iwantalife

I have come back to sober recovery today, as sadly I was looking for my old posts to prove I had a alcoholic in my life. It's been gut retching to read again. He was my husband and sadly he passed away last July. We stopped living together in August 2011 as he promised to go into long term rehab, and I moved into a friends house and he went stay at his parents until a placement in rehab came up. He then said he 'could do it by himself', and I said I would only move back in with him if he could stay sober for 6 months. Apart from not living at the same address we carried on as a married couple. He could not stay sober for longer than a couple of months and my previous posts show the distress I was going through. Since he has passed away his entire family has turned on me and have made made awful claims about me, saying that I was 'cruel' to him when he was drunk, that he lived as a 'single father' from the moment we stopped living at the same address, he 'only saw me occaisionally as a friend', and of course the golden oldie, it was my fault he drunk. The madness you go through living with or without a alcoholic is horrendous, and having this type of persecution ongoing for the last 7 months has been so debilitating for myself and my family. I can't understand how a family who witnessed what you went through, saw what you sacrificed, know what efforts you put in to help him seek recovery, would even contemplate such deception. Luckily I have a fantastic grief councellor who also seems to have a lot of experience with alcoholism and helped me 'see the light'. It's so, so important to talk. Even reading through the forums again today, has helped me. Thankyou.

Catherine628

I'm so sorry for all you have been through. I don't think anyone who hasn't lived up close and personal with alcoholism gets how horrible it is. Sounds like his family doesn't want to accept the reality of the situation. My prayers go out to you.

SurvivingAgain

So sorry to hear of your loss, you can't help who you fall in love and the pain of losing them cuts deep no matter what. However much your husbands family knew about his problem with alcohol they could not possibly know how much it impacted on your life. My AH's family know all about his alcoholism but it wasn't until I refused to pick home up from hospital, refused to talk to him, refused to ring counsellors etc. on his behalf, make appointments at doctors, and refused to have him back in the house that they realised how much work (emotionally and physically) it takes to look after an alcoholic.
He made the decision to drink, nobody can stop an alcoholic from drinking if that's what they want to do.
Only you know truly how much you have done to help, his family are (probably through grief) blaming the person who was closest to him at the time. Nobody can help an alcoholic unless they honestly want help.

CodeJob

Iwantalife,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Hugs from someone who probably has been damned by my RAHs family for speaking the truth and writing each of them with references so they too could get educated about alcoholism. In fact my RAH tells me I betrayed him by speaking truth to his family. He claims it was a problem we should have handled as a couple. Denial is a part of alcoholism that we had to shake off repeatedly. I guess the kindest thing is to realize they are not where you are in recovery. Also with your A dead, they may want to memorialize him into a saint. You are sure inconvenient still living your recovery and truth to their story! Hold your head up and live each day in peace. You surely earned it. Hugs from the States to u!

redatlanta

Sounds to me like you should cut ties with his family.

They are having a lot of grief over his loss I am sure - its unfortunate they have chosen to blame you rather than the culprit. You drove him to drink? Whatever.

You know the truth, its all you need to know. You don't need them to see things the way they really were though it would be good for them. Some space from this kind of negativity would be beneficial for you.

iwanthappiness

I feel your pain and am so sorry for your loss. If it makes you feel any better, I am going through a very similar situation.

This is what I have begun to understand. First, the A (whether active or not) come up with all kinds of reasons why they drink and why they continue to drink. Initially it was his family, then work, then his childhood, then when all other possibilities were worked out through various rehabs and counselors, then guess what? The problem became ME. Even after saving his life not just once, but twice. VERY hurtful.

His family agrees with this new one. They have told him to find someone better. That he deserves happiness. Guess what? So do I. I have learned to just let it go. It brings much more peace to my life. I really believe only spouses of A's as well as the children living with the A fully understand just how difficult this life can be with one. Please do not blame yourself! Love yourself and move on to healthier relationships. I encourage Al anon......to prevent this type of situation from ever entering into your life again.

Lots of hugs your way!

hopeful4

I am so sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you are here because I want to reassure you, YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT, YOU COULD NOT CONTROL IT AND YOU COULD NOT HAVE CURED IT. You are much further along in your recovery. His family is blaming you because they have to blame someone and they don't want to blame him. You did the right things. It is a sad fact that some alcoholics don't have a bottom until death. It is a very sad reality.

I am so sorry and I send you huge hugs.

netta1966

I'm so sorry for your loss and pain you are going thru and i appreciate you sharing. Nobody can understand what it's like to be married to an AH unless they are going thru it themselves. My husband and I have been living separately going on 7 months after i hit my rock bottom. His violent outbursts emotionally took a toll on me so i left. After going to many AA meetings, IOP and DUI, assault charges, jail time, he still has not managed to stay sober more than one week. My boundaries are we do not have a marraige until he truly can stay sober for a period of time. We remain friends but my heart is broken in half. If it wasn't for Al-Anon and posts on this site, i don't know mentally where i would be?? This is the worst pain i can say that I've ever experienced my entire 47 years of my life and only someone who is going thru the same thing, can truly understand. As far as his family, friends, etc.. they don't know unless they've walked in our shoes. I pray for everyone in my situation and I pray for the alcoholic too.

carmen220

I am so sorry to hear that this happened. I was just going through your old post and seeing your history of events. Did he pass due to the alcohol? I have been with my ABF for over a year now. My eyes have been opening as I learn from everyone's stories. I keep hearing that it gets progressively worse. My ABF was only drinking "just beer", which he used to love to say. Now, he's changed to wine. He admits he has a problem, but thinks he can get better on his own and claims to be "working on it". His actions are not following his words. I am concerned for his future health.

iSPAZ

Iwantalife,
So sorry you are going through this experience. I too was blamed by my in laws. I had to realize that I lived with AXW and I was often in denial myself. Had I not spent countless hours in Alanon and open AA meetings I would not have understood the progression of the disease. I choose not to expose myself to them any longer and could care less what they think of me. Truth is you can not make someone be an alcoholic anymore than you can make them quit. If the alcoholic is powerless over alcohol how could you have some power being one person removed. Don't beat yourself down. living with an alcoholic can be more than frustrating and only folks that have been there can completely understand. Bottom line is they are biased and ignorant of the situation.

lillamy

You know... this often happens in divorces whether there is alcohol involved or not, and even when "their" relative is still alive. Families -- especially alcoholic families -- love living in denial, and I'm quite convinced you won't ever be able to get them to see the truth such as it is

Is there any reason you have to be in contact with them? It sounds like all you are getting out of it is more pain.

m1k3

Hurting people say hurtful things.

I'm sorry for your loss but they are his family not yours. You can simply go no contact with them. You will get peace for yourself when you claim it. If you wait for someone to give it to you you will wait forever. I have done the same thing with my AW's family. I realized that they were part of the problem and not the solution and cut them out of my life. My recovery depends on me doing what is right for me.

Your friend,