Remind me...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
Remind me...
Remind me of what I already know to be true, because I just can't seem to get out of my head tonight that it's ME that has the problem.
Remind me... that 10-12+ oz of scotch, in a 2-3 hour period, EVERY night before bed is a lot.
... that I didn't want him to be "perfect", I wanted him to be healthy... and that it's ok - and normal - to want that for someone you love.
... that "high functioning" is a stage, not a type, and that this will get worse some day.
... that his sleep problems, stomach problems, vitamin B deficiency, and intimacy problems are likely a result of his long-term drinking habits.
... that what I witness to be a deteriorating work ethic is just the beginning of what's to come.
... that it's normal to want to talk to your partner about something that bothers you without being fearful of their response to your concerns.
... that it's a problem when someone chooses to drink every single night over having a relationship with the person they said they loved and wanted to share their life with.
I'm just feeling low tonight and needing closure on this and knowing that I'm STILL stuck. His email keeps replaying in my head... "Get counseling... Get help... you are a troubled soul..." He has things of mine, I have things of his. I don't like having unfinished business. But he hates me right now, I can tell by the anger in his email. I didn't walk away because I don't love him... I walked away because I do. I walked away because I want more with him, but I can't live with the drinking. It's killing him and it's killing me... but only one of us can see that.
And I hate that I am sitting here... STILL... thinking it's ME that has the problem. That it's ME that needs "fixing".
Remind me... that 10-12+ oz of scotch, in a 2-3 hour period, EVERY night before bed is a lot.
... that I didn't want him to be "perfect", I wanted him to be healthy... and that it's ok - and normal - to want that for someone you love.
... that "high functioning" is a stage, not a type, and that this will get worse some day.
... that his sleep problems, stomach problems, vitamin B deficiency, and intimacy problems are likely a result of his long-term drinking habits.
... that what I witness to be a deteriorating work ethic is just the beginning of what's to come.
... that it's normal to want to talk to your partner about something that bothers you without being fearful of their response to your concerns.
... that it's a problem when someone chooses to drink every single night over having a relationship with the person they said they loved and wanted to share their life with.
I'm just feeling low tonight and needing closure on this and knowing that I'm STILL stuck. His email keeps replaying in my head... "Get counseling... Get help... you are a troubled soul..." He has things of mine, I have things of his. I don't like having unfinished business. But he hates me right now, I can tell by the anger in his email. I didn't walk away because I don't love him... I walked away because I do. I walked away because I want more with him, but I can't live with the drinking. It's killing him and it's killing me... but only one of us can see that.
And I hate that I am sitting here... STILL... thinking it's ME that has the problem. That it's ME that needs "fixing".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by BrokenInPieces 
And I hate that I am sitting here... STILL... thinking it's ME that has the problem. That it's ME that needs "fixing".
You DO need fixing, honey! All of us who love an alcoholic need all the fixing we can get our dang hands on.
Yes, your alcoholic is the one with the drinking problem. But because you are attached to him, you have major problems, too. And you deserve help and support, and a plan to make a better life for yourself - regardless of his choices.
Most of your post is about him and his behavior, over which you have no control. What you can control is you, how you feel, how you react, how long you continue to live in an unhappy, unhealthy situation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Originally Posted by spiderqueen
Surprised Hammer hasn't jumped in here yet.
You DO need fixing, honey! All of us who love an alcoholic need all the fixing we can get our dang hands on.
Yes, your alcoholic is the one with the drinking problem. But because you are attached to him, you have major problems, too. And you deserve help and support, and a plan to make a better life for yourself - regardless of his choices.
Most of your post is about him and his behavior, over which you have no control. What you can control is you, how you feel, how you react, how long you continue to live in an unhappy, unhealthy situation.
You DO need fixing, honey! All of us who love an alcoholic need all the fixing we can get our dang hands on.
Yes, your alcoholic is the one with the drinking problem. But because you are attached to him, you have major problems, too. And you deserve help and support, and a plan to make a better life for yourself - regardless of his choices.
Most of your post is about him and his behavior, over which you have no control. What you can control is you, how you feel, how you react, how long you continue to live in an unhappy, unhealthy situation.
Hugs to you. Figuring this stuff out in the beginning is tough.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BrokenInPieces---Don't think for one minute that this means that you are inferior. Do not feel shame about yourself. You are a person that has been hurt---and that hurt needs to be fixed and healed. No one has a right to judge you as a human being---so, Please...Pleeease do not do that to yourself.
The reason that I say this is that those who suffer damage from loving an addict often do feel this way---and, it blocks us from healing.
dandylion
The reason that I say this is that those who suffer damage from loving an addict often do feel this way---and, it blocks us from healing.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
I could have written this exact same post tonight. I have gone through all the same thoughts and emotions today. Its so strange how they creep into your head, and stick there like a cocklebur. Their words repeat like a broken record, over and over and over, til you cannot hear your own inner voice of reason. Do NOT let this man do this to you...and I am saying it to myself at the same time, because I was sitting here like you, wondering and worrying and second guessing myself. I am even second guessing my ability to ever find a normal guy later on...in about a million years when I finally feel like I could trust someone. That is what they do, they destroy your own self confidence. They destroy your perceptions of what is normal and acceptable, til suddenly you are accepting their tilted version of reality instead of your own. Someone posted a link here today Addiction, Lies and Relationships and it made for some eye opening reading for my son and I tonight. We had a big discussion about it, and it helped, a lot. Its going to take time for his voice inside your head to fade away and be replaced by your own voice again. This is why NO CONTACT is so very important. It gives you space to breathe and collect yourself and begin to heal the damage, time to work on issues you have that make you accept such behavior without him derailing you. Block his email, don't read it next time. Being derailed from his email, being set back so much, and then having to start new again in getting over him and his ******** out of your head. Its like he has brainwashed you, and you have to work hard on you to get that brainwashing out of your head.
Do NOT let this man creep back into your head and derail you. Period. He is deflecting all the issues onto you because he is afraid to accept that his drinking is a problem. He is pointing fingers at everything but himself. You know this. Remember...my mother always said when you point at someone you have three fingers pointing back at yourself. He is pointing at you honey, but he has three fingers pointing right back at himself...
Do NOT let this man creep back into your head and derail you. Period. He is deflecting all the issues onto you because he is afraid to accept that his drinking is a problem. He is pointing fingers at everything but himself. You know this. Remember...my mother always said when you point at someone you have three fingers pointing back at yourself. He is pointing at you honey, but he has three fingers pointing right back at himself...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
OK, ask yourself if you trust and respect him? And understand you can have -- you deserve -- a good life with loving healthy people around you. All alcoholics blame other people for their drinking and other problems. If they get sober they learn they are responsible for everything they say and do. But nothing changes while someone is drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Broken pieces thank you for reminding me of what I went through on a daily basis with AXBF. I have been seeing him some lately but it's not the same. When I feel those thoughts returning ( the self doubt etc) I know it's time to get back to me and my life and let him be. Put the focus on you and take the focus off him as much as you can. I always felt like I didn't like myself very much when I was with AXBF. Once I got away and started working on myself an amazing thing happened : I started to actually like myself again! 
hugs and kind thoughts to you! Keep posting!
hugs and kind thoughts to you! Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
But he hates me right now, I can tell by the anger in his email
He "hates" you because you left him alone to deal with himself.. Thats not your problem. And btw..he doesnt hate you. He hates himself. Which btw is not your problem. Take care of you. Be kind to yourself.
I didn't walk away because I don't love him... I walked away because I do. I walked away because I want more with him, but I can't live with the drinking. It's killing him and it's killing me... but only one of us can see that.
Change your thinking to " I walked away because I love me. I walked away because I want more for me, because I cant live with his drinking. Its killing me, and I can finally see this" and you will be on the right track!
He "hates" you because you left him alone to deal with himself.. Thats not your problem. And btw..he doesnt hate you. He hates himself. Which btw is not your problem. Take care of you. Be kind to yourself.
I didn't walk away because I don't love him... I walked away because I do. I walked away because I want more with him, but I can't live with the drinking. It's killing him and it's killing me... but only one of us can see that.
Change your thinking to " I walked away because I love me. I walked away because I want more for me, because I cant live with his drinking. Its killing me, and I can finally see this" and you will be on the right track!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Maybe it's time to finish up the unfinished business and get on with your life.
We make assumptions about allot, but it's really hard to assume someone's demeanor in an email.
He's hurt you left, probably angry because you no longer are willing to tolerate his behavior. You have reached an impass in this relationship. You don't want him to drink and he wants to drink.
You are hung up on words from an alcoholic, spew he said after being cinfronted about his passion (drinking).
If I held onto and believed all the crap my ex said when I was leaving him, I should be locked up and away from harming society. Lol
Try and finish up that unfinished business as soon as possible. Think about what he has of yours and is it really worth the emotional stress in getting it back. The things you have of his, ship them to him.
When I left I took everything that was important to me, after a time period I began to realize some of the things I had left behind. Obviously they were not of real importance other wise I would have taken them.
We make assumptions about allot, but it's really hard to assume someone's demeanor in an email.
He's hurt you left, probably angry because you no longer are willing to tolerate his behavior. You have reached an impass in this relationship. You don't want him to drink and he wants to drink.
You are hung up on words from an alcoholic, spew he said after being cinfronted about his passion (drinking).
If I held onto and believed all the crap my ex said when I was leaving him, I should be locked up and away from harming society. Lol
Try and finish up that unfinished business as soon as possible. Think about what he has of yours and is it really worth the emotional stress in getting it back. The things you have of his, ship them to him.
When I left I took everything that was important to me, after a time period I began to realize some of the things I had left behind. Obviously they were not of real importance other wise I would have taken them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Sorry you are going through this. It is not you!
Ofelie- that was a great article. I agree that no contact is helpful. I am finding that little to no contact really helps me think clearly on what I need to do for myself. When I have contact is when all the doubts, anxiety, etc...come back.
Ofelie- that was a great article. I agree that no contact is helpful. I am finding that little to no contact really helps me think clearly on what I need to do for myself. When I have contact is when all the doubts, anxiety, etc...come back.
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