcoholics are so much more likely to become alcoholics themselves, how do you prevent this? I am teaching dd coping methods & trying to keep the chaos under control. Do you (or the non alcoholic parent) drink around your kids & teach them healthy drinking, do you avoid it at all costs? I know sometimes there is nothing you can to do stop it, but there has to be ways to lower the chances, any advice?

Hammer

all jmho.

Having seen lots of monkeys at the zoo . . .

Slicing this up a bit . . .

True. "Likely" being in mass numbers, ONLY.

Has little to nothing to do with any particular individual.

You cannot. You MAY be able to prevent any exposure, but the basic underlying genetic and hardware problems may still be there and ready to grab onto any addiction that may come along.

Those are good things.

Sorry but I am not clear. Are you, or other family an "A" or what is the connection you are trying to break or overcome?

Do you follow that for a true A, there IS NO HEALTHY drinking?

Just is not. That is why the moderation models tend to fail.

As far as us . . . I am NOT an A, Mrs. Hammer is. Any given year for me maybe 10 to 20 beers a year -- one per out for a biz dinner, or maybe a couple at July 4th, etc. Sometimes with some friends have some stuff like Chimay or Scotch we (me) may drink for a movie with popcorn.

But a SINGLE drink for Mrs. Hammer and she is over the side. She even relapsed a few years back on Cooking Vanilla. Zero is all an Alcoholic can "Handle."

As far as our kids. One of ours has some early markers. Some "emotional dysregulation," and he is now 9. Really good kid, top of the class and Cub Scout -- but loses it at times. Same as Mrs. Hammer did at that age. Just an early marker. Likely for him, Zero will be a good number.

Sure, but maybe background us a little more?

Spinner-007

I'm formulating this very same issue as I will have this discussion very soon with soon to be preteens.

So far, this is what I've got:

1. The child may have the addictive gene from the parent.
2. That being the case, the child is predispositioned and prone to have addiction issues in their life.
3. The benefits of consuming just one beer, cigarette, joint, whatever do not outweigh the risks of a lifelong struggle in dealing with being addicted to it later.
4. Even ONE drink is unacceptable. The wrapper comes off the box and you cannot rewrap it. Being that we're very good at possessing the 'that could NEVER happen to me' in our immortal state of mind, it will grab us. Don't even allow the genie to get out of THAT bottle.
5. Even though friendships will be tested and lost over this, you(the child) have had more than your share the wreckage of what booze can do in a young life.
6. I love you more than you could ever know. As a parent, I've done my best to help you understand what this garbage does to people and families. Should you decide to take that chance and risk everything for that drink, just know that I cannot go down that road with you. I'll never stop loving you, but you will start a fight against a foe whose handywork you've already seen and know quite intimately. You are not able to beat that foe and it will change you, and with that, it will definately change things between us.

Is it really worth it?

I will pray over my children and let God's will be done.

lala27

Here is the background... DD's father is an alcoholic & has many addictions on his side of the family. She also has the gene passed on through my side of the family, my grandmother was a recovered alcoholic. He still lives here so long as he respects my boundaries. Currently his drinking is minimal, and mostly out of the house. This situation won't go on forever... I know I am only buying time before things hit the crapper. Of course I have hope he'll quit, but I'm not holding my breath. And yes I am aware that one is too many and a million is never enough for an alcoholic. For me, I am perfectly happy having 1-2 glasses of wine a few times a week, but currently refrain from that. DD is 6 years old & unfortunately has been exposed to too much & is aware that drinking is a problem. As far as markers, she is still kinda young to tell as these things often show themselves later in life. Her personality really takes after her fathers though. Her humor, her love of music, her sensitivity... The sensitivity & need to have others around her be happy & like her is what worries me. Her father has depression & panic disorder, but DD isn't being raised with the abuse he was & is exposed to some normal coping patterns though myself. Hmm, anything else?


Spinner- sounds like a good speech, I guess looking at that I shouldn't drink ever, or at least in front of her.

caboblanco

i think exposing your kids to alcohol at an early age and teaching through what you do how to relate to alcohol is best. i would even recommend letting them drink with you at dinner at a younger age in moderation..I know this is not a popular view..but it yields the best results culturally...shelter them from booze and the first thing they will learn is heavy binge drinking in college or elsewhere

you child isn't born an alcoholic..that takes training and dedication

CodeJob

Well my H and I have talked about this. We both grew up getting Dixie cups of beer, wine, whatever. He told me he loved it from the beginning and would seek more. I did not really care for it. With this DNA mix, we haven't really offered any Dixie cups thus far...

My other dark Irish knew he responded differently to alcohol too. He cried about this with me and hopefully he managed to keep it in check... Now I reflect back to that first relationship and wonder, "How many other guys did I date were future As?"

CodeJob is a straight A Codie!

KateL

My daughter drinks too much and I feel responsible

Stung

My kids are babies still so there isn't much I can do to be proactive at this point, but my mom (an adult child of an alcoholic) was VERY straight forward with me about alcoholism running in our family since I was about 8 years old or so (oddly enough, my husband is an alcoholic and he was raised by alcoholics and his family is still in major denial.) She drank in front of me and my brother sometimes even got drunk occasionally during special events - what I still think is normal parental/adult consumption - but she was also very open and honest about making sure that I KNEW that alcoholism was hereditary and in my family tree. By the time that alcohol was available to me (teens, but my mom didn't ever allow me to drink with her until I had graduated from high school) my mom was telling me that she knew that alcohol would be available to me and that she didn't want me to drink but if I did, I could call her from anywhere at ANY time and she would come and get me and there would be absolutely no consequences. She just wanted me to be safe even if I made the decision to drink.

I've always had this in the back of my mind during my college days (when I consumed higher quantities of alcohol most frequently in my life) and made sure that if I got drunk, then I needed to space any other heavy drinking further out.

I also think that a big part of the inherent appeal of alcohol to alcoholics is the lack of coping skills. I am trying now to better myself so I can raise my children to be as emotionally healthy as possible. I think that is the best tool in preventing alcoholism.

I plan to drink alcohol like a normie would, around my kids but certainly not providing any to them but not hiding it from them either. My goal is that once they have the opportunity to be on their own that they can make responsible decisions and never have compulsions to use alcohol as a means to make themselves feel better.

lillamy

I've been extremely straightforward with the kids about what alcoholism is (what we know, what we don't), and that if you inherit an addictive personality -- and mine have it from two sides; alcohol and drugs just aren't my DOCs; I've been struggling with disordered eating and exercise -- you just need to be very much aware of your actions and choices at all times.

I've compared it to allergies -- that if you know you have a tendency to be allergic to dogs and cats, don't get a furry pet. Addiction is sort of the same way. You have to know what to avoid, how to make healthy choices, and how to look for red flags in your own behavior.

I've told them that ideally, they should stay away from alcohol altogether, since they don't know how they will react to it. My oldest one got drunk once and hated how it made him feel; never tried it again and has turned into a purist in general (vegan, taking long fast walks instead of running, drinking only water -- no juice, milk, or coffee). I don't expect that to last, but he's at least very aware. The younger ones are still of the opinion that people who drink and do drugs are idiots, but I've got an ear to the ground there because I know how quickly that can change with the wrong company.

I think all you can do is educate, educate, educate, and then hope and pray they make the right choices.

allysen

I used to worry about the exact same thing. However, it cannot be prevented. All I can do is be the best mom I can be, and hope for the best. There are a lots of catastrophes that may befall one of my children in the future - trying to prevent them all will only drive me (and them!) insane. I think it's better for me to focus on just having a wonderful today with them.

lala27

Thanks everyone, I see how much it can vary & there are no right answers. I was raised having wine at the dinner table & everyone was open about my grandmothers past. She also had a brother who died of cirrhosis in his 40's. I feel like if I wasn't taught proper coping skills I certainly could've ended up with a drinking problem. I went through a period of my life when I was going downhill & I still do have to make a conscious effort not to binge. My work ethic & motivation to accomplish things is what made me want to not go down that path.

KateL- What happened that makes you feel responsible?

FireSprite

Ditto pretty much everything above. We talk about it all very openly, including RAH at times, to the extent that he is comfortable. I also try to drill down the reminder that for all her knowledge of the topic, when the time comes it all comes down to how she makes the decision. To remind herself of what she knows when the emotions that she can't predict come into play.

I do drink normally around DD. Sometimes that means just having a drink in the evening because I feel like it, sometimes it means having drinks with my girlfriends when we do our Girls Night In get-togethers at my house, sometimes it means going out & having drinks at a bar when RAH & I are out for an evening.

My RAF shared a LOT about his drinking & drugging days after he got sober. He shared about the things he did & the emotions/feelings of his active vs. sober days. I guess it was one of those things where he figured I'd shared my burden of the responsibilities & damage & deserved some real answers. He did NOT do the same with my sister (3 yrs younger). They always treated her as a lot more sensitive & in need of sheltering for reasons neither of us truly grasp & it was a totally different experience for her because of it. It also created an enormous amount of conflict between us which I didn't fully grasp until I started my own recovery. She resented the hell out of me and felt in competition with me simultaneously - it took us years to be able to build an actual, true friendship not rooted in obligation.

caboblanco

the reason i say that it is a better plan to drink responsibly around your children and even let them drink moderately at a young age in your house is because in cultures where the majority of parents do this they have a much lower rate of alcohol abuse and addiction as opposed to households that don't allow drinking or underage supervised drinking. I don't think under any circumstances telling your children they can never have a drop in their entire life is a good idea. That's will quite often have the opposite effect That's just my opinion but it is backed up with statistics.

Stung

Just FYI, serving alcohol to minors, even your own children, is illegal in my state. People who do want to give children alcohol would also have to teach their children to tell no other adults about it, depending on their state, whether it was cultural reasons or not if they want to avoid legal trouble.

Pedro1234

My oldest two are both at the age where they now drink and party. I also feel responsible when i see them drink excessively as i drank in front of them whilst they were growing up on a daily basis

caboblanco

its illegal in the whole country...so never let your kid have a drop..and expect him/her to continue to not drink when they leave the home at 18...yeah don't break the law...i'm just saying what works in other countries and even in this country with all those law breakers..i was taught in health class in highschool that it is ok to drink a small amount of alcohol with your parents..and that it's better to teach your kids how to drink....mixed messages with federal law ...yes..but a lot of minors drink small amounts with their parents and it's not a travesty

Stung

Well, no, it's actually legal in many states to serve your own children alcohol in your own home. It is illegal in California however.

allforcnm

Hi LaLa,

This is something I worry about also with my son, he is only 2 right now but they grow up so fast. I have found this site to have a lot of helpful information for parents dealing with children of all ages. Support and Resources for Parents Dealing with Teen Drug and Alcohol Abuse | The Partnership at Drugfree.org I actually feel a lot better about the risks for my son now that I have done some research.

boomtruck

I try to be as open and honest as I can. I have always had a policy that the kids are better off to learn about this from me than anyone else. Even as hard as the truth can be sometimes, their your kids and deserve the truth from their parent. I also stress that their parents were taught to solve emotional issues with alcohol. I explain to them that there are many other avenues to use to help solve issues and that drugs/alcohol should not be one of them: counseling, al-anon, SR, etc. All we can do is educate and pray a lot.

Spinner-007

Caboblanco,
I can't agree with your position about drinking around them in moderation. With an alcoholic in the family, there is never moderation.

As for being the cultural norm:
soon marijuana will be just as legal as cigarettes. Do we allow our loved ones to smoke and toke with moderation as well, just because it is legal?

What is the benefit to consuming these drugs? Do the benefits, if any, clearly outweigh the risks to their health and well being to themselves and their families?

I can't name one. I've stopped drinking over 5 years ago because Of my AW, and to show the kids that a little isn't ok when it led to the addiction of my spouse, their mommy.

As you have no doubt read from others here in this site, this is a 'take no prisoners' fight against a ferocious and tenacious foe, and allowing it just in inch closer to my kids is dangerous, deadly and unacceptable.

Where I will agree with you is to be open and honest with them. It's the reality of this world and what they'll face when they get older.

I only pray that what I've given them is enough to make the best decision when it becomes the time to having to make that choice.