On Learning how to break up

Old 02-28-2014, 11:58 PM
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On Learning how to break up

It has sometimes occurred to me recently that I never properly learned how to break up with anyone, and therefore this is contributing to my inability to just LET GO and get on with my life after kicking out my alcoholic ex fiance a couple months ago. I was thinking back to when I was a kid, earlier today. I grew up in a home with just my sister and my mother. My parents divorced when I was a toddler, dad came around a few times a year, and my mother NEVER dated, EVER. She is very cold and unemotional and never had any sort of relationships with anyone, beyond family, that were anything but superficial...even family relationships were pretty superficial and had NO relationships with men, beyond work. I was thinking how kids model their lives after their parents' lives, how we learn to do and be who we are by the experiences we see and share in our home life. And it sort of hit me, I had never seen her experience a relationship, the compromise it takes to make marriage work, the work involved in it, etc. I never saw her argue with other adults, I never saw her end a relationship or go through a break up, even with friends. Its a normal part of growing up, you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, and for whatever reason it goes to pot and you break up. It happens in friendships as well. You learn to accept that sometimes people won't always love you, or you them, and that things end and you then move on. I had plenty of boyfriends who broke up with me or me with them. Plenty of friends that I lost, etc, as is normal in everyone's lives, but I have always had a very hard time with breaking up. Its like many people just quit the relationship and move on and its not a big deal to them but its always been fairly devastating to me when it happens. Don't mistake what I am saying as blaming my mom for my crappy relationship with am alcoholic guy who abused me nor for the fact that I am struggling to get over him. Its just that I wonder if I somehow missed a life lesson somewhere, because I think I have always had a hard time with it, but especially this time round. Its like I just am unable to say that's it, we are done and he is gone, done deal, time to shut the door on the whole mess. Its almost like I do not know HOW to just say ok, well it didn't work out, dust off my hands and turn to the next order of business. Like I never learned that sometimes it doesn't work and when that happens, ok, its not the end of the world, life goes on and its OK to just live and go on and do my own thing. I dunno even how to say it right, so I apologize if I am rambling nonsensically. I just thought of it and figured it would be good to get feedback from anyone who has had enough therapy to understand what I am very badly trying to say? I feel like I should...while yes, be hurt over having to make him leave...I feel I should be able to accept that it has ended, it is what it is, and not feel like my whole world just tilted off its axis forever never to return to normal ever again. I guess I never learned that its ok if I just let go and move on without falling apart, etc.
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Old 03-01-2014, 12:26 AM
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I completely get you on this thought. My sister and I often talk about how my parents never ever fought in front of us growing up. Their marriage was "perfect" and everything we thought marriage should be. Only now do we see that my mom was always trying to present an image, and by doing that, we missed out on seeing that normal relationships have ups and downs.
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Old 03-01-2014, 06:58 AM
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My first thoughts when I read this were that it sounded much like I have felt in the past.

And that the letting go was really more about attachment and abandonment.

In my own therapy sessions my inability to let go was because I needed that love no matter what the circumstances. I formed attachments that weren't based on a healthy dynamic. I had to really look at my underlying emotional needs to figure out why am I holding on to these relationships? Why can't I just walk away? And why do in always feel a desperate need to have someone love me?

I'm still struggling with that but it's taken some time.

Not sure that helps but it was my first thought.
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Old 03-01-2014, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Ofelie View Post
I guess I never learned that its ok if I just let go and move on without falling apart, etc.
I think the nature of the relationship that is ending plays a big part, too. When we become obsessed, overly enmeshed, are rescuing or feel we need to be rescued, then endings can feel catastrophic. We have placed too much power in the other person's hands. They became responsible for our sense of well being, and without them, we fear that we will disappear.

This is especially true in a relationship with an addict; the addict is chasing the high, and the partner is chasing the addict, desperate to connect.

Another thread once addressed how in healthy relationships, each can let go of the other when things just aren't right anymore. And no one engages in gas lighting or blame, or other tactics. They can just agree to part.

These are just thoughts - I have been musing on this a lot lately, too, as I have been unable to go no contact with my X. We aren't together, I haven't seen him in over 7 months, but I can't seem to cut the cord once and for all.

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Old 03-01-2014, 06:11 PM
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I was in a relationship once, and it ended very badly. Like, horribly. Like, he absolutely destroyed my life, for real (I know people say that, but it's true in this case). For FIVE years I hid-no friends, no relationships, nothing, except family. You could also call me cold and unemotional, although that is from my childhood, but I can guarantee this made it worse.

So, of course, I decide to start dating again, and end up with an alcoholic. No better, but for me, I am better able to handle the situation because of it. I am not going to do the same things I did before-I lost five years of my life that I can't get back, because of some loser dude. Now, I know better.

But yeah, I do wonder about the effect it has on the kids, because I am...a lot of things that good mothers are not. I am emotionally unavailable, to everyone, not just the kids, and even to myself. I never let myself break down, freak out, cry, whatever, and sometimes, you just need it. I am working on it, but I know what you mean. It's a tough situation to be in, for everyone.
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