Switchesnash

Just going to start from the start I think. Probably a familiar tale. I started drinking young, maybe thirteen. Being English and from the north of the country I'd say that was about normal. Even from my first drink I can remember the feeling of intoxication to be very relieving and much more a solitary feeling. Before I was sixteen I was drinking to blackout as were most of my peers. As well as regular binges I dabbled in drugs both hard and soft. Being quite young and immature and drinking so much I tended to alienate myself from various social groups probably due to inappropriate behaviour and before long I was down to only a few hard drinking buddies, not really friends as we had little in common apart from getting blind drunk. During my late teens a drug/drinking friend died horribly from solvent abuse while in the act of trying to kill me. After that night in Feb 2001 my drinking spiralled.
I was living at home and drinking every night, in my bedroom mostly asisits well as frequent jaunts out into the small town I lived which provide my with endless cringeworthy memories to occupy my mind with even to this day.
My behaviour was so erratic and deranged that I ended up being sectioned twice as well as any number of visits to various help groups and drop in centres.
My drinking affected my entire life and I was constantly living in fear of something I said or did. Everytime I went out I did something stupid. Even moving away from familiar surroundings couldn't stop my binges. Every time I pick up a drink I change into a different person. Sometimes I get away with a hangover, sometimes it can be much more destructive. I have lost my driving license and numerous jobs as well as girlfriends and friends. Sometimes I have drunk myself into hospital or suffered such terrible withdrawal that I can't close my eyes because of the horrific things I see behind my eyelids. Even the smallest amount of alcohol can trigger this. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I have bipolar disorder too. My girlfriend and parents refuse to believe I am alcoholic they insist that I have bipolar and therefore cannot drink, its much easier for them that way. I'm sure if they saw me mixing sugar with aftershave or drinking a half bottle of wine I found in the street they might change their minds.
I'm just looking to find some people who share the same problems as me and have there own doubts and confusions. This is something that has taken half my life and I don't want the time I have left to be wasted in the same way.
Sorry for the length of this first post. Hope this is the start of something positive.

zerothehero

You can't start over, but you can start anew. Welcome.

Raider

Ok well, it sounds like its time to put down the drink. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Prayers to you.

Switchesnash

Thanks guys, to be honest I'm not at rock bottom. I haven't drank since December and was doing fine in all aspects of my life then sometime on Thursday the decision to drink was made. I waited until I was alone and began to undo all my good work.
Its not the frequency or the amount I drink, its who I become when I drink. As long as I can remember its been Jekyll & Hyde. People approaching me sober as if I'm insane because they met me drunk one night. Its so hard to distance yourself from the only persona people ever meet. I desperately want to make friends but its so hard when you're scared of any social situation because you know you can't drink or you will disgrace yourself. Its like something invades you and sabotages you.

hayley86

Welcome Switchesnash, you will find lots of support and understanding here. Glad you have joined us.

KateL

Welcome, there is a lot of support here xxxx