Explaining your decision to quit
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 1
Explaining your decision to quit
Hi everyone,
This is my first post on this site, although I've been lurking around for about 5 weeks or so. I am 41 days sober as of today (never thought I'd actually be able to say that) and couldn't feel better. For the most part I was never a daily drinker, but once I did start to drink I would almost always drink until I blacked out. After one particularly bad night where I got myself into a series of really dangerous situations, none of which I fully remember, I made the decision to finally get sober.
The thing I'm having a lot of trouble with though is the reaction from my friends and family. They all drink and know that I used to drink a lot, although most of them never realized quite how bad I was as I was kind of good at hiding the worst of it. When I first announced that I was getting sober most of them reacted with disbelief, which was understandable given how many times I'd vowed to stop drinking before. Now that they're realizing I'm serious, the majority of them have been less than supportive. I've had MANY conversations over the part few weeks that go like this:
Friend/Family member: Well you could always drink and not get drunk.
Me: yeah, but I really don't even see the point in that (you know, because I'm an addict)
Them: Yeah, well you could even get drunk occasionally. Getting drunk isn't bad. Just don't get as drunk as often.
Me: But I don't want to get drunk again, and even if I did, once I start drinking I cant "not get as drunk".
Them: well all I'm saying is just don't close your mind from the idea forever.
I've seriously had this same conversation over and over again. I've tried to explain that when I was drinking my life was becoming more and more unmanageable. At the age of 25, I'd already ruined several relationships because of my drinking, was severely depressed and anxious, had been assaulted physically and sexually, had severe liver inflammation, and had heart problems that were exacerbated by drinking. When I explain all of this they say they get it, but that saying I'm never going to drink again is a little extreme. Is there a better way to explain all of this to them? Or should I just stop explaining myself and just hope that if I keep doing what I'm doing they'll eventually get on board?
Anyways, I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just getting really frustrated. I don't go to meetings, and as I have no sober friends, this is the first times I've talked about any of this outside of the context of getting harassed/interrogated and having to defend my decision to the person I'm talking to.
This is my first post on this site, although I've been lurking around for about 5 weeks or so. I am 41 days sober as of today (never thought I'd actually be able to say that) and couldn't feel better. For the most part I was never a daily drinker, but once I did start to drink I would almost always drink until I blacked out. After one particularly bad night where I got myself into a series of really dangerous situations, none of which I fully remember, I made the decision to finally get sober.
The thing I'm having a lot of trouble with though is the reaction from my friends and family. They all drink and know that I used to drink a lot, although most of them never realized quite how bad I was as I was kind of good at hiding the worst of it. When I first announced that I was getting sober most of them reacted with disbelief, which was understandable given how many times I'd vowed to stop drinking before. Now that they're realizing I'm serious, the majority of them have been less than supportive. I've had MANY conversations over the part few weeks that go like this:
Friend/Family member: Well you could always drink and not get drunk.
Me: yeah, but I really don't even see the point in that (you know, because I'm an addict)
Them: Yeah, well you could even get drunk occasionally. Getting drunk isn't bad. Just don't get as drunk as often.
Me: But I don't want to get drunk again, and even if I did, once I start drinking I cant "not get as drunk".
Them: well all I'm saying is just don't close your mind from the idea forever.
I've seriously had this same conversation over and over again. I've tried to explain that when I was drinking my life was becoming more and more unmanageable. At the age of 25, I'd already ruined several relationships because of my drinking, was severely depressed and anxious, had been assaulted physically and sexually, had severe liver inflammation, and had heart problems that were exacerbated by drinking. When I explain all of this they say they get it, but that saying I'm never going to drink again is a little extreme. Is there a better way to explain all of this to them? Or should I just stop explaining myself and just hope that if I keep doing what I'm doing they'll eventually get on board?
Anyways, I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just getting really frustrated. I don't go to meetings, and as I have no sober friends, this is the first times I've talked about any of this outside of the context of getting harassed/interrogated and having to defend my decision to the person I'm talking to.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi gigi 
I found those sort of comments came from two main groups - those who did not understand addiction, and those who were problem drinkers, if not alcoholics themselves, and who were in denial of their own problem.
I eventually found there was no real way to explain it. Non alcoholics, or those who don't want to know, have no basis on which to understand.
My true friends supported me in not drinking even tho most of them didn't understand it completely - and thats the important bit.
My family still ask me if I want a drink. I have nearly 7 years sober...
I just smile and say no thanks. It's not a big deal for me now.
If you want support and people who understand, you'll find it here - welcome to SR
D
I found those sort of comments came from two main groups - those who did not understand addiction, and those who were problem drinkers, if not alcoholics themselves, and who were in denial of their own problem.
I eventually found there was no real way to explain it. Non alcoholics, or those who don't want to know, have no basis on which to understand.
My true friends supported me in not drinking even tho most of them didn't understand it completely - and thats the important bit.
My family still ask me if I want a drink. I have nearly 7 years sober...
I just smile and say no thanks. It's not a big deal for me now.
If you want support and people who understand, you'll find it here - welcome to SR
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 714
gigi
In my opinion, it's impossible to explain... because there are many different levels of consciousness and it's very hard to comunicate depending on the level...
See, when you say you will never drink again, you defy some people.... almost offend them.... when you quit drinking it's like you said to them "your way of living isn't good, I'm out". What they say to you, actually they are saying to themselves... trying to convince themselves that drinking is a good thing... but notice that this isn't a conscious attitude from them...
I would give up trying to explain. Try to avoid the conversation saying things like "MAYBE it's good for you, but not for me, I feel better this way"... and that's it I guess. Free will.
Congratulations on your decision, hope you don't listen to that BS.
In my opinion, it's impossible to explain... because there are many different levels of consciousness and it's very hard to comunicate depending on the level...
See, when you say you will never drink again, you defy some people.... almost offend them.... when you quit drinking it's like you said to them "your way of living isn't good, I'm out". What they say to you, actually they are saying to themselves... trying to convince themselves that drinking is a good thing... but notice that this isn't a conscious attitude from them...
I would give up trying to explain. Try to avoid the conversation saying things like "MAYBE it's good for you, but not for me, I feel better this way"... and that's it I guess. Free will.
Congratulations on your decision, hope you don't listen to that BS.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
For me , i find people don't understand about giving up unless they have close experience of recovery themselves .
When other people don't , won't or can't understand it isn't my job to enlighten them .
If they get some comfort out of imagining i might drink again one day i don't need to say yes or no , sometimes a whimsical smile and not today is the best answer i have .
Bestwishes, m
When other people don't , won't or can't understand it isn't my job to enlighten them .
If they get some comfort out of imagining i might drink again one day i don't need to say yes or no , sometimes a whimsical smile and not today is the best answer i have .
Bestwishes, m
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Congrats on 41 days sober!
Most people don't understand addiction. I'd give up on trying to 'make' them understand. Just do as suggested and say "not tonight". And if they press you about it, just repeat as needed until they stop.
Most people don't understand addiction. I'd give up on trying to 'make' them understand. Just do as suggested and say "not tonight".
And if they press you about it, just repeat as needed until they stop.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Most people don't understand but I realize that's not my problem,nor do I let it bother me anymore. Please don't get upset,frustrated or annoyed that people don't 'get it'. Just let it go. Know you are doing the right thing for you and you don't have to give anyone any explanations. A simple "no thanks I don't drink anymore" is sufficient.
Congrats on 41 days
Congrats on 41 days
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 567
It's maybe worth considering your approach, for example "the announcement" Vs the "quiet achiever" angle.
Put yourself in their shoes and think for a while, "what if someone announced, "i'm not drinking anymore" to you a few years back ?
I found out myself the hard way, I "announced" I'm no longer drinking in my early days, to be met with a "yeah right, let's see" type of thing.
It's been over 5 years now and I just don't even entertain the idea anymore, and new friends that can accept the fact I am a no drinker of alcohol, there is no reason if I get asked now days why I don't drink alcohol.
An example, real life;
I was at work one day and was offered a bottle of beer to take home, or so the offer er thought.
I accepted the "gift" and gave it to someone I know who does drink the next day.
There are all sorts of ways to deal with learning to live sober, shared by our own experiences.
Of course to be perfectly honest, it's not as easy as written here. Takes practice and at times a prayer helps to, depending on circumstances.
Put yourself in their shoes and think for a while, "what if someone announced, "i'm not drinking anymore" to you a few years back ?
I found out myself the hard way, I "announced" I'm no longer drinking in my early days, to be met with a "yeah right, let's see" type of thing.
It's been over 5 years now and I just don't even entertain the idea anymore, and new friends that can accept the fact I am a no drinker of alcohol, there is no reason if I get asked now days why I don't drink alcohol.
An example, real life;
I was at work one day and was offered a bottle of beer to take home, or so the offer er thought.
I accepted the "gift" and gave it to someone I know who does drink the next day.
There are all sorts of ways to deal with learning to live sober, shared by our own experiences.
Of course to be perfectly honest, it's not as easy as written here. Takes practice and at times a prayer helps to, depending on circumstances.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Gigi
You don't have to explain! Took me a long time to figure out but it actually isn't anyone else's business. You as an adult can do whatever the hell you want (within the context of the law of course
) and you don't have to answer to no one. I also found that non addict people don't understand so I either try and explain which is usually futile but every now and then someone learns something, or I just say I quit, no further explanation needed. I don't try and fob them of by saying anything like I am not drinking for now because it doesn't feel genuine and I have found in time people have mostly accepted my teetotal status. I hope you will find the same x
You don't have to explain! Took me a long time to figure out but it actually isn't anyone else's business. You as an adult can do whatever the hell you want (within the context of the law of course
) and you don't have to answer to no one. I also found that non addict people don't understand so I either try and explain which is usually futile but every now and then someone learns something, or I just say I quit, no further explanation needed. I don't try and fob them of by saying anything like I am not drinking for now because it doesn't feel genuine and I have found in time people have mostly accepted my teetotal status. I hope you will find the same x
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Congratulations on your sober time. I would only tell those I felt comfortable with telling. In the end most everyone knew and now think nothing of it. You certainly discover who your real friends are xxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,450
I find both other heavy drinkers and normal drinkers don't understand me not drinking. My customers especially don't get it. I still have to tell people I entertain I'm not drinking because I'm training for a marathon. Whatever you do have a good reason and stick with it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
Stop having that conversation. Just don't bother. It doesn't sound productive.
The only person you have to keep convinced is the one at your keyboard right now. All of those other people will, given time, eventually shut the hell up.
You're the one at the helm of your own personal battleship on the great seas of life. You call the shots. All that other stuff is just noise.
If you focus hard on diet and training and change your body for the better it gives you a pretty reasonable excuse for not drinking, one that the normies and the drunks can understand, and you get in really good, healthy shape, too. I recommend it highly, but understand that it's not for everybody.
The only person you have to keep convinced is the one at your keyboard right now. All of those other people will, given time, eventually shut the hell up.
You're the one at the helm of your own personal battleship on the great seas of life. You call the shots. All that other stuff is just noise.
If you focus hard on diet and training and change your body for the better it gives you a pretty reasonable excuse for not drinking, one that the normies and the drunks can understand, and you get in really good, healthy shape, too. I recommend it highly, but understand that it's not for everybody.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by gigi88 
Anyways, I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just getting really frustrated. I don't go to meetings, and as I have no sober friends, this is the first times I've talked about any of this outside of the context of getting harassed/interrogated and having to defend my decision to the person I'm talking to.
Do you have any kind of a recovery plan? Keep the friends that are understanding and in the early days it's best to avoid those who aren't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
I have told very few people I quit. When drinking comes up I just say I am not drinking tonight. No one ever questions me further. I think because designated drivers don't drink they are kind of used to it. I have not told anyone I will never drink again. I just stick with I am not drinking today. It works for me.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Gigi88, I learned something very early on in sobriety about these conversations:
There is ZERO care and concern about you in there. This is a person who has a drinking problem who is uncomfortable because you're making them consider how they would feel if they quit. If you just step back and look at the words it's a conversation that they're really having with themselves
As soon as I realized this I found out who my real friends were and who the family members were who really cared about ME. Those were the ones that said "congratulations, I'm here for you" or "I'm happy for you". Those who tried to reason and bargain with me about drinking were merely reasoning and bargaining with themselves and reinforcing their own addiction.
Not good to be around.
Friend/Family member: Well you could always drink and not get drunk.
Me: yeah, but I really don't even see the point in that (you know, because I'm an addict)
Them: Yeah, well you could even get drunk occasionally. Getting drunk isn't bad. Just don't get as drunk as often.
Me: But I don't want to get drunk again, and even if I did, once I start drinking I cant "not get as drunk".
Them: well all I'm saying is just don't close your mind from the idea forever.
Me: yeah, but I really don't even see the point in that (you know, because I'm an addict)
Them: Yeah, well you could even get drunk occasionally. Getting drunk isn't bad. Just don't get as drunk as often.
Me: But I don't want to get drunk again, and even if I did, once I start drinking I cant "not get as drunk".
Them: well all I'm saying is just don't close your mind from the idea forever.
As soon as I realized this I found out who my real friends were and who the family members were who really cared about ME. Those were the ones that said "congratulations, I'm here for you" or "I'm happy for you". Those who tried to reason and bargain with me about drinking were merely reasoning and bargaining with themselves and reinforcing their own addiction.
Not good to be around.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Dee said it really well...
And a lot of other good responses here. Bottom line is that the only person we need to "explain" our decision to is us. It's OUR decision and our life and we know why we have made it.
I have a few simple replies on hand like "hey, listen... sometimes you just need to give your body a break and I'm not drinking today".
You can use that one again and again, and every day if need be. Or a charming, smiling, "I've had enough to drink for five lifetimes, I feel good right now without drinking, thanks".
Or
"I'm finding my body feels better without alcohol in it"
Or
"Turns out, for me, life is just a lot more joyful without drinking"
Make it about YOU, short and to the point. If people persist in trying to get you to drink or influence you to the possibility of drinking again, those might be people you really don't need to be around all that much.
Congrats on 41 days!
And a lot of other good responses here. Bottom line is that the only person we need to "explain" our decision to is us. It's OUR decision and our life and we know why we have made it.
I have a few simple replies on hand like "hey, listen... sometimes you just need to give your body a break and I'm not drinking today".
You can use that one again and again, and every day if need be. Or a charming, smiling, "I've had enough to drink for five lifetimes, I feel good right now without drinking, thanks".
Or
"I'm finding my body feels better without alcohol in it"
Or
"Turns out, for me, life is just a lot more joyful without drinking"
Make it about YOU, short and to the point. If people persist in trying to get you to drink or influence you to the possibility of drinking again, those might be people you really don't need to be around all that much.
Congrats on 41 days!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 170
Very similar situation here Gigi. I'm also on day41. I've been just telling people (and myself for that matter) that I'm taking a break for now. This may not be the best approach, but it seems to be working for me, and keeps people at bay. But I agree with Dee, LadyBlue, and others. People who push you to drink either don't understand or respect your addiction, or addiction in general. The others are just trying to justify their own problematic drinking. Stay strong and congrats on 41!
SeaScape
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: California
Posts: 313
Hi
I have the same problems/issues. Someone told me "Do not expect family or friends to be supportive or react as you would like."
Ain't that the truth. I just keep focusing on myself - I get down and feel discouraged and I try to remember that this whole lifestyle change is for no one else except for me.
I feel I make people uncomfortable with my lifestyle change. Sometimes it makes them question their own behaviors.
thanks for sharing this
I have the same problems/issues. Someone told me "Do not expect family or friends to be supportive or react as you would like."
Ain't that the truth. I just keep focusing on myself - I get down and feel discouraged and I try to remember that this whole lifestyle change is for no one else except for me.
I feel I make people uncomfortable with my lifestyle change. Sometimes it makes them question their own behaviors.
thanks for sharing this
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
Gigi88, I learned something very early on in sobriety about these conversations:
There is ZERO care and concern about you in there. This is a person who has a drinking problem who is uncomfortable because you're making them consider how they would feel if they quit. If you just step back and look at the words it's a conversation that they're really having with themselves
As soon as I realized this I found out who my real friends were and who the family members were who really cared about ME. Those were the ones that said "congratulations, I'm here for you" or "I'm happy for you". Those who tried to reason and bargain with me about drinking were merely reasoning and bargaining with themselves and reinforcing their own addiction.
Not good to be around.
There is ZERO care and concern about you in there. This is a person who has a drinking problem who is uncomfortable because you're making them consider how they would feel if they quit. If you just step back and look at the words it's a conversation that they're really having with themselves
As soon as I realized this I found out who my real friends were and who the family members were who really cared about ME. Those were the ones that said "congratulations, I'm here for you" or "I'm happy for you". Those who tried to reason and bargain with me about drinking were merely reasoning and bargaining with themselves and reinforcing their own addiction.
Not good to be around.
Here is someone who I thought would have had my back . . . and didn't. I agree that it is more about her own struggle with her own drinking. And surprisingly, I thought my family would pressure me, but when I said I wasn't drinking, pretty much no one made any sort of deal about it whatsoever.
Go figure.
Stand in your truth. Other people's issues with your quitting drinking says more about them than you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
