IM the A, but WIFE was drinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
IM the A, but WIFE was drinking.
So I went to a meeting today, (yes the recovery kind)
and then had a visit with an old friend I haven't seen in months. I was happy to stay out a bit, because I rarely ever go out in the evenings at all anymore.
Came home, apparently wife has been drinking booze "left over" from a party and was being verbally abusive to the kids, and smelled of alcohol.
I asked her if she was drinking today, and she told me that she had "a glass" of wine. Of course I could smell it on her.
She had hidden the bottle and I assume the glass, because there was no "evidence" as it were. I am not even bothering to dig into it further, because it really doesn't concern me. I do know that there was quite a bit more than a glass of wine left over after the last family gathering, and normally whatever is left is poured down the drain by her directly, as the smell bothers me.
What do you guys think? I'm at a loss. I'm sober for a year and a half, and she has not done this before. (she did stuff like this all the time when I drank as well.) It has me concerned, and I am not sure what to say to her, or what kind of boundaries I can set.
Given my OWN history, just about anything seems hypocritical.
Is it reasonable to say that I will not allow alcohol in the home?
That's really all I want at the moment. One place where it isn't allowed. But if I'm being honest, its really about controlling her behavior, because I have no desire to drink. If she really only had one glass, then there is no reason for the hostile behavior towards the kids?
The whole incident was very triggering and upsetting.
ETA: If mods think this belongs elsewhere, please move it, Im not sure where it should be posted.
and then had a visit with an old friend I haven't seen in months. I was happy to stay out a bit, because I rarely ever go out in the evenings at all anymore.
Came home, apparently wife has been drinking booze "left over" from a party and was being verbally abusive to the kids, and smelled of alcohol.
I asked her if she was drinking today, and she told me that she had "a glass" of wine. Of course I could smell it on her.
She had hidden the bottle and I assume the glass, because there was no "evidence" as it were. I am not even bothering to dig into it further, because it really doesn't concern me. I do know that there was quite a bit more than a glass of wine left over after the last family gathering, and normally whatever is left is poured down the drain by her directly, as the smell bothers me.
What do you guys think? I'm at a loss. I'm sober for a year and a half, and she has not done this before. (she did stuff like this all the time when I drank as well.) It has me concerned, and I am not sure what to say to her, or what kind of boundaries I can set.
Given my OWN history, just about anything seems hypocritical.
Is it reasonable to say that I will not allow alcohol in the home?
That's really all I want at the moment. One place where it isn't allowed. But if I'm being honest, its really about controlling her behavior, because I have no desire to drink. If she really only had one glass, then there is no reason for the hostile behavior towards the kids?
The whole incident was very triggering and upsetting.
ETA: If mods think this belongs elsewhere, please move it, Im not sure where it should be posted.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Is it reasonable to say that I will not allow alcohol in the home?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 729
I personally have a wife that still drinks at home. It would be far easier for me at times if she didn't and being honest it can/does get under my skin but I feel i just have to deal with it. Question is does your wife have an issue with alcohol being she was behaving with hostility whilst drinking??? If so than that is another story.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
These are the things that concern me:
DB...I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. As you know, your recovery has to be your top priority in order for you to be able to deal with the rest of your responsibilities. That being said, you have to balance that with the kids being the top priority.
Are you able to have an honest conversation with her? I'm not sure if there is a way to say something along the lines of "when I drank and was verbally abusive to you or the children, I know that it caused you a lot of pain...can we discuss that"...maybe it would help her recognize that she was also abusive while under the influence?
Do you think she has a problem with alcohol? Could she have hidden the bottle because she was embarrassed? How was her day yesterday - could she have been stressed out about something else? We all make mistakes sometimes...I'm not defending her behavior, but I have not gotten the impression from your previous posts that she has an addiction problem.
I do think that if you want an alcohol free home to support your recovery, then I think you have a right to ask for that, but it is also her home and you two have to be able to come to an agreement on that. Having an alcohol free home needs to be about you, though, not about controlling her behavior. You've heard the three c's, right? You did not cause it, you cannot cure it, you cannot control it.
Has she gone to AlAnon or counseling yet?
Originally Posted by DoubleBarrel 
Came home, apparently wife has been drinking booze "left over" from a party and was being verbally abusive to the kids, and smelled of alcohol.
She had hidden the bottle and I assume the glass, because there was no "evidence" as it were.
The whole incident was very triggering and upsetting.
She had hidden the bottle and I assume the glass, because there was no "evidence" as it were.
The whole incident was very triggering and upsetting.
Are you able to have an honest conversation with her? I'm not sure if there is a way to say something along the lines of "when I drank and was verbally abusive to you or the children, I know that it caused you a lot of pain...can we discuss that"...maybe it would help her recognize that she was also abusive while under the influence?
Do you think she has a problem with alcohol? Could she have hidden the bottle because she was embarrassed? How was her day yesterday - could she have been stressed out about something else? We all make mistakes sometimes...I'm not defending her behavior, but I have not gotten the impression from your previous posts that she has an addiction problem.
I do think that if you want an alcohol free home to support your recovery, then I think you have a right to ask for that, but it is also her home and you two have to be able to come to an agreement on that. Having an alcohol free home needs to be about you, though, not about controlling her behavior. You've heard the three c's, right? You did not cause it, you cannot cure it, you cannot control it.
Has she gone to AlAnon or counseling yet?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hi DB,
As a wife of an addict/alcoholic......I would never drink around him, nor have alcohol in my home. I would have supported his recovery in every way.
When I quit smoking, I asked that he put his cigarettes away so I wouldn't get tempted. When I found out he relapsed again, his cigarettes were sitting out and I reached for one. Unfortunately, I have yet to put them down again.
As a wife of an addict/alcoholic......I would never drink around him, nor have alcohol in my home. I would have supported his recovery in every way.
When I quit smoking, I asked that he put his cigarettes away so I wouldn't get tempted. When I found out he relapsed again, his cigarettes were sitting out and I reached for one. Unfortunately, I have yet to put them down again.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Came home, apparently wife has been drinking booze "left over" from a party and was being verbally abusive to the kids, and smelled of alcohol.
While you are not her dad, those are your kids and you have a right to set boundaries. Make it clear to her that drinking around them and abusing the kids is absolutely unacceptable and keep an eye open to see what happens next. This could be just a fluke or she might have a problem too.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
So far, this sounds like an isolated incident. Regardless unacceptable behavior is unacceptable and you have every right to talk to her about it. Given your recent year and a half history (congrats on that btw) you are not being hypocritical by discussing it. I say that knowing she probably isn't free of the lingering effects of your alcoholism, so it might be prudent to be open to her feelings on that if it comes up. Best to you and your fam.
DB I hope this is a one time deal and you can both communicate through it and come to a reasonable explanation and solution to help keep you on your path.
DB I hope this is a one time deal and you can both communicate through it and come to a reasonable explanation and solution to help keep you on your path.
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