How Does Separation Work Exactly?
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How Does Separation Work Exactly?
I'm sorry I post so frequently. I'm sure you guys must be getting sick of me but seriously, this is such a good source for input. Hopefully I'll start making bigger strides in my own self improvement soon and I won't need to ask so many questions. One can hope.
Anyway, I talked with my husband and he says he wants to talk soon about reintegrating him into our family and that it was something that his therapist talked with him about. :/ Uh, he's not even been sober for 2 months and I was under the impression that 12 months of separation was the gold standard, but to be fair, I've only read that here.
For those of you that have separated and moved back in together, did you do it gradually, like allowing them to spend one night a week? Or did they just go from living alone to being fully back in the family home?
Right now, I'm thinking he can come over for dinner and the girls' bedtime once a week and MAYBE we can do something as a family one weekend day a week since he's here for a few hours on the weekends anyway. But I feel cautious even giving that much. Assuming that they're working their program and getting better - and I'll give him credit, he is getting better, no where near where I want but it is progress - when do you start to let them come back into your life? This is catching me really off guard.
Anyway, I talked with my husband and he says he wants to talk soon about reintegrating him into our family and that it was something that his therapist talked with him about. :/ Uh, he's not even been sober for 2 months and I was under the impression that 12 months of separation was the gold standard, but to be fair, I've only read that here.
For those of you that have separated and moved back in together, did you do it gradually, like allowing them to spend one night a week? Or did they just go from living alone to being fully back in the family home?
Right now, I'm thinking he can come over for dinner and the girls' bedtime once a week and MAYBE we can do something as a family one weekend day a week since he's here for a few hours on the weekends anyway. But I feel cautious even giving that much. Assuming that they're working their program and getting better - and I'll give him credit, he is getting better, no where near where I want but it is progress - when do you start to let them come back into your life? This is catching me really off guard.
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There is no set answer Stung. Everyone is different. You have to just keep working on you, thats most important. Early recovery is such a delicate time. My separated AH was sober for 9 mos and then relapsed and I wish we never moved back in. Some people may be different.
Just keep following your program and do what feels right to you and for your children. Your instincts will tell you. In my heart I always knew when I was being "codie"....Dont check on him and his recovery and what he is or isnt doing. Keep your side clean and just be cautious. If spending time works for you, and doesnt pain you when he goes home...then so be it. One day at a time! Be kind to yourself and things will be revealed in time.
Just keep following your program and do what feels right to you and for your children. Your instincts will tell you. In my heart I always knew when I was being "codie"....Dont check on him and his recovery and what he is or isnt doing. Keep your side clean and just be cautious. If spending time works for you, and doesnt pain you when he goes home...then so be it. One day at a time! Be kind to yourself and things will be revealed in time.
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Well, I don't miss him when he leaves. He isn't an a-hole anymore but I now fully see him for the codependent man-child that he is and I HATE cleaning up the messes that he creates when he is here and he is really clingy and controlling still. Me no likey.
My gut says that this is too soon. He can see our kids more but I don't know that I feel comfortable spending family time with him.
I keep thinking that there are some kind of rules of engagement at this point since we're both in therapy but surprise, surprise there are still no right answers. Crud.
Thanks, iamthird.
My gut says that this is too soon. He can see our kids more but I don't know that I feel comfortable spending family time with him.
I keep thinking that there are some kind of rules of engagement at this point since we're both in therapy but surprise, surprise there are still no right answers. Crud.
Thanks, iamthird.
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Follow your gut! You sound strong already! Be proud of yourself. I said this before on a thread...my therapist told me once "youre separated, be separate!"...lol! Hard concept for me to grasp at first!!! We all learn in time...
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Originally Posted by Stung 
Anyway, I talked with my husband and he says he wants to talk soon about reintegrating him into our family and that it was something that his therapist talked with him about. :/
I would advise that you hold your position on increasing visitation and activities with the kids as long as he stays sober, but do not let him pressure you into going back to the status quo.
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That's how I feel! I'm surprised that his therapist was talking to him about it, especially because she's a very successful addiction therapist. She knows her stuff.
I mean, we are very friendly on the phone but we don't have a whole lot of consistency in person at this point, and that's the part that could actually impact our kids. If we were screaming at each other on the phone it doesn't effect our kids at all. In person is a whole different ball game. I feel like I'm destined to be the person that always says no in this relationship.
I mean, we are very friendly on the phone but we don't have a whole lot of consistency in person at this point, and that's the part that could actually impact our kids. If we were screaming at each other on the phone it doesn't effect our kids at all. In person is a whole different ball game. I feel like I'm destined to be the person that always says no in this relationship.
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Originally Posted by Stung
I feel like I'm destined to be the person that always says no in this relationship.
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Stung, my RAH manipulated his way back into family home at about 40 days out. Frankly I was worn out at that juncture. I do not have nearby family and it took a lot out of me to kick him out, start therapy for me and DS, start AlAnon, deal with my work, his unemployment during rehab, and the house. I was just too darn worn out to argue for sober living. Rehab totally blew off my demand for it.
For me it has worked out in some ways. In others, maybe not. For example, perhaps out of the house I would have had more authority to demand a more stringent recovery program from him. However, he did help out a lot with household chores, upkeep and daily tasks while he was job hunting thru summer into fall.
Codie man child. Yeah can relate. I truly feel lack of good direction in early recovery for spouse. I like to follow a proven path and have felt out of my element for sure.
For me it has worked out in some ways. In others, maybe not. For example, perhaps out of the house I would have had more authority to demand a more stringent recovery program from him. However, he did help out a lot with household chores, upkeep and daily tasks while he was job hunting thru summer into fall.
Codie man child. Yeah can relate. I truly feel lack of good direction in early recovery for spouse. I like to follow a proven path and have felt out of my element for sure.
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I think he's under the impression that since he's starting to actually work through his steps, and that things are really going well career wise, that he's starting to feel physically healthy, lose weight, and make new AA friends that he can just come home now. And although he's not asking to come home the thought of having him here more makes me nervous. I feel like it puts me at risk of having him totally derail the good juju I have going on for myself and our kids right now. I also think he senses how nice it is here and he wants to be a part of it. :/ It puts me in a really awkward position. Like he should just wait for ME to bring it up.
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CodeJob, I hear you! Someone needs to write a "What To Expect When You're Spouse Becomes an Alcoholic" book. It would be sooooo helpful to know what the best practices are and see them definitively in black and white.
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I agree with the others that you have to do what works for you, and don't let him pressure you into something that you are not ready for.
RAH and I lived separately for 8 months; the first 2 months he was still drinking, so he moved back home at 6 months sober. The first 2 months he was sober, he only came to the house when I was home and I didn't even let him inside at that point, he may have stopped to pick up or drop something off or just have a brief conversation. We met up about once a week at a local park to walk & talk for about an hour.
From there, we started having a meal together once a week, and he started coming by the house occasionally to help me with a project or see our dogs for a little bit. By about 4 months sober, we were talking more regularly again, seeing each other a few times a week, and I went to stay with him when he was working out of town one weekend as something of a trial - basically could we manage 72 straight hours together again.
Our time together continued to increase - dinner, movie, etc. We spent more time together in the house, with the dogs, etc. He also did stay with me one weekend when he was in between work trips. Through this time, I was finding that a lot of the questions I had about our relationship couldn't be answered if we continued to live separately, so I actually suggested he come back home. I was certainly questioned about having him back home without a full year of sobriety, but I felt ready to have him home and so that was my decision.
Throughout the separation we were both in individual counseling, and AA/AlAnon so working our programs. We have been going to couples counseling since he has been home which has been very difficult but also very helpful. In some ways our life is very much the same as it was - we both work, we have our home & dogs to care for, but we've made a lot of changes in how we relate to each other and our communication is significantly better.
We are fortunate that living separately was financially feasible for us. It certainly allowed us the individual space to choose what we wanted for ourselves as individuals and work our own recoveries. When I started counseling 16 months ago, there was no way I was giving up on our marriage. Just under a year ago, there was no way I could continue to live with the anxiety and the lies so that is when I decided to kick him out. After he was out and continued drinking, the possibility of divorce became more likely, and I certainly went back and forth in my thinking for a long while. It wasn't until I started seeing the improvements in how he was treating me that I could see him coming back home and working on the marriage.
Okay...got lengthy. Take what you want and leave the rest. Separation is definitely a plus for recovery...you're already there so take your time to figure out what is the right thing for you.
RAH and I lived separately for 8 months; the first 2 months he was still drinking, so he moved back home at 6 months sober. The first 2 months he was sober, he only came to the house when I was home and I didn't even let him inside at that point, he may have stopped to pick up or drop something off or just have a brief conversation. We met up about once a week at a local park to walk & talk for about an hour.
From there, we started having a meal together once a week, and he started coming by the house occasionally to help me with a project or see our dogs for a little bit. By about 4 months sober, we were talking more regularly again, seeing each other a few times a week, and I went to stay with him when he was working out of town one weekend as something of a trial - basically could we manage 72 straight hours together again.
Our time together continued to increase - dinner, movie, etc. We spent more time together in the house, with the dogs, etc. He also did stay with me one weekend when he was in between work trips. Through this time, I was finding that a lot of the questions I had about our relationship couldn't be answered if we continued to live separately, so I actually suggested he come back home. I was certainly questioned about having him back home without a full year of sobriety, but I felt ready to have him home and so that was my decision.
Throughout the separation we were both in individual counseling, and AA/AlAnon so working our programs. We have been going to couples counseling since he has been home which has been very difficult but also very helpful. In some ways our life is very much the same as it was - we both work, we have our home & dogs to care for, but we've made a lot of changes in how we relate to each other and our communication is significantly better.
We are fortunate that living separately was financially feasible for us. It certainly allowed us the individual space to choose what we wanted for ourselves as individuals and work our own recoveries. When I started counseling 16 months ago, there was no way I was giving up on our marriage. Just under a year ago, there was no way I could continue to live with the anxiety and the lies so that is when I decided to kick him out. After he was out and continued drinking, the possibility of divorce became more likely, and I certainly went back and forth in my thinking for a long while. It wasn't until I started seeing the improvements in how he was treating me that I could see him coming back home and working on the marriage.
Okay...got lengthy. Take what you want and leave the rest. Separation is definitely a plus for recovery...you're already there so take your time to figure out what is the right thing for you.
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Stung---remember that you are taking his word for what his therapist said. Assuming that you weren't there---who is to say that is how it really came up. Maybe he brought it up to the therapist. At any rate, she is just hearing his "side of things". He could be giving her a glowing tale of how beautifully you all are getting along.....
You aren't there. You don't really know what went on. It is like when the alcoholic tells the doctor that he has a couple of drinks a couple of nights a week.
I'm just saying......
dandylion
You aren't there. You don't really know what went on. It is like when the alcoholic tells the doctor that he has a couple of drinks a couple of nights a week.
I'm just saying......
dandylion
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Stung---remember that you are taking his word for what his therapist said. Assuming that you weren't there---who is to say that is how it really came up. Maybe he brought it up to the therapist. At any rate, she is just hearing his "side of things". He could be giving her a glowing tale of how beautifully you all are getting along.....
You aren't there. You don't really know what went on. It is like when the alcoholic tells the doctor that he has a couple of drinks a couple of nights a week.
I'm just saying......
dandylion
You aren't there. You don't really know what went on. It is like when the alcoholic tells the doctor that he has a couple of drinks a couple of nights a week.
I'm just saying......
dandylion
I definitely don't think there's a "right vs wrong" way to handle separation. We were separated while RAH was actively drinking at his heaviest and when he moved back home it was a gradual process over a couple of months. Then he sought sobriety and started recovery about 5 months after moving home and I wished we had the resources to separate again. I would have chosen to stay apart for at least the first six months of recovery if I'd had the option. Early recovery was hard on all of us and I really missed having my sanctuary. We were still getting acclimated to living together after a 2 yr separation and adding in the struggles of early recovery made it more challenging for all of us.
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I am reading (and highly recomend) the series of books titled "Getting Them Sober". And It talks about the dangers/temptation of moving back too soon. If your comfortable having him around visiting with the kids and spending "quality" family time with them, thats a great thing! But the two slogans that come to mind right now are "dont just do something, stand there!" And "more will be revealed". By the way him saying he and his therapist are "talking" about him moving back, isnt saying the actual content of the conversation...
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I think I have to agree with there is no set time limit. I've never been in this situation, but I suppose that I would allow him back in when I was comfortable with the progress he and I were both making and with his presence again in the home.
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Stung, given more personal strength I would have enforced 6 mo time frame. I needed that time - not my qualifier. We had financial pressure as we paid for a chunk of rehab and he had been downsized (or whatever) so he had a decent argument against cost of 2 living situations. But if we could drop $ on inpatient rehab, why couldn't my need for space be equally valued?
There's a reason I got depressed in Dec.... 6 mo from rehab ending. I was just starting to get over the crisis...
There's a reason I got depressed in Dec.... 6 mo from rehab ending. I was just starting to get over the crisis...
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When I was going through this, I heard the pleas from my RAH that he really wanted to come home. He was lonely, depressed, anxious. But I didn't cause that. Even my pushing for separation didn't cause that. The continued separation was what I needed at the time.
Separation is hard but living with an recently recovering alcoholic is really hard too. The relapses that happen in early sobriety are also truly heartbreaking. Best experienced from a distance.
I started to hear him say the right things several months later. In his recovery he actually started putting his kids and me in front of himself and stopped pleading. He stopped begging to come home and just worked his recovery. After that was when I let him come back. There have been relapses since, but he is truly better now than he has been in 10 years. He goes to AA 4 days a week, has great friends there and is still working his steps. I come here a lot to continue growing myself.
Separation is hard but living with an recently recovering alcoholic is really hard too. The relapses that happen in early sobriety are also truly heartbreaking. Best experienced from a distance.
I started to hear him say the right things several months later. In his recovery he actually started putting his kids and me in front of himself and stopped pleading. He stopped begging to come home and just worked his recovery. After that was when I let him come back. There have been relapses since, but he is truly better now than he has been in 10 years. He goes to AA 4 days a week, has great friends there and is still working his steps. I come here a lot to continue growing myself.
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Hi Stung,
I think you need to do what you feel comfortable with and what is best for your girls. If he wants to do an additional family night a week, then maybe that is a good sign..? Slowly increasing time together long before him moving back in might be a good test and indicator of his growth. You could have more chances to see if he pulls a stunt like he did with the refrigerator.
I am with Dandylion and Firesprite about not trusting what he says the therapist says. Unless you heard it yourself, you have no idea what/how (if anything) was said. Not to mention HIS therapist is looking out for HIM, just as YOUR therapist looks out for YOU. A marriage therapist (for you and him) might be a good idea prior to any transition home.
You definitely sound like you don't trust him and with good reason. 2 months sober (I thought it was less) is very little time under his belt. My ex did rehab and was sober for supposedly 8 months before a dramatic relapse, however, he really drank 2 weeks home after rehab I just didn't know. That first year is delicate for them.
I think you need to do what you feel comfortable with and what is best for your girls. If he wants to do an additional family night a week, then maybe that is a good sign..? Slowly increasing time together long before him moving back in might be a good test and indicator of his growth. You could have more chances to see if he pulls a stunt like he did with the refrigerator.
I am with Dandylion and Firesprite about not trusting what he says the therapist says. Unless you heard it yourself, you have no idea what/how (if anything) was said. Not to mention HIS therapist is looking out for HIM, just as YOUR therapist looks out for YOU. A marriage therapist (for you and him) might be a good idea prior to any transition home.
You definitely sound like you don't trust him and with good reason. 2 months sober (I thought it was less) is very little time under his belt. My ex did rehab and was sober for supposedly 8 months before a dramatic relapse, however, he really drank 2 weeks home after rehab I just didn't know. That first year is delicate for them.
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Stung..you do know that just because he is ready to come back and the therapist says it does not make it so. If you are not ready you have the right to say that. If you want 12 months say it. One thing I have learned, once I ever get my AH out, he is never getting back in...LOL! The biggest mistake I ever made was let him come back home after rehab. He stayed clean for a year and relapsed.
No one can put a magic number on it, but you have formed your boundaries for you, and you don't have to break those becaue someone else thinks you should.
Have a peaceful weekend!
No one can put a magic number on it, but you have formed your boundaries for you, and you don't have to break those becaue someone else thinks you should.
Have a peaceful weekend!
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