Sydney1988

I feel this is a strange thing to happen to me. I know what I'm doing probably isn't the best idea, yet time and time again I still reach for a drink. Why is it that I still do things that I know are bad for me? Shouldn't I know by now that what I'm doing is bad for me and I shouldn't be doing it?

Whenever I see friends in relationships that aren't working I always think "Why don't they leave them?" or "Why are they going back to them?". It's strange that I'm now looking at my relationship with alcohol in the same light. And what's my answer? Because when it's good, it's good. I forget about the bad. So if I can see it like this, and I can see how similar the situations are, why aren't I walking away from alcohol? I did it for 10 days, why can't I do it for longer?

I think the reason I can't let go is that I'm holding on to the happy memories I've had in this relationship, and these are glazing over the bad. It's mainly good when we're together, but when we're apart and I have time to think properly I know it's an unhealthy relationship.

So my next point is how do I make it stick? How do I end a detrimental relationship and not put myself back in the same situation? How do I mourn the loss of a friend that is hurting me, but I'm still in love with?

I want to get better. I have to get better. So why am I holding myself back?

Sazzle

This was the reason I drank again after a good stint in sobriety - I was romanticising the good times. If I'm rigorously honest, there were very few 'good times'. If I had one or two drinks on a night out or with a meal I used to feel short changed and resentful. If I drank way too much I used to end up with low self esteem after doing/saying something I would never normally do sober.

I was brought back into reality the other day when I completely forgot about a concert I went to ON MY BIRTHDAY only a few years ago. I realised then, that I have been living in an alcoholic fug.

I think I'll am best off considering alcohol as an ex-partner that is now married to someone else with kids. Unavailable to go back to!!

Hang in there.

S x

LonelyShadow

Firstly, what an amazingly articulate post!

Secondly, you've recognised you want to stop so you've already started to get better, the best advice I can give, and this is just my personal experience, is that you have to WANT sobriety more than anything. A lot of people (including me) don't maintain sobriety because they don't want it badly enough, they just kind of want it or feel like it would be nice to be sober foreve, but you have to want it so bad that you're willing to sacrifice a lot.

I like your analogy about it being like a bad relationship, ever heard the phrase "If you love them, let them go"? Let it go, it's not a true friend, it's deceitful and if you're at a stage you want to quit but can't then it's time to say goodbye to it once and for all.

FreeOwl

it's because you're an alcoholic.

it's because you cannot 'have it both ways'.

It's because you cannot be in an abusive, co-dependent, soul-destroying relationship "just for the good parts".

It's because sobriety takes active work.....

Welcome, and may you have the strength to walk the sober path, and discover what joy life is without this awful relationship.

forabetterlife

Sydney, I could have written your post, in terms of both my relationship with an ex as well as my relationship with alcohol. It's amazing how similar those confusing conflicting feelings can be, which is a reminder that addiction can be to a person as well as to alcohol or other obsession.
I don't have an answer for you as I am struggling with the same issues, back and forth between sobriety and drinking even though know nothing good comes from drinking and everything good comes from sobriety.
For now, keep posting, keep fighting it and don't give up. It will stick.

360shoes

I can't speak for you Sydney but I know why I did it. I tried to quit every morning I woke up with a hangover and hated myself for drinking the day or night before. So in other words, I've tried many many times. And I said the very same thing to myself. Why??

Then it dawned on me. Because I don't know how. I didn't know how to value myself. I didn't know how to comfort myself. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings or life circumstances thrown at me when I attempted to do it. I needed to learn and practice the how. Why would I know? For 15 years all I did was run to the bottle to do those things for me. That's was not fun realizing that. And it wasn't easy learning how to do it either.

But I did. And I did it with help and by taking some action. I couldn't think the problem away. I had to change.

I had to learn how to value myself in spite of feeling like crap. I had to learn that every time I said f it what I was really saying was f me. People who know their worth don't say f me. I had to change or nothing would change.

I think that's why there are lots of ways to get where we all needed to be. Living a life of truth. How we learn and practice is individual. Doing it is mandatory. That road is filled with fear and uncomfortable feelings. Quiting drinking started with me quitting. Then it took a lot of work on me to learn how to live in a way that worked. And I knew it was working whenever it got me another day farther away from the alcohol.

I wasn't always happy. I wasn't always sure. But from day 1 I knew that waking up not hating myself was sure a good start.

You can do it! You are worth all the hard work. There will be a day you will know how to take care of yourself naturally because you have the experience in doing it.

If you were anything like me the only way I was going to have the opportunity to change was to stop drinking. It was the only way I was going to be able to even start that journey.

Hang in there.

Nonsensical

Continued drinking despite persistent negative consequences is a hallmark of addiction.

Believing that I would eventually be able to teach my addiction to know right from wrong kept me drinking for decades after I knew I had a bad relationship with alcohol.

It can't be reasoned with. It can't be educated. It can't be threatened, or shamed, or negotiated with. Addictions can only be starved.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

cardoon

How about trying for say, 15 days next time and build on your 10 day success. For me, that would be a positive way to look at improving my record. Heck, if you're goal oriented go for 30...

least

You keep going back to the bottle because you're an alcoholic. There is no rhyme or reason to addiction. It just is. In order to stop drinking, and stay sober, you've got to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

Coldfusion

Quitting alcohol left a big hole in my life that I needed to fill with something new and positive. I hoped to find an answer in the rooms of AA meetings, and indeed am now working on a program of life recovery.

Goldcoastgirl

Sydney, your post gave me chills because I am going thru exactly the same thing. 35 days then fail, 7 days then fail etc etc. thank you everyone who replied to this post you have all given me a lot to think about today with some very wise words. I can't sit back and just try to stop drinking, I need to actively do something about it. Who am I kidding? Thanks all and Sydney lets try and be real about this together, we are worth the fight x

MeSoSober

This is one of those "lightbulb" quotes that most of us should probably have tattooed to our foreheads. More from the font of wisdom that is our Shoes.

OP, one thing you have to do to end your relationship with alcohol is to think hard about what, specifically (an emotion, an event, a mental or physical condition, a simple ingrained habit) is taking you back to drinking after ten days (if you can do it for ten, you can do it for longer!) and what you can do to avoid those triggers or deal with them in more healthy ways.

And as others here will tell you, simply planning not to drink probably won't be very effective. Very common mistake. You have to actively plan what you WILL do (exercise, read, cook, garden, see a movie, go to a meeting, etc.) instead of only what you WON'T do (drink).

Sorry, I see you already have 65 posts here and you might already know all of this. I hope it's helpful anyway, to you or someone else. We all believe in you!

fuzzykitten

I can completely relate to your post. We need to say goodbye and treat alcohol as an off-limits ex. Great comparison!

Charliee

Great post! I continue to daydream about drinking everyday, it has been a little easier, but I am concerned that I will never stop wanting it, thinking it's unfair or feeling a little sorry for myself. But I have my life back and I will never go through that hell again and drag my family along for the ride. Keep posting and welcome

EndGameNYC

There are times in my life when I still experience pangs of longing around loves gone by. I've learned not to indulge them for very long. When I look at what I've done with my life and where I'm at in this very moment, my brief return to past hurts melts away, like sea foam in my hands.

Same with alcohol. I recall even thinking at one time that I didn't want my longings for alcohol to disappear, as though that would mark the end of my abusive relationship with booze in a concrete way that I wasn't ready to accept. The longer I stayed, the more difficult it was for me to leave. All part of the process.

Sydney1988

Thank you all for your thoughts and input. There's certainly been many valid points in this discussion. It's given me some things to think about. Particularly the point of finding something to focus my energy on, rather than focusing on not drinking.

Also, I may have made 65 posts, but I've certainly not heard it all before. I write posts because something has come to mind and I find the discussion and input from other members of this community helpful and insightful. And even if something may have been said before, sometimes repetition can help make the point stick in the mind.

Again, thanks for all of the responses.

PS. Started again today

FreeOwl

heck yes.... repetition. I had to hear some of these things a million times. And I still need to hear them EVERY DAY to keep on track sometimes.

It's why I log on here daily.

FeelingGreat

Hey Sydney, I'm glad you're still struggling because that means you haven't just given up and gone away. Keep reading, keep trying because if you hate it as much as you do, one day it will all come together.
On a practical note, make yourself a list of actions for when the cravings strike. You will:
meditate for 5 minutes to calm yourself
make a cup of tea
have something to eat
post right away on SR and watch the support roll in
phone up a friend who knows, or even one that doesn't know
re-read your posts to remind yourself
go for a walk

only examples but they've worked for me.

Elisabeth888

I did exactly as you just described: went and bought alcohol whenever I didn't even want or need it. It was like I was forcing myself or on auto pilot.

The key here is mindfulness. When I feel myself going there- thinking, oh, I can go get two airplane bottles and drink it and no one will know.

PROBLEM: I cannot have just two. It wakes up the "monster" in me and I have to drink everyday.

I am training my mind to think of something else when those thoughts creep in. Because they are just that- thoughts. I don't have to act on them.

Then I go tell on myself at a meeting and afterwards I get great advice and phone numbers.

Dee74

I'm glad you're starting again Sydney.

It takes effort to achieve escape velocity from the gravitational pull of alcoholism.
To escape I had to put more effort into getting sober as I did getting drunk...

When I looked at how much effort went into getting drunk - not only the buying and the drinking but the hiding, the blowing off responsibilities, the trying to get drunk but not too drunk...failing that, trying not to feel ill... you can probably add some more....there was a lot of effort involved there.

It gives you a benchmark to go on with your recovery effort

D