Desperate advice/help needed - Alcoholic mother with severe weight problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2
Desperate advice/help needed - Alcoholic mother with severe weight problem.
Hi all I have just newly joined this forum as I'm in need of some help and advice about my mother who has a severe alcohol and weight problem. It seems like there is nothing left to do...
For the first time ever over the phone today she has told me whole truth about how she feels and what she's been doing.. it's worse than I thought.
Firstly I'll give a bit about her:
She was a very active, respectable and generous person. She lives with my dad and currently still has a job but has been off for a long time. She has always been a sociable drinker but progressively got worse. First 1 day a week, 2 days a week, several random days a week, glass of wine every night to "calm herself down after work" and now it's heavily every day to the point she's very ill, weak and will not eat.
She told me today for about 3 years straight there has not been a day she has not had a drink(I honestly believe it has been longer) apart from a month ago when we tried to get help for her. We lost her sister 2 years ago due to substance abuse and my grandmother(her mother) 1 year ago due to lung cancer. She was VERY close to both of them but I am not sure if their deaths have been the reason her drinking habit spiralled out of control since she was drinking a lot beforehand.
I noticed her losing a huge amount of weight around 1 year ago and that is when I tried to intervene. Nothing worked. Refused to go to the doctor, refused help and refused she had a problem. Lies after lies after lies to the point she was swearing on peoples lives about things I KNEW 100% were a lie.. Things got worse. 1 month ago I got a phone call from my dad saying she refused to go into work. My grandad went and picked her up in hopes of a change of scenery would make her feel better but instead she hid a bottle of spirits with her and got so drunk to the point of assaulting him and getting arrested. The next day we pretty much forcefully took her to a doctor but she is denying most of her problems and refusing help so all she got was some antidepressants.
She promised us she would get better but today she has admitted this is not the case. For 1 week after the incident she apparently did not drink. She had a social drink once with my dad and it all got bad again. For the next 3 weeks up until today the drinking and eating is worse as ever. She claims she has not eaten a thing for the month and I believe her. There is literally no fat or muscle left on her body to the point I don't know how she can even stand. She says the sight and smell of food makes her sick and shes putting everything my dad gives her secretly in the trash. My dad is a bit pig headed and seems in denial about the whole situation. She's sleeping 16+ hours a day and the time awake she is drinking.
What do I do? Is there anything that CAN be done? Has anyone been in a situation like this? I fear she will not last much longer. I would greatly appreciate any honest help.
For the first time ever over the phone today she has told me whole truth about how she feels and what she's been doing.. it's worse than I thought.
Firstly I'll give a bit about her:
She was a very active, respectable and generous person. She lives with my dad and currently still has a job but has been off for a long time. She has always been a sociable drinker but progressively got worse. First 1 day a week, 2 days a week, several random days a week, glass of wine every night to "calm herself down after work" and now it's heavily every day to the point she's very ill, weak and will not eat.
She told me today for about 3 years straight there has not been a day she has not had a drink(I honestly believe it has been longer) apart from a month ago when we tried to get help for her. We lost her sister 2 years ago due to substance abuse and my grandmother(her mother) 1 year ago due to lung cancer. She was VERY close to both of them but I am not sure if their deaths have been the reason her drinking habit spiralled out of control since she was drinking a lot beforehand.
I noticed her losing a huge amount of weight around 1 year ago and that is when I tried to intervene. Nothing worked. Refused to go to the doctor, refused help and refused she had a problem. Lies after lies after lies to the point she was swearing on peoples lives about things I KNEW 100% were a lie.. Things got worse. 1 month ago I got a phone call from my dad saying she refused to go into work. My grandad went and picked her up in hopes of a change of scenery would make her feel better but instead she hid a bottle of spirits with her and got so drunk to the point of assaulting him and getting arrested. The next day we pretty much forcefully took her to a doctor but she is denying most of her problems and refusing help so all she got was some antidepressants.
She promised us she would get better but today she has admitted this is not the case. For 1 week after the incident she apparently did not drink. She had a social drink once with my dad and it all got bad again. For the next 3 weeks up until today the drinking and eating is worse as ever. She claims she has not eaten a thing for the month and I believe her. There is literally no fat or muscle left on her body to the point I don't know how she can even stand. She says the sight and smell of food makes her sick and shes putting everything my dad gives her secretly in the trash. My dad is a bit pig headed and seems in denial about the whole situation. She's sleeping 16+ hours a day and the time awake she is drinking.
What do I do? Is there anything that CAN be done? Has anyone been in a situation like this? I fear she will not last much longer. I would greatly appreciate any honest help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Donkers,
I am so sorry for what you are going through with your mom. What you describe sounds terrifyingly like late stage alcoholism, which is devastating for her, and everyone who loves her.
Is there any way you can talk to her when she's sober - maybe first thing in the morning - and let her know you are very worried about her health, and would like to bring her back to the doctor? At this point, I think she would need medically supervised detox for her safety, and definitely nutritional support.
I'm afraid if she absolutely refuses medical help, you can't force her. In that case, you will need to get some distance from it, and therapy for yourself to help you cope. Have you looked in to Alanon? It is a very supportive environment, with helpful resources and literature for loved ones of alcoholics.
Also, there's lots of great info at this top of this forum under the "stickies" that I found very helpful when I first joined SR. Good luck to you.
I am so sorry for what you are going through with your mom. What you describe sounds terrifyingly like late stage alcoholism, which is devastating for her, and everyone who loves her.
Is there any way you can talk to her when she's sober - maybe first thing in the morning - and let her know you are very worried about her health, and would like to bring her back to the doctor? At this point, I think she would need medically supervised detox for her safety, and definitely nutritional support.
I'm afraid if she absolutely refuses medical help, you can't force her. In that case, you will need to get some distance from it, and therapy for yourself to help you cope. Have you looked in to Alanon? It is a very supportive environment, with helpful resources and literature for loved ones of alcoholics.
Also, there's lots of great info at this top of this forum under the "stickies" that I found very helpful when I first joined SR. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Donkers, so sorry. I know how it feels when its your own mother. My mom suffers from paranoid schizophrenia and refuses in any way to acknowledge or accept that she has a problem.
There is not much you can do for an adult who is not an immediate danger to herself or others. Sorry your father seems to be in so much denial.
I will second Spiderqueen's suggestion of getting help for yourself. You are truly suffering in this situation with your mother. Alanon has helped me a great deal in my personal relationships. Not only with those who are alcoholics, but with many others.
Wishing you all the best. I hope your mother gets the help she needs. You will be in our thoughts. Keep posting, we're here for you.
PS- Your screen name is cool. Love it!
There is not much you can do for an adult who is not an immediate danger to herself or others. Sorry your father seems to be in so much denial.
I will second Spiderqueen's suggestion of getting help for yourself. You are truly suffering in this situation with your mother. Alanon has helped me a great deal in my personal relationships. Not only with those who are alcoholics, but with many others.
Wishing you all the best. I hope your mother gets the help she needs. You will be in our thoughts. Keep posting, we're here for you.
PS- Your screen name is cool. Love it!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Donkers, Welcome to SR!
We all understand that pain you feel...the pain of watching someone we love do something so self-destructive of their own free will. It is all so frustrating! Believe me, we know.
The sad truth is that there are no magic words, no amount of talking, pleading, begging, threatening, coercion or even tears on our part that will get an alcoholic to acknowledge the truth when they are dead set in denial.
I hope you can continue to encourage your Mom to seek treatment as you can and are comfortable...but what about you and how you feel about all of this.
You deserve help and support, too. SR is a great place to start! Welcome, again!!
We all understand that pain you feel...the pain of watching someone we love do something so self-destructive of their own free will. It is all so frustrating! Believe me, we know.
The sad truth is that there are no magic words, no amount of talking, pleading, begging, threatening, coercion or even tears on our part that will get an alcoholic to acknowledge the truth when they are dead set in denial.
I hope you can continue to encourage your Mom to seek treatment as you can and are comfortable...but what about you and how you feel about all of this.
You deserve help and support, too. SR is a great place to start! Welcome, again!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2
Thanks so much all of you for the information and kind words I really appreciate it. I'm sorry you have problems with your mother too ladyscribbler. A friend of mines mother suffers from the same illness and my friend has told me how detached it has made her feel. Her mother also refuses help or medication as she believes everyone is out to get her and things are tampered with. I wish you the best.
I'm going to have one last talk with her in person tomorrow when she is sober about going to seek help. There is no point over the phone as she just feels guilty and starts drinking. At least in person I can keep it away while we talk. She has promised to be sober for me coming...
As for me, I try not to think about it or it will get me really down but there are times where I can't avoid it, usually when I'm trying to sleep. I try to think she will get better and there is still hope but it's getting to that point now where there seems to be none. If she dies this year it'll be the 3rd year in a row there's been a death in the family and I'll be honest it's terrifying me.
I'm going to have one last talk with her in person tomorrow when she is sober about going to seek help. There is no point over the phone as she just feels guilty and starts drinking. At least in person I can keep it away while we talk. She has promised to be sober for me coming...
As for me, I try not to think about it or it will get me really down but there are times where I can't avoid it, usually when I'm trying to sleep. I try to think she will get better and there is still hope but it's getting to that point now where there seems to be none. If she dies this year it'll be the 3rd year in a row there's been a death in the family and I'll be honest it's terrifying me.
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