Came across an old post while doing google search...
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Came across an old post while doing google search...
Wow, that was frightening...I just googled "I hate my alcoholic husband" and this came up:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...k-husband.html
I wrote that. I originally joined this site in 2010, left (because I couldn't handle the honesty, to be honest lol), and came back under my new s/n.
It was frightening and very sad to read that post. I want to go back and give myself a hug. I was so clueless about what was going on, and so lacking in trust/confidence. I'd like to think things have gotten better since then, and they have in the sense that my husband is rarely drinking, and when he does, it doesn't escalate to the level it used to. Now, he lays in bed/gets sad.
Anyway, I was a stay-at-home mom at that time. Terrified because I had a baby and I had NO IDEA what the future held. I was frantically searching for a solution to his problems, and to just find a way to make it stop. I was looking for the perfect rehab, the perfect counselor, the perfect quote to just magically save my husband and make him normal so we could get on with a normal life.
This is the text I sent him today after he sent me a text saying he was sorry for being "out of order" this morning (he came barging in when I was getting out of the shower this morning screaming "What is wrong with you? How many scoops of coffee did you put in this cup????):
"I can't go on the way we are. Everything is there - the house, the kids, the dog, great schools, great neighborhood, great jobs, prospects for the future, we're all healthy - but you're just unhappy and I think it will always be this way. I try to make it work but you are just NOT happy."
It's true. We live in one of the best areas you could ask for in Los Angeles (reluctantly for me, I'm a Northern CA girl), the elementary school is almost utopian, no crime, etc.), we have a nice little house, we are all in good physical health, he has a great job, I have a good job and (am a finalist for a position that would give me complete financial freedom - crossing my fingers), and from the outside it looks great. But it's NOT great.
I don't care why he's the way he is anymore. I don't hold out any hope that he'll get intense therapy or go to AA. It's not happening anytime soon. All that he's done, and he's still not humbled enough to seek help and change. Not for me, not for himself, not for the kids. I just need to summon the courage to detach from him - that's the only way I can do this. I can't care. I'm going to want to rescue him, to check on him when I haven't heard from him and make sure he hasn't had too many drinks or swallowed too many pills. Part of me loves him. If I'm having fun somewhere, I'll think about how lonely and miserable he must be. I'll feel some guilt that he moved to this country and all of his friends/family are in the UK and he has no one but me who cares about him here. But those worries are starting to diminish. My aunt who runs a rehab center told me "You'll be done someday. When you're done, you'll just know." I really want to be done, so badly.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...k-husband.html
I wrote that. I originally joined this site in 2010, left (because I couldn't handle the honesty, to be honest lol), and came back under my new s/n.
It was frightening and very sad to read that post. I want to go back and give myself a hug. I was so clueless about what was going on, and so lacking in trust/confidence. I'd like to think things have gotten better since then, and they have in the sense that my husband is rarely drinking, and when he does, it doesn't escalate to the level it used to. Now, he lays in bed/gets sad.
Anyway, I was a stay-at-home mom at that time. Terrified because I had a baby and I had NO IDEA what the future held. I was frantically searching for a solution to his problems, and to just find a way to make it stop. I was looking for the perfect rehab, the perfect counselor, the perfect quote to just magically save my husband and make him normal so we could get on with a normal life.
This is the text I sent him today after he sent me a text saying he was sorry for being "out of order" this morning (he came barging in when I was getting out of the shower this morning screaming "What is wrong with you? How many scoops of coffee did you put in this cup????):
"I can't go on the way we are. Everything is there - the house, the kids, the dog, great schools, great neighborhood, great jobs, prospects for the future, we're all healthy - but you're just unhappy and I think it will always be this way. I try to make it work but you are just NOT happy."
It's true. We live in one of the best areas you could ask for in Los Angeles (reluctantly for me, I'm a Northern CA girl), the elementary school is almost utopian, no crime, etc.), we have a nice little house, we are all in good physical health, he has a great job, I have a good job and (am a finalist for a position that would give me complete financial freedom - crossing my fingers), and from the outside it looks great. But it's NOT great.
I don't care why he's the way he is anymore. I don't hold out any hope that he'll get intense therapy or go to AA. It's not happening anytime soon. All that he's done, and he's still not humbled enough to seek help and change. Not for me, not for himself, not for the kids. I just need to summon the courage to detach from him - that's the only way I can do this. I can't care. I'm going to want to rescue him, to check on him when I haven't heard from him and make sure he hasn't had too many drinks or swallowed too many pills. Part of me loves him. If I'm having fun somewhere, I'll think about how lonely and miserable he must be. I'll feel some guilt that he moved to this country and all of his friends/family are in the UK and he has no one but me who cares about him here. But those worries are starting to diminish. My aunt who runs a rehab center told me "You'll be done someday. When you're done, you'll just know." I really want to be done, so badly.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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EmmyG---I notice with frequency, in the posts here, the people often take considerable solace from the phrase--"when the time comes, you will just know". As if they only have to wait until a time when, out of nowhere, they will receive that message of the departure time. kind of like the turtle putting the head back in the shell and waiting until it "thunders".
In reality--the way it happened for me and the way I observe that it happens (for real) with others is like this: The knowledge and confidence to make decisions and move forward comes after a period of facing the true reality of their situation and struggling to accept that reality...COMBINED with working on themselves and taking responsibility for their lives. Ther is usually lots of reading and learning....attending alanon or other support group (SR, also).....individual counseling.....researching their legal rights....and laying plans for carrying on with life---like child care needs, financial needs, living arrangements, etc. In other words, a period of struggling with their own growth and preparation. Then---this is when the "message" comes. Like, the message comes when the recipient is prepared and ready to hear it.
This has been my experience.
dandylion
In reality--the way it happened for me and the way I observe that it happens (for real) with others is like this: The knowledge and confidence to make decisions and move forward comes after a period of facing the true reality of their situation and struggling to accept that reality...COMBINED with working on themselves and taking responsibility for their lives. Ther is usually lots of reading and learning....attending alanon or other support group (SR, also).....individual counseling.....researching their legal rights....and laying plans for carrying on with life---like child care needs, financial needs, living arrangements, etc. In other words, a period of struggling with their own growth and preparation. Then---this is when the "message" comes. Like, the message comes when the recipient is prepared and ready to hear it.
This has been my experience.
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Emmy, are you in therapy at all? Therapy has been the major difference in my feelings towards myself and towards my husband. It has also helped me to see and understand that there is so much more going on here than just alcohol. It has also been tantamount in helping me put up and enforce boundaries to protect myself emotionally and that has really helped me to stay out of the drama when he's trying to suck me into his craziness.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Hi Stung...I was just reading your threads over the past few months. It reminds me so much of my own situation. I don't know ANYone who's dealing with this stuff. I find it embarrassing and isolating. More embarrassed for myself that I've put up with it for so long.
I actually emailed the therapist we saw as a couple (about a year ago...he stormed out when she started pushing him). I had an appt. set and then her office got evacuated that morning due to a fire lol. I haven't made another one yet. I guess I know that if I talk to her, I'll have to tell her the truth and she'll make it super clear that I have to leave.
I read in one of your posts, you had quoted some texts from your husband. They were apologetic and they sounded like it was my husband talking. He acts like either an aggressive, violent psycho or a weepy sad person when he's drunk and then never remembers it. The last few times he's been drunk he wasn't nasty to me, just weird and sad. If I ever sense that he's under the influence, I pack the kids up and go to a hotel or my parents'. Right now I think about the possibility of having to do that EVERY day. It's hard to relax. I'm just sick of it.
I actually emailed the therapist we saw as a couple (about a year ago...he stormed out when she started pushing him). I had an appt. set and then her office got evacuated that morning due to a fire lol. I haven't made another one yet. I guess I know that if I talk to her, I'll have to tell her the truth and she'll make it super clear that I have to leave.
I read in one of your posts, you had quoted some texts from your husband. They were apologetic and they sounded like it was my husband talking. He acts like either an aggressive, violent psycho or a weepy sad person when he's drunk and then never remembers it. The last few times he's been drunk he wasn't nasty to me, just weird and sad. If I ever sense that he's under the influence, I pack the kids up and go to a hotel or my parents'. Right now I think about the possibility of having to do that EVERY day. It's hard to relax. I'm just sick of it.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by dandylion 
EmmyG---I notice with frequency, in the posts here, the people often take considerable solace from the phrase--"when the time comes, you will just know". As if they only have to wait until a time when, out of nowhere, they will receive that message of the departure time. kind of like the turtle putting the head back in the shell and waiting until it "thunders".
In reality--the way it happened for me and the way I observe that it happens (for real) with others is like this: The knowledge and confidence to make decisions and move forward comes after a period of facing the true reality of their situation and struggling to accept that reality...COMBINED with working on themselves and taking responsibility for their lives. Ther is usually lots of reading and learning....attending alanon or other support group (SR, also).....individual counseling.....researching their legal rights....and laying plans for carrying on with life---like child care needs, financial needs, living arrangements, etc. In other words, a period of struggling with their own growth and preparation. Then---this is when the "message" comes. Like, the message comes when the recipient is prepared and ready to hear it.
This has been my experience.
dandylion
In reality--the way it happened for me and the way I observe that it happens (for real) with others is like this: The knowledge and confidence to make decisions and move forward comes after a period of facing the true reality of their situation and struggling to accept that reality...COMBINED with working on themselves and taking responsibility for their lives. Ther is usually lots of reading and learning....attending alanon or other support group (SR, also).....individual counseling.....researching their legal rights....and laying plans for carrying on with life---like child care needs, financial needs, living arrangements, etc. In other words, a period of struggling with their own growth and preparation. Then---this is when the "message" comes. Like, the message comes when the recipient is prepared and ready to hear it.
This has been my experience.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
This struck me from your old post
" ...slapped me. That's the second time he's ever slapped or pushed me, and I still feel sick thinking about it. Do you know what it's like to see the one you love with their eyes vacant and hollow, with no expression on their face, and to feel so completely terrified and afraid of what they may be capable of?"
I know exactly how that feels, have been in that exact spot many, many times. He may lay in bed and be sad now instead of raging, but that line tells me there is the potential for it to get ugly, the raging might start again, then what will you do? You have no way of knowing when THAT moment will come. Maybe that is a better question than when will you know you are done. I also know lots of people say they are going to divorce after the kids are this age, or after they get this job, or pay off the car, or are done with school, etc. Seems to me there will never be this perfect moment because its never going to feel right or good, you know? Your text to him was about how HE was never going to be happy, but really it sounds like you aren't happy either. And you DESERVE happiness. He is a big boy, he won't die of loneliness when you leave him and its not your place or your job to entertain him and keep him thrilled forever. Sounds like you are lonely and miserable and I don't see him making a huge effort to take care of that and get help so he can be a better husband and father, so why are you worrying about what happens to him after you leave him? If you aren't happy, let him go (see Hammer's video about Letting People Go). Focus on taking care of you and your kids instead of taking care of him and his craziness. Plan and prepare for the day you will be on your own.
" ...slapped me. That's the second time he's ever slapped or pushed me, and I still feel sick thinking about it. Do you know what it's like to see the one you love with their eyes vacant and hollow, with no expression on their face, and to feel so completely terrified and afraid of what they may be capable of?"
I know exactly how that feels, have been in that exact spot many, many times. He may lay in bed and be sad now instead of raging, but that line tells me there is the potential for it to get ugly, the raging might start again, then what will you do? You have no way of knowing when THAT moment will come. Maybe that is a better question than when will you know you are done. I also know lots of people say they are going to divorce after the kids are this age, or after they get this job, or pay off the car, or are done with school, etc. Seems to me there will never be this perfect moment because its never going to feel right or good, you know? Your text to him was about how HE was never going to be happy, but really it sounds like you aren't happy either. And you DESERVE happiness. He is a big boy, he won't die of loneliness when you leave him and its not your place or your job to entertain him and keep him thrilled forever. Sounds like you are lonely and miserable and I don't see him making a huge effort to take care of that and get help so he can be a better husband and father, so why are you worrying about what happens to him after you leave him? If you aren't happy, let him go (see Hammer's video about Letting People Go). Focus on taking care of you and your kids instead of taking care of him and his craziness. Plan and prepare for the day you will be on your own.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Emmy, I hope u get that job. I read your old post. That post is 4 years old. How odd for it to come up - your own post. Thank goodness for Google as that is how I found SR last year. But is that an omen? Gotta wonder if your HP is sending u a sign.
It sounds like u have tried and tried to make it work over this period. He sounds unstable and violent - just a jolly chap filled with rage. Are you safe?
Being a rescuer I worry about people here who post and post and nothing changes. Time to craft a safe exit plan from Mr. UK in my opinion.
It sounds like u have tried and tried to make it work over this period. He sounds unstable and violent - just a jolly chap filled with rage. Are you safe?
Being a rescuer I worry about people here who post and post and nothing changes. Time to craft a safe exit plan from Mr. UK in my opinion.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
" ...slapped me. That's the second time he's ever slapped or pushed me, and I still feel sick thinking about it. Do you know what it's like to see the one you love with their eyes vacant and hollow, with no expression on their face, and to feel so completely terrified and afraid of what they may be capable of?"
I know exactly how that feels
Me three Ofelie and Emmy. I remember that feeling. And he probably has no memory of any of it. Getting away was the best thing I ever did. And yes it was hard and bad and I felt guilty and awful for "walking out" on a war hero who "just needed help." He still needs help, but he sure doesn't want it. He's still drinking and doing worse than ever. But I am healing myself. You can too. Take care.
I know exactly how that feels
Me three Ofelie and Emmy. I remember that feeling. And he probably has no memory of any of it. Getting away was the best thing I ever did. And yes it was hard and bad and I felt guilty and awful for "walking out" on a war hero who "just needed help." He still needs help, but he sure doesn't want it. He's still drinking and doing worse than ever. But I am healing myself. You can too. Take care.
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