freethinking

I actually drank mouthwash yesterday. My husband takes my money, so I cannot drink - and I gulped mouthwash yesterday to get a buzz. I think my hubby earns more than XXX per year. So if you think I am a gutter drunk, think something else.

Today, I hid cash, and when he left for work I bought wine. Drank 1.5 bottles of wine and nobody knew (except for the poor soul who drove me to the AA meeting tonight).

I hope there is a reason I keep attending AA drunk, because in all honesty I feel like I am on such a downward spiral (duh). Thank God I never speak to anyone.

alphaomega

I'm in awe of how brave you are for coming and sharing this.

Free - this is dangerous though. What can we do to help you help yourself ? What do you think you need to get off this merrygoround from hell ?

lisatrying

Freethinking it is great that you are posting here.

I know what its like to deceive and lie to the people who care about me to get booze. Its not a good feeling.

You can beat this. Can you consider doing a detox? Good luck, and be safe.

deeker

I have felt your desperation before and I have done that before. You and I have an illness. We suffer from alcoholism.

The third tradition of Alcoholics Anonymous, "The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking"

I hope you will keep going to those meetings, and I hope you will hear the one thing that inspires you to get sober.

I went to detox and I am glad I did. You may want to consider something like that. Praying for you!

Forghetti35

You are strong for sharing this! Be proactive. Tell everyone you can trust that you need help. Tell them when you want to drink, tell anyone. They will help. The larger your network of those who know, the more accountability you have and the more ppl who can help will be there.

I too have resorted to drinking mouthwash before. you aren't alone in your thoughts. We are there and your loved ones wil be there too

Gakx

You are not the first and certainly not the last to guzzle Listerine and what not. It's not about the money, it's about availability in the moment.

I hope that you are able to find the strength to try sobriety again. We are here for you on this end. Looking forward to a Day 1 post from you!!

freethinking

AlphaOmega...for some reason I will always feel honored when you come into my posts because, as shallow as this sounds, someone asked you to be their friggin birth coach! Gosh, drunk or not - how awesome you must be!!

To all the helpful others...I feel confused. I have gone to detox before. I am not afraid of it. But, do I qualify - AGAIN? I know what I need to do. Dude, I have been physically dependent before. I am not there yet. I can go a day or 2 without it.

Waiting for the miracle to happen. LOL, yes - sitting on azz waiting for **** to happen to meeeeee.

dogged14

Edit: Didn't read the post thoroughly. Seriously, don't do this. Any alcohols in mouthwash are much more toxic (like 50-1000x more toxic then ethanol)

Wastinglife

I drank mouthwash before. 2 weeks later I was in rehab. That stuff turned by guts inside out.

alphaomega

Awwww, Free. You made me smile. I wish so damn bad, I wasn't hung that day. Such a miracle and I couldn't wait for it to end. Then, after some 40 hours without sleep, I had to go right to work after the birth. Talk about hell. On. Earth. I worked 12 hours, still hung, and covered in amniotic fluid...yummy.

There's a miracle, just waiting for you, if you ask for it. I mean, REALLY REALLY *ask* for it. Out loud. And mean it. And then, be willing to do whatever it takes to receive it.

Then wait...

You can so do this.

XO AO

Dee74

Hi Freethinking

I dunno...you're drinking mouthwash and stealing money from your husband - how 'bad' does it hafta get?

I think you're confused right now and your thinking's very fuzzy.

I know this isn't the life you want. Not even the AV can argue with that.

What about, at the very least, reaching out and opening up at AA?

D

Mags1

Hi freethinking, careful swallowing the mouthwash, though.

If you're shouting for help we are here, shout as loud as you can. Get it all out. Keep posting and visiting SR and AA xx

mary5alive

I drank mouthwash so many times when I was underage and couldn't get my fix. It is literally like ingesting battery acid(just like beverage ethanol basically is). My kidneys got really messed up from it, and so did my stomach.
I can totally relate to you on that note.

How is AA working for you? Have you tried seeking any other means of help? It can't hurt.

MythOfSisyphus

You've got to stop the downward spiral somewhere and somehow, freethinking. I'm glad you're still going to AA but right now obviously you're in a rough patch. Maybe it's time to speak up in the meeting? I dunno, just want you to know we're here to listen.

chickippo

i have also done this.

i've spent 5 months in AA and not got a hold of sobriety until now. the change is that i realise i have to actually work at my sobriety, not expect the answers to fall into my lap.

it's very painful as only now am i realising what i've done to my daughter and my now-ex husband. i lost everything. please, make that change now before the same thing happens to you.

be well.

alphaomega

Just stopping in to check how you are doing today. Hoping and praying (I'm silly like that ) that today you get your miracle...

and that you are able to see it...

XO AO

IOAA2

We all have a path to take in this life. Many times the easiest is not really the easiest or most beneficial as the pains are too much. There is a lot involved in getting and staying sober that being undisciplined I chose not to do until the emotional pain got to be too intense. I failed again! At this point I started to listen and act on what the old timers "preached." First I needed to get honest with myself about my drinking and accept I could not drink again in safety. I needed to open up about my feelings at meetings and get active in meetings so I felt I belonged and be told I was off the beam gently.
It's a slow process but I needed to remember that I got that way over a period of time and it wasn't going away overnight. One of the most important things I heard was KEEP COMING!

BE WELL

freethinking

Hi All,

It's a new day and miraculously I feel pretty good. Suspiciously happy and I have no idea why.

I'll get through this some how. Thanks for all the encouragement.

FT

alphaomega

I know why.

You can absolutely do this. You deserve to feel like this every breath of every day.

Make a choice.

XO AO

RobbyRobot

A new day is always awesome!
And so very doable too!